March 21, 2012

• Motivation

  Will you marry me? Breathe if you want to get married or lick your elbow if you don’t want to get married.  Studies have shown that only 7% of people say they’ve found their soul mate so that means you should get used to settling and who better to settle for than me.

  Now that the desperation is out of the way, I woke up this morning looking forward to offending complete strangers on the internet.  Hope this post works.

  Because of rising gold prices, Pony Boy can only stay copper.

  Easter time is a perfect time to come to my house to see a display of racial harmony.  My candy jar is filled with black and white jelly beans. They happen to be my least favorite of all jelly beans but it’s nice to see them sitting together in my jar.

  Studies show that when black girls clap during an argument it makes their point 145% more correct.

  Every time I ride an elevator, I slowly turn and lift my head hoping that you’ll be there when the door opens.  It doesn’t happen.  I think I should stop dreaming and realize I’m going to be alone forever.

  Seriously…John Carter the movie is if every Creed album became a movie.

  I always wish opportunity would knock on my door but it always turns up to be a missionary trying to get me to join their church.

  My nude photos will never be released because I’ve never been nude.  I shower in my bathing suit.  I mean, I’m alone.  What happens if I slip and fall in the shower and break my hip and they come looking for me because I don’t show up for something?  Then I’ll be naked and helpless and my rescuers will take photos of me in my naked state.

  I wish I had a gospel choir following me around so they could sing back-up whenever I spoke. That would make me at least 500% sassier.

  There really is nothing more satisfying in life as taking a block of cheese and biting into it much like one would bite into an apple or an onion.

  Titanic 3D is going to be in theaters soon.  I have this sinking feeling that it won’t do well.

  I haven’t heard much about Kony this past week so it makes me wonder what my fellow white people have decided to care about now.  It’s interesting though because I don’t think this many white people have cared about anything transpiring in Africa since Mustafa died in The Lion King.

  If the Dream Police are inside my head they better have a search warrant.

  Playing poker for money is exciting.  Playing poker for clothing is erotic.

  The best form of birth control is scattering Legos all over your floor before you go to bed and then waking up in the night and stepping on them.

  I had motivation until life intervened.

  I figure it’s a good thing that I’m funny because I’m way too unattractive to maintain a social life.

  I bought a new hoodie so hopefully I’ll be able to win some rap battles.

  This week, ABC Family Channel greenlit a Home Alone 5movie.  I hope Macauly Culkin has a cameo but sadly he’ll probably end up playing a burglar looking to steal so he can score some meth and when they’re done shooting, he’ll ask, “When do we start filming?”

  You know you’re not a morning person when people say “Good morning” to you and you reply with “Go to hell”.

  I’m pretty sure what kills me doesn’t make me stronger.

  I’ve tried dieting, exercising, and pills to help me lose weight but I think the thing that has had the best effect is depression.

  If porn has taught me anything it’s that I have to hire babysitters when I have no children and that I should become a pizza delivery guy.

  When stoners break up they sue for joint custody.

  Until a girl breaks into my house demanding that we live together for the rest of our lives I can’t be sure if prayer works or if hell exists…one or the other.

  I think the hardest part of being white is denying that I enjoy John Denver.

  March 17^th is the only day that Applebee’s gets away with serving green meat.  If you see a girl wearing a shirt that says “Kiss me, I’m Irish” the chances are greater that she’ll give you herpes than her actually being Irish.  You don’t have to be Irish to march in a St.Patrick’s Day parade; you just have to be out of your mind.  St. Patrick’s Day is my favorite day of the year to celebrate my drinking problem.  And for those keeping score at home, green beer makes your vomit turn blue. 

  I think people get confused when reading some of these so I probably should add “LOL” at the end to let you know it’s a joke…LOL!

  And now here's your weekly dose of motivation...LOL

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Never allow yourself to be a second option because #2 is the codename for shit.

  I auditioned to be a sports commentator and they had me announce a basketball game.  They didn’t hire me because I said, “He really should’ve made that” after every single missed shot.

  I think the only reason girls take my number and put it in their cellphones is to know when I’m calling so they know when not to answer.

  It looks like summer is almost here and you know what that means…sunburn and boob sweat.  Who is excited for summer?

  I can always ease my pain with Taco Bell and by “ease my pain” I mean replace it with explosive diarrhea.

  My latest pick-up line not to work: Your inner thighs would look so cute next to my ears.

  Now that Peyton Manning is taking over as the Denver Broncos quarterback, Tim Tebow is weighing his options: cashier at McDonald’s or busboy at Applebee’s.  I also think this means Tim Tebow is the first person to leave a Mile High club a virgin.  Watch he’ll end up in Green Bay so he can learn from a real quarterback.  OK first Manning was with the Colts and now he’s with the Broncos. I wonder how long it’ll be before he has an affair with Sarah Jessica Parker.  Tim Tebow said that at the end of the 2011 season he prayed to God that the 2012 Denver Broncos season would be better and God answered his prayer by sending Peyton Manning.

  Never do your taxes after drinking.  I got back $1trillion, an F22, half of Kuwait, and the right to determine who wins the next presidential election.  I guess I’m responsible for bankrupting America.

  I like the new Axe body spray.  It’s like Armani Code with a hint of bowling shoe and desperation.

  The only thing I’ve lost as a result of watching The Biggest Loser is precious hours of my life.

  If you can’t tell the difference between “you’re” and “your”and “then” and “than”, than your idiot.

  I’ve been thinking about gay marriage and if they want to get married that’s OK with me as long as I’m invited to the reception and they have an open bar.

  Worst thing in the world? Trying to go to the bathroom after having sex.  It’s like someone put a rock in a fire hose.

  March Madness is always conflicting for me.  I’m not a fan of college basketball but I am a fan of gambling.

  Remember that thing I did that made everyone love me?  What was it again?

  “No, you should really go out and get some fresh air.  I’ll be here when you get back.” -Xanga
  

  One day I hope to the object of a Xanga crush.  By the way, what happened to Xanga Secrets?  I just hope that crush is good at crushing spiders.
  

  I’ve thought about creating a Bizzaro Xanga where everyone starts off as friends and you try your hardest to scare them off and the person with no friends is the winner.
  

  Only people on Xanga would get involved with a fight over________.  I left it blank so I can use this joke weekly.
  

  Xanga law: Never argue with idiots because they are too dumb to realize they are wrong.  Of course on Xanga both sides think the opposing view is idiotic so I guess that makes everyone who gets involved in Xanga flame wars idiots.

  • 1:09 PM
  • 44 Comments