January 11, 2012

• Motivation

  Most people eventually become what they hate so eventually I’ll become a Nickelback album. 

  I’m writing this joke during the football national championship game because it’s about as exciting as a handjob on the secon ddate.

  I’m pretty sure that in a sane world that John Huntsman would defeat President Obama in an election but thanks to the Tea Party fo rkeeping his poll numbers lower than Bristol Palin’s underwear we won’t have to worry about that.  John Huntsman said Ron Paul was unelectable which is sort of like Paris Hilton saying Kim Kardashian has no talent.

  I think the only thing I’ve taken away from the president’s term thus far is to not trust anyone who is selling hope.  Now if he were to offer magic beans, I’d be sold.

  January 9, 1835 was the last time the U.S. debt was at $0.  It was short lived because President Andrew Jackson bought a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens and Beatings for Indigenous Peoples.

  Can someone please put Tim Tebow on the cover of the next Madden football game?  I’m pretty sure atheists have their proof that God exists because there is no way without divine intervention that Tebow could’ve had such a great game.

  Scientists discovered a great way to beat insomnia.  It’s called church.

  I am always unsure if buying a baseball video game was the right idea until I bean Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter in the head.  Then I know it was money well spent.

  The price of a Powerball ticket will increase to $2 because of the rising demand of dreaming by the American middle class.

  Penn State named Bill O’Brien as their new head coach and in his first act as head coach and to make sure there wouldn’t be any more incidents; he has replaced all showers at Penn State with chapels.

  The Kardashians announced they are coming out with a line of Barbie dolls.  The funny thing is that the dolls will be more real than the Kardashian sisters.

  To cash in on people who have no health insurance, Groupon has decided to start offering healthcare coupons.  The good thing about the coupons is that they will expire after the patient.

  Van Halen announced they were going on tour.  The ticket prices are reasonable especially since they offer a senior citizen’s discount.

  Why is it that every time a guy says he’s going to kick my ass, he punches me in the face?

  Inside my massive frame there’s a sensitive boy that wants you to hold him and inside his frame there’s a pervert that wants to watch you take a shower.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Asking a girl how many men she’s slept with is just as bad as her asking how often you wear your exgirlfriend’s underwear while walking your dog.

  My favorite beer is the one the hot bartender has to bend over to reach.

  Gas, oil, and other fuels were the top American exports in2011.  This was the first year in America’s history that the top exports weren’t jobs and money.

  I hope this doesn’t come off as too pessimistic but we’re all going to die.

  I wish belly buttons were more useful.  Maybe once in a while it could make me a steak dinner.

  I am incapable of hearing the words “just hang in there” or“it will happen when it’s ready”.

  Ladies, a good way to tell if a man makes more money than you is to go inside his bathroom and look at his soap.  If he has a bar of soap that is just a bunch of bars all clumped together chances are he doesn’t make much money or he’s slightly insane.

  I wish Christianity, Judaism, and Islam could be united so we could take out Scientology in a major bloodbath.

  My penis is like a Nintendo cartridge.  You have to blow on it before you shove it into a tight space to get it to work.

  They say that if you love something you should set it free.  But what happens if she decides to press charges?

  My girlfriend told me her mouth was a great Snuggie.  In other news, they’re coming to take me away because of my overactive imagination.

  The pope announced today that gay marriage is not a proper setting for children.  I tried to tell him another bad place for kids but he put his fingers in his ears.

  Considering all the sex I’m not having, I’m pretty shocked I’m not married.

  They say drinking alcohol doesn’t solve any problems but neither does water so I’ll stick with beer and whiskey.

  I once had sex with a cross-eyed lady.  It’s nice to be the center of attention every once in a while.

  Women are only good for one thing which actually makes them more useful than men.

  What did ignorant people do with their thoughts before they had Xanga for writing and commenting?

  I heard a rumor that there are people on Xanga who aren’t friends with @TheTheologiansCafe. 

  If you’ve never had to explain your screen saver, then your Xanga crush isn’t as pretty as mine.
  

  I haven’t been on Xanga much lately.  I’ve been too busy polishing my grand master of karate tournament trophy that I bought at a yard sale last weekend.
  

  I’ve been on Xanga so long that I now take more pleasure in getting emails asking about my mental health than emails asking where they can send photos of their boobs.
  

  I tried some of these Xanga jokes out at the bar and all I got was, “What the hell is Xanga?  When my boyfriend gets back he’s going to kick your creepy ass out of here.”
  

  I believe every Xangan has at lest one post in them that is top blog worthy and could change the way Xanga operates or reminds me to change my cats’ litterbox.

  • 8:47 PM
  • 35 Comments