January 28, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 1/27/12

  I'm here....OK I guess.  Anyway, I won't bore you.  Time for the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  In news that doesn't surprise me, Whitney Houston is broke.  And that's funny because she has had more hits than a mafia assassin, a $100million record deal signed in 2001, and a movie soundtrack that sold 44 million copies.  Now she's living off loans from her record label and from her friends who will no longer want to carry that moniker.  Whitney is 48 and blew through all her money and is being supported by her record label Arista and handouts from friends, usually $100 at a time.  People say she'd be homeless if it wasn't for her record label.  I guess the best thing we can learn from this is that we should stay off the drugs.   
  
  Now that the vampire craze has pretty much ran it's course, TV networks are looking for new folklore to shove down our throats and what they are set to shove down our throats are two shows adaptations of Beauty and the Beast.  One will air on the CW, which basically has a show about every supernatural being, and the other will air on ABC.  They will both suck because the version shown above is the only version that matters.  Yeah, I liked that show, wanna fight about it?
  
  Wayne Gretzky turned 51 this week.  I think this marks the first time the Great One has appeared in these parts.  I have no clue what's going on here.  Is this some sort of Canadian hockey ritual? 
  
  Amanda Seyfried is playing Linda Lovelace in the biopic called Lovelace.  I don't know.  I think it will be a pretty boring movie with her as the lead because she doesn't strike me as the porn star who gains notoriety for a specific sex act type.  Now, Lindsay Lohan, who was originally set to star in that movie, would've been perfect for that role.
  
  Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips is collaborating with Ke¢ha and her next album and he posted this photo of what working with her in the studio has been like on his Twitter.  Oh Wayne, you so crazy, no wonder you think they celebrate Christmas on Mars.  I actually think that would make an awesome album cover but then I realize poor Wayne is doing line after line just to tolerate Ke$ha and it pretty much explains her music.  You need coke to get it.
  
  Vanessa Hudgens was frolicking on the beaches of Hawaii this week when she almost fell out of her top in what looked like a photoshoot that wasn't staged at all.  Well if you're new to these parts then you don't remember all the nude photos she's had circulating the net some of which have wound up on the hallow pages of Celebrity Round Up. 
  
  This is Tito Ortiz.  He is a UFC champion fighter, millionaire, and married to a porn star.  He's the American Dream™.  Tito turned 37 this week and I'm only sharing this because a few ladies have accused me of being to mammocentric.  There you go...enjoy.
  
  This is Tim Gunn.  He's probably best known his role on the TV show Project Runway.  Well Tim admitted something this week that probably had some people chuckling.  He said he hasn't had sex in 29 years.  Here's the quote: "I haven't had sex in 29 years. Do I feel like less of a person for it? No. Not even remotely.  It's very personal. I was in a very intense relationship for a long time. And my partner ended it, saying that, quite frankly, he was impatient with my sexual performance.  I'm a perfectly fulfilled person, but it's very physiological. I have feelings. It's not as though I'm some barren forest. I don't want to imply to anyone that I have a mandate that says no sex. I don't. I don't know what's around the corner."  I know this is hard for some people to understand but sex isn't the be-all and end-all for some people.  And I just realized that some of you naughty people are laughing at "END-all".  For some people, happiness isn't a warm gun or holster.  I know what he's going through.  When I see people here complain about not having sex in 3 months it gets sort of old.  I make jokes about it because well I'm trying to be funny but the first three years are the hardest...hahaha...hardest.  Tim seems happy and believe it or not he can be happy without having his genitals near another person's genitals for three decades.  Sex is not a recreational sport.  And I think Tim is sort of up there staring at Tito Ortiz wishing there wasn't a white dot.
  
  Sofia Vergara was at the Producer's Guild Awards last weekend in all of her glory.  There are unconfirmed rumors that her head also attended the event.  Notice these are UNCONFIRMED rumors.  Personally, I'm not buying it.  I think the paparazzo who took this photo was very distracted as am I.
  
  This is Robert Hegyes.  He passed away this week at the age of 60 of an apparent heart attack.  He was best known for playing a sweathog named Juan Luis Pedro Felipo de Huevos Epstein on Welcome Back, Kotter.  He did a lot of acting and in his later years he was teaching acting and screenwriting.  He will be greatly missed.  I wonder if he finally got that note.
  
  So if smoking weed in front of paparazzi and reuniting with a man who beat her senseless causing her to have to have reconstructive surgery wasn't questionable enough, Rihanna got a tattoo this week on her knuckles.  It reads "Thug Life" and is a tribute to Tupac Shakur because he had that tattoo or something or maybe it was something he talked about in his talking fast albums.  It seriously looks like she cut herself and has been picking at the scabs.  Tupac, maybe you should send her some moisturizer from heaven.  Oh wait, you aren't dead.  You know if Rihanna keeps up the questionable behavior she may just find herself getting movie roles.
  
  I was watching a show on ESPN this past week called Dan Lebatard is Highly Questionable and for some reason the guest on the show was legendary Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak.  Pat ended up talking about how they used to drink during the tapings of Wheel of Fortune: "Vanna and I would go across and have two or three or six and then come and do the last shows and have trouble recognizing the alphabet. They're really good tapes to get a hold of. I had a great time. I have no idea if the shows were any good, but no one said anything, so I guess I did OK. I would be hesitant to have anything to drink now."  If only he talked about how after the tapings and drinking they went backstage and ripped off their clothes and in a mad passion they rolled all over the studio and ended making love on the wheel as it was spun by a jilted contestant.
  
  Hey, guess what, Paris Hilton hasn't changed one bit.  You'd think she's learned her lesson because of all the problems she's had with taking naked photos of herself but she hasn't.  She was at a party last weekend and she went into a panic because she lost her cellphone and she told people that there were photos of a personal nature on the phone.  Well one phone was found and it had photos of girls in very pornographic poses however it wasn't Paris' phone.  Paris had hers returned, with a completely dead battery, 24 hours later.  Do we have to do this again?  She got one by us with her Greenlight Special Show but trying it again is sad.  You're like 50 now.  Keeping naked photos of yourself and friends on your cellphone that you "lost" is pretty creepy.  It reeks of desperation which is exactly what all Hilton Hotels smell like.  Let's face facts, Paris, no one wants to see your STD dispenser so please move to Afghanistan.
  
  
  
  Billy Ray Cyrus has never been prouder of his daughter Miley than he was this week when she was photographed simulating oral sex on a giant penis cake for her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth's birthday.  So, why would Liam get a giant penis cake?  Also why does it look like the penis has herpes on the head?  Either nothing makes Liam's mouth salivate like a giant herpes ridden penis or he just got the cake to keep Miley occupied for the evening so she didn't do anything really stupid.  This sort of makes me like Miley a little more.  She doesn't neglect certain areas.  Yes, she is a typical teenage girl who gets a penis cake for her boyfriend, tongues the balls of penis cake in public and then gets drunk at the party held in a bar because we all know that 19 is the legal drinking age.  I guess California leads the world in cutting edge class and culture.
  
  Hey look, it's Captain America...I mean Marky Mark Wahlberg.  He was spotted leaving a gym in New Orleans this week.  HIS SHOES ARE UNTIED!  He needs to tie them immediately because Al Qaeda likes to strike at moments of weakness.  We need him at full strength to save America...yeah, I'm still cheesed off about his comments about 9/11...the dickwad.
  
  Remember when Kevin Federline was on Celebrity Boot Camp and actually lost weight but only ended up gaining it back times two?  Because that worked so well for him, he's now on a celebrity weight loss show in Australia called Excess Baggage.  During a warm up with an Australian football team, Federline started complaining about having chest pains.  An on site medic checked his pulse and called paramedics immediately.  A spokesperson from the hospital said he didn't have a heart attack but he had a mild cardiac arrest.  Is there a difference?  Anyway, it looks like Britney Spears is going to have to keep writing him alimony checks.
  
  Here's Justin Bieber walking through an airport.  I'm thinking he's trying to audition for a new Ernest movie.  It also looks like he's really missing Selena.
  
  The last few months, Jude Law has constantly been wearing a hat.  Even in his most recent movies he is always seemingly wearing hats.  I thought that maybe he likes hats.  It turns out that Jude is a human male and is balding.  Good, now chicks won't like him.  MORE FOR ME!  Now just let me put on my hat.
  
  Joe Paterno died this week at the age of 85.  His last interview before he went into the hospital never to return was really telling and he told his side of the situation and I think I've changed my mind about him.  He went to people who were in authority and they mishandled it.  I know people say he should've went to the police directly but how often does that happen?  How would you have handled that?  Granted he may have had an inkling but I doubt any time in his professional career he had ever encountered anything like this.  I have to admit that during my time as a mandatory reporter I probably would've went to another teacher or someone in authority over me to find out how I should proceed.  Also why is the guy who SAW it getting off the hook?  Shouldn't he have gone to police first instead of Paterno?  I think Paterno was made to be God and when God failed to do what everyone THOUGHT he should do in this instance he was fired for not being God.
  
  The greatest WWF intercontinental champion of all time and Elvis impersonator, The Honky Tonk Man, turned 59 this week.  I have to be honest, I loved and to some extent still enjoy professional wrestling.  I loved how absurd it was back in the 80s.  This guy was a champion.  His whole schtick was that he came out to the ring looking like Elvis and doing an Elvis style ring show AND THE PEOPLE HATED HIM!  I loved him.  I always cheered wildly when he went for his patented finishing move, the Shake, Rattle, and Roll...oh nostalgia.
  
  Hilary Duff is still pregnant.  I sort of get impatient with celebrity pregnancies but it seems like she's been pregnant for ages.  I think she's been pregnant longer than the run of Lizzie McGuire.
  
  That's it, everyone, Halloween is canceled.  Seal and Heidi Klum are divorcing.  Or are they?  TMZ reported that Heidi was filing for divorce after 6 years of marriage and wanted to see otter people.  It wasn't funny in my Motivation post so I'll try it again here.  How can a couple who renew their vows every year not make it?  People Magazine has said that TMZ is being dramatic and that Seal and Heidi have just hit a rough patch in their marriage and they are going to work on it.  I think the best way to fix a marriage when it hits a rough patch is to spend all your time together.  Well Seal said the marriage was basically over in a message he sent to People Magazine: "While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy."  TMZ has reported that the reason Heidi is splitting up with Seal is because of his violent temper.  Heidi has been fearful of his violent mood swings and temper and has worried for her and her children's safety.  I'm pretty sure the root of all of the problems within their relationship is the conundrum that there's little incentive to banging Heidi Klum in dark, but also little possibility of Seal getting laid with the lights on. I'm also pretty sure doggy style can save this marriage.  And now I'm off to go listen to that awful song Kiss from a Rose.
  
  Earlier this week, Demi Moore allegedly had a convulsion, was rushed to the hospital for a possible overdose, and admitted to a rehab facility.  It turns out that Demi went into a convulsion after doing too many whip-its.  What the hell is a 49 year old doing whip-its?  I thought those were limited to 15 year olds with part time jobs at McDonald's or people who can't afford coke.  God, I bet she was doing them while listening to Limp Bizkit.  You know if she started doing coke, Whitney Houston could move in because I'm sure Whitney would like someone else to pick up the tab.  People close to Demi are saying that she's not coping well with her split from Ashton Kutcher and has turned to Red Bull, Adderall, and whip-its.  They say she is drinking Red Bull like it is going out of style and that all her food consumption has been replaced by Red Bull.  That stuff is horrible.  One can has my heart pounding like it's going to explode.  I can't imagine drinking that much.  I think I'd have more respect for her if she was downing Four Loko or Purple Drank.  So now Demi is in rehab and they are saying it's for exhaustion, what every celebrity suffers from when they go to rehab.  This is sad.  Yes, Ashton Kutcher cheated on you so you deal with it and you don't overdose on whip-its.  Get those Chinese stress balls that you roll in your hand but don't do whip-its. 
  
  Ernest Borgnine turned 95 this week.  I know I've shared this here before but here is Ernest's secret to old age.  If that's true I'm going to live to be 250.  I think Ernie's best work was "Marty".  I thought it was a great movie and I saw a lot of myself in his character.  Anyway, I hope he got some lube for a birthday present.
  
  P Diddy's booze Ciroc must be really bad for people based on the looks of Cameron Diaz because we all know the ambassador of vodka's girlfriend has to drink it.  He may want to look into it because the side effects don't look that good.  I have to hurry before I look at the photo directly and turn to stone.  A Hollywood plastic surgeon told TMZ that after looking at this photo of Cameron Diaz he was certain she had facial work.  Duh.  If that surgeon didn't intend on making her look like a Batman villain then she deserves a refund.  People are also saying that Diddy is only using her for sex.  Really?  Are you sure he's not just using her for companionship?  People told TMZ that she thinks they are dating while Diddy thinks they are just friends with benefits.  I really hate that term and after seeing Big Bang Theory I have to wonder if she does receive health insurance as a benefit.  Have you noticed that she's running through guys with weird names.  A while back it was ARod and now it's Diddy.  I bet her next step is to hit the comic-con.
  
  Back in 2008, Britney Spears had a famous nervous breakdown where she shaved her head and attacked a car with an umbrella and then she held her kids hostage.  Later, in a surprise move, her father Jamie Spears and a judge declared that Britney was out of her fucking mind and Jamie was awarded a conservatorship where he received full control of her life and finances.  Now that Britney is engaged and hasn't tried to kill her kids, her father is set to release Britney back into the wild and let her become an adult.  This will be a wedding present to Britney and her future husband Jason Trawick.  So after spending the past three years pumping her full of enough medication to keep her jiggling across the globe so everyone stays rich, there comes a time in every father’s life when he has to let his little girl go for the second time.  Third, if you count that Vegas business. And then trust the man she’s going to marry to continue pumping her full of those pills in between all the sex she lacks the wherewithal to say no to.   I honestly never thought this day would come because I thought she'd be dead by now.  I thought she'd go by drowning, forgetting how to ride a bike, not remembering to breathe, doing math problems...you know the standard Britney Spears stuff.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 2:12 PM
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