March 26, 2012

• Let's Hear it for Haikus

  
  

  I’m stuck in a dream
  That I can never recall
  After I awake

  Candy cigarettes
  What the hell were they thinking?
  Worse than Joe Camel

  Smoking DMT
  Will make you question if you

  Even exist now.

  I was never born
  And therefore didn’t Die Hard
  Like Bruce Willis did.

  I filled your notebook
  With drawings of a cupid,
  Arrows in his heart.

  You smell nice today,
  Like burnt peanut butter chips
  Inside a shoe store.

  The sound of your voice
  Makes me believe in angels;
  Just kidding, demons.

  Now your hair looks nice,
  Like it was tied by mothers
  The whole world over.

  I’ve never met you.
  You live inside of my throat;
  It’s your turn to scream.

  February is
  a dynamic month for me;
  wonder what comes next.

  Oh yeah, March comes next
  With the best celebration:
  Drunken Irish Fest

  The cold nips my nose
  I feel the goosebumps rising
  And I want your warmth

  Where, oh, Valentine
  Might I find you in hiding…..
  You do not exist 

  the red roses smile
  just before execution
  on valentine’s day

  Red seams and leather,
  Cracking bats and snapping gloves.
  Sounds that herald Spring!

  I have a secret.
  Promise you won’t tell?
  I think I’m in love with you.

  I can not believe
  Not one person remembered
  My fucking birthday

  Awake and aroused,
  I am experiencing
  woes of morning wood

  My gnarly face hair,
  The place where some ask to sit,
  I am down with this

  Scientology
  Immortality for you
  Laughter for us all

  So many assholes,
  Girls won’t date you so you cry,
  Have fun with Jergens

  You get in my path,
  I wanna fornicate now!
  Not hungry for moss

  Pubic hair, the scourge
  Of a cunning linguist
  Nay! Cunnilingus!

  American Dad
  Oh shit, that took a whole line.
  Anyway: it’s on

  I wanted to love;
  wanted to be someone’s knight
  in shining armor

  I'm so romantic
  Candlelit dinners and farts
  Oops...wasn't a fart

  Boobs really are great
  I love playing with big boobs
  Just like bags of sand

  thank you very much
  Meryl surprised me last night
  She's a good actress

  I should teach haikus
  Just a college of haikus
  It'd be Haiku U.

  Thank you very much
  Haikus aren't complicated
  It's just addition

  I need cold showers
  Quit porn and self-love for Lent
  NEED MORE COLD SHOWERS!

  You really think so?
  My head is swelling right now
  Not that way, pervert

  Thank you very much
  There should be a haiku game
  It's Haiku Hero

  wet panties? you tease
  I am shocked you did not say
  The wash was not dry

  Men do not have boobs
  Well luscious breasts like women
  Flabby ones like me

  I can be thoughtful
  But most of the time I'm just
  Old Irreverent

  The truth about Chris
  Everybody should hate him
  He's despicable

  Oh yeah I wrote them
  And now I wrote one for you
  Comedy Central

  Winning is winning
  And for you, here's a mullet
  Achy breaky heart

  My throat really hurts
  Should have worn a winter coat
  Ow this really hurts

  In a tube you come
  A cream to help heal my wound
  It does not taste good

  I hope someone will
  one day call me his “old friend”
  like Alec Baldwin

  I cannot keep up;
  how often I forget my
  insignificance

  chewy bready crust
  sausage, cheese, peppers, onions
  it’s not delivery

  You would be surprised
  How many Nazis are on
  The site called Tumblr

  King of the Hill rules.
  That is all.  That boyain’t right.
  I will tell you what

  Hi, I sell propane
  And propane accessories
  Taste the meat, not heat.

  I think that one day,
  My heart and soul will be whole.
  Until then I weep.

  
  And we always giggled when we heard the planet "Uranus" and that's the way we liked it.
  
  I'd go to the theaters to see it.
  
  I don't know about you but I know who I'm voting for.
  
  This here is a cranberry bog near my home.  The next time you drink or eat a fine cranberry product from Ocean Spray, you are tasting me because I like to swim in those bogs.  That is all.
  
  
  
  That Draw Something app looks fun.
  
  #WisconsinProblems
  
  This should totally be the first in a line of abortion greeting cards because we seem so obsessed with it why not send out cards congratulating people.
  
  I bought it but she didn't buy my description of what it's for.
  
  Disney New Orleans was not a good idea.
  
  Jon Gosslein is unemployed and has found himself moonlighting as a vase.

  Well I hope everyone had a great weekend.  I felt pretty bad Saturday night and I woke up after a few hours of sleep and went to church.  It wasn't so bad after I got moving around but after I ate lunch the illness hit me and I slept all afternoon.  I woke up after a four hour nap and I have a cat sleeping on my shoulder and another cat sleeping in the small of my back and both were purring.  Magical healing powers?

  • 7:32 PM
  • 40 Comments