December 24, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 12/23/11

  DeYarmond Edison (I got the first word right)

  Well I put this off last night because I went out to see my friends and their children.  It was an enjoyable evening topped off with a few beers at the haunted bar and I have to say that this may have been the most interesting time there since the first time I was at that place.  I'll have to re-post and add to my adventures.  I still think we should have a Xanga meet-up there since it's about 5 to 10 minutes from the happiest place in the Midwest.  We had a snowburst yesterday so we'll have a speckled white Christmas.  Anyway, time for the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Vanessa Hudgens wears the most interesting clothes when she goes out in public.  I don't know what you'd call that ensemble.  All I know is that it's quite obvious her family has been taken hostage and the hostage takers demanded that Vanessa walk around in public wearing all the worst of fashions from the 90s.  It's either that or she's fallen on hard times since she hasn't made a High School Musical movie in the last year or two.  Either way I hope Santa brings her some nice clothes.
  
  Speaking of nice clothes...I usually rip into Taylor Momsen for wearing obscene clothes but here I thought she actually looked like a Pilgrim...well at least compared to what she normally wears.  I know there are people that are still complaining about what she wears but at this point I think if we just ignore her she'll go away because how many of you could actually name something she's been in without looking it up?  Let's just leave the 18 year old who looks and dresses like a 25 year old street walker alone.
  
  Speaking of street walkers...somehow Snooki has become even less desirable.  She recently told an interview that she rubs kitty litter on her face to treat her skin and to exfoliate.  What?  How is that supposed to work?  The only thing I use cat litter for besides CAT LITTER is for traction.  See I keep a bag in the back of my Blazer for if I ever get in a predicament where I can't get out of somewhere, I'll just sprinkle down cat litter around my tires to get extra traction but I have to make sure I don't have the clumping stuff because that just makes a bigger mess.  Anyway I'm sure Snooki isn't using cat litter to get traction on her face.  She rubs cat shit on her face to look better and I pour bleach into my eyes when I look at her so I guess it balances out.  As I write this I'm realizing that MTV is laughing all the way to the bank.
  
  Rihanna was at her most recent lip-synching contest concert in Lisbon and after the concert she went back to her hotel and met a man who was racist.  Things are sketchy as to who this guy is and some are saying he was a heckler because Rihanna cut her show early because she claimed to be sick but whatever the case may be Rihanna took to Twitter to voice her displeasure.  She had this to say: "I just met the most racist cunt ever.  This man said the craziest shit about black women, calling us dogs, sluts, we don't look like shit and we don't belong in the same hotels." "Needless to say, the #NIGGA in me came out! Bajan accent and all! Lol! Turns out the hotel manager's black. Oh and he had the NERVE to diss black people in his tighty whitey's!!!! SMH(shake my head)...and tbh(to be honest) a lil' black wouldn't hurt him."  I find that a lot of people talk shit on Twitter especially if they need a prescription refilled.  What I've learned here is that you can punch her in the face, stomp her in the head, and throw her out of a car and that's cool but if you call her a slut she'll say bad things about you on Twitter.  It all makes so much sense.  I will never understand women.  Katy Perry has been trying to get Rihanna to go to rehab because her drinking is out of control.  Katy is concerned because Rihanna is basically running on empty with all her partying, clubbing and self-medicating with booze to deal with her break-up from terrorist Chris Brown.  I hope Rihanna realizes what a great friend she has in Katy Perry.  I mean Katy is looking out for her and she's a nice Christian who is looking to help without seeking monetary reimbursement sort of like me because that's how we roll.  If I were Rihanna and wanted to show my thanks to Katy, I'd say Rihanna should motorboat Katy and let me watch.  A pastor once told me that the only thing in this world that beats Katy Perry's funbags is to watch Rihanna's face get buried between them.  I can't recall what book that was in but it made church more interesting.
  
  Milla Jovovich turned 36 this week.  That is all.
  
  STOP THE PRESSES!  Miley Cyrus is acting like a 19 year old girl!  Oh wait, maybe not.  People are worried that her partying is getting out of hand because this week Miley was at a club and they say she had a bottle of Corona in her hand the entire night and was doing shots and buying shots for strangers.  OK first off I wish I was famous when I was teenager so I could've went to bars and not been asked for ID.  Also, she is acting like a teenager by drinking shitty beer.  Yes, I said it.  Corona is shit.  I could piss into a glass and slip a lime in it and my lime piss cocktail would taste better than Corona.  The only way she could be more of a drinking teenager was if she was drinking Natty's Ice.  The good thing about Miley is that she's caring and concerned with my carpal tunnel.  All I'll have to do this time next year is go back to all my old Lindsay Lohan stories and copy and paste "Miley Cyrus" over "Lindsay Lohan".  I may also have work with these terms in the future as well: "alcohol poisoning", "vehicular manslaughter", "thick fingers", "tuna kisses", and "Sam Ronson".
  
  Matt Damon was a staunch supporter of President Obama in 2008 but now he's changed his mind.  I wish he changed his mind about that sweater.  Anyway he was on the Today Show and had this to say about the president: "I've talked to a lot of people who worked for Obama at the grassroots level. One of them said to me, ‘Never again. I will never be fooled again by a politician...' You know, a one-term president with some balls who actually got stuff done would have been, in the long run of the country, much better. If the Democrats think that they didn't have a mandate—people are literally without any focus or leadership, just wandering out into the streets to yell right now because they are so pissed off. Imagine if they had a leader."  Fooled by a politician...WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU LIVING IN?  Well since I criticized the president I'll be indefinitely imprisoned.  It's been nice knowing you.  Maybe Matt Damon will be my cellmate and while in detention we can write a buddy comedy about a good looking guy named Matt and a bumbling idiot fat blogger named Matt and we'll call it..."Don't Tread on Us"...get it?  Yeah, it didn't test well with my other test markets.
  
  Lindsay Lohan's issue of Playboy was leaked on the internet and Playboy had to rush it to release to keep the people interested but they weren't.  It's not selling well and in some cases at all.  However some places are placing re-orders because they are selling out.  Porn is such a strange thing.  They gave $1million for Lindsay to look like Marilyn Monroe and they will not make their money back.  People are asking why they didn't try something fresh with Lindsay or do something more risque.  Hugh Hefner even knew it wouldn't sell but since he's old and senile he went ahead with the photos.  If I won't pay to see a Lindsay Lohan movie, I won't pay to see her naked when all I have to do is go to Google and type "lindsay lohan nude" or show up at her house with a baggie filled with a white powdery substance.  She'd be naked before she realized I just sold her flour.  So she made $1million from Playboy and another $10,000 for a recent bikini shoot in Hawaii.  Well she needs to raise another $390,000 because her legal bills and rehab over the course of the years have totaled $1.4million. 
  January 2007–Wonderland Rehab: $58,000
  May 2007–1st DUI Arrest: $30,000 for bail
  May 2007–Promises Rehab: $54,500
  July 2007–2nd DUI Arrest: $25,000 for bail
  October 2007–Cirque Lodge Treatment Center in Utah: $60,000 (2 months at $30,000 a month
  May 2010–Failure to appear in court: $100,000 for bail
  June 9, 2010–Violated probation: $200,000 for bail
  August 2010–UCLA Rehab bill: $130,000
  September 25, 2010–Violated probation; failed drug test: $300,000 for bail
  November 2010-January 2011–Betty Ford rehab bill: $150,000
  February 9, 2011–Felony Grand Theft: $20,000 for bail, $20,000 for violating parole
  I could probably burn down a church, rob a bank, steal a car, and hijack an airplane and not need that amount of money for legal representation.  I'd just go to Mexico.
  
  Kobe Bryant is getting divorced because of his cheating ways and people are saying Kobe is blaming his teammates for talking about his affairs.  Kobe allegedly told some of his teammates who in turn told their wives who in turn told everyone and it eventually got back to Vanessa.  She's caught Kobe with many women over the years but a recent affair seemingly was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Oh the poor dear.  She suffered for 10 years and sat in silence for 10 years but waited until 10 years to divorce him because after 10 years she'll get lifetime spousal support.  I wonder how she'll make it through this difficult time knowing she'll die one day without ever having to fill out a W-2 in a multimillion dollar mansion she didn't pay for.  Maybe Kobe should change his number to 10 this year.
  
  A human rights watch-dog group has launched an investigation into these pieces of shit over allegations that their new clothing line employs slave labor in the production phase.  Their three clothing lines are manufactured in China where government regulations are ignored and workers are subject to inhumane conditions such as working 84 hours 7 days a week in non-air conditioned factories where temperatures soar to well over 100F.  These pieces of shit made $65million from their clothing last year while the workers in the factory made $1 an hour and the workers basically only make $15 a month after food expenses and rent have been paid to their bosses.  The workers also can't talk, listen to music, lift their heads to look around, or get up to stretch while working.  Workers also have to ask permission to use the bathroom and those that are specialized laborers aren't even given bathroom breaks and either have to hold it or go at their stations.   The fact that these pieces of shit use slave labor to make millions of dollars shouldn't surprise anyone other than the Kardashians themselves.  I guess they got confused and thought they were spreading the wealth and besides that, warm weather, sewage, and slaves are all themes of a sex tape released by one of them.  The good news is that every store that carries these monsters clothing are reporting that sales are drastically down.  I'm sure sales will pick up once people learn that the long sleeve shirts were made by Chinese children who are chained to chairs that are bolted to the floor and who get 4 minutes with a bucket if they have to go to the bathroom.  American people love heart-warming tales like that at the Christmas season.  So do you have any Kardashian clothes under your Christmas tree this year?  Also think of this, Americans need jobs and the Kardashians are sending all those jobs to China so they can make $65million instead of $10million.  I guess "small children chained to walls and forced to work in horrible conditions" takes priority over "Americans need jobs".  Of course the Kardashians deny using slave labor and Kris Jenner herself has flown to China to make sure it's true and she's also planning on suing everyone who insinuates that they employ child slave laborers to make their clothing.  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT FROM A WOMAN WHO WHORES HER CHILDREN OUT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?  Let's not kid ourselves into thinking these pieces of trash actually care that a starving Chinese child works 84 hours a week to make their clothing.  The Kardashian family is a microcosm of everything that is wrong with America.  It's funny how the whole family feigns concern over the genocide in Armenia and conditions in Haiti but they only see green when a child in China has a shock collar forced around their neck because they didn't meet their daily quota of fur lined shit that no one wants to wear.  I guess what I'm trying to say is fuck the Kardashians.
  
  That's 16 year old Kendall Jenner in the forefront playing on a stripper pole.  She's the second youngest of the Kardashian Klan so it's fitting she's so young and knows how to work a pole.  Well I guess the Kardashians will need money in a few years after they declare bankruptcy and are thrown in prison for fraud.
  
  What a goon!  I can't help but look at this photo of Justin Bieber and laugh because THIS is what everyone is crazy about.  If that's the case then I'm a sex symbol.  Even though Justin isn't technically an adult, he's been spending a lot of time at the Playboy mansion.  He is only 17 and has unlimited access to the mansion and can just show up whenever he pleases.  I wonder what Selena thinks.  But think of this, Justin is famous, makes a lot of money, and has a penis.  Those are the only criteria to get into the Playboy Mansion so this shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.  Well other than he's 17.  The true surprise here is a bruise I have on my leg.  How did it get there?
  
  Justin Timberlake supposedly proposed to Jessica Biel this week while on vacation in Wyoming.  Here's a fun fact about Wyoming, the state reptile is the horned frog.  Wasn't that fun?  I'd marry her so I could be near that caboose.  Yowza!  I haven't dated in years but I have looked at photos of Jessica Biel over the years and she is a Packers fan so we have a good connection going.  I'm sure she'll be calling me any minute now.  Some say it's fun being a celebrity but look at this difficult decision Justin Timberlake is facing.  He either marries Jessica Biel and gets to have sex with her for the rest of his life or he is single and gets to have sex with a myriad of 18 and 19 year old girls with no gag reflexes.  It's like Sophie's Choice but with sex and fewer Nazis.  I'm glad I'm not a celebrity.  I would buckle under the pressure.
  
  Remember hearing how James Franco was attending college while filming movies and he ended up graduating with honors?  Remember how you thought he was so smart for accomplishing this?  Well he's probably not that smart.  A professor at NYU is claiming that he was fired because he gave Franco a D on his report card.  The professor, who is suing NYU for wrongful termination, says that Franco was absent for 11 out of 14 classes and then one of the times Franco showed up he was passed out in the back of class and TMZ captured it in this famous photo.  The professor, Jose Angel Santana, said he was the only teacher to stand up to Franco and not play favorites with him.  Santana also alleges that some NYU profs befriended Franco to get their work on the screen and this is the case with Jay Anania who hired Franco to star in and re-write his movie "Shadow & Lies".  The university is now threatening a lawsuit against Santana for revealing confidential student material in that he discussed how many classes Franco skipped.  So they basically admitted he was a shitty student.  Franco has remained silent on the matter but other teachers have said that Franco received no special treatment but when other students are expected to be at every lecture and he's not, well, what do you call that?  I love how celebrities complain about receiving special treatment and take advantage of it at the same time.  Franco showed up at the Oscars high as a kite so let's not pretend he was a diligent student like Hilary Swank was when she was trying to free Sam Rockwell from prison or she who must not be named in her African studies classes.
  
  Jake Gyllenhaal turned 31 this week.   Merry Christmas...I've wasted my life.
  
  Gerard Butler almost died on the set of a movie he's currently filming.  He's filming a movie in a famous surfing location called Mavericks Break in northern California.  Gerard was sucked underwater and the waves tossed him into some rocks.  He was rescued by stuntmen on the set and taken to a hospital where he was examined and called an idiot by doctors.  Gerard claims that the scene was going as planned until he realized he wasn't a professional stuntman and had no clue what he was doing trying to be a surfer.
  
  As I look at this photo of David Cross I can sense that he is dying on the inside.  Cross had this to say about his time working on the Chipmunks movies: "This last film was literally, without question, the most unpleasant experience I’ve ever had in my professional life. It’s safe to say I won’t be working with some of those people ever again. Not the actors. And the director [Mike Mitchell] was great. We got along. There were a couple of people, though…it was just a really awful, unpleasant experience."  Well what do you expect from working on a movie called Chip-wrecked?  That just sounds awful and to me it sounds like the name of Satan's yacht.  I guess it wasn't all bad for him because he then said this: "I got recognized in China,I got recognized in a teeny tiny town in Mozambique. In Zimbabwe. Botswana. It’s crazy."  Yeah, someone like David Cross being in the Chipmunks movies is sort of crazy.  I'm pretty sure somewhere in his life David sold his soul to Satan and this is Satan's weird sense of humor.  David wants to be recognized for his work and he gets recognized in places outside of America.
  
  This week former American Idol contestant David Archuleta broke down and started crying during a show.  He announced that he was quitting his music career while he goes on his Mormon mission.  Oh poor baby...wait...what music career?
  
  I'm glad to see that Charlie Sheen has realized that are other fish in the sea.  Me?  Well I guess I've only been fishing in the areas of the sea that are considered to be dead zones.  That and I use tiny bait.
  
  This guy right here is the man.  Bruce Willis went to a tree lot to buy a Christmas tree.  The tree he bought supposedly set him back $50 but Bruce gave the guy $150 and then when he asked for help getting the tree loaded onto his car, two workers helped him and Bruce gave them each $100.  You know that may not sound like a lot but it gives me hope after all the shit I write about how horrible some of these people are.  This might make me consider that Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time although my ancestors are probably looking down on me and shaking their heads with disapproving looks knowing I praise the actions of a man who displays a cut tree.
  
  Brad Pitt turned 48 this week.  He celebrated by getting smoking copious amounts of marijuana.  Wait, that's how he celebrates every day.
  
  People are still making the claim that Beyonce is faking her pregnancy.  Ever since that first shot of her pregnant was released and you see a person adjusting what appears to be a pillow people have said it's fake.  There are those close to Beyonce and Jay-Z that claim they have been brokering a deal to buy a baby.   I guess my take on this is that Beyonce needs to not only look pregnant but act like she's pregnant.  People are claiming that she's been spending nights partying at night clubs and drinks quite heavily while there but then what is "drinks quite heavily" to some is a single drink to me.  I drink two bottles of beer and my mom thinks I'm an alcoholic.  I don't know if she's pregnant or not and I might be skeptical of the whole thing.  Personally I won't think she's not pregnant until I see her operating heavy machinery because the warning labels all saying products shouldn't be used by pregnant women or those who operate heavy machinery.
  
  Former American Idol contestant Adam Lambert (left) was arrested this week in Finland after he got into a fight with his boyfriend, Finnish reality "star" Sauli Koskinen, outside of a gay club.  The police held both for questioning and they were later released.  Police said the dispute started in the back rooms of a gay club called Don't Tell Mama and escalated to the streets when both were kicked out of the club.  Both Adam and Sauli were tight-lipped as to what caused the fight.  After he was released Sauli wrote this on his blog: "Publicity is not easy, but also celebrities are just human. Love is not easy either, but it lasts forever!"  Wrong, love does not last forever.  I'm pretty sure love ends when you are arrested by police for fighting outside of a gay club.  I've learned two things from this story.  First, I should really do my hair like Adam Lambert to give the illusion that I'm taller but I'm an old man and my hair seems to be thinning.  Please love me and become my wife before it goes away.  Sorry, that won't happen again.  Second, gay people are like straight people and they beat on their significant others too so I guess that means we should like let them get married and stuff.
  
  Remember last week when I posted a photo of Courtney Stodden exposing her bikini in the middle of Hollywood?  Turns out she was on her way to a photo shoot.  I guess nothing says "tis the season" like a 50+ year old guy and his child bride frolicking in Santa outfits and looking like they are trying to do a standing 69.  I wonder how Jesus feels about her cavorting like a common $5 whore around the time his birthday is observed.  If you want to see the whole photo set, go here, and then prepare to go to hell.

  Well I hope you enjoyed.  I hope you have a great holiday and stay tuned because I'll be back with another post today.

  • 5:04 PM
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