January 21, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 1/20/12

  Snow, we had snow today.  I'm so worn out and health problems are creepy back...oh well I won't dwell on it.  It's time for the round up.
  
  

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Snooki posted this photo of herself without make-up on Twitter this week.  Wow.  She actually looks better without all that junk spackled on her face.    She should definitely do this more often.
  
  Serena Williams always amazes me.  Well certain parts of her amaze me to say the least.  That booty.  You could try to bounce a quarter on that and it would break into 25 pennies.
  
  Rihanna has been in Hawaii smoking the good stuff this week.  I bet she's wondering if the people in the bushes taking her picture are paprazzi or cyclops with flashing eyes.  Maybe she's just smoking a cigar in an odd manner but she went on Twitter and posted this tweet: "Waken… Baken… Good morning".  I guess you do the math.  Clearly she's an addict and needs help.  She can spend 6 months at my house getting clean.  I'm here to help.  I bet weed is how she eases the pain of her life.  She's hooking up with Chris Brown again and by "hooking up" I don't mean "holding hands".  A source close to the situation says that they meet up at least once a week for a rendezvous.  Rihanna has said she could never date Chris Brown again because she doesn't trust him because of infidelity.  I'm glad her only trust issue is his infidelity and not him beating the snot out of her. 
  
  In the past three years I've watched Paula Deen devour deep-fried bacon wrapped funnel cake pizza but on the Today Show this week Paula said she's had Type 2 diabetes for the past 3 years.  Paula said she wanted to get all the facts straight before she started speaking about it.  This means that she's been working on turning her diabetes into a way to sponsor diabetes medicine.  You know it's odd that a woman who has high blood pressure and is overweight and eats a high fat diet would have diabetes.  It seems so random.  Even though deep-fried macaroni and cheese soup topped with whipped cream wrapped bacon isn't her friend Paula will continue to eat it but only in MODERATION.  Paula is a genius.  If she said she wasn't going to eat her food any longer then people wouldn't buy her cookbooks.  No, she says to eat in moderation so you can go out and enjoy her delicious Krispy Kreme bread pudding...in MODERATION.  So instead of changing her diet and losing revenue from her cookbook empire, Paula Deen is in bed with the pharmaceuticual companies.  I bet they're working on butter flavored insulin. 
  
  In response to Paul Deen declaring she has diabetes my biological father although he doesn't know it and neither does my dad, Anthony Bourdain, has weighed in on the issue.  Years ago he once called Paula Deen "the most dangerous chef in America".  Bourdain said this in an interview: "Clearly this has been coming for a while. She’s been looking for ways to position herself. Is she really going to be selling the cure now? Or will she back off for a decent interval? I take no pleasure in it. There ain’t nothing funny about Diabetes.  When your signature dish is hamburger in between a doughnut, and you’ve been cheerfully selling this stuff knowing all along that you’ve got Type 2 Diabetes… It’s in bad taste if nothing else. How long has she known? I suspect a very long time. On Tuesday when she announces it, it’ll be to say I just got diagnosed… Al Roker won’t be asking her how long she’s known. I don’t think people will press that issue."  Bourdain then went on Twitter and wrote this: "Thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business, so I can profitably sell crutches later."  I love that guy.  I'm fairly certain that the down-home sweet image is just a schtick and she doesn't eat 99% of the things she cooks on TV.  She knows how to market herself and she kept up her unhealthy cooking schtick until she had all her endorsements lined up for her next marketing move.  Who knows, maybe they'll get Paula to do diabetes commercials with Wilford Brimley and then they will decide that there needs to be a how-to video to show diabetics how they can safely have sex.  I think I just made myself impotent thinking of Paula and Wilford.  I bet Paula would have Wilford do the butter scene from "Last Tango in Paris".
  
  Olivia Munn is a geek goddess.  Wow...she's just...wow.  But I have to get real here.  It will never happen so I have to move on.  Someone love me, please?
  
  It's nice to have money.  Miley Cyrus gained 15lbs last year and she spent over $50,000 to have it removed.  I bet she gained all that weight because of the all the munchies she got from smoking salvia.  Of course I do have to give Miley credit in that she didn't have it surgically removed.  She hired a chef, nutritionist, and a personal trainer just so she could look good in that bikini.  $50K to drop 15lbs?  Cool.  I guess that's what a person does when they have the means.  And Miley has said she's part of the 99%.  I should be a nutritional consultant because over the years I've delved into the human psyche and learned one phrase that has kept women around me thing.  That phrase is, "Hey, fatass, you want some butter with that?"  If you don't believe me, ask my imaginary girlfriend who is 5'10" and weighs 100lbs.
  
  It's a good thing that my generation's Chuck Norris wasn't on any of the planes flown during the 9/11 attacks because those terrorists would've been killed by Marky Mark.  In an interview with Men's Journal Marky opined about what would've happened if he was on one of the flights: "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'"  Somewhere that bald eagle that has been superimposed over the World Trade Center is crying another tear.  I think he would've stunned the terrorists with his song and dance routine from "Good Vibrations" and then he would have killed them with his acting from "The Happening".  Or he could've just killed them straight up before they tried to take over by playing "Rock Star" on the in-flight movie.  Of course Mark is leaving out the part about the terrorists threatening to blow up the plane if passengers tried anything. He's also leaving out the part about how it was simply inconceivable to passengers aboard the two early flights that crashed into the World Trade Center that the terrorists would actually crash into the World Trade Center, unlike passengers aboard Flight 93 (the "Let's Roll" flight that crashed in Pennsylvania), who were told by friends/family about the earlier doomed flights.  Despite all of that, all 5'7" of Mark Wahlberg would've kicked some terrorist ass.   The only blood that would have been in that first-class cabin would have been from his aorta and his tears. Because I'm sure his terrorist survivor skills he learned getting a pedicure in the makeup trailer and complaining that there's no soy milk at the craft services table would have made Islamic extremists on a suicide pact think twice before they crossed the guy from the underwear ads. Oh, no. Not him.    Well people were pretty upset with his comments and Marky Mark issued an apology through his publicist the Funky Bunch...in this case TMZ: "To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention."  I think they better keep that on file because I'm sure Marky Mark will have to use it when he voices his opinions on the Costa Concordia cruise ship tragedy.   In conclusion, fuck you Mark Wahlberg you stupid fucking asshole.
  
  Lindsay Lohan wore this outfit to court this week.  I think the reason she didn't wear a bra was because the underwire sets off the metal detector and she's been getting sick of happening to strip naked to appease the security guards.  The Golden Globes last weekend kicked off the start of awards season and that means stories of Lindsay sneaking into parties where she wasn't invited.  This award show Lindsay snuck into a party thrown by the Weinstein brothers that was thrown before the award ceremony.  To get past the security in front of the Chateau Marmont in L.A. Lindsay snuck through the hotel's back entrance and then made her way to the entrance for photos.  Lindsay Lohan is like the Jason Bourne of crackheads slipping by security to get her photo taken and infiltrating the open bar.  But the one thing I didn't remember from the Bourne movies was when he paid his rent with a blowjob.  In other Lindsay Lohan news, her mother has probably put a hit out on Megan Fox because Megan Fox is also in the running for the biopic about Elizabeth Taylor.  Does the Lifetime Network hate Elizabeth Taylor that much?  God, what casting agency considered Lindsay Lohan and Megan Fox for the role of Elizabeth Taylor?  Well it's the same casting agency that is currently courting me to play President Obama in a movie about his presidency.
  
  I think Vanessa Bryant is now set for life.  She had filed for divorce from her husband Kobe Bryant a few weeks ago and a settlement was reached this week.  I think Vanessa took a page out of Elin Nordgeren's dissertation for her doctorate on gold-digging.  Vanessa will receive half of Kobe's $150million in assets, half of which is money and the other half are their three houses.  Vanessa keeps their current house, her mom keeps a house Kobe had built for her, and Vanessa will receive the house she and Kobe were building.  Oh and she's also going to receive a monthly alimony and child support check.  Vanessa is probably squealing like my mom after she wins on the nickel slots.  OK so maybe she deserves it given that Kobe liked to stick his dick in anything with a pulse but sometimes I wish I had a vagina.  Yeah there's the pain of periods and childbirth but thanks to modern medicine that pain can be taken away.  And then you receive $75million and three mansions.  What good is my penis doing me?  Let the hate mail come forth.
  
  Here's Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez playing house out in public at Jamba Juice.  Makes me want to throw up my smoothie out of jealousy.  Oh how I long for contact with the female of my species but then I wouldn't be kissing for publicity.  That should be left for the bedroom and the kitchen and the living room and the bathroom and the garage and the den and the guestroom and the dining room and the unfinished basement room with the dirt floor. 
  
  This is a first look at Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins in Tim Burton's adaptation of Dark Shadows.  I don't know.  I really liked the original and I don't like remakes that often.  I think Depp looks like a cashier at Hot Topic.  Maybe it will be good.  It's like the 537th movie Depp and Burton have collaborated on.
  
  Jodie Sweetin turned 31 this week.  She's had quite a life after Full House went off the air.  She went from a meth addict to being a mom to back on the meth to divorcee to mom.  Mr. Bear should've been there to look after her.  How rude!
  
  Jim Carrey turned 50 this week.  This is what Carrey currently looks like.  Well actually that's all make-up and wig.  It's a shot from behind the scenes at an upcoming movie called Burt Wonderstone.  It looks like it has promise given that Carrey looks like some of the trailer people in these parts.  When I went and looked at what the movie was about and who was actually starring in it Burt Wonderstone sounds even better.
  
  Jessica Simpson posted this photo on her Twitter.  She is wearing a penis mask but what I noticed was the giant boil she has under her eye.  That thing is huge and when I first saw it I thought it was Biblically epic and then I thought of Job scraping his boils with pieces of broken pottery.  I don't think even he'd touch that one.  The weird thing is she posted this on a Sunday.  I wonder if she wore this to church.  It's also funny that the photo didn't hit gossip sites until Thursday.  I blame SOPA.  The fabric of society is in danger if we can't immediately talk about celebrities wearing huge cocks on their heads.
  
  There was a rumor going around earlier this week that because of the birth of his daughter, Blue Ivy (still sounds like a type of marijuana) that Jay-Z was going to stop using the word "bitch" to refer to women.  And like I said in my Motivation post, it's weird that even though he has a mother and a wife it takes a daughter to get him to stop saying that.  The rumor started after a poem was posted that was attributed to Jay-Z in which he supposedly talks about not degrading women any more: "Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/I didn’t think hard about using the word bitch/I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it".  No man will degrade her, or call her name. I'm so focused on your future, the degradation has passed. I wish you wealth, health and insight. Forever young you may pass. Blue Ivy Carter, my angel".  Well it was just a rumor and Jay-Z addressed reporters at the grand re-opening of his night club by saying that he didn't write that poem and that he will continue to use the word "bitch".  YAY!   Degradation of women in rap!  HUZZAH!  I guess that word has made Jay-Z a lot of money.  I seem to remember a song he did back in the late 90s that started off with him saying it.  I suppose he'll have to utter it to remind everyone how he makes his money.
  
  This is the cover art for Beyonce's new album.  Apparently after she gave birth to Blue Ivy she became a white woman with blonde hair.  Maybe Photoshop just has a new vitiligo filter.  Seriously though, I thought this was Beyonce.  Does that make me racist or does that make her racist?
  
  Legendary singer Etta James passed away at the age of 73 just days away from her 74th birthday.  She had been battling leukemia and dementia for the past year.  Etta is probably best known for the song "At Last" but you should go over to youtube and look up "I'd Rather Go Blind" and "All I Could Do Was Cry".  Etta will be greatly missed and her voice will live on.
  
  And now to cheer us up, here's David Hasselhoff.  We haven't seen much of him so he's either come out of hiding or rehab.  Ladies and Germans, please contain your orgasms.  I think he's trying to get a remake of Baywatch or maybe a new series.
  
  María del Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Gutiérrez de los Perales Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Hinojosa Rasten turned 61 this week.  I'm sort of happy she went by the stage name Charo because her name is a mouthful.  I'm still not sure what she ever did other than saying cuchi cuchi cuchi and being Shakira's mother.
  
  Brad Pitt was photographed walking around aimlessly this week.  Hmmm I wonder what he's been up to.  Good thing he's wearing those glasses so we can't tell his eyes are bloodshot and he's stoned.  You know that silver stuff around his face is supposed to be a beard but it's actually bong resin because he's been smoking the Silver Haze.
  
  Avril Lavigne broke up with her boyfriend Brody Jenner this week.  That is so sad.  If they can't make it as a couple, who can?  Brody has said he's OK with the break-up and he's ready to resume his career.  WHAT CAREER?  He's only done reality shows.  That's REALITY!  SO he's basically going to be real? Maybe the first real thing he could do is remove the tattoo he got of her name.  When I first heard the news they broke up I said, "Whoopty damn doo".  I seriously did.  This relationship probably wasn't an out and out fraud like Brody's stepsister, Kim Kardashian, but it was pretty fake at times.  I sort of wished they'd work it out because no one else in the world should be subjected to them.  Now Avril should get back into the studio but not resume her career.  She should make some GOOD music for a change. 
  
  In case you haven't watched a lick of TV this week, Betty White turned 90.  All hail Queen Betty!  Thank you for being a friend.  Now take some time off and slow down.  You aren't 65 any more.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  If you didn't enjoy blame the SOPA hoopla.

  • 12:53 PM
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