I wonder if I'll make it through the night.  I had a special dinner tonight.  My aunt decided to give her deep fryer a workout.  Fried turkey...fried dill pickles...fried yams...fried cheese...fried Twinkies...fried Milky Way bars...fried Oreos.  Oh I'm dying.  I actually got goosebumps when I bit into the fried Twinkie.  I also think I'll never be able to eat plain Oreos ever again...well I doubt I'll eat anything like that for months.  Anyway now is the time on this site where we celebrate #Caturday

Have a good night

I went from being depressed and upset last night to being extremely pissed off this evening.  I guess I learned that people I thought that cared about me couldn't really give two shits about me.  Oh well life goes on and so do links and now it's time for links.  I know a few people have said they don't like leaving my page when viewing this post.  Well I don't know about other browsers but in Firefox what you do is right click on the link and open it in a new tab so that way you won't have to leave Xanga.  Just thought I'd offer some help.

1.  Because the other day was Valentine's Day or some shit like that, here's a collection of hand-written love letters from famous people.  I think any woman that I ended up with better not look at that site because she'd probably get a few of those.

2.  As you know, there was still some Chris Brown drama going down surrounding the Grammy's.  A lot of women expressed their lust for Brown in disturbing ways, most by saying they'd let him beat them.  How can any woman want a man to beat them?  I wonder how many abused women saw these reactions.  It's just awful.  I know people say you need to forgive the guy but forgiveness happens when there's remorse.

3.  One of the most embarassing things in every person's life is their yearbook photos.  I know I've had some doozies throughout the years.  You should totally see my college ones...yikes.  I figure if I ever become famous those will be leaked all over the internet much like these celebrity yearbook photos.

4.  OK the last few weeks I've been sharing Tumblr sites belonging to famous people.  Here is the official Britney Spears site.  I'm surprised she doesn't reblog more photos of Cheetos.

5.  This Tumblr belongs to Zooey Deschanel.  Yep, it's filled with a bunch of hipster stuff.  It took me a few clicks to find where she talks about being vegan thus proving you never have to ask.

6.  This Tumblr site belongs to one of my favorite comedians/actors Paul Scheer.  I love him on The League and a while back he had a show I used to watch on MTV2. 

7.  I think I shared this site before I got a Tumblr.  It's called Fake Science and well it contains fake science, hilariously fake science.

8.  I wonder if I have to set this one up by explaining the term "chola".  I'll let Urban Dictionary define it.  Basically from what I've seen from my neighbors it's girls with arched painted on eyebrows and black lipstick.  I think the definition Urban Dictionary is better.  ANYWAY....this Tumblr is called Cholafied and they take photos of celebrities and make them cholas. 

9.  I've been in the market for some new ice cube trays and I've been looking for something in the novelty department.  I think I've found the ice cube trays that are perfect for me.

10.  This is a photo collection of movie posters if those movies were in alternate universes.  It's hard to describe but imagine if John Wayne had been Superman.  Yeah, you just have to see them.

11.  And while we are on the topic of movies, here's a collection from IFC of the 20 best job-quitting scenes in cinema.  I wholeheartedly agree with #1. 

12.  And this link may be NSFW since it comes from a site that is called Not Safe for What and it's a collection of porn stars that have colors as their names.  Now it's not hardcore but just scantily clad ladies.  Sorry, ladies, there's no guys for you there.

And I know some of you don't care for the links so here's your photos

I was supposed to be there this weekend...sigh...thanks.  Hey, that's a Minnesota State Screaming Eagles coat!  I always found it funny that there was a Minnesota State just like on Coach and it was set in the same town.  I think they changed their school name because they didn't want to be associated with the sitcom anymore.

I wanted to lick a Valentine.

Exactly...blah blah blah

And probably more satisfying

Eating bananas...better than Twilight.  And if you remember my commentary from #3, my high school had a weird homecoming tradition.  They would have a football player from each of the classes eat a banana with their hands behind their back.  Well a guy in my class was selected and they took a photo of him in what looked like a very tender moment with the banana and it made the yearbook.  I never competed in the banana eating contest because of that photo.

HOLY CRAP!  They totally look alike!

Hey!  It's Dog the Bounty Hunter's son, Pup the Pussy Hunter.

So Sylvester Stallone said, "Hey briugigugoauhgarrarararhurrburrheertoofurr."  And Arnold Schwarzenegger replied "IEIAWIAIAIEIEEIELERRBURRGOOFUUR!"  HAHAHAHAHA!  They can't talk.

Here's a photo of my new loafers.

But it's only a dollar!

I bet Llama Del Ray would've done better on Saturday Night Live.

The next season can't get here fast enough.

Have a great night.

Well here it is, another round of tattoos.  Not all are terrible this week so I didn't include it in the title but I assure you, there are some awful tattoos here.

Skrillex?  Really?  I edited this because the guy who owns that tattoo found it here and sent me hate mail.  Wow.

Wisconsin's favorite serial killer.  I was going to say second favorite but then Ed Gein was not a typical serial killer.  He was just a deranged individual. 

Who knew Jeffrey Dahmer tattoos were a thing?  The subject matter here is awful but I have to hand it to the artist for turning out a great piece of art.

This is Leviticus 18:22 and in the King James and not in this tattoo it says: "You shall not lie with a man, as with a woman: it is abomination."  So to that I reply, "Oh yeah?  Leviticus 19:28!"

Exactly!  Wait.

The Apostle Paul is displeased.

Why such a serious tattoo?

This guy should Cry Cry Cry because of that Johnny Cash tattoo...yikes. 

"It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!"  I love The Naked Gun but a Leslie Nielsen tattoo?

You know I haven't seen much of Seth Rogen in a few months so I wonder if this guy regrets his tattoo decision.

Isn't that taken out of Leviticus?

I found this on Tumblr while trying to prove a point.  I have asserted that one can find a tattoo of anything.  I was challenged to find a Little House on the Prairie tattoo.  This is the closest I could find.  It's a portrait of Michael Landon in his trademark Charles Ingalls get up on Little House on the Prairie.  I don't know who the person is but I'm sure some of the young folks could point me in the right direction.

I think this may be my favorite Wisconsin tattoo.  Why don't you tell me how this is a Wisconsin tattoo.

Justin Veron, frontman of Bon Iver, has Wisconsin tattooed on his chest with the words "I said remember this as how it should be."  And being the nerd I am I know those are 6 Northern counties in this state...Dunn, Barron, Rusk, Taylor, Chippewa, and Eau Claire. 

Oh I'm prospering all right.

I like America too but...come on

This may be the Gore-iest tattoo I've ever seen and it has Manbearpig...MANBEARPIG!



And because Kurt Cobain's birthday is approaching...

I hope you enjoyed.

I have a feel that the reason my love life is a disaster is because I never forward those fucking chain emails.

So when are you coming over to my house to pamper me?

I once saw a girl with a shirt that had “Guess?” across her chest so I asked, “Implants?”

The state of Mississippi passed a bill that mandates that the Gulf of Mexico be called the Gulf of America. I think Congress now needs to pass a bill that calls Mississippi“no longer a state in the United States of America”.

I remember the good old days before “Cool story, bro” shirts when you had to actually talk to someone to know they were a complete tool.

It’s not drinking alone if you are online because you’re connected to millions.

I once dated a girl who was the heiress to the Saran Wrap fortune.  I ended up breaking up with her because she was too clingy.

I think the best way to avoid feeling sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day is to remember that nobody loves you on the other 364 days of the year.

If your guess is as good as mine you better guess again I guess.

It’s so tragic that Whitney Houston died.  I always imagined that if she died it would be because Kevin Costner failed to stop a bullet from a crazed fan.  Or from crack.  You know 6000 Syrians die and hardly anyone reacts.  Whitney Houston dies and everyone takes to Xanga, Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, but not Myspace because who uses Myspace, to say how sad they are for the loss of life.  Sure she was a good singer but she made herbed.  Why don’t we make posts for every smoker who dies from lung cancer?  Why don’t we make posts for every alcoholic who dies from cirrhosis of the liver?  I guess if we can’t find it on a map or own a CD by them then they aren’t shit to us.  And why is it that I don’t see any Whitney Houston posts while she’s alive in the past 5 years?  God bless America.

Domino’s unveiled their bread bites.  Essentially, all the bread bites really are is cut up pieces of crust with some cheese and garlic flavoring sprinkled on them.  The next product Domino’s plans to launch is called Bag of Pepperoni.

I always found it funny that the band Styxx took their name from the river in the Greek mythological version of Hell.  I think that aptly describes their music.

I wonder if people ever think about me after they read my posts and say, “God, he needs to get laid.”

I wonder how many virginities will be lost this evening.  I will wear my light up shoes because my virginity is hard to see in the dark.

You realize that if you were born anywhere from November 5to 10^th it’s a pretty good chance that you were a Valentine’s gift.

I could totally be a writer for a teenage high school drama TV show.  Whenever the ratings drop I’ll make a character get knocked up, come out of the closet, or die.  It’s just as easy as that, folks.

I’ve often wanted to date a girl who has OCD just so I could have a maid.

Essentially, my dream is to get married to a girl who has a birthday on February 14^th and will want to get married on February14^th.  This way I can knockout a birthday present and Valentine’s Day present in one day and not have to worry about remember extra dates.  And now for the serious part, I’ve had so many concussions over the course of my life that I cannot remember my own birthday. People laugh at this and think I’m being cute about not wanting to age or divulge when I was born but I honestly can’t remember.  It’s the strangest damn thing. 

The only reason I keep my facebook open is so I can judge people for their poor decision making skills and mock their ugly children.

Why is it that Lil’ Wayne has more money than I’ll ever make in my lifetime and yet he still dresses like a heroin addicted hobo?

I think Nicki Minaj’s performance at the Grammy’s made Lady Gaga say, “What the fuck?”  Oh well, it was still better than The Exorcist III and 2 Broke Girls.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

If we got rid of bullying that would be devastating to the economy.  The therapist market would go out of business overnight.

Did you know Valentine’s Day is known as Worldwide Singles Masturbation Day?  Well I won’t be celebrating because vodka said it would be my date. 

Cupid’s arrow does exist but in the real world we call them roofies.

My dream job is to be a personal shopper at the local liquor store.

If you want to control teenage pregnancy separate the boys and girls in the 5^th grade, make the girls watch “Kids” and the boys watch “Species”.  Problem solved.

I spilled a box of candy hearts all over the floor but the cool thing is I picked them up one by one and wrote down each word or phrase in order and I sold the lyrics to Taylor Swift. Looks like I’m going to be a hit songwriter.

My last girlfriend always warned me that I should have a mole on my back checked out.  I finally went in to have it looked at and the doctor told me it was a gopher.

Why did Members Only just make jackets?  They should’ve branched out and made condoms.

If God didn’t want men looking at breasts, he would’ve shaped them to look like vacuum cleaners or ovens or laundry baskets.

What is the easiest way to spot a vegan at a party?  Just wait 5 minutes and they’ll tell you they’re vegan.

Pringles chips are communist because they are all equally sized and uniformly stacked together.  If we don’t eat more Pringles then they will cause the Lays and Doritos to overthrow their shaped and large bag filled with air governments.

I’ve always wanted to buy insurance but I don’t know whereto go because insurance companies hardly ever advertise.

I got my first stand up gig. I have a five minute set.  An experienced comedian told me that a set like that is like having sex.  So what do I do with the other 4 minutes?

I’m pretty sure if George Lucas was a dairy farmer, all his cows would be milked to death as well.

The only way to do wrong on Xanga is to tell people how to use Xanga and what they can and can't say.

Smart Xangans seem like crazy Xangans to dumb Xangans.

I think the majority of Xanga drama starts when two people are going through substance withdrawal at the same time.  There really are emotionally unstable people here on Xanga.

Saying I have a Xanga crush is so immature so I’m going to step up my game and make her a mixtape and get her a promise ring.  I was going to send her a mold of my penis so she could practice hacking it into small pieces because I tend to have that effect on women.

This is Xanga.  Nobody is winning or losing anything.  If you made someone laugh, smile, or think today your job is done. 

I’m getting sick of Xanga once again.  I see people write posts about boycotting and blocking sites of people who think differently than them.  What the fuck are you, 5 years old?  This is why I know America will never recover.  If you come to Xanga and have to block someone because they have a differing opinion you obviously don’t believe in the freedom of speech and aren’t American. Oh wait, you respect everyone’s opinion as long as they think the same as you do and then if they don’t then they’re retarded.  Grow the fuck up and join the human race.

So I am sad because I didn't receive any chocolate hearts today or chocolate pancreases or chocolate livers.

I should've posted these earlier so some of you could possibly give them to people who make your naughty bits tingly.  Enjoy...

O, maybe this one isn't for everyone out there but I love it.



















Roses are red
Violets are blue
Vodka costs less
Than dinner for two.

Roses are red
Violets are purple
I may not be a Pokemon
But I can make you squirtle

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
In soviet Russia,
Poem writes you!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
The stove is in the kitchen,
Why arent you?

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
I'm a schizophrenic,
and so am I

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is lumpy
And so are you

Roses are blue
Violets are red
I've got this wrong
So lets go to bed

Roses are red
Grass is greener
When i think of you
I touch my wiener

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fi...Have a happy Valentine's Day!

Class, I enjoyed reading the answers to your last assignment.  If you head over there now you can read my answers.  And if you don't want to lose this page and you're not using IE just right click on the link and select "open in a new tab".    I am so happy that so many of you are participating.  When I first started this I think I only had 3 or 4 people answer my questions.  My heart is aflutter when I see all of you answer and with that being said your grade is A+

Now for your next assignment:

A. 

B. 

You can do one or the other or for extra credit you can do both.  Make sure you explain your answer if you choose to do A.

Now...get to work.

Here are my answers:
A.  I can't really answer this one because it was what you'd cook for me but I'll related what I had this evening: minute steak, hashbrowns with onions and jalepenos, and oven roasted green beans drizzled with olive oil.  I enjoyed a nice chilled glass of vintage tap water.

B.  I think the strangest thing I have ever eaten is either a toss up between octopus or alligator.  I had the octopus at a Chinese buffet.  They were tiny little octopi and I put a could on my plate.  They were served in this red sauce.  When I got back to my seat I tried them first.  The sauce tasted like watered down ketchup and they were so rubbery.  The octopus really had no taste it had more texture.  I first had the alligator at a fish and exotic meat store in a town in Wisconsin.  They had it in jerky form and had it set out for free samples.  I looked at all the samples and figured alligator may be the one I'd enjoy because the others were smoked salmon and pickled blue gill.  The alligator was delicious.  It actually tasted just like a spicy sausage that you'd find on a pizza.  I ended up buying two pounds of the stuff and ate it for my Super Bowl party last year.

I've been wanting to do a post like this for the past few years but I've never found myself in a Valentine's Day mood but this year even though I'm single I have hope or something I don't really know.  I just don't feel as cripplingly depressed as I normally do when the day arrives and I you're saying, "But, Godfather, Valentine's Day is just another day, why get upset?"  And to that I'd reply, "Well since it's just a day why don't you just come have sex with me?"  Yeah it sounds better when I say it in my head.  Anyway, I'm going to share some songs with you that I'm pretty sure will make your Valentine's Day a hit...unless you're Chris Brown and Rihanna because then every day is a hit.

#1.  "Every Breath You Take" by The Police  Oh just listen to those lyrics.  They scream devotion.  They scream love.  They scream restraining order.

#2.  "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by The Joy Division  This is such a beautiful song about loving someone so much that your love will put a wedge in your relationship and cause you nothing but heartache.  OK, I'm making that up but it's still a great Valentine's Day song.

#3.  "You Never Even Call Me By My Name" by David Allen Coe  How many times have you been on a Valentine's Day date and you forgot your date's name and they just start calling you "hun" or "babe" or "sweetie" or "cutie pie" or "lardass"?

#4.  "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt  See my comments for #1. 

#5.  "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed  Drinking sangria in a park, feeding animals in a zoo, and watching movies sounds like a great Valentine's date as long as you're high on heroin.

#6.  "You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone  This was my parents' wedding song.  Every time I hear it I laugh because it's clearly about this lonely woman singing to God or her cat but if you want to laugh at your Valentine's Day date play this song and tell her it reminds you of her.

#7.  "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd  Sure this sounds like a great song to sing to your girlfriend if she lives 5 hours away and you're in college and you can't see her all the time.  Sure it has pretty lyrics that make you and her tingle in the naughty bits when you here it because you equate it with your long distance relationship.  But it's about a band who missed their original lead singer because he did so much acid it fried his brain and he wound up in the booby hatch but by all means sing it to your date because maybe you could get her to do acid with you and make the night truly memorable.

#8.  "Gigantic" by The Pixies  Yep, it's about what you think it's about and guys you need to let your ladies know you're packing otherwise they may walk out on you.

#9.  "Pussy Control" by Prince  Girls, remember that you should respect yourself and understand that you don't have to drop them thongs just because a guy bought you some flowers and chocolate.

#10.  "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails  I know some of you will get down to some funky naughty business on Valentine's Day and nothing says "I wanna make love on you" quite like the lyrics to this song.

And now, here's some Valentine's Day cards for you to possibly share with the object of your obsession or someone you love or you can pretend they are from me to you.

Lieb mich jetzt!

OK so it's not really a card but it speaks to me.  Te amo, ammo.

Coming to DVD?

I would totally take a date out and let her order all she wants and skip the meal as long as I got to eat when we got home.

Oh yeah, hugging from behind, I have to remember to do that more often.

I'll be back later with more cards for your enjoyment and my mockery.

אתה לא יכול לקרוא את זה, אלא אם תחליט להשתמש בתרגום גוגל אבל גם אז אני לא חושב שתקבל את המשמעות האמיתית של הודעה זו. ובכן, לא קשה להבין כי זה #Caturday.

Xanga doesn't do Hebrew that well.  COMPLAIN COMPLAIN BITCH BITCH BITCH! 

Have a good night

Hey, it's palindrome day.  Now it's time for a round up. 

Vanessa Hudgens was on the Jimmy Fallon Show this week.  I take back every bad thing I've ever said about her.  Wow, I think I have to replace my keyboard because of my drooling.

Here's Tila Tequila.  I really don't know what to say here.  She was originally the girl next door but now she's the poster child for Hollywood plastic surgery in a staged photoshoot.  I'm surprised she's not bent over.  Does she even eat?

Snooki and JWoww are filming a spin-off to Jersey Shore and they have been put under strong regulations from Jersey City officials.  In order to film in Jersey City, the production company and MTV had to agree to these guidelines: 1. The show must allow at least four Jersey City PD officers to be stationed at Jwoww and Snooki's home at all times. 2. The cops will stay with the cast and crew when they leave the home. Cops have agreed to keep an appropriate distance from the operation, so they don't get in the way of production. 3. If MORE cops are called in to handle an incident due to events related to the show, producers MUST reimburse Jersey City for all related costs.  Police are taking this very seriously and will take action if any laws are broken including the cast.  I think the only protection here involves a flux capacitor, condoms, and their parents.  I don't get why they're filming a spin-off.  The only way a spin-off would be entertaining is if they filmed it in Camden, New Jersey, the most dangerous city in America.

This is Sheyla Hershey.  Recently she tried to kill herself because she was forced to take out her 38M implants out because they were crushing her lungs and slowly suffocating her.  Man, what a tragetitty.  Well those same massive mounds of flesh that once tried to put her in the grave actually kept her out of the grave.  Sheyla was partying at a Super Bowl party and got behind the wheel after having one too many.  She wasn't buckled up and she hit a tree and was ejected out of the windshield and into a tree but she was saved by her smaller 38KKK breast implants.  She had built-in airbags.  She was arrested and will have to face DUI charges later this month. 

Scarlett Johansson has taken it upon herself to do campaigning for President Obama and she thinks the best way to raise money and support for the president is through fashion.  She sponsored an event called Runway to Win which was a collaborative effort with many fashion designers to show support for President Obama and raise money for his re-election campaign.  When asked how selling t-shirts and tote bags can get the president re-elected, Scarlett said this: "I think the most important thing is that the fashion world has an international spotlight shown on it.  To be able to use that spotlight on a cause like this is incredible.  The idea of conscious consumerism was appealing, and that any way to reintroduce that kind of cool factor [to Obama's reelection campaign] is very valuable."  I'm not going to get into debates her but in an age of rampant unemployment and underemployment, endorsements from people who design and wear $300,000 gowns may not make a candidate relatable to the common man.  The biggest help Scarlett could give Obama would be to wear a v-cut t-shirt or even better, nothing at all and keep quiet. 

A while back I wrote about how former porn star Sasha Grey caused an uproar when she participated in a public school's reading program.  Even though she retired from porn last April, some of her last work on the screen is set to be released in a movie called Anal Artists.  The production company, Assence Films, is championing Sasha after the National Education Association distanced themselves from Sasha fast than a Jenna Jameson blowjob.  Assence Films wanted to donate a portion of the profits from Anal Artists to the reading program but the NEA said no thank you because they claim Sasha Grey is no longer affiliated with their organization.  Well they think high of themselves.  So what if her backdoor has been explored more than King Tut's tomb?  She wants kids to read more.  Whether kids are reading poetry, non-fiction, fiction, Valtrex prescription bottles, reading is fundamental.  The NEA's position is not without merit.  Just imagine if a little girl asks mommy who Sasha Grey is.  "Well when a woman is in love with four men, she will show her love to those men all at the same time." 

Wow, Roseanne is going to be busy.  Not only is she running for president but she's also set to return to TV and will be reunited with John Goodman.  The premise of the show will be perfect for them because they will be starring in the NBC blue collar comedy "Downwardly Mobile".  Roseanne will be the manager of a mobile home park who is basically a mother to everyone in the trailer park and Goodman will be one of her friends.  I'm sort of upset they probably won't be married but I'm actually sort of looking forward to this show and also seeing if Roseanne makes it on my ballot come November.  They better keep the lottery and dream shit out of this show because that ruined the show "Roseanne".  Hopefully this could give some sort of closure to that series. 

Rihanna continues to make self-destructive decisions.  This week she was supposed to rehearse a song for the Grammy's but she held up rehearsal for 5 hours while she hung out with Chris Brown in her dressing room.  Just so we're clear, Rihanna held up run-throughs for an awards show that, based on talent alone, she shouldn't be allowed to even clean the floors at. For five hours. To hang out with the guy who beat her senseless. 

Randy Travis was arrested for being drunk in public after a police officer caught Travis drinking wine inside his car which was parked in front of a Baptist Church in Sanger, Texas.  Do you hear the banjo twang because that is most definitely a country song.  Do you think he was sitting in front of church because he wanted to be closer to God while he sang about his love for wine...I'm gonna love you forever, forever and ever AMEN!

Nick Nolte turned 71 this week.  Aww geez aww gosh...yeah I need to do my Nick Nolte impersonation on camera.  He does the same thing in every single movie. 

Miley Cyrus is bringing back her lot lizard look.  Maybe she's just fallen on hard times since she really hasn't released any music or movies in a long time.  I think the lot lizard's going rates are $20 for a beej and $30 for a lay and $50 if you want to do Sasha Grey's expertise.   

Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter may have finalized their divorce in December but they have been spotted with each other quite a bit recently.  I'm really thrown off by that beard.  I wonder if it will come into play in the next season of Dexter.  Maybe they are together because of the relationship between Dexter and Deborah.  Oh man my head is spinning.  He actually knows how to wear facial hair unlike some celebrities.

And Michael Cera is one of those celebrities.  Is he trying to go for the registered sex offender look?  Maybe he's trying to get a role in a remake of Welcome Back, Kotter.  I bet it took him 15 years to grow that killer 'stache.

Here's someone else that facial hair isn't working for, Macaulay Culkin.  What the hell is wrong with him?  Has he decided to stop eating since Mila Kunis broke up with him?  Maybe he's trying to get in character for a remake or sequel to The Machinist.  What the hell is wrong with him?

Yeah, the Super Bowl halftime show was painful to watch but then there was this.  Oh and during a talk fast solo, rapper M.I.A. flipped the bird.  Madonna was not pleased.  She was on Ryan Seacrest's radio show and said this: "I was really surprised. I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager…irrelevant thing to do…there was such a feeling of love and unity there what was the point? It was just out of place."  Translation: "I was pissed off that one of my minions would dare do something out of line, something that I regularly do in my concerts.  LOVE ME NOW!"  Madonna is now sitting in a swivel chair, stroking a cat, and plotting her revenge against M.I.A.  Well people got offended and NBC had to issue an apology.  It's weird how people are offended by a finger but last week NBC was this close to airing an episode of Fear Factor that would've seen contestants drinking donkey semen.  NBC and the NFL released this statement: "There was a failure in NBC's delay system. The obscene gesture in the performance was completely inappropriate, very disappointing, and we apologize to our fans."  Notice it said "to our fans" when it should've said, "If you were offended by a finger then you have problems and are probably the reason why America has gone to shit."

I think the best thing to come out of the Super Bowl this year was Giselle Bundchen's criticizing of New England Patriot running backs and wide receivers for dropping her husband's, quarterback Tom Brady, passes.  She said this after the game: "My husband can not f****ing throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."  I'd feel bad for Brady but the pity sex he received that night makes that a little difficult.  I bet he didn't have to force it into tight coverage that night.  Now is it really the wide receivers' and running backs' fault?  I think it's actually Giselle's fault.  Before Tom Brady started hooking up with Giselle in 2006 he won Super Bowls in 2002, 2004, and 2005.  Since he started dating her, he's lost Super Bowls in 2008 and 2012.  Not even Yoko Ono was a big a wet blanket as Giselle.  Who am I kidding?  I admire it when a woman stands by her man.  That is what I want.  Well...to a point.  Later this week an anonymous wife of another member of the Patriots football team told a newspaper that all the wives and girlfriends hate Giselle.  She said: "Gisele is . . . so stuck up and treats them all like yahoos. . . . In many cases, the other wives are not all that sophisticated, but Gisele has been openly snotty to several of them — making cracks about how they dress and use too much makeup. Stuff like that."  OK they're just bitter because Giselle is a supermodel.  You didn't really think that the world's highest earning model was a humble person with a heart of gold, did you? When you're supermodels like Gisele and myself, you will find out that it's your job to rain on everyone's parade. Think about it like this: Giselle is taking heat because she's saying what you're thinking about your butterfingered husbands. So, instead of nipping at her heals and submitting comments anonymously, you should be thanking Gisele for the sacrifice she's making for you.


Lindsay Lohan took photos for Terry Richardson this week.  Doesn't she look like the poster child for sobriety?  She's trying to play Elizabeth Taylor ever since her attempt at being Marilyn Monroe failed.  I think the best move would be to try to act like herself.  Well I guess this is Lindsay's best show at being herself.  She has no job and she's living rent free so I guess the best thing to do is let a guy take photos of your perfect boobs.  I know I've said a lot of mean things about Lindsay over the years but I can still admire her breasts.  You'd be OK with that, right?  I mean I think I've earned that right given how much work I put into these and how I sometimes get little feedback.  Who knows, maybe these are photos promoting a new movie.  The only movie I could think of that would get Linday's career back on track would be called Truck Stop Whores volume 9.

Because California has no-fault divorce and Katy Perry didn't think of making Russell Brand sign a pre-nup, he's entitled to half her money.  The weird thing is, he doesn't want it.  He's entitled to 20 million dollars.  Man, $20mil, how can a guy turn that down?  There is no way I could turn that money down.  A representative from Katy's side said that Russell is a real mensch and the divorce was amicable.  Russell probably didn't want to leave with hard feelings so that is admirable.  Katy Perry made her money shooting whipped cream out of her chest and singing about binge drinking and kissing girls and how someone is hot then cold then yes then no then in then out then up then down because, baby, they're a firework.  As a writer whose books aren't half bad, Russell Brand probably thought taking her money was the equivalent of a black guy wearing a KKK hood.

Man, Jessica Simpson's boobs are getting huge.  They're what you'd call comic book character sized.  I'm thinking if I were to draw a comic with a female character and I drew her boobs bigger than Jessica's I'd be labeled a pervert. 

FOX announced this week that the series House will end at the end of this season.  They gave no reason why they are pulling the plug but it's FOX.  They have a stellar track record when it comes to canceling shows.  I don't think the ratings for the show are on life support.  I'm not really familiar with the show but know about it for trivia reasons.  I'm not sure if he was ever diagnosed for his illness but I have a feeling that will be part of how the show will end.  He'll be diagnosed with something like gas or AIDs and the series will end but more than likely it will be lupus.  The series will end this April.

Garth Brooks turned 50 this week.  Remember when this guy was the biggest country star in the world?  Remember when he was probably one of the biggest musical stars in the world?  He went and ruined it all with that Chris Gaines shit and his failed stint with the San Diego Padres.  I may have to go put in some goat roping music now.

Well it looks like Debbie Harry is still going strong after all these years although she looks like she's wearing a wig that she purchased from the Dollar Tree mop section.  So if Jesus looks like her, does that mean she's immortalized in stained glass windows and church statues?

David Beckham was kicked out of one of his children's soccer games.  He said that he was watching the game and one of the kids had a penalty called against them and then was kicked out of the game.  Beckham got upset and yelled, "Come on, he's seven, referee, you can't send him off."  The ref came over and said he could and then told Beckham to leave.  I hate to break it to you, Becks, but that's the beautiful people we Americans are.  We are vindictive.  You marry a hot chick, we kick you out of a youth soccer game.  That's why I no longer go pantless in public.  All my friends' girlfriends and wives leave them to be with me.  I know it's a cross to bear but we have to do what needs to be done.  I suppose with all that money Beckham has raked in he can learn to be a vindictive American by buying the soccer league and then firing the ref.

This is Beyonce just weeks after giving birth to Blue Ivy™.  Damn, she looks good.  AS for the ™ behind Blue Ivy's™ name.  Beyonce and Jay-Z are seeking to trademark her name because they are worried that car makers are going to use those words to name car colors.  It must be nice to be popular.  A source close to the parents say the more reasonable explanation is that they are looking into releasing a line of baby clothing with the name attached and also BABY COSMETICS.  Yes, now you can put make-up on your babies.  What the fuck is this world coming to when we are so vain that we have to put make-up on our children?  Also the girl (I won't use her name any longer because I fear her parents will come after me for royalties) is said to already be living in the lap of luxury.   A source says that the child has 6 nannies.  Remember the good old days when mothers raised their children?  The baby has her diaper changed every hour by one of the 6 nannies.  Also Jay-Z has bought the baby diamond earrings and a platinum bracelet.  They match her pink sapphire encrusted baby bottle.  6 nannies, platinum bracelets, allegedly delivered in a room with bulletproof glass, is this a child or an X-men?  Is this some sort of bio-engineered human weapon for the government to fight the war on terror? No? Oh then she's just a fucking baby? I see.

I think this is the feel good story of the week.  Bono stands to make over $1billion in the IPO of Facebook.  Back in 2009, Bono's investment group bought 1% of Facebook for $90million.  When Facebook eventually goes public, many investors are saying that the company will be estimated in value at $100billion making Bono $1billion.  Now he can afford to buy a razor and take showers.  Oh, thank the Lord above that this Facebook thing worked out for Bono. Isn't it great when a one-percenter can add an enormous pile of money to the gigantic pile of money he already has, especially during this depression?  I bet his next stage show will cost $80million instead of the regular $40million shows he does with U2.  Maybe he'll invest some of that $1billion into that shitty Spiderman musical.  How am I doing?  Well I had a windfall.  I've been posting my services on Craigslist.  The price of cunnilingus has not been affected by the Dow Jones.  Go me!

Did I ever say I love Charlize Theron?  After seeing this photo of her preparing for a Super Bowl party I really love her.  Vodka and nice beer, that's all it takes to win my heart, ladies.  Well it also wouldn't hurt to be an Oscar winner.  One thing that would have me proposing marriage is if she had a case of Spotted Cow.  I guess nobody's perfect.  Also that is how you prepare for a Super Bowl.  Sorry, Budweiser drinkers, that's real beer.  If you come to my house and ask for a Bud or Bud Light, I'll draw you a glass of water.

Courtney Stodden took time out of her busy schedule of being a child bride who is addicted to plastic surgery to do a photo shoot/commercial for FreeCreditScore.com.  So she's supposed to be a mermaid.  I think she's going to be Ariel's sister, Achlamydia.

Charlie Day turned 36.  If you don't know who Charlie Day is then you aren't watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  I love that show.  This is a still from a musical his character Charlie created called Dayman.  That may have been the best 30 minutes in TV history, definitely one of my favorite episodes.  Now to leave you with my two favorite Charlie quotes: "I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!"  and  "Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on little jobbies?!"

Alice Cooper turned 64 this week.  I've come to really enjoy him over the years.  He's got his head on straight concerning mixing rock and roll with politics.  One of my favorite quotes he ever did was regarding the musicians who supported John Kerry in 2004.  He said that Linda Ronstadt and Don Hennley supported Kerry so that was good enough reason to support Bush.  I think the legacy with Cooper is how he was probably one of the innovators of shock rock.  Without him there would definitely be no Marilyn Manson.

If you've read my Celebrity Round Up over the past year or two you'll know my hatred for MTV especially the show Teen Mom.  This show is absolutely no good and what is happening to the people from Teen Mom after the cameras leave is a tragedy.  This is 21 year old Amber Portwood.  She was on Teen Mom and has legal problems even while she was on the show.  This week she was sentenced to 5 years in prison for drug possession but she can avoid the time if she goes into a drug treatment program.  Hello, Dr. Drew, something else for you to exploit.  The judge said if she completes the program then the case will be dismissed but if she fails she will go to prison.  During the sentencing she said that she has been doing drugs since she was 13.  Hmmm wouldn't the cameras pick up that she was on drugs while filming?  Why didn't they intervene?  She was arrested on December 19th during a meeting with a probation officer and it turned out she was in possession of hydrocodone.  I hope for her sake and more importantly her daughter's sake that she cleans up otherwise MTV will take Amber from Teen Mom to Teen Prison Bitch.

Axl Rose turned 50 this week.  You know I was talking to someone about this guy in the last couple of weeks and we were trying to determine how awesome Guns N Roses would've been had he not went OCD with Chinese Democracy.  I said had they went on performing and putting out albums it would've totally changed their legacy and people may not think they are as good.  I also said that if they kept up performing there'd be no Pickles.

And because I have nothing good going on in my life right now...here's Coco!  I wonder if a person could survive in the wilderness wearing those clothes.

Have a great weekend.

Well here it is Thursday already so that means another round of links.  It was an uneventful night here in Lake Woebegone, I took my cats to the vet and they were little devils, biting and scratching and hissing and growling.  Then when I get them home it was more biting, scratching, hissing, and growling.  They have finally settled down and the old Norwegian Lutherans were preparing for the annual lutefisk dinner.

1.  A company released a Mitt Romney condom this week.  I can't make many good jokes because they are all taken by the company.  My best is either..."They are really slippery" or "Even though Romney's in the 1% these are regular sized to fit 99% of men."  Yeah...not good...next.

2.  And while I'm on the subject of politics, I found this fun little quiz over at Mother Jones...yeah yeah say what you will...it's a quiz testing your knowledge of Dwight Schrute and Newt Gingrich.  See a couple weeks ago I posted a photo of Newt from back in the day and he looks exactly like Dwight Schrute from The Office.  I only got 6 out of 10.  It's quite a difficult quiz.

3.  This is for the DIY crowd out there.  It's a guide on how to upgrade your wall outlets to include USB connections.  Dang, if I was more handy I'd try doing that.

4.  I've been sharing celebrity Tumblr accounts here the past couple of weeks so I have three more.  First we have John Hodgman.  This guy is hilarious and I can guarantee all of you have seen him at least once.  He's the PC guy in the Mac vs. PC commercials.

5.  This is the Tumblr account for Donald Glover, the guy who is on Community and raps under the name Childish Gambino.

6.  This Tumblr account is Anthony Bourdain.  This guy doesn't do much with Tumblr but I'm half expecting him to one day just go off and rip Rachael Ray and Paula Deen new ones.

7.  I thought this was good for Valentine's Day.  It's called 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt.  It's like a health meter from a video game on a chest.  The shirts are sold in pairs and when you come in contact with the other person wearing the other shirt your health recharges.  Yeah it's sort of lame but the nerd in me is saying "AWWW".

8.  A local news station posted some Super Bowl myths.  Yeah I'm a little late with that but you should be thankful because I was early on the Valentine's one above.

9.  I didn't really care for the Super Bowl halftime show but you'll probably hear more about that in a post tomorrow.  Anyway, I found this site that broke down Madonna's performance and deemed it to be a Satanic ritual.  Yeah, they don't really think that, it's pretty funny.  I can guarantee there are people that think it's real, just like the Louisiana representative that posted a story from The Onion as fact this week.

10.  Now while that last site was humor, this site about why Harry Potter sucks is serious.  Hey, what do you know, it's written by a Twilight fan.

11.  And because I sometimes have the humor of a 14 year old, here's a collection of dirty sounding team names.  When I was in high school I had two hats that I probably wore to school.  One was of Fordham University and it simply said FU on the hat.  The other hat was for the University of South Carolina and it said Cocks.  In retrospect, I don't know why I wore that second one.

12.  I think I've posted this before but it's so cool that it needs reposting.  It's called LEGO albums.  The concept is simple, they take LEGOs and use them as the artwork to music albums.  I think my favorite is the one of Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here.

And if you don't like links, here's some stuff to possibly laugh at.

Ummm...why are we good matches?  Who am I kidding?  She'd never date me.

Verily

The Australian national women's basketball team needs to invest in some different uniforms.

Run, forest, run!

Hey, an intersection named after me.

How's that for breastfeeding in public?


I never would've graduated if I went to UW.  I went there for a visit in high school to see if I would matriculate and I never set foot in a classroom.  I drank the entire time.

And rightly so.

I love how Wisconsin has taken such a huge set back in democracy when Walker is being investigated for illegal campaigning and also Republican senators signed confidentiality agreements not to PUBLICLY discuss plans for redistricting.  SO THE ELECTED OFFICIALS WILL NOT DISCUSS WHAT THEY ARE DOING?!?!?!?!  I FUCKING LOVE POLITICS!

Boba Fonzarelli needs to round them all up and drop them in a sarlacc pit.