April 21, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 4/20/12

  Have you ever had a dream that felt so real you thought it actually happened?  Well I've had that more times than I can count but tonight was different.  After I posted my last pulse I decided I needed to take a nap.  I fell asleep for a half hour or so but the sleep made it feel like I slept for the entire weekend and in that weekend I met a Xangan.  god...Xanga dreams.  Anyway when I woke up it felt like Monday morning so I decided to send a quick email to the Xangan who visited me to thank that person for giving me a fantastic weekend.  I had the screen open and started typing and then it hit me, it was a dream.  I deleted and ended up spending my night watching a Waltons marathon.  OK time for the round up
  
  

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Vanessa Hudgens was at Coachella last weekend and that was her "outfit".  So it looks like she was trying to paint with all the colors of the wind and wound up doing a massive amount of ecstasy instead.  I've seen 3rd graders make better headdresses with pigeon feathers, old belts, and construction paper.
  
  And while I'm talking about Coachella, Tupac Shakur rose from the dead and performed.  Actually it was a hologram of Tupac that performed with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg and those two saw the commercial success i.e. DOLLAR BILLS Y'ALL and have decided to go on tour with Zombie Tupac.  They plan on doing a huge tour with many other rapers(typo stays) including 50 Cent and Eminem.  I still think Tupac should do a concert with Jem and the Holograms.  Now there are other hologram concerts in the work...Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, and Michael Jackson.  Please can we let these people remain dead instead of reanimating their corpses.  Just let them rest in peace.  I guess I'd be singing a different tune if I could somehow market a successful hologram show of me, John Belushi, and Chris Farley.  I'd call it "Three Fat Guys Talk about Stuff".  I would've included the video instead but Coachella claimed all the copyrights to the videos shot.
  
  This week it was announced that two men, Christopher Johnson and Nathaniel Claybrooks, were filing a racial discrimination lawsuit against the producers of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  The claim that they went to an audition and were pushed to the side and weren't offered the audition and they say it's based on race because in the 23 seasons of that show there has never been a non-white Bachelor or Bachelorette.  Holy shit!  23 seasons.  I can't believe that mess.  The other thing I can't believe is that people go on these shows thinking they're going to find true love.  I think only 2 couples out of 23 are married.  WTF!  I watched this show once because I was trying to impress a girl.  Most all of the contestants had the personalities of dandruff and those balls of deodorant that get stuck in your armpit hair.  And here's a quote from the creator of The Bachelor when asked a couple of years ago if there will ever be a Bachelor or Bachelorette who isn't white: "I think Ashley is 1/16th Cherokee Indian, but I cannot confirm. But that is my suspicion! We really tried, but sometimes we feel guilty of tokenism. Oh, we have to wedge African-American chicks in there! We always want to cast for ethnic diversity, it’s just that for whatever reason, they don’t come forward. I wish they would."  Also, when is someone going to step in and sue them for the rose genocide that goes on when all those stupid men and women thinking they can find true love on a game show are given roses.  They are driving up rose prices everywhere.
  
  I can't believe Taylor Swift is getting acting work.  I saw that mess that was called Valentine's Day and her acting can best described as stiff as a concrete erection.  She made Taylor Lautner's acting look human.  Well Taylor has been offered a role in a movie to play Joni Mitchell.  It's a movie called Girls Like Us and will be about Joni, Carole King, and Carly Simon.  An actress named Allison Pill is rumored to be playing Carole King and I bet they'll get Selena Gomez to play Carly Simon.  What is with this trend of getting singers of today to play singers of the past?  There's rumors that Rihanna has been offered a movie role as Whitney Houston.  What's next Miley Cyrus as Karen Carpenter?  Ke¢ha as Janis Joplin?  Why don't they just get a hologram of Joni Mitchell to play Joni Mitchell?  Or maybe Hologram Tupac could use some work.
  
  I've been practicing my mind reading skills and I can read Selena Gomez's mind in this photo.  She's saying, "Why me?  Where did I go wrong?  Why is my boyfriend having a playdate with a more age appropriate girl?  I wonder what that dad is doing after this game.  He is a total DILF.  Why is that fat guy reading my mind?"
  
  "Rowdy" Roddy Piper turned 58 this week.  He was always one of my favorite wrestlers.  I used to love his segment called Piper's Pit.  He was so good with the mic and he had some memorable quotes in his wrestling and acting career.  "Just when you think you know the answers, I change the questions."   "I don't wear a skirt. I wear a kilt. A kilt is what a Scotsman wears. A skirt is what your daddy wears to the cocktail lounge."  "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."
  
  Rihanna was at Coachella last weekend and MTV UK posted this photo of Rihanna sitting on some guy's shoulders with some unknown substance on his head.  MTV insinuated that she is doing cocaine.  What didn't help Rihanna is that she posted this photo on Twitter and once people questioned about the substance she deleted it.  Some people speculate that she was rolling a joint on his head.  Well Rihanna responded on Twitter to MTV in a graceful manner: "@MTVUK = PATHETIC CUNTZ".  So the consensus is that she has cocaine on that guy's head and she just made Time's list of the 100 most influential people.  Kids, if you let Rihanna influence you, you will at some point end up in jail. 
  
  Octomom has sworn that she'd do just about anything for money except hardcore porn.  However she may be willing to engage in phone sex.  This week the creator of an awesome thing called Dial-A-Star was on the Howard Stern show and he got talking about the roster of stars that offer their services.  Yes, for a fee of anywhere from $5 to $20 a minute you can talk to celebrities such as the guy who played the gay mafioso on The Sopranos to Tailor Made of VH1 dating reality shows to Jeremy Jackson of Baywatch to Tila Tequila.  That is some messed up shit.  Tila Tequila costs $10 a minute whereas Jeremy Jackson costs $15.  Well Howard decided to give it a try and he called up Octomom for $14 a minute.  I was going to transcribe what they said but I can't figure out half the things she says so here's the link to the video.  Howard tried to turn it to phone sex but she sounded like she was strung out on caffeine pills.  The creator of this site said they are in negotiations for Octomom to put on solo sex shows.  Howard asked about that and she said she'd have to think about it and she wouldn't offer her body to anyone on camera because she doesn't want to have her children resent her.  But she'd be willing to double click her mouse for many to see and that would be ok?  Also I think her kids are going to resent her either way. 
  
  PETA almost was one person closer to their goal of wiping every single person off the earth so all the animals can roam free without any humans to bother them and before all the humans are dead the last remaining member of PETA will kill a few thousand animals just for fun or whatever reason PETA has killed 27,000 animals in the past few years.  Miley Cyrus was rushed to the hospital after severely slicing her finger while cooking something from a gluten free vegan cookbook that PETA sent her.  The military got an idea from this.  They plan on dropping PETA cookbooks in the mountains of Afghanistan so Al Qaeda will either injure themselves preparing the recipes or shot themselves so that animals can roam free without human interference.  The only downside to this plan is that we would have to teach them how to read first.  Miley also received bad news this week concerning her movie LOL which is supposed to be a transition into more adult acting...not that kind perv...the kind of acting that doesn't have a giant mouse standing behind the camera counting his shekels. The production company has spent all their time and energy on promoting The Hunger Games and have put LOL on the back-burner.  They say it lacks any marketing hook so they don't really know how to or when to release it.  This movie can't be released direct to DVD because of something in the contracts.  The movie has only been promoted by Miley once and that was via a tweet.  Well I think we have found a front-runner for this year's Razzy awards.
  
  Oh, Madonna is raiding her daughter's closet for clothing.  How cute!  And by cute, I mean pitiful.  Madonna said in an interview how she loves wearing Lourdes' Converse shoes.  Well Converse just became lame.  Sorry about that hipsters and punk rock posers.  Old lady Madonna made Converse jump the shark.  Yes, I know you love them, you carbon-copied, Starbucks-chugging, mustache-grooming, hopelessly addicted to fashion followers hipsters, but it is over.  Converse sneakers are now bowling shirts and Ed Hardy clothing and should be in the bargain bin at Walmart. 
  
  That is Jonathon Frid.  He passed away last Friday, the 13th, at the age of 87.  He was the original Barnabas Collins on the show Dark Shadows.  He made that show because of that character.  It was originally just supposed to be a recurring role but soon he became the center of the show.  I was going to say I'm sort of glad he didn't have to see the crap that is being forced down our throats by Tim Burton and Johnny Depp but Frid had a cameo appearance.  He will be greatly missed.
  
  This is Hillary Clinton partying in Colombia.  I thought it was sort of funny to see her letting loose and I'm sure she's being criticized on some news networks and I figure if she had an R behind her name she'd be criticized.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  The only thing America manufactures these days is outrage.  She has a high stress job so she needs to unwind.  At least she doesn't spend a majority of her time in office on vacation.
  
  OK, point A on this map is Stella McCartney's store in West Hollywood.  Point B is a restaurant named Madeo's.  Such a long distance between the two, right?  It's like some sort of Lawrence of Arabia epic journey going on between the two destinations.  How could we expect a celebrity the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow to make that journey on foot?  There was a party at Stella McCartney's store for the launch of Paul McCartney's new music video.  Then a bunch of the celebrities in attendance decided to have dinner at Madeo's.  Some of those people were Miranda Kerr, Orlando Bloom, Amy Smart, and Jane Fonda.  Well Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin had their chauffeured Lincoln Town Car pull up and take them 0.06 miles from point A to point B.  The funny thing about this is that Gwyneth has done public service announcements about environmentalism and she's also promoted green living.  I bet the sidewalk was too dirty for precious Gwyneth.  It has to be power washed with bottled water for her to set foot on a commoner sidewalk.  I guess a common sidewalk isn't good enough for her environment.
  
  Gerard Butler has been out of rehab for like ten seconds and he was spotted at Coachella.  That place is pretty rough if you are a recovering addict.  There's an abundance of drugs floating around.  But to Butler's credit, he wasn't spotted doing any drugs.  He was just spotted picking up a woman and taking her to a port-a-potty after the did some good old-fashioned bump and grind dancing.  Apparently she was like his 15th choice.  Paparazzi spotted him hitting on woman after woman and finally one acquiesced and did some dancing and then they went to a port-a-potty because nothing says romance like the smell of other people's excrement and that nasty blue water.  There's something poetic about that.  I'm sure Shakespeare had that in mind when he wrote his love sonnets.
  
  George Takei turned 75 this weekend.  I dig the guy.  He's funny and has a pretty swell Facebook account.  I just have a sneaking suspicion that that food wasn't the only thing the guy in the blue fed him.
  
  Dick Clark passed away this week at the age of 82.  I'm pretty sure that you've heard a lot about his life and legacy so I won't bore you with that and I won't bore you with the joke about the Mayan calendar being correct because without Dick Clark there can be no New Years.  Clark will be greatly missed.
  
  Courtney Love ditched her fake Twitter account(see even insane celebrities make multiple accounts on social network sites just like regular old peons on Xanga except Courtney didn't make 30+ accounts) and wrote to Frances Bean through her regular Twitter account.  She said that she was sorry for believing gossip and said that mommy loved her.  Wow, Courtney had a moment of clarity.  Shit...the Mayans were right.
  
  Conan O'Brien turned 49 this week.  He is getting pretty old so I guess it's no wonder he works only 4 nights a week.  I'm still thankful for his video of old time baseball that was linked to The AV Club when he had his short-lived run as the Tonight Show host on NBC.
  
  From one Coco to another.  Coco was spotted walking her dogs this week.  No shirt can contain her nipples and no pants can handle her camel toe.  Artists need to capture her beauty.
  
  This is Anthony Hopkins as Alfred Hitchcock for a new movie about the making of the movie Psycho.  Looks like someone is dusting off his mantle making room for another Oscar.  If you think the G.O.P. is waging war on women, you need to watch a Hitchcock movie and then you'll see the G.O.P. has a long way to go.  That guy had murder/rape fantasies in most every movie involving a woman.  It was brutal to be an actress in a Hitchcock movie.  The movie features Hopkins as Hitchcock, Scarlett Johansson as Janet Leigh, James D'Arcy as Anthony Perkins, and Jessica Biel because no movie can have too good of acting.
  
  A representative for Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer announced that they are expecting a child.  Sookie and Vampire Bill are going to have a baby.  They are finished filming the next season so we aren't going to get to see a pregnant Sookie...darn.  That would make for some interesting True Blood.  I'm happy for them because when something feels right and it's what you want then it doesn't matter how you get there or how long it took to get there.  That is why after I press "save changes" I'm taking a drive to go get a Big Mac or a Double Quarter Pounder meal.
  
  A source close to Amanda Bynes told RadarOnline that Amanda is getting sick of all the comparisons to Lindsay Lohan.  She said that it's unfair since she wasn't busted for possession of illegal drugs and that she is taking her DUI seriously.  Yeah, taking it seriously when a week after the arrest she was spotted leaving a bar and getting into her car, running up on the curb while texting on her cellphone.  Amanda is also upset because she thinks she's getting picked on because she's a woman.  Let's see the tale of the tape.  Both Amanda and Lindsay are former child actors, both haven't been in a film since 2010, both are nowhere near as hot as they used to be, both like to party, both have slept with Wilmer Valderama(I'm not 100% sure about him sleeping with Amanda but the odds are in my favor), and both have been arrested for DUI and then were spotted clubbing within the next few days.  Yes, all of these jokes I've made are an attempt to bring down the modern day feminism movement by linking these two 20 something train wrecks together.  How did she figure it out?  Well I think it's easy because Lindsay has been going around saying she wants to be Amanda's mentor.  Lindsay has been attempting to get Amanda to sit down for a talk about what's going on.  SWEET LORD MY PRAYERS ARE BEING ANSWERED!  Lindsay Lohan is going to sponsor Amanda Bynes.  I think I'm going to take the summer off and go follow these two around.  Just imagine all the money I could make on the book and movie deals.  Think of all the trouble they will get into when LINDSAY FUCKING LOHAN IS THE VOICE OF REASON!  This is going to be a combination of Apocalypse Now, The Matrix, Requiem for a Dream, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
  
  And while we're on the topic of Lindsay Lohan...she was spotted at Coachella despite being warned by a judge to avoid clubbing.  Apparently "avoid clubbing" to Lindsay meant "go to Coachella a place filled with booze and drugs" and "start bar fights".  I guess they sound alike if your brain is as pickled as Lindsay's.  Lindsay thumbed her nose at the judge because she thought Coachella was a music festival and not a bar and she only planned on going there for music.  Coachella is way worse than a club plus THERE'S A CLUB AT THE COACHELLA FESTIVAL!  Lindsay was spotted walking around wearing high heels that make supermodels squeamish and get hurt on walking on a flat catwalk.  Coachella is in a field and it seems like Lindsay was trying to break her ankles so she could stay in bed all day hopped up on Vicodin and Oxycontin...clever girl.  Also, a week ago, Lindsay was at a club(where else) called Smoke and Mirrors.  While at the club Lindsay got into a shouting match with another girl.  The girl ended up having a drink thrown at her.  Here's the kicker, Lindsay was with her dad.  Lindsay and Michael Lohan are both known as rocks of sobriety and I'm sure they were sitting at this nightclub drinking Shirley Temples.  I expect that soon we'll hear, "I'm honestly sorry, judge, I didn't mean to steal the police car and drive it into the ocean but this mean bully at the bar got in my face and made me spill my drink in her face."  Also, Lindsay may lose her role in the Elizabeth Taylor movie because she wasn't to undergo any Botox injections.  Well on the flight from L.A. to New York the changes in pressure did a number on her face and the producers were horrified at her appearance.  I hope she can keep that job because a source close to Lindsay is also reporting that she is nearly $3million in debt.  Well, duh!  If I lived the life she lived and had no discernible work, I'd be in millions of dollars of debt too.  Her work with Playboy netted her nearly a million dollars but that didn't cover all her debts.  So if Lindsay is in debt and can't afford to get Botox injections how is she getting these procedures?  My only guess is that she's going to places that offer the cheapest procedures or she offers to pay in trade.  If 4 years worth of these posts have told you anything it's that Lindsay Lohan is incapable of going to the bar and not doing something completely stupid.  She just can't help herself.  She lives in a world where it's 2003 and she's a superstar and everyone bows down to Lindsay Lohan and no one knows she has a drug habit and she'll drop to her knees if she knows your holding.  She is an idiot with no perspective on her life and one of these days she's going to wind up dead in a ditch with her panties shoved down her throat and a tire iron shoved where the sun don't shine.  In other news, this one channel, Investigative Discovery Channel, shows some weird shit at night and I can't help but write it when I write about Lindsay Lohan.
  
  A couple of days ago I posted a pulse about how a college classmate had his church featured in the new Nicolas Sparks movie The Lucky One starring Zac Efron.  Well it turns out the classmate, who is a pastor, plays a pastor in the movie.  There he is with Zac Efron.  Zac is a pretty tiny guy.
  And then there's Mel Gibson...thus is Joe Eszterhas' audio recording of one of Mel's rants.
  
  Have a great weekend.

  • 3:47 AM
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