March 7, 2012

  • Motivation

    I think by now you know these posts are NSFW but if you need a reminder...NSFW

    I have discovered that I am a superhero.  My power is to severely repulse women faster than a speeding train.

    A phrase women use that I have grown to detest is, “All the good guys are gay”.  That is so insulting to me.  I don’t think I’m that bad.  Sure I’m horribly overweight, balding, ugly and hey what is that, a baked bean in my chest hair?  I haven’t had baked beans since last Thursday.  Oh, never mind, back to repulsing women.

    I’d make a lot of money as an exterminator because all I’d have to do is hang outside a house and no living thing would want to be near me…especially the female of the species.

    Flying squirrels are cute and all until you realize they are just unsuccessfully trying to kill themselves.

    “Oral sex is like smoking cigarettes.  The flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt.” -Socrates

    The main reason why people look down on sluts is because we can’t sacrifice them to Satan if America is ever in a pinch.

    Thanks to the Food Network, I know it’s not “burning the food” it’s “putting a good char on it”.

    I’ve become addicted to the show on Food Network called“Chopped”.  I wonder if they will have a Halloween special where Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is in the basket.  Are Se7en jokes still hip?

    I feel so unloved.  I think I finally understand how the two end slices on a loaf of bread feel.

    Hot chicks to me are like iPads.  I’ll never have an iPad.

    I have a new 11th Commandment.  It used to be, “Thou shalt not cultivate on thine face what runneth wild on thine ass.” Now it’s “Thou shalt not declare ordinary moments to be awkward.”

    If Jesus came to the world in this day and age and only had12 followers on his blog people would laugh at him.

    I don’t think I’m that funny.  I think my main talent is making people feel uncomfortable.

    When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade and then you sell that lemonade in a busy area with a high markup on a hot day and then you open a lemonade store and then you become a lemonade corporation and eventually you’ll have a lemonade monopoly which will put life out of business.

    When I was in grade school there was a sign near the paper towel dispensers that said “Take Only What You Need”.  A friend and I in third grade saw this and figured we needed all the towels in the dispenser and we needed to throw them on the floor.  It wasn’t my proudest moment but it was my first dalliance fighting the man.

    Sarc is my second favorite type of asm.

    I find it odd that Kirk Cameron is so vehemently against homosexuality considering his best friend in high school was named Boner.

    I once dated a girl and we got pretty serious and then she figured out that if we got married her initials would’ve been C.O.W.  No girl wants to go through life thinking they’re a cow.

    I might not be ugly; it’s just that good photos of me do not exist.

    Apparently a boy in Brazil died after masturbating 42straight times.  I guess that means 41 is the limit guys.

    I think it’s time for a new girlfriend.  I think it’s high time I ruin someone else’s life.

    I need sex.  Any takers?  It will be the most regrettable minute and a half of your life.

    If Hitler really wanted to get away with genocide he probably should’ve started with the Jersey Shore.

    Do you find it odd that Rush Limbaugh doesn’t know how birth control works since he’s quite familiar with pharmaceuticals?  I think the only reason he apologized was he lost a fast food restaurant as a sponsor. But given what Rush looks like he probably knows a prostitute when he sees one. Oh well, but seriously I think that anyone that wants him fired over something he said is un-American.  Sure I don't like what he says but that's part of freedom of speech...you aren't going to like everything everybody has to say so just make a fake Xanga account and troll the shit out of him.

    And now your weekly dose of motivation:


















    Why doesn’t Food Network ever have a show about how to cook for people you hate?  I’ve always been curious as to how to make a bleach cocktail.

    I think for Halloween this year I’m going to get a few friends and we’re going to dress as the gang from Scooby Doo and then we’ll go to a party and unmask everyone.

    Someone told me that ranch dressing was good on everything so I put it on some broccoli, my lamp, and a country music CD.  They lied.

    The best way to sum up a country music song…sad, sad,drinking, sad, sad, kill all non-Republicans and people with brown skin, happy,happy, drink drink.

    My heart melts when girls tell me those three words I love to hear, “You do not know how to count.”

    I never realized how many pedophiles are out there.  I’m constantly being hit on by people asking,“What are you, twelve?”

    I decided it was time to look on OKCupid for some love.  The funny thing was my first match was my girlfriend.  I think she was trying to cheat on me.

    I think I was funnier before I thought I was funny.

    Gas is getting pretty expensive.  I went to the gas station today and it cost me $5000 to fill up my car.  I didn’t just fill the tank but I filled the trunk and the interior.

    Have you ever gotten so drunk in a public park that you get naked and pass out and then wake up to find a family reunion using your dong to play horse shoes?

    Do they have Outback Steakhouses in Australia?

    I was going to get a smartphone when I heard everyone saying how awesome Instagram was.  I looked it up and it had nothing to do with free drugs at all.  No smartphone for me.

    Everyone wants to be your friend when you walk into a bar carrying a pizza naked.

    Do you think when Snooki feels the baby moving she thinks it’s fist pumping?

    I will never date a woman who doesn’t squeeze a tube of toothpaste from the bottom and work it up.

    A girl once said she wouldn’t date me because I’m not a good dancer and that being a good dancer translates to being better in bed.  I asked her to find out how many orgasms Michael Jackson gave Lisa Marie Presley.

    I want to meet more people from Xanga except that would mean having to shower.  Screw it, love me for who I am and the scent I emit.

    Having a lot of subscribers on Xanga is like having an ant farm with a lot of opinionated ants.

    I’ve been trying to pitch new mottoes for Xanga so they can do an ad campaign to attract new users. Here’s my latest: Are you addicted to drugs?  Do you have no life?  Do you have a Skrillex tattoo?  Do you love Dane Cook?  Are you a pathological liar?  Do you suffer from a mental illness?  Do you masturbate excessively?  Then Xanga’s the place for you.

    If Xanga has ever offended you, I’m sorry…sorry that you let an internet site get to you so much.Xanga is a lot like kindergarten.  Instead of throwing rocks at people we make fake accounts to harass them and tell on them to the Xanga team.  And instead of me pulling hair of the girls I like I just pull their hair in my imagination.

    People around Xanga constantly bandy about the mantra “I don’t give a fuck”.  Xanga does give a fuck and mostly it’s a “fuck you” to me.

    The only thing more pathetic than my Xanga is my sex life.

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