March 28, 2012

• Motivation

  I hate arrogant people because I am so much better than them.

  Now that it’s spring and will soon be summer it marks my least favorite season of the year…too sweaty to get a b.j. unless I shower season.

  Not only can unprotected sex be hazardous to your health, it can also be hazardous to your wealth. Kids are expensive with all their ipods and pokemans and Barbies and healing crystals.

  President Obama is to blame for high gas prices as much as I’m responsible for high beer and cheese prices.  But I still wish Obama would press his magic gas price reducer button.  It’s right next to the rain missiles on Russia, China, and Iran button.

  I’m at the age where I’ve finally learned that pleasing everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake and that’s why I continue to do these posts.  And the proof is in the next joke.

  A girl on Xanga once asked me if I prefer larger breasts over small breasts.  Frankly, it doesn’t matter.  As long as there’s a nipple that I can shove into my nose all sexy like then I am happy.

  Rick Santorum has released his three point economic plan and all three points are “send gays to prison camps”.

  One of the worst things that happens to me when I drink mixed drinks is that my drinks get watered down because of melting ice so what I do is take some nuts and bolts and stick them in the freezer and put those in my drinks instead of ice cubes.

  My neighbors got a new mailbox and I’m suspicious of their intentions.  This whole episode has really raised a red flag.

  I find it awesome that some of you are in the same time zone as me since I think the closest Xangan to me is over 3 hours away.

  I am working on a new thesis for a doctorate in political science.  My thesis is 100% of people who argue that Fords are better than Chevys and vice versa tend to vote conservative.

  So Tim Tebow is going to be working with Rex Ryan.  That ought to be fun since Tebow is a super-Christian and Rex Ryan curses like a drunken sailor on shore leave who lost all his money in a back alley poker game.

  When I was a kid I was a mobster.  I ran my school.  If you wanted to make a bet on the recess dodgeball, kickball, or races I was who you talked to but you had to be careful that I didn’t have the races or dodgeball and kickball games fixed.  If you wanted Spree,I had a black market of candy.  If you needed better grades so your parents wouldn’t ground you I broke teachers’ kneecaps.  Just the standard mobster things.

  A 9 year old had a baby and I can’t even get a girlfriend to hold my hand while we go shopping for patio furniture.  What the fuck is wrong with the world?

  I had a friend fill out an application for a new job for me.  I guess my parents and all my teachers were right.  I never apply myself.

  Every time I grab a bottle of Nestle water I hope it’s chocolate flavored.  It never is.

  A friend informed me that this weekend we are going to party like it’s my birthday.  I asked if that meant we’d be naked, screaming, and covered in amniotic fluids.  I lost a friend.

  After reading and watching The Hunger Games, I’m pretty sure Suzanne Collins is warning us about a future where Lady Gaga assumes power.  And FOX News says The Hunger Games is a warning about big government because we all know the Democrats are waiting to regain control of the House so they can push through legislation that would require each state to send two kids for a reality show where the kids kill each other.  You know what?  That may help us get out of debt.

  I think the reason I shop online is because it gives me about 5 to 7 more business days to stay alive.

  My crazy aunt just butt dialed me.  The weird thing is she only has rotary phones because she believes the button dials are a conspiracy to steal DNA and fingerprints.  She’s not well.

  I’m upset that my website “Hitlers who look like cats” never took off.

  I think the iPhone needs a pregnancy test app.  You piss on the phone and it tells you if you’re pregnant or not.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  George Zimmerman is said to be distraught over shooting and killing Trayvon Martin.  I know one way to not be distraught, don’t shoot people. Also to help with George Zimmerman’s depression, members of the Florida G.O.P. are going to amend the Stand Your Ground Law to include counseling for the shooter when they kill innocent people. It sucks to see that it takes the death of a black kid for Republicans to take the side of a Hispanic man.  If Trayvon Martin was killed because of his hoodie then I’m pretty certain Julius Caesar was killed because of his toga and Abraham Lincoln was killed because of his hat.  And I hear a lot of uncircumcised guys are going to the doctor to get circumcised because they don’t want to get shot for having a suspicious looking wiener.

  I think my favorite sex position is the fetal position.  It’s the one where you curl up in a corner and cry because no one loves you.

  Dick Cheney had his heart replaced this week.  Let’s have a moment of silence for the rabid hyena they killed for Mr. Cheney’s new heart.

  I actually like golf. It’s one of the best sports to play and drink beer while playing just like football, baseball, softball, badminton, and hopscotch.

  Guys, if you ever go to a classy place that has a bathroom attendant and you’re alone, tip the attendant $20 to tell everyone that you’re hung like a horse.  Word travels fast and soon you’ll be leaving with multiple women to disappoint in your hotel room.

  I will never go to a place that oil changes and lap dances ever again.  They only specialize in one and can’t do the other properly.

  You know it’s crazy that parrots can talk and that everything you do in life just leads to an eventual death.

  Here’s a shopping tip for single guys, buy healthy food to impress ladies and then have a couple of junk food items so you can tell women that it’s imperative you take care of yourself since you’re a single father.

  Suicidal cannibals are full of themselves.

  Why do guys worry so much if a girl spits or swallows?  That’s sort of like going to a restaurant and worrying about whether the plates are washed by hand or machine.

  I sometimes measure sex by how long I sit motionless in a post-orgasm daze before I close my browser.

  Ladies, if you want to land a guy like me all you have to do is rub your body with banana bread and have a never ending supply of beer…preferably Banana Bread Beer…and also not be mean.

  Ice cream truck music played in the bedroom may be the best form of contraception I know.

  Have you ever had a day so bad that you wished all your fingers were middle fingers?

  Some one told me that I post too much here on Xanga.  That’s sort of like telling The Beatles they made too much music.  The only difference is they made money and had talent and I fail at life.

  I think the funniest thing to ever happen on Xanga was have people friend me and then unfriend me in the same day.  I feel like I didn’t have a chance to truly offend them.

  New Xanga motto: Xanga, hate someone in a matter of minutes without the hassle of meeting them face to face.
  

  I should really get off Xanga and explore the world but I’m not really a fan of persons, places, or things.
  

  When people go around Xanga and say on posts that they’re offended by something in the post, what they are really saying is “I can’t control my own emotions so you do it for me by censoring what you post.”
  

  I think some people only have Xanga drama to validate their existence.
  

  Xanga proves that there is a fine line between social media and mental illness.
  

  If all you do on Xanga is complain about other people on Xanga then I can’t even imagine what a gem you are in real life.  And I am a hypocrite.

  • 11:25 PM
  • 48 Comments