March 31, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 3/30/12

  Another Friday night and here's another round-up.  The sad news is I didn't win the lottery but then I guess you have to buy a ticket to win.  Anyway...round up time
  
  

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Warren Beatty turned 75 today.  I've watched some of his films and he was a great actor but then after 1987's Ishtar, which may be one of the biggest box office flops of all time, his career took a downturn.  There may have been two movies after 1987 that people would consider "good".  I am on the fence with Dick Tracy and I did like Bugsy despite all it's inaccuracies.  Anyway I thought the my lady readers would appreciate this because I remember he was once considered a sex symbol.  Also celebrating birthdays today...Norah Jones(33), Celine Dion(44), Piers Morgan(47), Tracy Chapman(48), Ian Ziering(48), MC Hammer(50), and Eric Clapton(67).
  
  Adam Sandler was spotted swimming in Miami this week and I think it's time he confirms the rumors.  He hasn't had his period since Jack & Jill.  Adam Sandler is pregnant.  I watched Jack & Jill this evening because it was nominated for so many Razzie Awards and the awards are on Sunday.  I got 30 minutes in and I check to see how much time is left and my DVD player says 1 hour.  I sighed because 30 minutes felt like an eternity.  Oh it was so bad.  I feel bad for Al Pacino.
  
  Speaking of bad movies, it was announced this week that there will be a sequel to the 1988 comedy Twins which starred Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  The movie will feature Arnold, Danny, and Eddie Murphy as their long lost brother and the movie will be called Triplets.  Really?  Who wanted this?  At first I thought this was an April Fools Day prank because you can't spell Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Devito, and Eddie Murphy without A-P-R-I-L-P-H-O-O-L-S.  Sadly this isn't a joke.  Ivan Reitman is set to produce it.  Reitman has given us such hits as Meatballs, Ghostbusters, Stripes, Kindergarten Cop, Twins, and Ghostbusters II.  Why do we need this one?  It'd be like if someone decided that Clueless needed a sequel so they decided to call it Cluelesser.  In good sequel news, Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy was on Conan O'Brien the other night and announced there will be a sequel to Anchorman.  Then this morning he was on The Dan Patrick Show as Ron Burgundy and he said that filming was set to begin in 2013. 
  
  Here's Vannesa Hudgens on the set of Spring Breakers.  Does anyone have a clue when this movie is coming out?  I think this is going along the lines of The Hunger Games.  I've see so many still shots and gifs that I can piece it together without having to see it in the theaters.
  
  When I was five years old, my parents had to tear me away from my G.I. Joes and Transformers not multi-million dollar fashion deals.  Apparently, five year old Suri Cruise is such a fashionista that fashion designers are offering her millions of dollars to design clothes AT FIVE YEARS OLD!  However Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes(she was in Jack & Jill and she was so robotic just like real life after being brainwashed) have refused to let Suri sign any deals.  Xenudamnit, Suri is sure living the high life.  Since Suri is going to live her entire life in the lap of luxury I will now shit on her parade.  She will never know the pleasure when you wipe your butt with only the last two sheets of toilet paper in the house because you can't afford it and your Maxim magazine is really rough on the tuchus.  She will never know the pleasure you get from sliding under a neighbor's car and poking a nail through their gas tank because they blocked your driveway.  And she will never say the words, "I can't pay my rent this month but I am willing to make other arrangements."  My rent was never late and I haven't had nightmares for quite some time.  I am quite shocked they haven't let her sign a deal because Xenu needs more money to run his church.
  
  Steven Tyler turned 64 this week.  You know, I can finally see where they got the inspiration for the song "Dude Looks Like a Lady".  Those lips.  I wonder what brand of lipstick he used back in the day.  You know if that whole Aerosmith thing didn't pan out he could've always gotten work in as the Joker in a Batman movie.
  
  Quentin Tarantino turned 49 this week.  I really like the guy and I love his movies.  I don't think I could name any other director that uses such dialogue in movies.  Now accolades aside, what is it with the feet?  Of all the fetishes out there, I do not understand the feet fetish.  Maybe that's because my feet are ugly.  I look at them and I see callouses and dead skin not something like that so I don't understand how people can find feet attractive.  I think the only other fetish I don't understand is the whole infantile thing but that's for another post.
  
  Here's Paris Hilton at a performance by her boyfriend DJ Afrojack.  Out of instinct Paris put that long, hard, white thing in her mouth.  She knew there were cameras around to capture it.
  
  TMZ is reporting that Octomom was near foreclosure from her home so she did what any mom of 14 would do.  She posed nude for a tabloid magazine for $10,000.  She posed for Closer Magazine and they made a payment of $10,000 on her house.  I look at that photo and I can't help but think of Groucho Marx.  I hope you aren't throwing up yet.  Not only did she bare her body but she bared her soul in an interview.  She says she hides her beauty because men hit on her too much: "I get too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 - I live for them. I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off."  HAHAHAH...APRIL FOOLS...wait...she actually said that?  OK.  I don't think men are slobbering all over her with their eyes, they're looking for the nearest exit so she won't suck them in to her house and make them pay for her house.
  
  Last December, Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter rekindled their romance in Paris.  How lame!  Paris?  That's so cliche!  Every time a girl I'm interested in loses that spark with me, I jet us off to Paris.  If a dude like me does that, you'd expect more from the captain of the New York Yankees.  Well Derek Jeter and Minka have broken up once again.  I wonder why she isn't returning my phone calls.  It's because she's been seen around Hollywood with Wilmer Valderama.  Well, Minka's stock is dropping.  She definitely downgraded.  I guess there is no shame in being part of the ex wives of the New York Yankees club but there is plenty of shame in being part of the Wilmer Valderama plowed me and a dozen underage Disney starlets club.  I hear that t-shirt is flying off the shelves at Disney stores.
  
  It sounds like the Cyrus family is going to clear out the trailer park and have a whiskey fountain, dick shaped cakes, honey glaze roasted raccoon, squirrel kabobs, and pigs in blankets for a wedding banquet because Miley is supposedly engaged to Liam Hemsworth.  Earlier in the week Miley tweeted a photo of what appears to be an engagement ring and then she was spotted wearing the ring at an event later in the week.  I don't know.  It could be an engagement ring but more than likely it's a "Look at me, y'all" ring.  People close to Liam are saying he's embarrassed by her because of her behavior when they go to clubs.  Hmmm how can he be embarrassed by her at clubs since she's only 19?  She shouldn't be in any place where alcohol is sold unless it's a Walmart.  I think he just graduated from the Kevin Federline School of Gold Digging with honors.  You squirreled away all your money from The Hunger Games before she did something really embarrassing.  Sure you could've knocked her up and lived off Disney money for the rest of your life but you have goals and ambition and if you ever run out of money, take a page out of Ashton Kutcher's playbook by marrying an older, washed-up, actress who huffed up her SAG earnings. 
  
  We all knew this day would come.  Megan Fox is expecting the love child of David Silver Brian Austin Green.  An inside source told Star Magazine that the couple is incredibly excited but it's still early so they're only telling close family and friends.  I bet Megan's pregnancy goes just like Jessica Simpson's.  She'll talk about how she loves being pregnant because she can eat whatever she wants and how she loves deep friend candy bars covered in enchilada sauce and how she can fit ten deep fried cheese curds in her mouth at once and how they know her name at every fast food restaurant in a 25 mile radius and how she's built a fort in her house out of peanut butter and Nutella jars.  No, I'm kidding, Megan had some semblance of self-esteem.  I was completely caught off-guard by this news.  I was expecting the news to be delivered straight to DVD like most of her recent movies. 
  
  There are rumors going around that Marilyn Manson is dating Lana Del Ray.  A German tabloid is reporting that they have been spotted together in Germany and they have been seen sharing dinner, embracing in an elevator and apparently sharing his hotel room.  I sort of have a feeling that this story was written after a monkey was given darts and threw them at a dartboard filled with photos of celebrities and one dart landed on Marilyn Manson and the other on Lana Del Ray.  The only way this story can be true is if a monkey is involved.
  
  Is it me or do Kendra Wilkinson's breasts look like they are trying to run away.  Maybe she had magnetic implants and they are reacting.  Maybe she had a flashback to Hugh Hefner rubbing his withered hands on them and they are trying to escape her body.  Well I'll be damned, it's not just that first photo.  Here's another.  She was in Las Vegas hosting a spring break pool party.  I'm shocked they don't have her in Washington D.C. practicing to host the National Spelling Bee.  "cuh-cuh-cuh-cat!  The word is 'cat'."
  
  Here's a recent photo of Jessica Simpson.  Jessica and I have a lot in common.  We both love barbecue sauce, we both like beer, and we both have huge guts.  Remember when Beyonce gave birth and she had the hospital on secure lockdown?  Well Jessica is trying to outdo Beyonce and will basically turn the delivery room into Fort Knox.  When people come to visit Jessica after she's given birth to little Maxi Pad, friends and family will have to go to a private maternity wing that Jessica rented to sign in and go through multiple checkpoints in the hospital.  Jessica has hired 30 armed security guards to make sure she and Maxi Pad are safe because she's afraid of kidnapping and she doesn't want paparzzi snapping photos.  The security detail is set to run Jessica $1.3million.  She has already spent upwards of $2million on furnishings for Maxi Pad's nursery at home.  So let's say she's spending $3million on this baby.  Well, she's still going to profit off the birth because she has signed an exclusive photo deal for $4million.  That's an awful lot of money for a kid who already has been overexposed in my professional opinion.  Jessica's pregnancy farts are shaped like dollar signs.  The child only gives the parents a regional bump in popularity.  Beyonce is popular in El Salvador where she had a surrogate carry her baby and also Blue Ivy will be popular at the Grammy's and Source Awards.  Suri Curise will one day address the council of planets to implore the Klingons and Romulons to join the fight against Xenu.  Maxi Pad won't have that because Jessica really doesn't do much.  Maxi Pad will have to become famous the old fashioned way by being a professional realty TV star and professional chili eater just like her mother. 
  
  This is for @justjace because you made me remember her and a story surfaced this week about her.  This is Jan Crouch and I had to have this story after the Jessica Simpson story because Jan's hair matches Jessica's dress.  Jan is like the first lady of the Trinity Broadcasting Network, one of the biggest Jesus channels in America.  How could this goddess commit sin?  Well one of her granddaughters is accusing Jan and her husband, Paul Crouch, of skimming millions of dollars out of their Christian network to pay for their lavish lifestyle.  How could a Christian televangelist use donations from their followers to pay for their lavish lifestyle?  This never happens.  Their 26 year old granddaughter Brittany Koper(and after hearing that name I imagined Jan doing an Edward G. Robinson imitation saying "you'll never get me alive Koper") is suing Trinity Broadcasting Network for wrongful termination.  She was the CFO and claims that after she discovered her grandparents used donations to pay for their toys, she was fired.  She found out that Paul and Jan took money as a "loan" to buy a $50million jet for Paul and Jan, an $8million jet for Jan's personal use, 13 homes throughout the United States, and a $100,000 RV for Jan's dogs.  The dogs don't like flying apparently so they need to be driven around the country in the lap of luxury.  Brittany claims that when she told Paul and Jan that she was on to their scheme, they made her turn over her house, car, and life insurance policy as an act of contrition because she accused them of sinning.  Brittany then took the matter to the TBN board and she was promptly fired.  Lawyers from TBN say that Brittany is making these accusations to cover up the fact that her husband embezzled over $1million from TBN.  Oh and TBN made $92million in donations alone in 2010.  Remember, this is a church.  Yes, Jan Crouch swindled her followers out of their hard-earned cash by telling them she would use their money to feed the starving children of the world and instead used it to buy an $8 million private jet, but I'm sure they forgive her.  God doesn't fly commercial so neither should Jan and Paul Crouch.  Yes, most Christians believe that lying is a sin, but lying is not a sin when you're doing so in order to buy a cotton candy machine to whip yourself up a gorgeous head of hair every morning. It says so in the Bible....somewhere in Levitixodusoromy.
  
  Remember the 90s?  Remember TGIF on ABC?  Remember Family Matters?  Remember Steve Urkel?  I try to forget a lot of that stuff but Steve Urkel and Family Matters will always hold a place in my mind.  Well it turns out that the guy who played Urkel wasn't as squeaky clean as his character.  His exgirlfriend says he's a compulsive cheater and abuser.  His exgirlfriend told Radar that she confronted him with his cheating in May of 2010 and he responded by hitting her multiple times.  She then ran for the bathroom and he followed her and pushed her head into the toilet and broke the toilet and the water went everywhere.  The woman said that he was also verbally and emotionally abusive throughout their relationship.  She also claimed he was racist because he referred to her as "white trash".  Jaleel offered her $200,000 after he beat her to leave their child with him and leave the house.  She then took a trip with their child and when she returned all of her things were gone and she found out that Jaleel put them in a storage unit.  Jaleel White has been charged with nothing and denies everything.  I just imagine Jaleel being confronted with all of this and shown all the evidence and him saying, "Did I do that?"
  
  This may be the most bizarre story I've ever read or posted here but then it involves Gary Busey so there's no reason why I shouldn't expect it to be bizarre.  It all involves a fight over what heaven looks like.  See Gary knows a thing or two about heaven since he died on the surgery table in 1988 after a horrible motorcycle accident and while dead he claims to have been to heaven but came back when doctors revived him so when it came to filming a movie with a scene in heaven Gary had to a lot to offer.  For those of you who know me, I enjoy reading The Onion and The AV Club portion of The Onion.  Well this week's edition of The AV Club had an interview with Curtis Armstrong (He played Booger on Revenge of the Nerds) told a story about working with Gary Busey on the set of a movie where Busey's character is reincarnated as a dog.  Here's the story and these are Armstrong's words: "It was just what you’d imagine. That’s about the best way to put it. We were shooting this movie—which is a horrible movie—and he was supposed to come back from the dead. And he of course, Gary Busey, supposedly had done this—he’d been in an accident and died and came back. He showed up on a set made to look like Heaven, and he looked around and said, “I can’t play this scene.” They were three days behind at this point. But Busey said, “It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to Heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!” It was ridiculous. He was completely nuts about the design of Heaven.  But then on top of it, one of the guys playing an angel, had also died and come back. And this guy got into an argument with Busey about the way Heaven looked! The two of them wound up coming to blows and they had to send everybody home. So there you go. That’s what we were working with."  Gary Busey fighting with an actor in an angel costume about what Heaven looks like IS what Heaven looks like.  So to summarize, Gary Busey walked onto a set and claimed he couldn’t ACT like a PERSON WHO DIDN’T EXIST in a movie about a MAN WHO IS REINCARNATED AS A DOG because WHILE THEY DO HAVE COUCHES IN HEAVEN, THEY LOOK DIFFERENT THAN THIS COUCH at which point another actor DISAGREED WITH HIM until they both were SENT HOME AS ADULTS.  I have the best idea for a TV show.  We just have Curtis Armstrong tell this story for a half hour every week.  I would so watch it.  Forget that, we need a show about Gary Busey.  THIS IS INSANE!
  
  Bill Haverchuck is pleased because Dallas is coming back to TV and from the looks of the promo poster it looks like they're trying to win Photoshop awards.  There's Linda Hamilton, Josh Henderson, Larry Hagman, Jordana Brewster, Patrick Duffy, Jesse Metcalfe(who was recently at the local casino), Brenda Strong, and Julie Golanzo.  So basically this seems like it'll be a sequel to Desperate Housewives but will be centered around oil instead of mediocrity.
  
  Last year, there was plans for a "Carrie" remake and Stephen King said he'd want Lindsay Lohan to star in a movie based on one of his books and he wasn't talking about her starring as the rabid dog in "Cujo".  He wanted her to play Carrie in the 10,000th remake of "Carrie".  Well this week the director of the 10,000th remake of "Carrie", Kimberly Pierce, announced that the 15 year old Chloe Moretz would play the titular role instead of the 55 year old looking Lindsay Lohan.  Jodie Foster and Julianne Moore are rumored to be the front-runners for the role of Carrie's mom.  I always loved the original version of that movie but I never saw any of those horrible remakes or sequels.  I don't know why they can't leave things alone.  The next thing you know they'll be remaking Child's Play...wait they are...The Crow...ditto...Dune...yes...The Evil Dead... uh-huh...Godzilla... yeppers... Highlander...check...Mortal Kombat...yes...Oldboy...sure enough...Robocop...affirmative...Scarface...si... Short Circuit...aye aye...Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...by all means...Tomb Raider...certainly...Total Recall ...indubitably...The Twilight Zone...naturally...The Warriors...yes...ok so they're remaking everything.
  
  Amy Sedaris turned 51 this week.  She's a pretty funny gal.  I love Jerri Blank.  If you ever have a chance check out Strangers with Candy. 
  
  THIS IS THE FIRST PHOTO OF BLUE IVY CARTER!  YOU CAN SEE THE BACK OF HER LEGS!  OMG!
  
  Amy Winehouse's parents hit the lottery and like me they didn't buy a ticket.  Records show that Amy left an estate valued at $4.6million.  She died and left assets totaling nearly$7million and after all her debts were paid her parents inherited $4.6million because she had no will and her father was manager of her estate.  Her husband Blake gets nothing because they divorced in 2009.  That is sort of sad.  I guess I should get my shit together because I don't know what my parents will do with baseball cards, Simpsons figures, cds, dvds, fishing poles, guns, piano, humidor, stereos, tvs, and cats. 
  
  I saw this photo of Coco and I have to ask, are those pants painted on?  Holy crap!  I am sorry.  I'm just so alone and thinking about that will.  I have no one.
  
  Here's a shocking turn of events, Adrianne Curry posted photos of her non-nude breasts on Twitter.  The fascinating thing about her is that she is a virtual nobody except for winning a modeling reality show, being on another reality show, marrying Peter Brady, and then being on more reality shows yet she gets so much attention because she posts photos of her breasts on Twitter.  I haven't posted much of her photos lately but I realized how alone I am so I had to post these.  Oh and they aren't even her breasts.  They are implants.  I guess that way if anyone judges her photos she can blame the plastic surgeons.  It amazes me that someone who does nothing, offers the world nothing, has no interesting thoughts or opinions, who is only known because of a series of reality shows when reality shows were just starting, can lure thousands of people to sign-up to her and wait around for pics like this.  And I wait like a dog wanting to go outside.  Sigh.

  Have a great weekend.  And if you haven't yet, go wish Tallman a happy birthday.

  • 6:02 PM
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