I liked the title I had for this post but it just didn't feel right and I think it drove away readers.  Maybe I should have a contest to name it.

A kid in geography class pointed at the continent of Africa and asked, “Which one is Urethra?”  I have no hope for the future.

A recent study found that 99% of guys wouldn’t catch a foul ball flying at their girlfriend let alone a grenade.

This past Wednesday it was hard to distinguish which people were adherents of Ash Wednesday and which people just got back from a bottlerocket fight.

Andre 3000 of Outkast said that Outkast will never release another album.  Newt Gingrich was quick to blame President Obama for his decision to put sanctions on Stankonia.  Speaking of Newt Gingrich, his true identity was revealed today.  He was once a Chucky doll that went horribly wrong.

I went to Burger King today and had to use the bathroom.  The lead singer from Digital Underground was in the bathroom but he was too busy to give me an autograph.

Iran should do less uranium enrichment and more personal enrichment so they can write apology letters to hikers accused of being infidels.

I think I’m officially old. Every time I tell a story it winds up long some long rambley show on History Channel.

Why do stupid people breed? You’d think they’d know better.

Currently my ideal situation is that I slip into a coma and they make a reality show about me being in a coma and when I wake up I’m filthy rich from my reality show money.

I think the reason I feel so alone is because I’m the only person I know that doesn’t put anything on their cereal.  Even the lactose intolerant guy I know puts juice on his cereal.  Me, I just go at it raw.

Thank god we know that Kid Rock endorses Mitt Romney.  Now if we could just get Color Me Badd to weigh on who they endorse then I know who I will vote for.

If you ever watch Showgirls on BluRay you’ll be surprised how clear it is.  You can actually seethe exact moment Elizabeth Berkley’s career died.

I wonder if I should take up smoking to develop new friendships because whenever you see smokers standing outside they are always huddled in a pack.

I’m trying to grab your attention and by attention I mean boobs.

Do you think in 50 years children will ask this about their baby photos: “Why are my baby photos posted on something called Facebook?  Why are my photos taken with Instagram?  You do realize Tumblr is spelled incorrectly?”

Would any of you block me or hate me if I said I really loved Coldplay?

If I was a porn star and someone approached me and said they were a big fan, I would not shake their hand.

The Daytona 500 was postponed on Sunday because of rain.  You have to look on the bright side.  I’m sure that was the first bath a lot of the fans had this year.

I think internet has destroyed all empathy and sensitivity I’ve ever had and I no longer feel sad when I hear of deaths because so many have been faked.

Have you ever wondered if these primaries that Rick Santorum is winning are open primaries and not straight ticket where you have to register with a party to vote?  In Wisconsin you can go into a primary and vote for whoever you want and you don’t have to vote on basis of your party.  Hmmm I wonder who I should vote for.

Did you know that the “F” in “JFK” actually stands for“fucking”?  I think I'm going to make sure all my children have that name for a middle name.

It’s really annoying when you’re chatting with someone on facebook and they don’t respond for like 10 minutes and the window doesn’t say they’re typing so you know they’re not writing you a message of biblical proportions or anything. You basically debate in your head whether they’re getting food, ferociously masturbating, taking a crap, or ignoring you. Most likely the second or third one though.

I have a feeling that in 20 years you’re going to need a bachelor’s degree just to beg on the street.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

If Heaven really is like Seven Minutes in Heaven, it’s going to be filled with a lot of sighing girls telling me not to touch them.

I believe in separate but equal when it comes to boobs.

The Mormon Church wanted to baptize victims of the Holocaust including Anne Frank.  Some say that is a huge violation of privacy sort of like reading someone’s diary without their permission.

I once convinced a guy to tattoo his social security number on his back when he was drunk.  He did and now he can’t go to the beach without having his identity stolen.

When I get drunk I act like I’m British…I drive on the left side of the road.

I have always been confused by The Green Lantern.  His ring supposedly projects anything he’s thinking.  Am I really supposed to believe he’s never projected genitals at his enemies?

They have auto-correct for spelling errors so why note motions and mistakes so I don’t have to relive the times I’ve unknowingly turned down sex.

Everyone make sure you keep March 2^nd open so you can come see me sit at home and make dick and fart jokes and complain about Xanga.

I think I was the only Jew not at the Oscars.  Did you notice that during the Iranian guy’s speech about how outside cultures need to back off Iran the camera focused on Steven Spielberg?  He is our most important Jew.

I watched the Oscars and I can’t be the only person who wants to eat a bowl of chili off Stacy Kiebler’s ass.

My dick looks more Jewish than my bank account.

If you come to Wisconsin and run your mouth about how awesome it is where you live, we’ll beat you senseless because of roid rage, then we’ll eat you, and then turn your skin and bones into furniture.

If the terrorists really wanted to make America die they should’ve blown up McDonald’s headquarters or tried to remove the Ten Commandments from a courthouse wall.

My generation was influenced by an Italian plumber who abused shrooms.  This generation is influenced by a gay sponge who lives in a pineapple in the sea.  How fucked are we?

If you think New Jersey is bad, you should’ve seen Old Jersey.

I think it may be a good day to wear my Pink Floyd “Wish You Were Here” Speedo to the bar.

Meaningless relationships mean a lot to me.

The dictionary defines a blog as “a shared on-line journal where people can post diary entries about their personal experiences and hobbies”.  I tried that and I lost followers.  OK go look at the boobs again.

If you heard something through the Xanga grapevine then you probably need a shot of penicillin.

People say I am famous on Xanga.  Does this mean I can go to car dealership openings and cut the ribbon and wear a sash that says “Xanga Famous”?  I may be Xanga famous but remember, folks, I drink two beers at a time just like the rest of you.

I think Adam Sandler’s movie career is sort of like my Xanga.  It got progressively less funny over time until the time it was absolutely pathetic.

I sort of like to say I’m on pretty good terms with everyone here.  I try not to accuse you of trolling because I disagree with your opinion or rate your site EX simply because I have no other logical argument.

Now taking bets as to what the next bit of Xanga drama will be.

I’ve thought about starting a new Xanga account and when I do I plan on sending out a mass request saying that I’m TheologiansCafe and that I wanted to start a new personal blog. 

When I get few comments on a post I just tell myself that my humor is too sophisticated and then I laugh like a demented hobo for a good minute or two and then I resume my regular Xanga activities.

Class, I enjoyed reading your last assignment.  It's nice to know that you people are so kind and are concerned about me.  It's really touching especially after the week I've had.  I'm not going to grade you for caring because that's just something I want to keep locked up for later pondering.   Thank you.

Now here's your new assignment:

A. 

B.

Answer one or the other but answer them clearly.  Get to work.

My answers:
A.  "Creep" by Radiohead, "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum, "Daughter" by Pearl Jam, "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak, "Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J, "Jump" by Kriss Kross, "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice, "Bump N Grind" by R Kelly, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana, "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" by Spin Doctors, "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred

B.  Yes, I won't need them when I'm dead.

her heart crumpled in
my hand, the same way a used
condom wrapper might

Softly speak with love
Answer me back with your eyes
I give you my heart

I need your embrace
Let’s commit some naughty sin
Let me taste your love

Your lips, they tease me
Trailing down my whole body
The two become one

Like pomegranates
Your breasts are luscious and ripe
Belong in my hands

Woke this morning,
Ravenous for your body:
Went away starving.

 I scratched my big balls
Then I scratched my ugly face
Scent remained all day

Haikus are easy
Five then seven and then five
It all adds up, sir

Happy birthday me
No longer a teen, how old?
Twenty forever

Is that a tattoo?
Come on, it can’t be that bad?
Here’s your pants, get out!

 Have another beer
and pretend it all worked out
just as we wanted

Only in Wisconsin part 1...he's such a Koch sucker

And 9 months later the house gave birth to a littler trailer and they named him Cletus

Only in Wisconsin part 2...I'm very afraid to set foot in that bar.

At first I was like...hey lady and then I saw her wall.  She firmly believes that beauty isn't skin deep.

Only in Wisconsin part 3...Captain Dix...you should see the shuttle bus they drive around town trying to pick people up.

If Hitler was on RuPaul's Drag Race

Only in Wisconsin part 4...yeah that's pretty accurate.  It was about 40 today and I was only wearing a hoodie.  The wind was killer.

Only on FOX News would they take a kids movie and put a negative meaning behind it...damn liberal media.

Only in Wisconsin part 5...Camp Randall...yeah it's because it's only here

Damn straight

That boy ain't right.

I love my state.

Hopefully there's no drama in this #Caturday post.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.  Please don't rate it EX because you don't like cats.   And while we're at it, could someone define "trolling".  It seems that I have no clue what it is.  I would think that a person with multiple accounts who uses all those accounts to rate other sites EX because they've taken it upon themselves to be the morality police of Xanga would be trolling.

I don't know the full story behind this one but the guy in the corner is the cat's owner and he was reunited with his cat via Skype and that was the cat's reaction the first time it heard the owner's voice.

Have a great weekend

Well I'm back by popular demand because I wanted to write these again.  I went out to a Chinese buffet this evening.  I guess my parents sort of felt sorry for me and all so it was like a birthday meal.  Anyway my fortune was funny..."People will travel for miles to hear you speak".  Xanga meet-up?  Anyway it's time for the round up.

Abe Vigoda is still alive and he turned 91 this week.  I miss his inspirational quotes on Facebook which always were about him still being alive.  I haven't see them for some time which made me worry that he was dead but lo and behold there was one posted this week.  Abe is alive and kicking.  He'll probably out live me.

Vanna White turned 55 this week.   And our puzzle is "Describe Vanna White"_ _ _   _ _ _ _ _   _ _   _ _ _

A billboard advertising Tyler Perry's newest movie, Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry in a film directed by Tyler Perry and produced by Tyler Perry from the creators of Tyler Perry's House of Payne and Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns comes Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry Tyler Perry in Good Deeds featuring Madea.  I wonder if Spike Lee has an alibi since we all know of the love Spike has for Tyler Perry.  Please, Lord, make Tyler Perry stop.

That is Elisabetta Canalis and Jackass performer Steve-O.  Apparently they are in love.  Elisabetta used to date George Clooney so she went from Clooney to O.  They were celebrating in Rome this week.  Elisabetta took Steve-O to a sushi restaurant where she once took Clooney.  Elisabetta dined on yellowtail sashimi and spicy tuna rolls.  Steve-O licked peanut butter off a stray dog's butt and had the waiter slap him in the face with a raw salmon and then he stapled cocktail napkins to his chest.  True love people, true love.

I have seen this photo circulating the internet for a while now and I always assumed it was photoshopped but after reading an article on Radar this week I have to believe this photo of Stephen Hawking is real.  Stephen Hawking is 70 years old and is regarded as one of the smartest human beings and he hangs out at a swingers club in California called Freedom Acres.  A source from the club had this to say: "I have seen Steven Hawking at the club more than a handful of times. He arrives with an entourage of nurses and assistants. Last time I saw him he was in the back 'play area' laying on a bed fully clothed with two naked women gyrating all over him. I have spoken to him on several occasions and have even shared drinks with people in his group. And he'll even take photos with people in the club as long as it's in a neutral area."  Stephen Hawking was a beacon of inspiration for some people but now after reading this I have to say he's a constellation, he works with outer space right?, of inspiration to the masses.  Get your, Big Bang on, Stephen!

It looks like Selena Gomez has dumped Justin Bieber for a younger man. 

This is Sacha Baron Cohen in his new get-up Admiral General Aladeen for the movie The Dictator which is somewhat based off a novel written by Saddam Hussein.  Well Sasha wanted to attend the Academy Awards this weekend but the officials with the show said he's welcome but he can't dress as this character: "We would love to have Sacha Baron Cohen at the Oscar show. We have expressed [to Cohen] that we don’t like our red carpet to be used as a promotional stunt. We’re waiting to hear from him. We’ve put the ball in his court.”  Yes, the red carpet of the Academy Awards is holy ground where no one promotes anything whatsoever.  Apparently they never heard, "I'm wearing Chanel, my earrings are Cartier, my bag is Judith Leiber, this tampon is designed by Armani and this platinum stick up my ass is Louis Vuitton."  You know they should let him dress up because it would actually give the show something worth watching because honestly this year's awards seem so boring.  Well Admiral General was on the Today Show to talk about it.  You can watch it here.

This is the feel good story of the week.  I am so inspired by this touching story about the conquering nature of the human spirit.  Paris Hilton had a birthday last weekend and she spent it in Las Vegas and she won $30,000 playing blackjack.  Wow, $30K...I thought that was chump change for her or about as worthless as a room at a Hilton Garden Inn.  The weird part is she turned 31.  I thought she was in her 40s.  Considering Raquel Welch is in her 70s and looks better than her, I'm sure Paris will take that $30K and invest it in plastic surgery.  I hear doctors in Costa Rica have perfected anti-wrinkle injections that use cobra venom.  Paris should really fly down there and find out first hand how wonderful the injections are.

Miley Cyrus got another tattoo.  This time it is on her bicep and it says, "Love Never Dies".  Miley, that's bullshit.  Love dies.  Apparently she didn't ask her parents who went through a divorce right around the time she turned into this big time teen rebel.  It's sort of unsettling how needy and love crazy she's become.  She's been on Twitter and seems to tweet something about needing to be loved every day.  She is so needy and has some serious voids that need to be filled.  I can't even do a "Well I'll fill them" joke because she has daddy issues and I don't want to get a mullet.

Mark your calendars for March 3rd because Lindsay Lohan will be hosting Saturday Night Live.  This will in no way help Lindsay make any sort of comeback and, at best, she'll get through the show without trying to snort her actual lines on the cue card.  After that appearance she will begin production on the Lifetime movie biopic about Elizabeth Taylor titled "Liz and Dick".  Yep, Lindsay is going to play Liz.  Lindsay looks nothing like Elizabeth Taylor and she can't even get work playing a dead prostitute on Law and Order: SVU.  She was apparently up against Megan Fox for the role.  If you're wondering why she got it, know that she'll probably work for the cheapest, and that considering the title, she probably knows the source material better than she thinks.  Apparently she has the role under one caveat, she has to stay on the right side of the law.  What sort of deal is that if you can't allow Lindsay to use her greatest promotional tool?  That's like telling Ashton Kutcher he'll be the next James Bond as long as he doesn't act like a douchebag for ten minutes.  Or that's like telling me to stop banging supermodels.  It won't happen.  Chances are this movie is going to blow and that's how they should promote it.  Let Hurricane Cocaine do it's trick.  At best Lifetime will crush Hallmark Channel in the ratings and why do I laugh out loud every time I read this sentence.  At worst, Lifetime will own the  rights to broadcast the funeral and can make it even tackier than Whitney Houston's funeral.

Katy Perry was a guest star on a show called Raising Hope this week.  She plays a prison guard who is reunited with a childhood friend.  Well I hope that guest role helps her music career get off the ground.  You know if she didn't have the singing or the fake boobs, I'm pretty sure this is what Katy Perry would look like.

Even though most of JWoww was made in a Chinese plastic factory, she's proud to be American and since Monday was President's Day, JWoww made a list on her blog of PILFs...Presidents I'd Like to Fuck.  Here's the lucky presidents who made the list and her comments: "Ulysses S. Grant I heard he was an alchoholic. Sounds like he liked to party! He kinda looks like that actor Kevin Kline, right? LOL."  "Abraham Lincoln Who knew the dude on the $5 bill wasn't always so hairy. I bet the ladies loved him back in the day"  "Bill Clinton He might be old and gray but he was famous for not being able to keep it in his pants and a guy with a healthy sexual appetite is always sexy in my book."  "George Washington Who knew that the guy on the coin you use to get your laundry done was a bit of a looker. He can join me for some GTL anytime he wants!"  "George W. Bush We all know this guy liked to party Jersey style and that makes him A-OK in my book."  "Ronald Reagan Movie star turned P.I.L.F!"  "Barack Obama Yes we can!"  "John F. Kennedy Too much of a ladies man in his day, but he liked a lady with curves and I am down with that."  She probably wouldn't have lost any respect if she was more accurate and said all of them.  ♫And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free.  And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.  And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today. Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA.♫
I once heard that there are two reasons why it's good to be 9 months pregnant.  One is that you can eat anything you want and people won't be judgmental.  You can eat a grilled cheese topped with ice cream, butterscotch, dill pickles, and ranch dressing and people won't think twice.  The other reason is that you get special treatment wherever you go.  People will give up their seat, open doors, let you cut in line, and some parking lots even have special parking for expecting mothers.  Well Jessica Simpson went to a Mexican restaurant expecting this kind of treatment but she didn't receive it.  There was a long line to get into the restaurant and Jessica Simpson didn't think she had to wait because she's Jessica Simpson and she's pregnant and people would feel guilty listening to her ankles pop while she stood in line.  She then tried to cut in line and a source had this to say: "Apparently Jessica was too hungry to wait on the line like everyone else, so she tried to walk straight to the front in the hope that someone would take pity on her pregnant self. Unfortunately for Jess, the line went crazy and other hungry people started yelling at her. It was so embarrassing. Eventually, Jess was escorted to the back of the line. But she didn't want to wait. After all that, she just went to grab some Taco Bell around the corner."  Those people were smart because if they had been around her in a restaurant featuring Mexican food, they'd be exposed to her farts and Jessica's farts have been known to melt contact lenses.  Besides that, I've found that Taco Bell is more authentic than most of those fancy upscale Mexican restaurants.

Well, it's official, Jeremy Lin is no longer cool and Linsanity is officially over.  On February 4th when he scored 25 points and had 7 assists Knicks fans declared him the savior of the organization.  He's been an unlikely hero and star.  Well last night Lin went up against the Miami Heat, probably the front runners to win the NBA championship this year, and Lin had 8 points and 8 turnovers.  People, 8 turnovers is not good.  No one expected a guy who has been cut by other organizations and who was living on his brother's couch and was basically a fourth string to do any good but there's a reason why.  NBA scouts don't spend time looking at guys like that, guys that are a team's last option and that's combined with this being a shortened season because of the lock-out.  The Knicks caught some teams off-guard.  Now it's 20 days later and teams have their scouting reports.  I loved the story but I think it's time ESPN goes back to milking the Tim Tebow story dry.

Daniel Von Bargen, left, played Mr. Krueger on Seinfeld.  This week he is fighting for his life after an apparent botched suicide attempt.  He called 911 and told the operator that he shot himself in the head and that he needed help.  The dispatcher asked if it was an accident and Von Bargen said, "I was supposed to go to the hospital and I didn't want to. They were supposed to amputate at least a few toes."  He is diabetic and had one leg amputated and was going to have a procedure scheduled for the other leg.  He is in critical condition in a Cincinnati hospital.  That is pretty sad.  I was actually just watching an episode that he was in just tonight.

Dakota Fanning turned 18 this week.  Well where was the fanfare?  Oh maybe it's because she has her head on straight and wasn't a typical Hollywood wildchild.

Ice T and Coco celebrated their 10th anniversary at a private ceremony at a hotel in L.A. this week.  That's true love, people.  But...holy shit...that dress.  Now when I get married I hope my wife decides that the best way to celebrate the vows we take to spend the rest of our lives together is to get a dress that doesn't cover her chest at all.  Also this week, Coco was on a TV show called The Doctors and she proved her ass was real.  You can check it out here.

Well it all started at the Grammy's...how many good stories start that way?  The answer is none.  Anyway, after he won a Grammy, many celebrities took to Twitter to rightfully bash Chris Brown because when you beat a woman and then stomp her head in the curb and then go into hissy fits because you are asked questions you don't like and you become a spoiled, petulant, piss-ant people tend to not forget that.  And since he has no awareness or perspective on himself, Brown took to Twitter to prove those anger management classes worked for him and wrote this beauty: "HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That's the ultimate F**K OFF!"  His mother was upset but she claimed that people were waiting for a reaction from her son just to judge him.  She's an enabling idiot who should know better because she herself is a victim of domestic abuse.  He should be reminded of this daily and if you are one of those tramps who wrote, "I'd let Chris Brown beat me because he's hot" your parents have failed you and all you have to look forward to in life is becoming a statistic.  And then of course this week Chris accosted a woman who tried to take his photo with an iPhone.  Yeah that can be construed as an invasion of privacy but they were in a public and open space and the girl wasn't anywhere near him.  Chris apparently came up to her, grabbed the iPhone, walked to his car, and drove off not returning the phone.  The district attorney in Miami is investigating and may press charges in the coming weeks.  Wait, there's more...people are saying that Chris has a new pick-up line for when he wants to score with other women who aren't his girlfriend.  Apparently they have an open relationship which I really don't understand but anyway his pick-up line is, "Can I get your number?  I promise I won't beat you."  What a romantic! If he really wants to win girls' hearts, I suggest flowers, chocolate and maybe, "Bitch, get in the back of the truck and spread them legs."  People close to Rihanna are worried that she's going to get back with him.  They have collaborated on two songs in the past few weeks, one called "Yikes" and the other is called "Birthday Cake".  Anyway people are trying to keep them apart but people close to Rihanna say you can't hold her love back.  I get it that battered women take time to leave their abusers but in most of those studies the women aren't financially independent and share children with the abuser and feel they have no place to go.  If you are rich and have a team of people who are trying to help you stay away from your abuser then you stay away from your abuser, an abuser who put you in the hospital and were virtually unrecognizable.  And if all this doesn't help you, well I'm sorry.  Also Chris Brown started a Twitter war with professional wrestler CM Punk.  Watch the video CM Punk made calling out Chris Brown. 

Sad news, everyone.  I don't know when this happened but Calista Flockhart is now a zombie.  Remember when she was in Ally McBeal and had so much promise?  Now all she wants to eat is brains.

This is Bobbi Kristina Brown, daughter of the late Whitney Houston.  Bobbi got high at her mom's funeral.  People say she disappeared for a while and then came stumbling back and others caught her doing drugs at the ceremony.  Also she went on a binge after the funeral and the burial on Sunday had to be delayed because they couldn't find her.  When they found her people claim she was stoned out of her head.  Last year Bobbi was photographed doing lines of coke and a few months before her mom died of the same thing she was hospitalized for mixing booze and pills.  Then since her mom died, Bobbi has been hospitalized twice for mixing sedatives and alcohol that someone close to her gave her to help her cope with her mother's death.  TWICE!  She is technically an adult and should be held accountable for her actions but she grew up in house where drug use was considered normal.  Maybe it's time people close to the situation get over themselves and admit that the family has drug problems.  If she doesn't get help soon we're going to be hearing headlines reading "like mother like daughter".

Adele was at some sort of British awards show and she won all the same awards she won at the Grammy's but these were won with a British accent.  Anyway, before she could complete her acceptance speech Adele was cut off so the band Blur could perform for 11 minutes.  Adele said she'd see everyone next year and then she did that delightful gesture.  She explained later that she was throwing that gesture at the executives of the award show and not her fans.  Here I was thinking Adele was some sort of sweet and demure little flower but now she's got that fire and intensity...well I'm feeling rather randy...I wrote that in a British accent.

This week Victoria Beckham was interviewed by a magazine and she complained about how hard it is to be a working mom.  "Look, if people want to say I'm miserable then so be it.  I'm really not. I have a lot on my plate. I'm not going to lie about it, I'm tired. I'm really tired but I'm also very happy with my life.  I'm not getting much sleep at all.  Harper's not sleeping that great, and I've been taking Skype business calls throughout the night, too, because of the collections. I'm up with the baby as all mums are, and I wouldn't have it any other way. There's not a team of people doing it for me."  You know when she says she has a lot on her plate, I can imagine she'd have more energy if there was actually food on that plate instead of the normal nothing since she loves starving herself to look fit.  It also must be difficult living off royalties to lip-synching songs for years with the complicated lyrics "zigazig ha".  It also must be rough being a woman and having sex with a guy like David Beckham because women the world over do not find him attractive whatsoever.  I'm sure the millions of other mothers who also don't have nannies, nor assistants, nor mansions, nor sex with David Beckham feel really, really sorry for Victoria Beckham and they just started that fire to show her their appreciation and not burn her on it.

Britney Spears is in contention to become a judge on the next season of The X Factor.  The show recently fired two judges, Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger, and the host Steve Jones.  Also being considered for judges are Fergie and Janet Jackson.  The producers of this show know they have to hire Britney because last year they used Paula Abdul and it got viewers accustomed to a little crazy.  It sort of prepared us for something bigger and crazier.  Janet Jackson may flash her nipples and Fergie pees her pants.  You have to go with Britney.  She carries the promise of a Fukushima sized meltdown.  I can just see the screaming when they take away her Pepsi bottle and replace it with a Coke cup.  It won't be because Britney endorses Pepsi but because she likes to use the bottles to spit her chewing tobacco juices in them.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen. 

Monday was Charles Barkley's birthday.  He turned 49.  It's hard to believe he's been out of basketball so long.  I loved watching this guy play back in the day.  He was such a thug but he was so powerful and he wasn't that tall compared to the other people who played the same position. 

Cindy Crawford turned 46 on Monday this week.  I've been seeing a lot of her lately on my local TV channels begging me to donate money to the Univeristy of Wisconsin's children's hospital.  Yeah, she could convince me to do that.  I had so many knuckle children with her.

Kurt Cobain would've been 45 on Monday.  I'm sharing all these people whose birthdays were on Monday because that was also my birthday.  Other people to be born on the 20th: Gloria Vanderbilt, Rihanna, Andrew Shue, French Stewart, Patty Hearst, Joel Hodgson, Ivana Trump, Sandy Duncan, Sidney Poitier, Robert Altman, Bobby Unser, Phil Esposito, Mitch McConnell, Antonio Inoki, and J. Geils.  Yeah, just thought you should know.

I need to start writing these before midnight.  Have a great weekend.  I hope you enjoyed.

I wasn't around today.  I needed a mental health day.  I drove out to my uncle's farm and walked out into a forest and just meditated.  I just needed to clear my mind.  It seems that I've had a lot of stuff go down in the past month and I didn't want it all boiling up to something massive.  After my mind was cleared I ate at Hardee's.  Gosh I love Hardee's.  It was like the first fastfood restaurant I went to.  For years it was the ONLY fastfood in these parts.  Every large town had one and by large town laugh when I consider that to be 2500 and over.  Realize that I live in a town with a population of 1400.  Then McDonald's came in and Hardee's couldn't compete so they just closed up.  Now I can only think of 3 Hardee's from the Mississippi River to Madison.  Anyway I loved my Frisco burger and curly fries.  I was sad to hear that this particular one didn't carry the famous Hardee's roast beef or hot ham and cheese.  Then I went and bought myself a video game.  I got home and played a hunting game on the PS3.  It drives my cats insane because the sounds of wildlife sound like they're right in your house.  There was a sound of a bird flying overhead and my cat Lua is running around the living room looking for it.  Shooting imaginary deer with imaginary guns is quite fun.  Then tonight, well tonight was relaxing.  But within the last couple of hours Xanga has turned childish once again and the Xanga Team once again allows this behavior and the people responsible for it brag that Xanga Team tells them to do it.  Childish...utterly childish, and if any freedom loving American agrees with that censorship, get the hell out of my country.  Time for links and tattoos.  Sorry to bother you with that.  I hope you don't rate my site EX.

1.  Well it's that time of year again.  It's time when NFL teams gather to rate college players' potential for the NFL draft.  One thing that has been used to determine how intelligent a player is is something called the Wonderlic test.  It's a 50 question test and it must be completed in 12 minutes.  Here is a sample test.  Don't worry, the answers are at the bottom. 

2.  I think one of the positions that the Wonderlic really applies to is the quarterback.  The quarterback has to make so many split second decisions.  Anyway, here's a list of some results from quarterbacks of the past few years.  Granted it's not the best way to tell if a quarterback will be any good because some of the low scores are by hall of fame quarterbacks and some of the quarterbacks at the top of the list I haven't heard much from.

3.  This weekend is The Academy Awards show AKA The Oscars.  Here's a list of some actors that are overdue for an Oscar.  I have to agree on all counts and I am still shocked that Sutherland hasn't won.

4.  I was alerted to this site in my ESPN Magazine.  It's called Middle School Elite.  It is a ranking site that ranks the best basketball players in middle school across the nation.  A guy started it because he thought his son was the next basketball Messiah.  I really am getting sick of this planet.

5.  Iggy Pop...the guy rocks but lately I've been thinking that Iggy needs to wear a shirt.  Don't believe me?  Well check out this 40 year timeline of shirtless Iggy Pop.

6.  Every since I first saw the beer Duff on The Simpsons, I've always wondered what it tastes like.  Well now I can find out with this German beer.  I don't think they'd ship it to me here...sigh.

7.  I know I just talked about fastfood and I got thinking about the ridiculous promotions that some places feature.  Here's a collection of some of those promotions.

8.  Have you ever seen a movie and there was a guy in it that made you say, "Oh that's the guy from..." Here's a collection of That Guys.  I read through that list and each number I was like...OH YEAH

9.  Here's a fun Tumblr I discover and I've thought I should do something similar on Xanga.  It's called Stockphoto Haiku.  People send this guy stockphotos and he writes a haiku inspired from the photo.  Such a great idea.

10.  I have become addicted to a show on the Science Network called Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List Edition.  I've become fascinated with the idea of a bucket list.  this site features many ideas for a bucket list.

11.  Have you ever had writer's block?  This site sort of helped me get over that.  It's called 750 Words and it's basically a writing site.  It's completely private but will help you get the brain jumpstarted for some writing.

12.  People often think that the trolling on Xanga is bad.  You should see what goes on over at Youtube.  Sometimes the comments over at youtube can be quite funny.  Here's a collection of funny youtube comments.

Now for tattoos:

That tattoo stinks.  Is it weird that I always wished Pepe did this in his cartoons?

"So we're going to keep your application on file.  Thanks for applying to work with the public.  We'll call if anything opens up."

Amurrika!

Bring back mixtapes first!

Rod and Todd Flanders...I bet they help him remember to pray.

I bet they drink Miller High Life because it's classy and the champagne of beers.

I doubt the wild things are in his bed.

OK, this one looks good and that lace is impressive.  It's a tattoo gun, in case you didn't know.

OK so maybe her name is Babby or Babbigail and she got that tattoo to help people remember her name and the fact that she's a girl.

Sweet Lord I hate the Yankees and now...I hate them even more.

Oh how sweet...but what happens when you break up?  Then it isn't infinite.

And congratulations, sir, you are this week's winner.  Your prize is this bundle of sticks.

I hope everyone has a good night and doesn't get your site rated EX simply because someone doesn't agree with you or likes what you have to say.  And my cat is playing with a tennis ball.  When did I get tennis balls?

It was my birthday on Monday.  I didn't advertise it here because, well, I don't know why.  Maybe I sort of wanted to see if anyone would remember.  I know it's a long year and a lot to ask for.  I guess I'm bad because I don't know all of your birthdays, maybe a handful.  It's hard for me to remember dates with all my concussions.   Maybe we should create a Xanga database of birthdays sort of like they have on Facebook.

I don't know why I'm all emo about my birthday I really didn't do much when I was born.

Porn stars wished me a happy birthday.

I posted this on Tumblr today and this is why I will never leave Xanga.  I posted this photo along with captions like: "I bet he’s had bigger in his mouth." "I think this isn’t sinful as long as they are married and trying to reproduce and I think they are trying to reproduce some small twist cones." "I guess deepthroating an ice cream cone is the best way to get the taste of foot out of your mouth." "And the surging continues…" "A photo is worth a thousand words and this one is a mouthful." "If we allow gay marriage the next thing you’ll see is men wanting to marry ice cream cones."  After 9 hours on Tumblr I have 0 comments or likes or whatever.  I guess going with what I said above about my birthday that means I'm an attention whore. 

And when I don't tip, I say, "You got the wrong Lebowski. I'm the Dude, man."

Trust me, Cubs fans are horrible tippers.  Oh and has anyone had any of the fine products from Lakefront?  If you haven't try their Snake Chaser or Fuel Cafe.

I think he's choking me...HELP!

Double entendre?  Well, do you ladies?

Can we take the damn photo...PLEASE!





OK we're done with that meme.

Just like daddy indeed

Can you solve this adorable pictograph?

It all makes so much sense now

I'm sure the Jewish NASCAR car will do fine this year just as long as they don't race on Saturdays.

Because I love all of you.

I think they should make little tampons that are specifically for nosebleeds.

I feel for today’s teenagers.  I think the hardest decision I made when I was a teen was deciding if I wanted to go to Taco Bell, McDonald’s, Burger King, or Fazolli’s.  I could’ve just gone to Rocky Roccoco’s but who wants to go there?

According to TV and movies, everyone in high school is in their 20s.  No wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans are stupid.

Because of Jeremy Lin’s growing popularity, a confused Mitt Romney has produced a series of attack ads against him.

I think most brands of dog food are better than what they serve in school cafeterias.

It was Rihanna’s birthday on Monday.  What kind of cake did she receive?  A pound cake, of course.

My target weight is 150lbs. It’s just hard to keep my wife tied up so I can practice shooting ather.  Yes, two domestic violence jokes.  And those will be the last two…this week.

Have you noticed that jokes about Chris Brown beating Rihanna have been going on longer than the length of their relationship?

A while back Lady Gaga talked about how she was planning on making a perfume that was going to be scented like blood and semen.  I don’t think she’s actually going through with it however I have the perfect name for the scent, CSI Crimescene.

If I had a nickel for each time I had sex, I’d probably have to ask my pimp for a raise.

I am so sick about hearing about Whitney.  I get it, he invented the cotton gin but why does the media insist on talking about him nonstop?

I forgot to shuffle yesterday.  Looks like my consecutive days shuffling streak has been broken and my life will never be the same.

Jaded blogger is no longer funny after being continuously rejected by friends and females…more at 10…the only way I’ll make the news.  I used to be an anti-social outcast and then I found the Internet and now I’m an anti-social outcast who is overweight.

Since people I once considered my friends don’t apparently give a fuck about me, I’m going to start hanging out with people who are more positive like my neighbor who has AIDs. 

Sometimes I wish I could control people like in The Sims.  It’s a good thing no one here has seen me play The Sims.

Basically what I’ve done my entire life is set people’s expectations for me so low that I’m at the point where I impress them if I put my shoes on the right foot and don’t shit myself.

Imagine the music that would be made if Adele and Taylor Swift dated and then broke up.

Why does food have to make you fat?  Why couldn’t it be something I’m not doing,like sex, that makes a person fat?  Why is the universe against me?

I wish I had a girlfriend because then I’d wear underwear that doesn’t have holes in it.  Oh well,who needs girls when you have booze?

Cooties are a real thing only now that we are older we call them STDs.

Someone should put me on a TV show.  I could play a great villain like The Joker or Kris Humphries.

I am pansexual and by that I mean I am so sexually frustrated that I’m going to smash my face with a frying pan until I get a girlfriend or a hooker.

I have an evil sister who is in the music industry.  You may have heard of her, her name is Rebecca Black.  And some of you people think I’m an asshole.  My sister is far worse.

Have you ever made a wish at 11:11PM and it never came true?  The reason it doesn’t come true is because I wish at 11:11AM that all the wishes made at 11:11PM don’t come true. 

For Lent I’ve considered giving up on life and when I die I’d like my ashes secretly slipped into random pepper shakers throughout the world.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

If I have sex dreams about co-workers can I ask for over time and sue for sexual harassment?

Some day I hope to have enough money to pay Gordon Lightfoot to read all my posts to the tune of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”.

I went to the body modification parlor to see how much it would cost to get my nipples pierced. They said they’d give me a discount because they’ve never seen as many nipples on a human before.

Paula Deen would respond to negative emails and comments about her diabetes with the term “LOL”.  She didn’t think they were funny but she thought “LOL” stood for Land O’ Lakes.

I hope Mark Hammill has talked to Daniel Radcliffe and Robert Pattinson about become too excited about their careers.

I’m fairly certain that if the Founding Fathers watched one minute of Jersey Shore the Constitution would be much different.

Why does no one seem to write songs about sensible women with high moral fibers any more?

I can’t believe guys still are concerned about whether or not a girl spits or swallows.  Isn’t it enough that she allows you to ejaculate in her mouth?

Adele’s voice is as powerful as my ability to repel women.

The worst part about make-up sex is washing all the clown make-up off afterwards.

I’m not a brave person. I will never be a Navy SEAL or use condoms bought at Dollar Tree.

If I’ve disappointed or offended any of you, I’m sorry and I’ll try to make it up to you.  If you think I’ve changed your life then you may want to consult a doctor about getting a stronger prescription.

Girls seem to freak out when I tell them I have VD.  In my world, VD stands for “voluptuous dong”.

Life is a highway and mine is riddled with potholes.

They say, “All good things must come to an end,” which is why I will never close this account.

The #1 tip for a long, happy, and successful relationship is to never get a Xanga account.

People, when you leave Xanga we don’t need an explanation.  We get it, Xanga ruins your life and screws with your mind.  Take iteasy and we’ll see you back here in two weeks.

I’ve been more upset when I’ve seen my Xanga crush flirting with other guys than when a former girlfriend cheated on me.  I need help. Stop it, whores!  I love her so much that I would pee and poop with the door open so nothing could ever separate us.

Being popular on Xanga is like sitting at the cool table in the mental institution.

You know what really wins an argument on Xanga, correcting another person’s grammar and spelling.

Isn’t it funny that people on Xanga get mad at you for posting your personal thoughts on a blog which is essentially an internet diary?

I read so many Xangans and come away thinking that they area cynical fourth grader who just learned how to swear and because they know how to use the words “fuck” and “shit” they think they are badass.

This post was Xanga funny but not “ha ha” funny.

Class, I enjoyed reading your answers for the last assignment.  Some of you sound like you want to cook some great meals so you'll have to give me your name and address so I can show up unexpectedly and you can feed me.  I also am amazed by some of the foods others have eaten.  I know I answered that question but I just remembered something, limburger cheese.  The smell was awful but once you got past the smell you had an excellent cheese especially if you put it on rye bread with some fresh onions.  Anyway your grade is an A.  You can strive for a higher grade.

Now, here's your assignment for this week:

A.  

B. 

Now, get to work.

My answers: A.  Well I can't really be my own Valentine although I ended up being my own Valentine.

B.  Currently I have my media player on shuffle and the first song that ended while I was typing this was this one:

And the next song that played was not found on Youtube.  I'm going to upload it to Xanga tomorrow if the Xanga audio wants to work for once.  It's called "Girl From the North Country" and it's performed by Father Hennepin.  This is the original by Bob Dylan

I have always had issues with sleep.  So many times when I was a child I'd go to bed in my bed and wake up in various places throughout the house.  Then I think once I hit high school that stuff stopped although my roommates said I talked in my sleep and they had conversations with me about various topics.  One roommate said I was better at algebra while sleeping than when I was awake.  I didn't notice it much when I first started teaching although at that time I was battling insomnia.  There were a few times that scared me and it usually involved my front door and garage door being left wide open and my car being moved.  Lately I'm getting fearful of what I'm doing when I am supposed to be asleep.  Most mornings I'm waking up dressed in clothing I didn't have on when I went to bed.  Like I'll go to bed wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt.  I'll wake up wearing jeans, t-shirt, and hoodie.  There was one time I woke up wearing dress pants, button down shirt, and tie.  I've also noticed that my Blazer gets moved.  There'll be times when it's parked on the street or in my backyard.  There have been a few times when I've went to leave in the morning and I've found the back end loaded with folding chairs from various churches in town.  Well last night was the latest chapter of this bizarre behavior.  I had bought some Febreze yesterday afternoon while grocery shopping.  I can't remember what time I eventually went to bed last night but it late.  I think I was out before my head hit the pillows.  Anyway the next thing I know my mouth is burning.  I wake up and I'm sitting in my living room in front of my coffee table and in my hand is the bottle of Febreze.  I had gulped down about half of the bottle and my mouth was on fire.  I washed out my mouth as good as I could but it seemed that the more water I drank the more my mouth burned.  I drank some milk and that seemed to help a little.  I tried to go back to sleep but it was difficult to sleep thinking about how I just harmed myself.  I'm actually fearful of what may come next.  I did finally get to sleep and when I woke up my breath smelled like linen straight out of a dryer.  I also received a phone call from my mom asking why I called at 7AM to tell her that Lord Palmerston was the greatest prime minister of England.  I haven't even seen that episode of The Simpsons lately.  Maybe I got some Paranormal Activity shit going on with me.  I now swallow my saliva and I still have a hint of Febreze.  Even though that was so poorly written I assure you I'm fully awake.


I wonder if he eats there for free.

I think that would solve a lot of things.

Yes, solve a lot of things.  No wonder people hate science.

And because everyone seems to be talking about abortion...again

Worst.  Game.  Ever!

Yeah, this seems like an exciting game.  I bet the the final achievement is called "Raging Boner".

And then my wife curled up into a fetal position when she realized that the Swedes at IKEA were punishing her with their easy to assemble furniture.

Not so easy now is it Adele?

I bet that guy is popular with the ladies.  I wonder how often he has to change his car battery.

I watched the Celebrity Apprentice this evening.  Is it weird that I knew most of the guys without having to see a name but I had no clue who a majority of the women were?

I should invest in a tombstone with all my sleep drinking shenanigans.  I don't think Febreze is good for you.  I won't tell you the side effects I've been having other than the fresh breath.  Why does the tombstone say that?  I have two cats.

Whitney Houston will be greatly missed.