January 25, 2012

• Motivation

  I should really consider renaming these posts.  Maybe I could have a Xanga to come up with a name.

  Vaginas are so nice, they’re like a portable hand-warmer that you’ll always have unless you’re me.

  The real reason Peyton and Eli Manning have never been competitive with each other and have remained close is because they’ve never had an argument about which on is better looking.

  If the world ends on December 21^st, that means we won’t have to worry about using condoms after April.

  A Wisconsin woman was detained by police because they suspected she talked about Fight Club.

  If you own a $600 camera just to take photos of yourself there’s a 100% chance that you’ll never love me.

  Motley Crue announced they will be touring this summer.  Health officials fear the worst hepatitis C outbreak since the last time Kid Rock toured.

  Part of me hopes SOPA passes so people will leave their houses and become friends with me and maybe fall in love.

  I have never played Angry Birds, owned a smartphone, or eaten at Chipotle.  People wonder how I am still alive.

  How I see The Big Bang Theory: Sheldon says, “But my computer came with Windows 7.”  The audience bursts out, some visibly rolling in the aisles. The laughter reaches the audible level of a Judas Priest concert, but ultimately nothing out of the ordinary occurs in the studio. But at that moment, somewhere in the night, a child is born in an inner-city hospital. A child born of the concentrated cacophony of the studio audience, his dark birth killing his mother and ushering in a new age, a dark age. An age of suffering for the entirety of humanity.

  Heidi Klum is divorcing Seal because she wants to date otter people.  I wonder how many grammar Nazis will message me about this one.

  Can I buy a better sense of humor on eBay?  I have a feeling that mine is going to hell.  Maybe there’s an unused sense of humor out there like from an aborted fetus…and that is why my current sense of humor is going to hell.  I shouldn’t call my blog humorous because there needs to be humor therein.

  Wisconsin fact #1: 50% of all the world’s cranberries are grown in this state and I live near the Ocean Spray bogs.  If you’ve ever had one of Ocean Spray’s fine products you are tasting my essence because there have been wild nights of debauchery that end with swimming in the Ocean Spray cranberry bogs.

  Whenever people ignore my calls or texts, I imagine that my phone is broken and they just didn’t receive the message so I can go back living the reality that no one likes me.

  Did you ever notice in the world of Mickey Mouse how Pluto and Goofy were both dogs but Goofy talked and wore clothes and walked like all the other characters and Pluto just kind of drooled, made noise, and moved around?  What was wrong with Pluto if he is a dog just like Goofy?  I sometimes get the feeling that Pluto was mentally challenged and that sick sadistic bastard Mickey kept him as a pet.

  Here’s a shout-out to all the girls with vaginas.

  Former GOP candidate Rick Perry got confused by all the talk of Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney releasing their records so Perry released his STYXX records and declared they were in mint condition and still awesome.

  Wisconsin fact #2: We have to hang a pot roast outside our doors at 9pm every night to appease the timberwolves that roam the streets so they won’t eat our children riding the school buses in the country.

  Family Game Night is a murder/suicide waiting to happen.

  I once read somewhere that most of the laugh tracks were recorded in the 1950s and they are still used today.  The sad thing is most of those people are probably dead which would explain why people laugh at some of the shows on TV.  I’m looking at you "Two Broke Girls" and "Whitney".

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  “Admit it; there is at least one Taylor Swift song that describes your life perfectly.”  William Shakespeare, Hamlet

  “I think I’ve said enough already.” –no woman…EVER

  Sunday without the Packers during football season is like macaroni without cheese.

  When I was in college the school’s firewall blocked so many porn sites.  The only one we could access was entirely in Spanish.  I tried to take Spanish classes because it’s amazing how far you will go to satisfy your desires.

  Egg McMuffins are the Egg McMuffins of artery clogging breakfast fast food.

  I miss the days in America where you could accuse someone of being a witch and then seize their property.  I am totally a 90s kid…a 1690s kid.

  Do you think retired meth cooks have good pensions?

  If Newt Gingrich is elected President we know Callista will be the First Lady but who will be the “other lady”?  I find it funny that Herman Cain was forced out of the GOP nomination race because of his infidelities and yet Newt is thriving.

  *Read this in Jerry Seinfeld’s voice* Have you ever noticed how much Rick Santorum looks like Jerry Seinfeld from the mid 90s?  I keep expecting him to say during a debate,“What’s the deal with Obama?  It’s like an O and then a Bam with an A!  His name is an onomatopoeic face-slap of the Muslim world to my poor Christian mother.”  That’s gold, Jerry!

  Fact of the week: the sound effects used in porn are taped.  They use recordings of old men eating oatmeal.

  Never trust a woman that can lick her own Adam's apple no matter what…NO MATTER WHAT!

  I love going to monster truck rallies to pick up women.  It’s highly erotic watching female monster truck fans eating corndogs and turkey legs plus where else can I use my pick-up line, “Hey, I got a Big Foot in my pants”?

  Guys, never compliment a girl.  It will remind them that they can do better than you.

  The weatherman reported that we could expect 4 to 6 inches tomorrow.  That’s nothing; my girlfriend could expect 2 to 4 inches tonight. Yeah, it’s not impressive.

  When I was a kid I used to think that I was a human and everyone else was a robot.  That’s what I think of Xanga sometimes and what some people on Xanga think of me.

  Someone said Xanga is a waste of time.  Yes, because meeting awesome people, making new friends, and laughing are horrible things.

  Xanga makes me sexually attracted to other people’s brains.  My new pick-up line: "Oh baby, your medulla oblongata is so hot.  Your Rolando's Fissure makes me HARD!"
  

  Never ask why you’re on Xanga.  Only communists ask questions, you understand, comrade?
  

  Some people see my Xanga as a collection of awkward jokes.  Others say my Xanga is an extension of my awkward personality.  In other words, I’m all awkward, baby.
  

  8 words will win any argument on Xanga: “I know you are, but what am I?”
  

  Do you remember the good old days when Xanga had chat and the first thing you did after you logged in was quickly sign off chat because Xanga didn’t give an option to turn off the chat feature?
  

  Xanga is where you post your most intimate thoughts and people come and shit all over them.

  • 7:51 PM
  • 46 Comments