December 14, 2011

• Motivation

  A day without shuffling is a day wasted.

  Lawmakers are considering changing immigration laws so that people must speak English to obtain citizenship.  Well if that’s the case then 97% of English speaking Americans will lose their citizenship.

  Unless it’s “Drink this bottle of beer or vodka” then I don’t want you telling me what I should do.

  A recent study revealed that 99% of people think Lifesavers candy overstate their importance.

  I don’t think I could ever stab someone because I can never get the straw in the little juice box.

  The guy who updates the scoreboard at Lambeau Field had to be put on the disabled list because his finger was tired from updating the score so often.

  My doctor said drinking was bad for my liver and I told my doctor that nagging about my drinking was bad for his paycheck.

  Why do motels still advertise that they have color TVs?  I think at this point they’d get more customers if they’d advertise they have black and white sets.

  My cats look stupid dressed in wedding dresses but I have to say I look dashing in this tux.

  A study revealed that when a female laughs, a chemical is released in the female brain that is the equivalent of having an orgasm.  I guess this explains why I have so many female friends and why none of them will sleep with me.

  I don’t get why girls are so picky about men.  It’s not like the homeless people complain that the sandwiches I throw at them have too much mayonnaise.

  A study revealed that in 50 years there’s going to be a lot of grey haired grandmas baking cookies with visible tramp stamps when they go to take the cookies out of the oven.

  It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…checks are bouncing, kids are screaming, Christians demanding Christ while shopping,people are assholing…it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

  Which wine goes best with Cheerios: Boone’s Farm or Mad Dog20/20?

  Life gets easier when you become part of the problem.

  4 out of the last 9 governors of Illinois have been sentenced to prison.  Voters in Illinois need to be reminded they are voting for the best leader not crook.  Oh wait, those are synonymous...my bad.

  1 in 5 relationships begin online and 4 out of 5 end online.

  If I didn’t have such high willpower, I might actually be exercising right now.

  A report found that 4,153,237 people were married this year.  I don’t want to start drama but shouldn’t that be an even number?

  If you have never looked at every woman you meet on the street and wonder what she looks like jumping rope and how much she bounces then you have a better psychiatrist than me.

  I like to drop my pants and sing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”at karaoke.

  Guys, if you ever are too drunk and want to talk to a girl,just quote Bryan Adams songs.

  I’m so depressed, football season is almost over.  I’ll have to start tailgating at Walmart in a few weeks.

  Does cocaine smell really good?  Users are constantly sniffing it.
  

  A few months ago my mom bought a cellphone.  Today she learned how to turn it on.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I told my girlfriend that me and my four inch penis would see her in one week.  She said she wished it was twice as long.  So I will see her in two weeks.  She also said she told her mom that she wanted to be proposed to on her birthday this year.  I told her that I hope she marries a nice guy.  She also told me that she’d give me a handjob so good that it would make me infertile.  I can’t believe she pulled it off.  My girlfriend and I went to the doctor this week and the doctor said that our child is going to be coming early so I said,“Like father, like son, which is why we’re here in the first place.”

  I have no respect for guys who say, “That’s what she said.”  I can’t believe they’d actually listen to women.

  I often brag about how I’ve been smoke free for almost 5years now.  I’ll give you the truth.  I vowed that I’d only smoke after having sex.

  My mom treats me like God. She doesn’t believe in me.

  Even though I’m single I still delete my browser history.  You never know when a girl with low self-esteem will degrade herself and date me.

  Women are beautiful so that men would love them.  Women are stupid so they can love men back.

  I once dated the Progressive Insurance girl, Flo.  She took a crap in my toilet so big that it was clogged and so I told her, “It’s over, Flo.”

  French kissing is when you kiss a girl and she runs away.
  

  There’s more to life than Xanga but most of us don’t know what that is.

  A person once said, “When I grow up, I want to be popular on Xanga.”  It’s impossible to do both.

  Google+ is the gym membership of the internet…everyone joins but no one uses it.
  

  The odds of me dating someone from Xanga are actually quite high.  I’m unstable, needy, and very good at masturbating.

  • 6:08 PM
  • 37 Comments