I think I’ll keep “Laughgasm” because the alternate title was “Orchuckle” and that just doesn’t sound like a good name for a post. It’s a good name for a type of flower or a Japanese automobile but not a Xanga post.
Did you know Monday was “National Shut the Fuck Up Unless You Won a Lot of Money or are a Fan of the Winning Team or are an NFL Owner Day”. I only fell into one of those categories this year.
I think I’m just going to keep eating Doritos until life stops sucking.
A new study has found that 99% of people who don’t like bacon are serial killers.
Nothing says, “You’re an asshole,” like “You’re an asshole.”
A recent study suggested that by the year 2060 there will be no more redheads. I guess that means I need to get going on my quest to sleep with every color of the hair rainbow or just find one and settle down for life.
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you put a gay person in a straight jacket?
An automotive report found that Jewish Americans are the number one demographic for purchases of the Mercedes Benz automobile. Man, can those guys forgive and forget? Christians ought to take a note.
Mitt Romney talks about a safety net for poor Americans. What is that safety net? I know because he’s Republican it can’t mean welfare or food stamps or anything of a socialistic nature. I bet it’s a safety net of bootstraps of the rich.
I’ve been seeing commercials for Star Wars: The Phantom Menace in 3D being re-released in theaters. At least they chose the shittiest of the Star Wars movies to make even shittier. I can’t wait to go to the theater to be disappointed all over again but this time in 3D.
I sometimes feel bad that I’m happy that this winter has been so warm. I kind of get the feeling that my happiness can be interpreted as me wearing a cheerleaders uniform and cheering, “Global warming, fuck yeah!”
On February 2nd, Ron Jeremy woke up, saw his penis, and scurried back to bed. Looks like 6 more weeks of STDs.
I have a slight headache so I checked WebMD to see what could be wrong with me. It’s been nice knowing you people. Please make sure no one plays “The Wind Beneath My Wings” at my funeral.
Have you ever thought we are all Sims being controlled in a computer game by a higher power and that this power gave us The Sims as a sign that we are just a game?
American Idol used to be a singing competition but now it seems like it’s a soap opera about a singing competition. I think Swamp People may be my new favorite show because it combines all the best elements of American Idol and The Voice with none of the singing or critique and there’s 100% more gator killing.
I’ve always wanted to go visit one of those Mayan temples in Mexico but I’m afraid that if I go inside I’ll have to outrun a giant boulder or I’ll discover that the Mayans were full of shit when it came to their calendar and it will devastate a lot of people that the world won’t end in December.
My finger has developed a six pack from all the scrolling I do on the internet and my wrist has grown a six pack from all the tennis I play. I bet you thought I was going to say masturbating.
If I kissed someone right about now I’d fear I’d bite off their tongue because it’s been so long.
I used my Xanga to get press credentials and was invited to a screening of the new movie “Battleship”. I’m supposed to keep tight lipped about it but I’m going to give away the ending. Tim Riggins says, “B4!” Then the alien says, “You sunk my battleship!” The battleship sinks, girl kisses Tim Riggins, Liam Neeson who is supposedly an American in this movie voices his approval in a deep Scottish brogue, roll credits. You have to wait until the end of the credits for an exclusive look at the sequel, Connect Four.
It was awkward watching “The Girl with the Dragoon Tattoo”with a friend of mine who is gay. Especially the part where Rooney Mara shoves the pipe up that fat guy’s ass. What made it even worse was my friend winked at me.
Whenever people talk about fighting childhood obesity, I picture a boxing ring filled with fat kids and Mike Tyson donning the boxing gloves and going to town.
If you’re a girl from the ages of 21 to 45, then I am intimidated by you.
I’m hoping I can develop multiple personality disorder by February14th so I can have a date for Valentine’s Day. I also plan on telling people how I really feel by printing all my Valentine’s in Comic Sans.
Bulima is where you can have your cake and eat it too and still lose weight.
Scars make you who you are or were or you’re just accident prone. Shit, I’m not good at this real motivational stuff.
When I was younger I took a lot of shots to my head and suffered many concussions so oatmeal.
The rapper Drake sponsors Sprite and Dr. Dre sponsors Dr.Pepper. I guess it should come as no shock that rapper R Kelly endorsed a soda pop this week. He is now the spokesperson for MelloYello. Yes, an R Kelly pee joke after all these years.
Most unicorns are dickheads.
I love knowing that I am classified as a man by certain women simply because I drive Chevy vehicles.
Ladies, please, I put on my pants like every other man in your life. One leg at a time while running through a nearby cornfield praying your husband doesn’t have a gun.
Why aren’t there many Christian rock female singers? Girls bound for heaven do not know how to use their throats properly.
When I was a teenager my dad would get so pissed at me when I’d sit in my room and blast Tupac and Dr. Dre but that’s only because he supported the east coast in the hip-hop rivalry.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
Did you know they sell my sex tape at Home Depot? It’s called “duct”.
Karen Handel resigned from the Susan G. Komen Foundation after the Planned Parenthood fiasco. Some are saying she was forced to resign. It must have sucked for her not to have a choice in the matter.
Someone once called me apathetic. I didn’t know what that word meant so I looked it up. Ha! I cared enough to look it up so I’m not apathetic,asshole!
Why do police only pull you over when you do something negative? I’d love for a cop to pull me over and give me a high five for driving awesomely.
If there’s one thing you must learn from me it’s this, never ever date a girl who is a stripper and performs under the stage name Karma. Everyone knows that Karma is a bitch.
I asked a girl if she ever thought about me. She said, “Every time I want to force myself to vomit.” Score…she’s thinking about ME!
I saw a TV show about rich men looking for love. I wish I was rich. I think the only women I could attract right now are homeless.
People often say that the best way to attract a girl is a sense of humor. Yeah, you try being a fat guy and telling a joke to a girl when there’s a shirtless guy with a six pack abs playing guitar.
A guy once told me that if I wanted to get laid I tell an ugly girl she’s hot and a hot girl she’s ugly. So…all you girls reading this who are single…you’re ugly.
I think if I had visited a sperm bank every time I masturbated I’d be able to populate my own planet by now.
Sometimes the things I say are so tacky, I imagine I could write a low budget movie for ABC Family or the news feed for FOX News.
Good news Xanga! Judging by this year’s Super Bowl commercials it looks like there is a big need for writing in Hollywood.
I’ve been conducting a study for the past year and I’ve come to this conclusion; Xanga is a suck hole of time.
You aren’t popular on Xanga until someone sends you a photo of their genitals.
I’ve been thinking of changing my Xanga crush but I probably shouldn’t because all these monogrammed towels were quite expensive. We’ve never met and I love your posts and seeing your comments. I think your profile pic is sexy. I think we should get married.
I think I’m going to start using the phrase, “He’s got a Xanga-grade reading level,” during parent/teacher conferences. I guess that could be a good thing especially if their child is seeking a job in dramatic plays.
Trolls use Xanga to bully and harass others. Then they go back to their real lives where they are bullied and harassed by others.
Every time I find out someone has unfriended me or blocked me on Xanga, I have a funeral for them. The funeral is usually when I sit on my toilet so the burial is at sea so the person can be with their own kind.
Spoiler alert: the demon in the Paranormal Activity films is actually Xanga Team and we won’t be able to get rid of them until we all download Xanga onto a smartphone.
Xanga has ruined my sense of humor and you have to be the victim.
Why pay for a therapist when I can vent my problems on Xanga? Sometimes I think some of you follow me just to laugh at me.
I don’t care what you do or how you do it but once you put something out on Xanga don’t complain if there are people out there that don’t like it or disagree with you. Believe it or not there are people out there that have different opinions than you.
I judge people based on what they recommend on Xanga. If they recommend their own comments I’m pretty sure they have high forms of vanity or lack a feeling of belonging.
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