Day: February 2, 2012

  • Terrible Tattoo Thursday 2/2

    Well here it is, another edition of Terrible Tattoos.

    May be NSFW

    In case you missed my last pulse, Ron Jeremey, the Hedgehog, woke up this morning, saw his penis, and scurried back to bed.  Apparently that means he has six more weeks of STDs.  I wonder if the hair in that tattoo is real or tattooed.

    Yeah, this is what the kids are doing these days.  You're so vain, you probably thought this tattoo was about you.

    Well she is a great photographer.  I wonder if that camera ever comes to use in the bedroom.

    Photography is nice and all but a tattoo?  I don't understand but that's because I'm a point and click type of cameraman.

    It says, "You're my now, you're my forever"  I know that's some Kanye West crap but it does feature Bon Iver and Bon Iver is from Wisconsin and that is how I view this state.

    WISCONSIN!  FUCK YEAH!  Anyone care to tell me how this is associated with Wisconsin?

    If those were placed on my wrist it would be ironic because I'd be infinitely jacking off.

    Well it's fitting because Detroit sucks.

    And that is why cows are causing great disturbances in the ozone because of the release of methane gas.  It's a good thing scientists at the UW are working on gene manipulation to cross a cow's genes with a kangaroo so that they will get rid of all the methane releasing.  They also have to figure out what to do with all the jumping cows.

    And boobs...don't forget the boobs. Those will probably get you further than courage and strength.

    "My daddy will kill you" I'm not even going to comment.

    I am tattoo Homer, I am tattoo Homer

    Yo, Hey what's happenin' dude
    I'm a guy with a rep for bein' rude
    Terrorizin' people wherever I go
    It's not intentional, just keepin' the flow
    Fixin' test scores to get the best scores
    Droppin' banana peels all over the floor
    I'm the kid that made delinquency an art
    Last name Simpson, first name Bart
    I'm here today to introduce the next phase
    The next step, in the big Bart craze
    I've got a dance real easy to do
    I learned it with no rythm and so can you
    So move your body if you got the notion
    Front to back in a rock-like motion
    Now thacha got it if you think you can
    Do it to the music - that's the Bartman
    Everybody if you can do the Bartman
    Shake your body turn it out if you're bad man
    Ah front to back to the side yes you can, can
    Everybody in the house do the Bartman
    Everybody if you can do the Bartman
    Shake your body turn it out if you're bad man
    Front to back to the side yes you can, can
    Everybody in the house do the Bartman
    It wasn't long ago, just a couple of weeks
    I got in trouble, yeah, pretty deep
    Homer was yellin' (Bart!) Mom was too
    Because I put mothballs in the beef stew
    Punishment time, in the air lurks gloom
    Sittin' by myself confined to my room
    When all else fails nothin' else left to do
    I turn on the music so I can feel the groove
    Move your body if you got the notion
    Front to back in a rock-like motion
    Move your hips from side to side now
    Doncha slip, let your feet glide now
    If you've got the groove you gotta use it
    Rock-rhythm in time with the music
    You just might start a chain reaction
    If you can do the Bart you're bad like
    Michael Jackson
    Everybody if you can do the Bartman
    Shake your body turn it out if you're bad man
    Front to back to the side yes you can, can
    Everybody in the house do the Bartman
    Everybody if you can do the Bartman
    Shake your body turn it out if you're bad man
    Front to back to the side yes you can, can
    Everybody in the house do the Bartman
    Do the Bartman
    Do the Bartman, Everybody back and forth,
    from side to side
    Do the Bartman
    Do the Bartman, Pick your feet up off the
    floor, let 'em glide
    Do the Bartman
    Do the Bartman, She can do it, you can do it,
    so can I
    Do the Bartman
    Do the Bartman, Now here's a dance beat
    that ya can't deny
    Oh my ears! Lisa put that saxophone away
    You can't touch this!
    I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it!
    You can't prove anything!
    Now I'm in the house, feelin' good to be home
    'till Lisa starts blowin' that damn saxophone
    And if it was mine you know they'd take it away
    But I'm feelin' good so that's okay
    I'm up in my room just'a singin' a song
    Listenin' to the kick drum kickin' along
    Yeah Lisa likes jazz she's her number one fan
    But I know I'm bad 'cause I do the Bartman
    Everybody if you can do the Bartman
    Shake your body turn it out if you're bad man
    Front to back to the side yes you can, can
    Everybody in the house do the Bartman
    Do the Bartman
    Do the Bartman, Everybody back and forth,
    from side to side
    Do the Bartman
    Do the Bartman, She can do it, you can do it,
    so can I
    Move your body if you got the notion
    Front to back in a rock-like motion
    Move your hips from side to side now
    Doncha slip, let your feet glide now
    If you've got the groove you gotta use it
    Rock-rhythm in time with the music
    You just might start a chain reaction
    Everybody if you can do the Bartman
    Shake your body turn it out if you're bad man
    Front to back to the side yes you can, can
    Everybody in the house do the Bartman
    Everybody if you can do the Bartman
    Shake your body turn it out if you're bad man
    Front to back to the side yes you can, can
    Everybody in the house do the Bartman
    Everybody if you can do the Bartman
    Shake your body turn it out if you're bad man
    Front to back to the side yes you can, can
    Everybody in the house do the Bartman
    Everybody if you can do the Bartman
    Shake your body turn it out if you're bad man
    Front to back to the side yes you can, can
    Everybody in the house do the Bartman
    Oh wow, man!

    How can I not like Milhouse?  He's heir to a cracker fortune.

    I actually think this one would look better if it was all colored.

    That poor turtle is going to meet his demise.  I wonder if that guy has to blow on his arm to make it work.

    And that is why I don't have guinea pigs or hamsters or whatever the hell that little finger biter is.

    Dragon sexing up a lady...hmmm maybe I'll get into that fantasy genre.

    Grasshoppers having sex?  I think I've pretty much seen it all.

    Good old Fido...he was such a "special" dog.

    I have no hope for future generations

    Enjoy...DO IT!

  • Questions with the Godfather and his Cock 2/1

    Well it has been a long time since I've done one of these posts.  For those of you who are new here, I answer your questions alongside my cock, my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.
    GOGB: Cocky, we haven't been on Xanga together for some time.  How was your time off?
    Cocky: You should be asking how was my time getting off.
    GOGB: Umm...no.
    Cocky:  Oh it was so exciting.  I finally tricked out my car.
    GOGB: Did you do anything else?
    Cocky: I played some hockey.
    GOGB: Well that sounds pretty exciting.  How did you do?
    Cocky: Well I got it in the crease quite a few times.
    GOGB: How did I know that's where that was headed?
    Cocky: Well you know me, I get my stick headed downtown all the time.

    Cocky: LIES!  LIES!  That particular pussy was just into playing rough.
    GOGB     : Yeah, that's what they all say.  Cocky, I have grown tired of stroking your ego.
    Cocky     : Huh...my ego wasn't what you were stroking last night while you were on the internet crying.
    GOGB     : Well that's depressing.
    Cocky     : Christ, the only thing that got depressed at your house was the computer chair being depressed from your ass cheeks.
    GOGB     : Anyway...We started writing these two years ago and I see so many people make the "cock" joke.
    Cocky     :  OH and I suppose you're going to take credit for it?  Sort of like the person on Xanga who took credit for inventing the interview?
    GOGB     : No, but I've grown tired of not getting on the front page.
    Cocky:     Oh God, Xanga envy.
    GOGB     : No it's just that you see posts that get there where the person put absolutely no effort into the post but for some reason it makes it to the top.
    Cocky     : Maybe you need to quit being a little bitch, grow a pair of balls, and kiss some ass by making friends.
    GOGB     : But that would sell out my ideals.
    Cocky     : This coming from a guy who masturbates to music videos on MTV Jams.
    GOGB     : Anyway...Cocky, are you ready?
    Cocky     : Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
    GOGB     : Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

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    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    If you had a time machine and could travel to any date,where and when would you go?
                                             Historical in Hortonville

    GOGB: Finally a great question from formspring.  Being a student of history there are so many options.  I'd love to see the signing of the Declaration of Independence, hear Lincoln give the Gettysburg Address, see the actual battle of Gettysburg, watch the Wright brothers' first flight, watch Martin Luther at the Diet of Worms, catch a play directed by Shakespeare...there's just so many options.
    Cocky: If I had a time machine, I would go back before this douche opened formspring and I would delete this question, what a pretentious bitch!

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    My girlfriend and I recently started having sex and the first time we did it we weren't safe and I got carried away.  Well now she's pregnant.  I'm too young to have a child and so is she.  It would ruin our lives as we know it.  How can I convince her to have an abortion?
                                            Pregnant in Prairie du Sac

    GOGB:  Wow, where do you begin?  First I'd never say abortion should be your first choice but I think you should get your parents and her parents to sit down and discuss what is going on and explore all options available to you. 

    Cocky:  Show her a photo of Miley Cyrus and say this is what could become of our child.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I have been really busy as of late and too tired to take care of business.  I’ve been working 18hour shifts and my girlfriend doesn’t seem to understand I’m tired and can’t always perform in the bedroom.  She gets disgusted at me if I turn her down for sex. Isn’t that a double standard?
                                            Tired in Trippville

    GOGB: Of course it is.  But you have to understand why she’s upset. She holds these truths to be self-evident: men think about sex every 7seconds, men want to stick their dick in anything with a pulse and will lie,manipulate, and grovel to do so.  Your girlfriend probably is smart enough to know these aren’t necessarily true however on an emotional level she feel humiliated. How can she, the goddess of love, be turned down for a sure thing?  Her rejection tantrums are bratty and coercive but chances are she’ll relax if you show some tenderness.  Hold her, massage her, and tell her she’s sexy but that you’re tired and they you’ll make it up at a later time.
    Cocky    : Give me her number and I’ll take her up Magic Mountain and she’ll forget you and her name because once she goes with me she’ll be a drooling mongoloid.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    It’s never too early for Halloween.  What costume will impress girls the most?
                                             Costume Hunter in Coon Valley

    GOGB: Be rest assured it won’t be a rented cape and wax fangs.  Come up with something weird,clever, or surprising like a marvelously dorky superhero, (like The Tick or The Greatest American Hero) an outdated pop culture icon (think Magnum P.I., Ponch,or John Boy Walton), or a lovable character from a recent chick flick (Paulie Bleeker from Juno with his yellow track shorts and matching wristbands and headband).  It’s not about looking good,it’s about being funny, unexpected, and impossible to ignore.  Note, I’m not into scary because I think a guy who likes to dress up like a serial killer may just be a serial killer.
    Cocky    : Dress up as me because the chicks just flock to me.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    My girlfriend has a hot body but she can’t loosen up enough to have sex with the lights on.  What can I do to loosen her up?
                                             Lights Out in Little Suamico

    GOGB: Doing it in the dark allows a woman to forget about her body hang-ups and just have fun.  You could HELP her, and by “help” I don’t mean FORCE her, to loosen up by reassuring her that you’re attracted to every part of her body, exactly the way it is.  Tell her thighs are gorgeous and her butt is proof that God exists because only a higher being could design something that beautiful.  Then slowly brighten things.  Start with one candle and then two and so on and tell her how it turns you on to see her during sex.  It may sound silly, but the expected result of watching her grind away on you in broad daylight, is well worth it.
    Cocky: The only thing to loosen her up instead of Pavlovian mind tricks are vodka and Jaegermeister.  If you try those she may even off you her black cherry.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    During intercourse, does slow and steady or fast and hard with the big O race?
                                             Racer in Racine

    GOGB: Sigh, these are the questions I answer and I don’t get to run that race.  As a general rule, slow and steady.  But sex can be unorgasmic at any speed for women if her clitoris isn’t being stimulated.  Sometimes she’ll love direct stimulation and other times she’ll love to be touched in the area above or below.  Better yet go hands free.  The friction of bodies rubbing against each other can provide the spark to light the fuse. Instead of the old in and out or up and down, vary it up by changing the motion in the ocean.  But the best rule of thumb is that sex shouldn’t be a race. Enjoy yourself and her most importantly.
    Cocky: Whoa…women have orgasms?  I thought that was a myth much like the myth that "free range" chickens are actually free and not confined.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    My boyfriend and I have been together nearly three years and Valentine’s Day is approaching and I want to get him something special.  He’s one of those guys who have it all.  What should I get him?
                                             Presents in Prentice

    GOGB:  One thing I always recommend when girls are thinking of buying their significant other a present is electronic gadgets.  Guys love them.  And if that doesn’t work, there’s always one thing that guys need and don’t want to admit they need.  Wallets. Look at your guy’s wallet and I bet you it is old and worn out.  I just recently got a new wallet after havingt he same one for at least 10 years.  Another thing you could try is making coupons for your boyfriend.  I think the best bet is getting him gift certificates to his favorite store.
    Cocky:  Look the only thing any guy wants on Valentine’s Day is either a blowjob or a threesome.  I’m sure you have a single girlfriend who’ll do nothing but sit at home on that day and eat a gallon of ice cream.  Invite her over and give him something he’ll never forget.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    The woman of my dreams was taken until yesterday.  How long do I wait before asking her out?
                                              Asking in Ashwaubenon

    GOGB:  If what you’re after is a meaningful relationship that could actually go the distance, wait until she’s done sulking and acting like her upbeat self again.  That might be around 3 months.  If it’s just a fling that you’re after then wait a week or two and just go for it. She’ll be eager for a distraction and will probably be thinking that sex with a new guy will get her ex off her mind.
    Cocky:  If you have to ask us how long you should wait, it’s too long and she’ll probably be taken.  Get off the internet and get on your knees and beg her to let you take her out.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    "In the bedroom" I like stuff like spankings,biting, sex "toys", whipped cream, etc., so forth and so on. If my partner doesn't like such things, what can I do to get those needs met?
                                             Frustrated in Farmington

    GOGB:  I think the best thing to do is verbally say that they interest you and if your partner isn’t that accepting, slowly introduce them into your love making sessions.  If it becomes a huge frustration point, I’d openly talk with your partner and tell them that it is an issue and hopefully they will be considerate enough to think about meeting your needs as long as you meet their needs.
    Cocky:  Screw that, if you want to use that diesel motor powered 24 inch dildo in bed then you go to the filling station and get some diesel and then come back and fire that baby up.  If you want to use whips you watch Indiana Jones and slowly stroke your partner every time the whip comes on screen and then at the end of the movie get up and take out your whip and whip them.

    GOGB: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.  And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them anonymously to Formspring or my Tumblr or email them to--
    Cocky     : Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
    GOGB     : OR send me a message here at Xanga.
    Cocky     :  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
    GOGB     : #Cocky, you are such a dick.
    Cocky     : Wrong!  I'm a cock.


    Seriously, if you want posts like these, leave questions below or at the places mentioned above.