December 28, 2011
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Motivation
I find it ironic that tonight I’m watching TV and one the History Channel I see American Pickers and they are glorifying hoarding and then I flip to the next channel and A&E is airing Hoarders and they are demonizing hoarding. I wish my TV would make up it’s mind.
Drew Brees shouldn’t get all the credit for breaking Dan Marino’s passing record. That weird birthmark threw a few passes along the way. If you cut that sucker off, then Brees is just a subpar quarterback sort of like Tony Romo.
I am the Picasso of loneliness.
One of my ex-girlfriends referred to her nipples as the eyes of her boobs. I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was cross-eyed.
Do you know where I can return ten lords-a-leaping without a gift receipt?
A recent study determined that overweight children are more likely to have asthma. The best way to cure this is to tell the kids to stop inhaling their food.
Dear Santa, all I wanted for Christmas was a girl with low self-esteem and questionable tattoos that I can mock on my blog. You didn’t deliver. Screw you. I hope you contracted salmonella from the raw chicken in the sushi Ileft out for you.
A recent study revealed that the best example of American greed can be found on the day after Christmas when people are out looking for more stuff after spending the previous day receiving free stuff.
Have you ever spent your Christmas in a bathroom drinking because everyone is “concerned” with your drinking habits? Why is it that whenever someone is monitoring your drinking habits, you want to get shit-faced even more?
This week a man set a record by visiting 63 different airports in one month. He wasn’t as happy to break the record as you’d expect. He had to endure 63 strip searches by TSA.
When I was in high school my school spirit was vodka.
Did you enjoy the new air guitar I got you for Christmas?
Friends are like snowflakes, if you piss on them, they’ll disappear. Or they'll be your best friend forever if their name is R Kelly or Chuck Berry.
There is one day every year that “Christmas” is searched more than “porn” on Google. Oddly, that day is August 7th.
I’m depressed now that Christmas is over. I take off my fake beard and I’m just a fat guy.
Imagine being afraid of spiders and walking through a cobweb. You have just pictured what it looks like when I dance.
Guys, if you find a girl drinking whiskey with no mixer, put a ring on her finger or to the nearest IHOP, you know which ever is easier for you.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
I always feel low when I’m in the drivethru at McDonald’s. The only time I feel more depressed is when I’m singing to my CD player that’s playing Alanis Morrissette while I’m sitting in the parking lot of Kmart.
I’m surprised they didn’t name the Forever Lazy the Forever Virgin.
I won’t buy marijuana to make myself dumb and lazy because I was born that way.
I think I’m responsible for HBO canceling “Hung”. I went to pitch my own TV show and I don’t know why it happened but during my presentation I dropped my pants.
When did proper grammar become a desirable trait in a partner instead of a skill?
I went out Christmas shopping and mistook a strip club for a strip mall. Long story short, I blew all my money and my family received coasters, swizzle sticks, and napkins for presents.
I had good news and bad news when I woke up this morning. The bad news was there was gum stuck in my chest hair. The good news was it wasn’t my gum.
Since I was alone for Christmas, I stood under the mistletoe and masturbated.
The worst part of going to your company’s Christmas party is looking for a job the next day.
I’m pretty sure I ate so much this weekend that my toilet has stretch marks.
Ladies, if you don’t know what to get your boyfriend or husband for Christmas, I’m here to help. No guy will complain if the only gift he receives is a piece of paper that says “Certificate good for ____ blowjobs.” I think the larger the number should be relative to the amount of times you cheated on him.
Ladies, if you ever meet a man that seems perfect in every way, he probably has a really weird looking penis. I’m just warning you now so you’re expectations aren’t that high when we get married.
A recent study conducted said that German women have low expectations when it comes to sex because German men are such horrible lovers. Looks like I’m moving to Germany so that way I won’t be disappointing every lady, just some.
A new study found that Xanga doesn’t ruin relationships;people do. Xanga’s just an accelerant.
My Xanga crush is adorable. They finally admitted that I’m mentally unstable and have issues with the number structure of my pronouns.
What if spammers and bots on Xanga were actually aliens from another planet and they haven’t mastered the English language yet?
One of the reasons Twitter is better than Xanga is because you can’t spell “Twitter” without “wit” or “tit”. If you can’t appeal to my mind you should aim for appealing to my eyes.
Sometimes you need to step back, take a deep breath, log off Xanga, and realize there’s more to life than arguing about racism, foreskins,and oral sex.
The longer I’m on Xanga, the more hypocritical it becomes when I’ll have to teach my children not to talk to strangers.
New Xanga team welcome message on first posts: Welcome to Xanga. Feel free to attack and judge. Don’t forget to keep it catty and ignorant.
Comments (31)
my cyan lives in the same town as the american pickers. we've run into the tall skinny one a couple times while at the local wine bar.
loved the walk the dinosaur pic and done did the real farmville thing. In fact, come to think about it, I'm doing a garden experiement for my Watchtower site. I guess we really will be playing farmville!
Do you ever perform your one-liners on open mike night at a comedy club?
a lot of that catty and ignorant around, fer sure... fun post...
a coupla those pics were deep, man.
my fiancee said he liked this girl once, just thought she was cute, you know. And then, he nipples were totally - one looking up and right, one looking down and left... and he just couldn't continue with it..
I feel like shit eating McDonald's....especially when i'm in my workout clothes and i go there right after going to the gym. It defeats the whole purpose of working out and i hate when i do that, but i have no self control!!
Is there an opposite version of rule 63?
"issues with the number structure of my pronouns." Wow! That is so cool - what does it mean?
Oh man, the female Link. Lol
drugs - scary stuff... megachurches - even scarier... curses/foiled - one of the reasons i don't like the holidays - my sister and cousin used to prank me to no end... and because they were both girls i had to just sit and take it (they used to like plastic wrap...) while everyone else was amused; and if i retaliated i had to deal with my father and uncle, who always argued, they're just girls, they're just having a little fun...
One of your ex girlfriends... how many you have?
[I’m pretty sure I ate so much this weekend that my toilet has stretch marks.]
WHOA!
And I like the new xanga welcome message. It fits purrfectly.
Forever Virgin = good one. And those commercials are so pathetic.
I saw Snuggies at the thrift store near me last week. They looked dusty, like they've been sitting there for a long while. Even the poor/thrifty folk won't buy them.
No you cannot return the ten lords a leaping... but then that's what ebay is for.
They insured the Forever Lazy's couldn't be labeled Forever Virgin when they added the drop bottoms into the design. But it kinda creeps me out that theres gonna be a whole lotta people walking around looking like TeleTubbies! /shudder
Great entertainment on a day when I am so fucking bored I feel like drilling holes through my skull!!
LOL! I had that headphones one as my wall paper b4. What?
omg eww that squirrelantula one is really creepy gross... and lol at that last line there, that should totally be the new message
I'll let my bf know he needs to take me to IHOP.
Lol, you really hit the nail on the head.
Oh, come on, you must know of some use for those ten lords. Maybe they could do some chores around the house? Or you could stuff them in the garage and re-gift them next year.
And I'm stealing the "foiled" picture. I would do that to one of my coworkers, but I'm too cheap to buy all that foil.
@whisperitloudly - they came through my area this summer but I didn't get a chance to see them. In the most recent episode I saw they were talking about a big celebration in my neck of the woods. I hope the next time I go that I'll see them.
@hesacontradiction - I make fun of my cousins who send me a weekly invite to Farmville on Facebook by saying that if I want to play Farmville I'll just go work in my garden or visit my uncle's farm.
@sleekpeek - I have thought about it before but not a lot of place around me to do stand up.
@roscoes_farm - it's been getting pretty bad around here but I'm trying to stay away from it, hopefully that post by the head honcho guy will bring some peace for a week or so.
@consignedhearts111 - I think we need to start a campaign to bring awareness to asymmetrical nipples and we could have wristbands like Lance Armstrong.
@ShamrockLover - last week, because of Christmas shopping and what not I broke down and ate fast food a few times. I still feel so bloated.
@Rob_of_the_Sky - The full version of Rule 63 is that for every male character there is a female counterpart and vice versa.
@FrenzElectric - I have no clue because I don't speak English
@Hinase - Rule 63 is very interesting
@xplorrn - I went to a mega-church in Minneapolis. It was quite the experience. At first I thought I was at the metrodome. I kept thinking I was at the Metrodome as I walked past the coffee shop, the cafe, the childcare area, the concession stands, the Christian clothing store, the Christian music store, and all the people trying to get me to join a mission trip.
@RestlessButterfly - Well in my head I've probably had thousands of girlfriends
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength - Yeah, deep fried turkey was so good but it came back with a vengeance.
@Cestovatelka - I saw some products commercials today while flipping channels. One I couldn't believe was being advertised at 3PM and the other was so stupid that it will probably be a huge hit.
I have a Snuggie, it's is a Packers Snuggie. It is draped over the arm of my couch and I leave it there to prevent my cats from digging in my couch.
@spinner_mom - I'll have to start an eBay account.
I just can't believe that the Snuggie was so popular that someone thought, "How can we make this product even BETTER?" And that is what they came up with.
@crazy2love - glad I could help and prevent you from drilling holes in your skull
@BenelliMan - hahaha that's awesome
@Peridot21 - well it should be the greeting message for a few people or Xanga should automatically place that disclaimer on every single one of their comments or on everything they recommend
@Saridactyl - IHOP is awesome, it's where the magic and romance happen
@ohveryoung - yeah Xanga has been sucking because of all the crap that shows up in my inbox
@leaflesstree - or I could pimp them out and make a few bucks and then be able to go by my pimp name, Snuggy Bear
Check out the Dollar Tree stores, they have fun stuff like that. It truly is the prankster's paradise when it comes to prices.
About the T.V, at the very top: yeah, I find it amusing when that happens. Same thing can be said about this post. Way to describe the way you dance -- true or not, funny picture. And an air guitar? Where?! FedEx >.>
And I definitely agree with you about the whole Xanga bit. Oh well.
I hope you're doing well. It was nice reading one of your posts again.
@nov_way - I've also come to the conclusion that no matter what there is always a movie with Gene Hackman on my cable.
Yeah I am not a good dancer.
I bet Fed Ex messed it up. It should've been there by now.
Xanga is Xanga. I actually think the trolling was worse when I first started getting out of my cocoon.
Thanks for stopping by. I was wondering what happened to you. I was thinking maybe you jumped over to Tumblr.
Catty and Ignorant . . . I went to school with them. They are bitches.
Masturbated under the mistletoe, eh? hehehehe. Wondered what I slipped on.
One more holiday, man, and we are clear until 2/14, which also sucks.
@adventofreason - yeah they made high school and college hell
why bother mopping? There are jizz moppers at adult stores that get paid hazard pay wages to mop jizz and I'm not going to be a sucker and not get paid.
yeah and that holiday may be worse than Christmas
lol @the conclusion.
And I can believe that about Xanga.
aw, thanks. But nah, no tumblr for me; anything to avoid having yet another password. Just offline mostly.
@nov_way - that's cool, I really need to get away from the internet but I keep getting items that need the internet to function like an ereader and an mp3 player. I have something like 100 ebooks now but I haven't paid for any of them...I'm a pirate.
Love your Motivation cards. (Especially the Megachurch)
haha. Yeah, being that is such a big issue to the business world we had a case about it in class.
@curiousdwk - glad you enjoyed
@nov_way - well the site I'm downloading them from is a site that handles only classic literature.
Comments are closed.