January 18, 2012

• Motivation

  I want to be a porn director because if you’re a director you experience all the glam of the porn industry and you get to keep yourself-respect.

  Do you think Madonna still turns her red baseball hat backwards when she arm wrestles?

  A New York City self-described hipster is suing Pizza Hut because he claims eating their pizza caused him to burn his mouth.  Pizza Hut said that the hipster ate their pizza before it was cool.

  Do you think that 30 years from now people will get off school to commemorate Lady Gaga and Perez Hilton in their work with the LGBT community?

  John Huntsman dropped out of the GOP nomination race which upset his supporter.  He may have pulled out because he was only one percentage point more favorable than salmonella poisoning.

  Do you think that because Spiderman shoots webs out of his hands, does he have to wear gloves when he’s intimate with Mary Jane?

  Too bad the Green Bay Packers’ loss was not covered by State Farm.  DISCOUNT DOUBLE CHECK!  Oh wait, anyway, it's too bad they lost.

  I’m not saying my girlfriend’s a gold digger but she works in a goldmine for 12 hours a day.

  The Pope excommunicated Tim Tebow from the Catholic Church because Tebow was screwed by the Patriots before they were married.

  Do you think homeless people understand “knock knock” jokes?

  Jay-Z has vowed never to say the word “bitch” in his “music”ever again because of the birth of his daughter.  Apparently having a mother and wife weren’t enough to get him to quit saying “bitch”.

  Do you think the reason they make February Black History Month and have Valentine’s Day in the same month that it’s the universe’s way of saying it hates lonely white people?

  5 out of 5 men agree that they don’t care if a woman nurses in public because if the boobs are out we’re looking.

  You know when girls pose with a duckface, they are just giving people a bigger target to punch.

  A proposed tax on soda pop will be a cent per ounce and it’s geared to help eliminate childhood obesity. There is also talk of a “getting off your ass and working” tax break.

  I think girls need to come to a consensus as to what“hooking up” means.  Last night I held hands with a girl for hours and was told that we totally hooked up.

  I just bought a new Rosetta Stone course. The language is called Bjork.

  I can totally tell when I am into a girl and she’s worth getting to know.  It’s when I can carry on a conversation with her and I’m totally sober.

  Masturbation isn’t sex with someone I love.  And does that mean I’m a chubby chaser?

  The best part of being with an older woman is that she won’t laugh when I get naked in front of her but then she doesn’t applaud either.

  I think a TV show that features just me sitting at my computer writing stuff on Xanga would be funnier than that new Napoleon Dynamite cartoon.  That cartoon would be funnier if this was 2005.

  Mitt Romney gave an unemployed woman $50.  Big deal! I’ve given a woman $50 before so I could get a blowjob.  Romney got nothing out of it.  What a sucker!  And you want him to be president?

  I speak fluent German when I sneeze.

  I like how all the girls have decided to play a trick me all at the same time by all not returning my texts or calls.

  I’m set for Valentine’s Day. I bought a $5 bottle of wine from Walmart and I found one of those chocolate roses I bought last year but didn’t give to anyone.  Ladies, this could be yours.  Are you ready for the love train to run wild all over your body for 30 seconds and then fall asleep?

  Speaking of romance, have you ever noticed that what girls consider romantic is from at least 100 years ago?  My last girlfriend always said that the most romantic thing I did for her was to prepare a meal without using a microwave,eating under candlelight, and then taking a ride in a horse drawn carriage.  100 years from now will guys have to prepare meals using real food, eating under incandescent lightbulbs and driving the SUV to see a movie at a theater?

  And now your weekly motivation that took me forever to download through the editor because Xanga only seems to be worried about the iPhone app and have forgotten to do anything with the web-based product:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  If a girl ever says, “I will kick your ass at Madden” then I will buy her an engagement ring immediately and then there’ll be a lot of cunnilingus because I’m romantic like that.

  Have I told you about my idea for Vicodin flavored ice cream?  It’s ice cream with Vicodin inside.

  Does anyone know when they’ll change the name of Man vs.Food to Man vs. Food vs. Congestive Heart Failure?

  Nothing makes me feel more manly than when a woman screams“Oh my god, it’s so hard,” as I’m trying to teach her how to assemble a shotgun.

  Have you ever wondered if the dollar bills in your wallet or purse were once in a stripper’s g-string?

  I want to be on the next edition of The Bachelor so I can fart on a date and then make the girl take the blame and if she’s unsure I’ll just say, “I guess you don’t want a rose.”

  Don’t waste money on buying a scale if you want to know how much you weigh.  Just tell strangers that you’re a ballet dancer and you can gauge your weight based on the look on their faces.

  I heard that Nicholas Sparks is writing a novel about a booming romance between my foot and his genitals.

  I have watched so much Law & Order: SVU that I could probably be a good lawyer or rapist.

  A girl once told me her dog died and I said that’s good because now she can write a book and then have a movie titled “ your dog’s name and Me”.  She kicked me in the balls.

  I once told a girl that she was as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.  She said that I watch The Simpsons.  I had a nerdgasm.

  Axe Body Wash can best described by it’s name in French, Gel Douche.

  Xanga doesn’t look that impressive when you first start but once you get involved with some drama it turns into Cloverfield.  Wow, a Cloverfield joke…and people have said I was brilliant.
  

  Is there nothing better in life than denying a mass friend request on Xanga?
  

  New Xanga motto…Xanga: Where Grown Adults Use the Word“Crush”.
  

  And I could really care less about the iPhone app.  I just want Xanga to produce a quality product where everything is working and not bits and pieces.  It's funny how now you can see photos but now you can't upload them with the uploader.  I have always appreciated the work of the Xanga team for letting me use this service to entertain people free of charge but this is getting pretty bad and then to top it off seeing the professionalism emerge with insults being thrown at users.  Forget the iPhone, work on this product and when it's 100% then try to go to the iPhone and Android.
  

  NPR said Xanga was a relevant media outlet.  I can’t even write a punchline for this one.

  • 7:58 PM
  • 25 Comments