March 17, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 3/16/12

  So how are you doing tonight?  I went out for some supper and did some grocery shopping and ended up forgetting about the internet until about 5 minutes ago.  I guess I was in disbelief because tonight almost all my brackets were busted and we had massive amounts of lightning lighting up the sky.  I can't believe I thought Missouri could have what it takes to win.  I can't believe that it's March and I'm watching heat lightning.  Anyway, here's the round up.

  
  

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  This week it was announced that the movie "A Star is Born" will be remade for the 10,000th time and it will probably be like all the others.  Clint Eastwood will be directing and Beyonce will be playing the Barbara Streisand/Judy Garland role and Tom Cruise is set to be the aging has-been rockstar.  The film will be set to film in June but Tom has some other projects and Clint has approached the likes of Will Smith, Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, and Eminem.  Tom Cruise and Beyonce are a strange pairing sort of like toothpaste and pineapple juice.  But the good thing is if Tom does star opposite Beyonce he can try to brainwash her into joining Scientology and help Suri get close to Blue Ivy so Suri can take Blue Ivy down a peg and teach her that Suri is the most spoiled celebrity kid. 
  
  This is Vanessa Hudgens on the set of Spring Breakers.  I may have to see that movie.  I'm sort of getting a vibe from this photo.  It's a vibe that says Vanessa just got done filming the Girls Gone Wild casting room scene.  Yeah, I may have to see that movie.
  
  This is another shot from Spring Breakers.  It is a scene that features Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez in a hot tub.  That is Selena exiting said hot tub.  The director of Spring Breakers is named Harmony Korine.  I think he's going out on a limb having these girls prancing around in nothing but bikinis.  Harmony's work harkens the work of Scorsese. 
  
  Stop me if you've heard this one before.  The new Muppets movie features a cover of the Nirvana song "Smells Like Teen Spirit".  They paid to use the song and had the permission from the two remaining Nirvana members, Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic.  Well that wasn't good enough for Courtney Love.  Courtney said the Muppets raped the spirit of her late husband Kurt Cobain and bastardized the song and this was all done without her permission.  Too bad Courtney did give a record company the right to distribute Nirvana's catalog and she was paid for usage of the song.  If Courtney really cared about Nirvana why didn't she stop contestants on The Voice from butchering the song Heart Shaped Box.  What about the Rockabye Baby Nirvana album?  I think Courtney should be flattered that they made a Muppet look like her.  See, she's right there in the bottom right corner.
  
  Ron Jeremy turned 59 this week.  You know this guy sort of gave me hope.  Here was this fat, ugly, balding, hairy guy who was scoring with chick after chick.  I thought that could be me but then Ron and I have one big difference.  Do you know how difficult it was finding a photo of him with clothes on?
  
  Sasha Grey turned 24 this week.  She was the former porn star turned childhood reading advocate.  She is a retired porn star.  Wow, 24 and retired but then 24 is sort of old for porn.  Do you know how difficult it is to find an image of Sasha wearing clothing and no penises in her mouth?
  
  And while I'm on the topic of porn, Raquel Welch recently said in Men's Health that porn has led to the downfall of civilization.  I think she's campaigning for Rick Santorum.  Here's what she said: "I think we've gotten to the point in our culture where we're all sex addicts, literally. We have equated happiness in life with as many orgasms as you can possibly pack in, regardless of where it is that you deposit your love interest.  It's just dehumanizing. And I have to honestly say, I think this era of porn is at least partially responsible for it. Where is the anticipation and the personalization? It's all pre-fab now. You have these images coming at you unannounced and unsolicited. It just gets to be so plastic and phony to me. Maybe men respond to that. But is it really better than an experience with a real life girl that he cares about? It's an exploitation of the poor male's libidos. Poor babies, they can't control themselves.  I just imagine them sitting in front of their computers, completely annihilated. They haven't done anything, they don't have a job, they barely have ambition anymore. And it makes for laziness and a not very good sex partner. Do they know how to negotiate something that isn't pre-fab and injected directly into their brain?"  I hate it when celebrities are right and I really hate it when they spotlight one of my activities but then I gave it up for Lent.  But then Raquel was known for baring it all in pictorials in the 60s and 70s so she forgot about her own contribution to decadence and how she basically started the commoditization of women waving their breasts around.  Oh, I'll forgive her, she's probably having a senior moment.
  
  So Rihanna is making a fashion statement by wearing a fanny pack.  It's not only a fashion statement but a pretty ideal place to keep a cold compress in case of an argument with Chris Brown.  Now, I'm off to my parent's basement to find my fanny pack because I have a fashion statement to make.
  
  Richard Grieco was unearthed for the premiere of the new 21 Jump Street movie.  He sort of looks like a Transylvanian sexual predator.  That guy looks so bad.  I remember when he was on 21 Jump Street and all the girls in my class just loved him.  How the mighty have fallen...but was he ever really mighty?
  
  The thing is, the Daily Mail is right...THAT REALLY IS NEWS!
  
  IT CAME FROM THE SEA!  Nicki Minaj is filming a video for her new set of beeps and bass.  Nicki Minaj is basically the black Lady Gaga in that she took something bad and made it worse and insufferable.  That being said...mmmhmmm...I think a lot of guys hate those big butts and thighs because they have small penises and can't reach.  At least she has her butt because that's probably the only talent she has.  I think it's a sad day when a pretty green-haired girl can't go to the bathroom on a public beach without having her photo posted all over the internet.  Sad days, people, sad days.
  
  Miley Cyrus was at the Hunger Games premiere this week and well she posed and did other stuff and I think that kid in the second photo says it best.  Just look at his side-eyes.  So this film series is going to be a movie that no one stops talking about for the next three years and it's already making me sick because I have basically seen the whole movie through gifs and photos on Tumblr.  Anyway, I think Miley's middrift dress stole the show.  I think Billy Ray summed her dress up best by saying, "A woman not proud of her baby feeders is about as useless as a coon trap at the bottom of a creek or a possum feeder in yankee territory but she best not be showing off her woman udders without no lacy up pushers otherwise she be getting a whooping."  I don't speak hillbilly.  COuld someone translate?
  
  Jon Hamm became my new hero when he said this this week: "Whether it's Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly."  Maybe I should start watching Mad Men.  Granted he's a little late to the Kim Kardashian bashing party, it's refreshing to see legitimately famous people calling out these whores for being fame whores who are cashing in on America's stupidity and willingness to believe everything they see on TV.  Cough cough mainstream news cough cough.  Talk about stupidity, I call those singles numbers advertised on TV and not once have I found anyone who wants to date me free of charge. 
  
  Christina Hendricks should watch out for Jon Hamm because he totally wants to nail her.  He said this in a magazine interview this week: "I can't say Mad Men has changed anything. It's a spike, a blip. I think Christina Hendricks is a beautiful woman, but we live in a culture where the beauty model is significantly different from Christina's silhouette. It shouldn't be - those of us who live in real life realise, especially as we get older, that beauty isn't just 22 years old, blonde, skinny with big tits. Those of us that have lived with and actually seen a real woman naked and made love realise there are many, many iterations."  It's official, this guy is my hero.  He dangles a compliment out there while at the same time calling her fat.  Don't fall for his Jedi mind tricks, Christina.  I bet it works.  Let me try.  I'd like to sleep with Olivia Munn and her fat, ugly knees. 
  
  Jessica Simpson said that she and her husband(?) have already named their 4 month old unborn daughter.  Jessica said that people won't think the name is nauseating but they will understand where it came from.  A family friend said this about the baby's name: "They tossed around a lot of names, including some wacky ones like Zinfandel, but couldn’t agree on anything.  They’re going to call her Maxwell, Maxi for short. Jessica wanted a name with meaning."  Maxwell is Eric’s middle name, and also his beloved grandma’s maiden name. Jessica has been wearing a diamond pendant of the letter M and has had monogrammed onesies made up.  She is also set to give birth on April 20th, which is three weeks early.  She has gained so much weight that the doctors think the baby will be so big that it might cause Jessica problems if brought to term.  OK, OK, OK...MAXI!  MAXI PAD?  Will the baby have wings?  I guess the name Kotex was out of line.  they might as well give her the middle name Pad because everyone is going to call her Maxi Pad.  MAXI PAD JOHNSON!  Jessica was also on Ryan Seacrest's radio show and had this to say about her sex life: "I am definitely 'feeling intimate and HOW! I'm kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever! He's always ready!"  I don't know why but I picture them going at it and a bag of the Taco Bell Doritos Taco Loco being involved.  Jessica probably just lays there and eats.  Hell, I'd probably do the same if those tacos were involved.  Remember when Jessica was a devout Christian and made such a deal about not having sex until she was married to Nick Lachey? 
  
  Hey, pretty ladies, Jerry Lewis turned 86 this week.  Glayhaywayven, blavenoyven, gloyvenshmoyven, glutenhoyway, and heyheyheywaywen, GLAVENHAVENMOYVENSCHLOYHEYY!
  
  Ladies, don't get your panties in a knot, George Clooney isn't into kinky handcuff games.  He just got arrested.  Sadly he wasn't arrested for attempted murder of the Batman series with "Batman and Robin".  He was arrested for protesting outside the Sudanese embassy in Washington D.C.  George and his father Nick Clooney had hoped to get arrested so they could bring awareness to what is happening in Sudan.  George's representative said this: "They were protesting the violence committed by the government of Sudan on its own innocent men, women and children. They were demanding they allow humanitarian aid into the country before it becomes the largest humanitarian crisis in the world."  After ignoring three warnings from police to leave (the embassy is private property), Clooney, his dad Nick, Martin Luther King III, NAACP President Ben Jealous, and reps Jim McGovern, Tom Andrews, and Jim Moran, were all handcuffed and led away to what can best be described as celebrity Guantanamo Bay AKA Holiday Inn.  I have to hand it to Clooney.  This is way more nobler than the time I got arrested for climbing a tree to peep into my neighbor's bathroom to protest her not having sex with me.  Maybe now Clooney should make a viral video to help people be an activist for something for a week or so and then go to Sea World and have a mental breakdown and get naked and masturbate in the middle of the street.  Yeah, the founder of Invisible Children, the campaign to bring awareness to Joseph Kony, was detained for being drunk and naked in public, masturbating, and vandalizing cars...I don't even want to know how a drunk, naked, and masturbating guy vandalizes cars. 
  
  Flava Flav turned 53 this week.  Honestly, I thought he had died.  I don't know why but when I saw it was his birthday the first thing out of my mouth was, "I thought he was dead."  I think it had something to do with him being arrested and not being on VH1.  I then researched what he was up to these days.  Flav has opened a fried chicken restaurant in Las Vegas called Flava Flav's House of Flavor.  Besides fried chicken the menu boasts collared greens, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and red velvet waffles.  Flav, like any good restaurant owner, said he has never tasted anything on the menu but unlike most celebrity restauranteurs Flav actually plans on working in the kitchen.  YEAH BOY!
  
  Bear Grylls was fired by the Discovery Channel this week because he didn't work on a couple of projects tehy wanted him to do.  The last episode of his show Man vs. Wild will air in November.  Somewhere, I bet Bear is sitting at a bar, crying, and sipping on a warm glass of piss.
  
  Avril Lavigne was interviewed by the TV show Extra this week and she wore a necklace that had the word "fuck" on it.  How edgy!  Avril laughs at society's rules.  She is so badass and doesn't play by anyone's rules.  By the way she is worth $75million and has 5 accountants on her payroll.  ANARCHY!
  
  Chuck Norris turned 72 this week.  Little known fact, Chuck Norris said he'd kick my ass if I didn't include his birthday in the round up so happy birthday, Chuck.  I still love watching Bruce Lee kick your ass in Way of the Dragon.
  
  Here's Coco doing some poses at some sort of event.  I think I finally understand why she poses like that.  Something is wrong with her butt and she is in dire need of some fiber or she needs a prostate exam.  Yeah, I never did do well in Biology class so I don't know what could be wrong with her.
  
  That guy's name is Nick Gordon and when he was 12 Whitney Houston took him in and raised him as her son even though she never legally adopted him.  The girl is Whitney Houston's troubled daughter Bobbi Kristina.  Bobbi called Nick "brother" and Nick called Bobbi "sister".  And now they call each other by another term..."lover".  TMZ posted photos of the two of them getting rather fresh with each other and Bobbi sporting what looks like an engagement ring.  Whitney's mother is supposedly disgusted by this tragic turn of events and feels that even though they aren't related by blood that this is an incestuous relationship and that Nick is taking advantage of Bobbi because of her fragile emotional state because Whitney left everything to Bobbi and they think Nick is just digging for gold.  Just a few years ago she was using that tongue to call him "brother" and now...I don't even want to know.  I know they aren't related by blood but that's still a little weird.  It's sort of like this guy I knew who married his step-sister.  I just don't know, when the term "sister" is involved I think that should automatically raise a flag that says "hands off".  I feel bad for that girl.
  
  I don't think the person who gave this photo of a dead Whitney Houston was in a charitable mood.  However Cissy Houston, Whitney's mother, confronted the family member and said the family member had a "come to Jesus" moment and the six figures they sold the photo for was donated to charity.  Whitney deserved to have a elegant send-off into the great beyond but someone in her family had to make a quick buck.  Wait...six figures, that's...wait...let me count...that's this many.  Shit.  I won't be the one to say when an entrepreneur can't make a little extra scratch.  This is America.  It's our right and our patriotic duty to make money and if it means taking out the old cellphone to take a few photos of corpse then snap, baby, snap just as long as you buy American made products with your dollars.  You wouldn't want to know what I'd do for six figures...ok, I'll just say it involves making my stage version of Weekend at Bernie's come to life.

  I hope you all have a good weekend.

  • 12:50 PM
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