May 12, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 5/11/12

  Have you ever had to crack your knee and ankle so bad because they were so stiff but you were fearful of doing so because you may tear ligaments?  I love having no cartilage in my knees.  Round up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Maurice Sendak passed away at the age of 83 in the past two weeks.  He was probably best remembered for writing and illustrating Where the Wild Things Are.  He had other immensely popular books but I will always remember that one.  I think it was the first book I ever read.  I remember one of my greatest joys in doing these celebrity round ups was in last October when I stumbled upon an interview that Maurice did.  I wrote about it here.  Sendak will be truly missed and I'm hoping he's enjoying a wild rumpus in a better place.
  
  Junior Seau, a former player with the San Diego Chargers of the NFL, died in the past two weeks at the age of 43.  I was truly saddened by Seau's passing.  He was always one of my favorite players mostly because he played with such intensity and tenacity.  I think what saddened me the most was seeing his mother pleading with the media to let her son rest in peace but then less than 2 hours later they are dragging his name through the mud accusing him of abusing steroids and also playing through concussions.  I was saddened that for the days after his death they weren't remembering him as a great player but as just another statistic of players who have ended their lives because of brain problems.  I just wished they'd let his family grieve before they started doing all of that.  Seau will be greatly missed but ESPN is salivating over potential ratings with his story.
  
  Within the past two weeks, George "Goober" Lindsey passed away at the age of 83.  He was probably best known for his character Goober Pyle on The Andy Griffith Show, Mayberry RFD, and Hee-Haw.  I think that character was one of the most memorable characters of the 60s but then I am quite a fan of The Andy Griffith Show.  Then he had that iconic hat. Lindsey was also quite the fundraiser and he raised millions of dollars for the Alabama special Olympics.  Goober will be greatly missed.
  
  Vidal Sassoon passed away this week at the age of 84.  He was an innovator when it came to hair and hair styles for women.  I was reading about this guy and how he was considered a rock star and pioneer of the hair world because of his "wash and wear" philosophy when it came to women's hair.  He had hair salons that bear his name and a line of products.  I remember all the commercials he did in the 80s for the salons and products.  I'm not much of a person who styles his hair but I guess what I do is pretty much the wash and wear.  I wash and then whatever it looks like after I dry off is what I go with.  Sassoon will be missed.
  
  And the last bit of bad news from the past two weeks, Adam Yauch, better known as MCA of the Beastie Boys, passed away in the past two weeks at the age of 47 after a 3 year battle with cancer.  It seems like my childhood is being torn apart.  I still remember the first time I heard the song that launched The Beastie Boys career, "Fight for Your Right to Party".  I was in kindergarten or 1st grade and one of the upper-graders, I think he was in 7th or 8th, had a boombox and when we were lining up for lunch or recess he pulled the boombox out and started playing that song in the hallway and trying to rap along with it.  I didn't really hear the kid but I remember the song and at that point in my life I couldn't remember hearing anything so powerful.  It was amazing.  I also had respect for the group when they stood their ground denouncing the war in Iraq at a time when that was an unpopular opinion.  MCA was such a great person and that could be seen in that the Dali Lama issued a statement mourning the loss of Yauch.  There was a rumor floating around a few weeks ago that he was cancer free but it wasn't true.  Cancer is a fucking bitch.  Maybe we should cut down on bomb making and try to look for a cure.
  
  OK now that all the sad stuff is out of the way...what the fuck was Tom Brady thinking?  I know he is a fan of Favre and Favre was in "There's Something about Mary" and there's a scene in that movie where Cameron Diaz's character unknowingly uses semen for hair gel.  Do you think Brady used semen to make his hair look like this?
  
  FOX is going to air a TV gameshow this week that is being described as a mash-up between The Voice and The Dating Game.  The show will be called The Choice and celebrities will sit in swivel chairs with their back turned to people looking for dates and they will pick them out based on what they hear and not what they see.  The list of celebrities is a who's who of "whatever happened to...".  Some of the "celebrities" include Joe Jonas, Pauly D of The Jersey Shore, Romeo (child rapper and actor), Dean Cain (former TV Superman), Tyson Beckford (male model), Rima Fakih (Miss USA), Carmen Electra, Sophie Monk (Australian Paris Hilton), Rob Kardashian, Rocco DiSpirito (celebrity chef), Warren Sapp (former NFL player), Finesse Mitchell (former Saturday Night Live cast member), Jeremy Bloom (Olympic skier), Jason Cook (soap opera guy), Michael Catherwood (Loveline host and contestant on Dancing with the Stars), Seth Wescott (Olympic snowboarder), Parker Young (some guy on some new comedy), Ndamukong Suh (current NFL player), Robert Nettles (plastic surgeon), Taylor Hicks (winner of American Idol), The Situation of The Jersey Shore, Rob Gronkowski (current NFL player), Steven Lopez (Olympic martial arts fighter), and Hope Dworaczyk (Playboy model).  It's almost like if I believed in one-night stands and when I'd think about who is who I would draw nothing but question marks.  Considering some of the celebrities, I hope the contestants are given penicillin and valtrex as prizes.
  
  Here is a promotional photo for the movie Spring Breakers.  I think this movie is going to be a blockbuster but the thing is, I have no clue when it will be released.  I've been talking about it since February but I haven't heard anything about when it hits theaters.  Maybe it's just a grand scheme to keep me distracted and derail my bid for U.S. Senate oh well, boobs are awesome.
  
  Sofia Vergara is single.  She was spotted at events in the past week all alone and when asked where her boyfriend was she said that they had broken up.  Oh man, I am here for you, Sofia.  You can put your head on my shoulder or maybe I could put my head on your...ahem...you know her exboyfriend Nick Loeb is sort of dumb but this is the low point in his life and everything from here on out is uphill.  He could get arrested for blowing a homeless guy behind a fast food restaurant and people wouldn't talk about him blowing a homeless guy behind a fast food restaurant but they'd bring up the time he was stupid for breaking up with Sofia Vergara.
  
  This is Shemar Moore.  This photo is for all the ladies who week in and week out read my blog and see me plastering half-naked women around.  You have to realize that I'm alone and well I love all you people with two X chromosomes.  You are just awesome for me.  I love you people.
  
  I came across a story this week about singer Rufus Wainwright and Bea Arthur and it shows us why we have to love Bea and why Bea Arthur should be canonized by the Catholic Church and be made the patron saint of bitches.  Well Rufus is a huge fan of The Golden Girls, probably one of Bea's most memorable roles...seriously, I bet if I said Bea Arthur more people would associate her with The Golden Girls instead of Maude.  Anyway, Rufus went to Bea at a party and he said, "I'm sorry to bother you, and I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I was going through a rough patch and Golden Girls brought me so much entertainment and comfort. It really helped me get through the bad spell.You're so wonderful. You made me feel like you're my grandmother."  He said that Bea then looked at him and leaned in and whispered in his ear, "I'm not your fucking grandmother."  They say when you meet people you idolize it usually leaves a bad taste in your mouth but this is awesome because wouldn't it be more memorable to be proverbially bitch-slapped by your idol?  I think what would've made it even better is if she took one of her scarves and slung it over her shoulder and exited stage left.
  
  Robert Downey Jr. was on the Jay Leno show in the past two weeks and he debuted a photo of his infant son and he announced the boy's name.  It's Exton Elias.  That sounds sort of like a villain's name.  Maybe Downey is sick of playing the superhero.
  
  People had thought Rihanna had wised up and finally had gotten Chris Brown out of her system when she went on a vacation with NFL player Darren McFadden a few weeks ago but people close to Rihanna say that she was just doing that to make Chris jealous and to try to win him back.  She is upset that this isn't working so she's been posting photos of herself on Twitter wearing McFadden's jersey but Brown isn't having any of it.  I'm trying to figure out why Rihanna is letting Darren McFadden get all up on her to make Chris Brown jealous.  Anyone who is a fan of the NFL knows McFadden plays for the Raiders and the Raiders can't beat anyone.  Maybe wearing the Raiders jersey is sending a message to Chris Brown that she doesn't mind getting beaten on a weekly basis like the Raiders.  Maybe to make him jealous she should hook up with other famous ladies men like O.J. Simpson and Mike Tyson.  I really don't get why someone goes back to someone who beats them.  I never will get that.
  
  Oh Paris...Paris Hilton is so image conscious so when I see her like this looking like crap by Paris Hilton standards in public it makes me warm and tingly but then it could just be the beer I drank or the mushrooms I found growing under my couch.
  
  With 15 mouths to feed, no source of steady income, only receiving $4000 a month in assistance, losing her house, and owing creditors over $1million, Octomom Nadya Suleman has decided to do porn instead of selling some of her kids to Angelina Jolie.  She had two options: declare bankruptcy or masturbate on camera.  Well Octomom has decided to strum the banjo.  Remember a while back when she was offered $1million to do a porn and she refused because she doesn't like human contact and it goes against her morals?  Apparently playing with oneself is OK and not really porn.  I also seem to remember a while back when she just had her babies when she said she was celibate and hadn't even touched herself in over a decade.  You know that photo that flew around the internet that said, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten"?  Yeah, this is what it was talking about right here.  Well this is supposedly a still shot from the movie.  She went through it because desperate times call for diddling yourself in front of a camera.  To prepare for the movie she was coached by a few adult movie stars and she watched a few scenes.  After the film the stars said she was a natural.  Oh come on!  Who isn't natural at masturbating?  The stars also said she looked like she was having fun.  Well who really wants to not have fun when doing that or filming themselves having sex.  If I wanted to see people not having fun while having sex I would release my sextape where you can hear my former girlfriend asking if she should get a manicure.  I think she needs to admit that her plan of having a litter of kids and landing a reality show have failed so now she is looking for ways to get her kids food.
  
  I saw this photo of Milla Jovovich embracing a man on the street and I got to thinking this is what I want in a relationship.  I want to have a girl come running to me in heels and jump up to embrace me after we haven't seen each other for a few hours and of course her ass has to be visible to the public.  God...I am so forever alone.  But the moment I thought that I found out this was a scene for a commercial she filmed for Avon.  I don't remember the Avon lady ever doing that.  They must be doing a complete turn around from their previous marketing strategy.  Maybe they are trying to get the late night Cinemax viewers to buy make-up or hand lotion.
  
  Miley Cyrus was at Disney Land this week.  Some say it is the happiest place on Earth and I guess my definition of "happiest" includes "not wearing bras".  Billy Ray, stop your giggling at once.
  
  This is Mary Kate Olsen, you know, one of those adorable Olsen twins from Full House.  What the crap happened to her?  I bet she became a vampire or she's now an actual troll and whenever people talk about trolls on Xanga I'm going to picture her.
  
  Here's some more for the girls out there.  I think Mark Wahlberg has officially broken up with shirts because the last few weeks every photo of him is him sans shirts.  I don't think I hear any of you ladies complaining.  Maybe I should try doing that.
  
  My mom once taught me that if I don't have anything nice to say then I shouldn't say anything at all and in honor of Mother's Day I'm not going to say that Lindsay Lohan was at an event sponsored by A&E  with a splotchy fake tan, botched lip injections, and painted on eyebrows that look like they were drawn on by a drunk guy with a Sharpie.  Not going to mention that at all.  My mom taught me well.  Lindsay did have good news this week in that the L.A. County District Attorney decided not to file charges against her for an alleged hit and run because the guy who claimed she hit his car has credibility issues.  Lindsay shouldn't rejoice so soon because they are still investigating an assault in a club a few weeks back.  Quick...name me the last movie she starred in that wasn't a Lifetime movie or a movie she claimed she was going to be in.  Yep, you couldn't do it.  Lindsay isn't a movie star anymore.  Her celebrity is that she is being constantly hauled into court and jail for her drunken shenanigans.  So even if that guy, whose credibility issues was that he liked crack, didn't have his case go forward, Lindsay should be on bended knees, a position she's accustomed to, to thank him for keeping her relevant.  As for that Lifetime movie, Elizabeth Taylor's sons are now trying to get involved in the project and are begging they reconsider the role of Liz.  They don't think Lindsay is the right choice to play their mother.  I don't blame that at all.  I wouldn't want her playing my mom.  My penis has more similarities to a moth than Lindsay has to Elizabeth Taylor but then you have to ask "Would Joel McHale mock this on The Soup?"  If the answer is "yes" then I say let Lindsay take the part.
  
  Levi Johnston, baby father of one of the children in Alaskan Camelot(the Palin family), is the father of another child with a different woman.  Hmm I wonder how that abstinence only sex education has worked out.  Levi announced that his girlfriend Sunny Oglesby gave birth to a baby girl and they named her Breeze Beretta Johnston.  Now when I heard that name I thought of Chris Brown because his nickname is Breezey and Robert Blake because he was on a show called Beretta.  When you think of those two people when you hear a baby girl's name, the parents should definitely rethink the name.  They actually admitted that they got the name Beretta from the gun.  Yes, Beretta is a gun.  Why not go all out and call her 30-30 or Glock or Rifle or 12 gauge?  Sunny also shared the touching tale of how Breeze was conceived.  She told Inside Edition: "We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control."  I guess the name Breeze Beretta is the least of her worries.
  
  Kat Dennings...2 Broke Girls...may have to watch.
  
  A male masseuse is suing John Travolta for $2million because he claims that Travolta tried to have sex with him and when told know Travolta proceeded to masturbate in front of him.  Reading the suit is sort of creepy because it portrays Travolta as a sexual predator in that he disrobed and then started groping the masseuse and asked to do a reverse massage.  The masseuse also claims Travolta told him that he had lots of gay sex during his "Welcome Back Kotter" days to get where he got and he claimed, "Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity."  Travolta's lawyer claims these are all lies and that they have proof that Travolta was not in L.A. when the masseuse alleges this took place.  You know, I got thinking, what if it was actually Nicolas Cage wearing John Travolta's face that did all of that just so he could get Travolta in trouble?  Sounds insane, doesn't it?  Yeah, that would make a terrible movie.  If you want to read more of the lawsuit click here.  Just when Travolta's lawyers thought they had things under control, another lawsuit was filed by a different masseuse.  This one tells a similar story and oddly enough he has the same lawyer as the first accuser.  It has to be Nicolas Cage, that's my only explanation.  He's working with the masseuses so he can get a share of the money so he can pay off the IRS and buy more dinosaur bones.
  
  After 25 trimesters, Jessica Simpson finally gave birth.  Jessica gave birth to a 9lbs.13 oz. girl and named her Maxwell Drew.  Almost 10lbs...I wonder if the doctor had a tranquilizer gun while the nurses coaxed it with raw meat.  Now that she's given birth, prepare for the onslaught of magazine offers for exclusive baby photos.  So the name Maxwell Drew Johnson...at first I thought it sounded like Nancy Drew's know-it-all cousin who is an aspiring R&B singer.  It turns out that "Maxwell" is Eric Johnson's middle name as well as his mother's maiden name.  "Drew" is Jessica's mother's maiden name.  Also "Maxwell" means "great stem" and "Drew" means "manly".  My name means "God's gift" and "wealthy guardian" but something was lost in translation because it should be "Satan's gift" and "broke blogger".  Now you know the meaning behind her name.  So I guess naming your kid after your mother's maiden name is a thing now.  I wouldn't be able to use my mom's maiden name.  That would be an awful name for a boy or a girl.  I had a girlfriend whose mother's maiden name was "Bright".  If we had kids I would've used "Bright" as a middle name and "Half" as a first name.
  
  Jay Cutler is a douche.  Who in their right mind would go out in public wearing sweatpants when they are dating Kristin Cavallari?  Also, who in their right mind would want to play for the Chicago Bears?  I look at Jay trying to be all tough and macho and I realize that that tough guy persona doesn't work for him.  I'm more intimidated by Girls Scouts coming to my house to sell cookies.  When they pull out the Samoas I'm a lost cause.
  
  George Clooney turned 51 this week.  I found this photo of him with his pet potbelly pig and got thinking about all the women he's dated over the years and the only thing that was constant was the pig.  The longest relationship he's had is with that pig.  Maybe Stacy Keibler should cover herself with fur and walk around on all fours and snort.  I'd like that.
  
  I laughed pretty hard when I read a news story about Courtney Love losing the rights to Kurt Cobain's likeness and name.  She lost them to her daughter Frances Bean Cobain.  Technically, Courtney gave up their rights when she borrowed money from a trust fund in 2010 for $2.75million.  She will not receive any of the money from Kurt's music, name, or likeness until she pays back the loan.  I say we should start following Courtney Love on Twitter to see the breakdown and then maybe we could get her to join Xanga.  She'd fit in with some of the people around here.  Also...Frances is pretty swell.  She has her dad's eyes and I bet she thanks God every day for that.
  
  Courtney Stodden took time out of her busy schedule of _______ to get photographed cooking and eating a special Mothers' Day meal with her mom.  That was totally not a photoshoot at all.  So I just wonder how many ladies cook wearing something like Courtney.  I learned the hard way that I don't cook while wearing a shirt that reveals my cleavage.  I lost a big section of my chest hair.
  
  The first images of Christopher Meloni as a vampire on True Blood have been released.  I am so anxious to see Detective Stabler as a vampire.  I can't wait to see him go down to Louisiana and bust the heads of those pervert vampires.  You know it would be better if they made Stabler a vampire.  I would definitely watch True Blood then.
  
  Christina Hendricks turned 37 this week.  I have nothing else to say.
  
  Cher is one of those feisty celebrities who has kept relevant due to Twitter and she took to Twitter this week to lambaste Mitt Romney.  She tweeted, "If ROMNEY gets elected I don't know if i can breathe same air as Him & his Right Wing Racist Homophobic Women Hating Tea Bagger Masters".  She later deleted the message after she received an onslaught of hate from her fans.  OK, it's 2012, can we please stop saying that if someone we don't agree with politically we are going to move to another country?  How many celebs said that when Bush was re-elected?  How many said that when Obama was elected?  Act like fucking adults who have the right to vote.
  
  Bruce Willis released a photo of his newborn baby girl Mabel.  Wow, she has more hair than her dad.  Things are also looking up for Mabel because she didn't inherit his jaw like all of his other daughters.  I can't wait to see her jumping through elevator shafts and walking barefoot on glass and saying "Yippie-ki-yea"
  
  I saw this photo of Britney Spears this week and I have to say she is smoking hot and it reminds me of a song by the great hillbilly crooner Tim Wilson...click here.
  
  Avril Lavigne was spotted eating lunch with Chad Kroger of Nickelback in Paris this week.  What a combination!  Some may say they are the worst "musicians" of the past decade and others may say they are the worst thing to happen to music since the macarena.  I think they were having a meeting to decide how they can make music and fashion trends worse.  Only one person can help us now...BATMAN!
  
  My friend Andrew WK turned 33 this week.  You know it's sort of hard to believe he's so young.  I thought he was about that old when he first broke out.  I have a feeling Andrew WK partied softly because he's an old man.
  
  Less than a month after sideswiping a police officer's car and fleeing the scene and then being arrested for drunk driving, Amanda Bynes is free to drive the streets.  This week Amanda was involved in another car accident.  She hit another car and the driver of the other car called the police and followed Amanda because she kept on driving.  He followed her to a gas station and then police arrived.  The damage wasn't significant and no one was injured and the police didn't believe Amanda was drunk so no charges were pressed.  They also believed Amanda's story that she could've hit the car and not know it.  So she has a history of hitting cars and fleeing and she hits a car, claims she didn't realize it, police show up, run her record to find she had a DUI, and they don't investigate it further.  Are the cops in L.A. real?  I have a feeling if you stopped an L.A. cop and took off their uniform you'd find five dogs standing on each other.  I guess you need at least 10 IMDB credits before the cops stop writing you tickets for being a bad driver.  Also the cops are making excuses for her.  Why not give her chocolates and give the guy who got hit the ticket for having a hittable vehicle?  I think Amanda needs to have green slime dumped on her head but then she'd probably drink it and get drunk.

  I hope everyone is having a great weekend and there, my ankle popped.

  • 5:32 PM
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