December 21, 2011

• Motivation

  Osama Bin Laden died. Mumar Kaddafi died.  Kim Jong Il died.  I guess 2011 was a year that pigs would die.

  There was a rumor circulating on twitter and facebook that Bon Jovi was dead.  Well he didn’t die but he’s been dead to me for 25 years.

  I’m the guy on Facebook who’ll add you as a friend but won’t talk to you outside Facebook.

  Google says the most searched item for 2011 was Justin Bieber and that was just the women trying to file paternity suits against him.

  My business card is just someone else’s with my information written on the back.

  A study found that older people are more likely to die from swine flu but then older people are more likely to die period.

  The reason the stock market lost momentum on Monday after news of Kim Jong Il’s death and the death of Kaddafi was because the tan jumpsuit and sunglasses markets bottomed out. In lieu of flowers, Kim Jong Il’s family asks you to starve someone in his honor.  The factories in North Korea closed after the death of Kim Jong Il. Santa Claus is currently pacing nervously at the North Pole wondering if his toy order will be filled.  The good thing for Santa is that the chances of him being shot down over North Korea have dropped 90%.  Donald Trump refuses to acknowledge Kim Jong Il’s death until he sees the death certificate.  The North Korean reports that Kim Jong Il died defending North Korea from Godzilla remains unconfirmed but FOX News is on the case.  FOX News reported that now that Kim Jong Il died, Obama is the only socialist dictator alive.  And that scurrying sound you hear is Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann trying to figure out who Kim Jong Il was and how to blame Obama for his death or not killing him sooner.  Kim Jong Il was 69 when he died.  Ironically that’s how I’d like to die.  But seriously, rest in peace Kim Jong Il, you were hilarious in the Hangover movies.

  The NBA season opens on Christmas Day.  This is the worst Christmas present ever.

  NASA said there’s no reason to fear the apocalypse happening in 2012 because it happened in 2006.

  My body is a temple but no one has worshiped here in an awfully long time.

  30% of married women say their pets are better listeners than their spouses.  70% of pets say this crazy lady won’t shut up.

  ExxonMobil says that by 2040 half of all cars in the world will be hybrids.  The other half will be on the front lawns of rednecks.

  The only cardio work I’ve gotten this week is running from Salvation Army bell ringers chasing me after I’ve grabbed the kettle.

  Girls, are you looking for a bad boy?  Just to let you know, I’m a pretty bad boy Scrabble player.  I let people use proper names and places.

  I bought my girlfriend a bullet-proof vest for Christmas because I bought myself a handgun and a case of vodka.

  I went to Walmart and tried to buy a 60 inch TV because it said it cost $20.  Little did they know,I got a price gun for Christmas, which means I found an unattended price gun in the toy section.

  I don’t know why people get so riled up about Tim Tebow praying before, during, and after football games.  I pray every time I stretch my groin muscles.

  And here's your weekly dose of motivation, expanded as a Christmas present?:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  My girlfriend said she’d never try to understand sports fora man unless he had a big dick.  I like sitting alone while I watch sports.

  When I hit on girls, I like to say, “Nice pectorals.”  That’s a fancy way of saying, “Nice tits.”  Girls love science.  It’s a scientific fact that my cousin Leroy told me.

  All my life I had dreamed of writing for television so you can imagine how suicidal I became when I was offered a job writing Kim and Kourtney Kardashian’s real, unrehearsed, and unscripted dialogue.

  Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  Mars is home to future human colonies and Venus is 860F.  It’s no wonder women on Earth are always complaining about how cold they are.

  Do you remember the days when Disney produced good family movies instead of teen sluts?

  I’ve started watching more British comedies because they make everything that comes out of Hollywood look like a Dane Cook joke.

  My last girlfriend broke up with me when I demanded that when we had sex that she scream “Come on down” and then play The Price is Right theme song while I ran naked through the house.

  I was out for a walk this afternoon and I saw a kid get off a school bus and as he got off, he turned and said, “Thank you for the wonderful ride, sir.”  That kid’s parents deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.

  After having an argument with your spouse or significant other you have two choices: apologize and go about your day –OR- hear them complain about your position in a whinier voice until you relent to their demands.

  I woke up this morning feeling pretty good and them I realized that Fred Durst is a millionaire.

  Everyone says I’m hard to shop for.  Obviously they don’t know I like beer.

  I like to wear a lot of bad cologne.  If a girl can be around me without throwing up when I’m wearing cologne then she can stomach seeing me naked.
  

  After every post on Xanga and seeing the lack of comments, I throw down my mouse and scream in my best Russell Crowe voice, “Are you not entertained?”
  

  I’ve often thought that making your posts private is like hiring security guards to guard your toilet bowl.
  

  My fantasy dictator league has been shit this year.
  

  In all honesty, I’m amazed that so many of you read my blathering.  It’s an honor that you read what I write.  2011 has been awesome so you better make 2012 awesomer.  And just in case I drink too much and pass out for a few days, Merry Christmas.

  • 8:55 PM
  • 28 Comments