May 23, 2012

• Motivation

  If you buy me sliders from White Castle then you possess my eternal love.  I probably shouldn’t say that because people will think I’m a slut for giving up my love just for some fast food.  But they’re so tasty.

  My life has had its share of bad moments but I suppose it could be worse.  I could be one of those guys that are obsessed with My Little Ponies.

  I was going to buy a safe but I was saddened to learn that I couldn’t afford one so I bought a dangerous and now I keep my valuables in a pile in my lawn.

  I love having the images of certain girls running through my mind all day.  I just hope they don’t trip over the bodies of people I’ve killed in my imagination.

  They say there’s plenty of fish in the ocean but not for me since I am standing in a desert.

  When people tell me that the Twilight books are much better than the Twilight movies, I think that’s the same as saying “dog shit tastes much better than horse shit.”  Either way you’re still dealing with shit.

  If you believe ethnic stereotypes are true then you’re dumber than the Polish.

  I like to tell myself that the reason I’m single is because girls are intimidated by my love for Taco Bell and fear they can’t compete with that.

  I was in a Chinese restaurant this week and I heard Sarah McCaughlin’s “Arms of an Angel” song and all I could think of was abused dogs and then slowly I lost my appetite.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat at a Chinese restaurant again.

  Now that Facebook has gone public I don’t know if I want to be there anymore because I’m sure I’ll be able to see what people do with their Farmville animals late at night.

  I’m waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of a bush and tell me my entire life has been a prank.

  1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness.  If you look around and don’t see four other people that means they’re out having fun and you’re stuck reading this.

  You never see missing kids on milk cartons anymore.  I guess we found them all.  I credit Pokemon’s influence on this generation.  Gotta catch ‘em all!

  You remember that one Toby Keith song about drinking and America?  No, not that one but the other one.  No, not that one either.  The other one, the one about killing all people that aren’t “normal” color or Christian.

  I had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and he always tried to tell me knock-knock jokes.  He got pissed off and stopped being my friend because I always ignored him.

  I once microwaved a Hot Pocket for 20 minutes instead of2.  I now have a clone of Gary Busey wreaking havoc in my community.

  I was listening to “Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen and every time I hear the chorus I can’t help but think the song is about a hitman learning how to become an arsonist.

  Why is it “swishy” when Morrissey cavorts about the desert in a sheer black shirt in the video for “November Spawned a Monster” but when Glen Danzig does it on an every day basis it’s considered “fucking awesome”?  Please help me answer this because I’m in an argument with a pastor.

  New pick-up line-ish thing: You know how Medusa turned men to stone when they looked at her?  Well when I look at you certain parts of me become hard as stone.

  I’ve thought it was pretty interesting how all the girls say to me “I bet you say that to all the girls.”

  3 out of 5 Americans still refer to the Vice President as“What’s his name” and have no clue what he does other than get to decide where they order take-out from on Thursdays.

  Hardee’s will be renaming all their hamburgers“Zuckerburgers” because they’re skinny, ugly, and cost a fortune.

  My former girlfriend never liked surprise anal sex and she always warned me that some day it would happen to me.  Well that day happened when I tripped on a rake and landed on a lawn dart.

  If you were wondering what I did this weekend besides unsuccessful fishing and giving myself a concussion, it was writing an unnecessary sequel to Semi-Pro.

  With the recent deaths of Donna Summer and Robin Gibb,Gloria Gaynor is treading lightly because apparently Death is booking talent from a themed nightclub.  You know, for something that happens to everyone, people sure do get shocked when someone dies.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Summer time at Walmart is like going to a Hedonism resort just with fewer teeth.  It’s amazing how little clothing some people at Walmart wear in public.

  True love means never having to say “excuse me” when you fart.
  

  There aren’t enough songs about love.  We need more!
  

  They say silence is golden and this is probably why diamonds are a girl’s best friend.  Speaking of silence, a lot of guys say that they like blowjobs from their girlfriend or wife because it gives them silence.  If your lady is silent during a blowjob then he’s doing it wrong.

  I have an idea for a TV show where all these girls sit around just eating popsicles, lollipops, bananas, and ice cream cones.  Hollywood,hit me up!

  Have you ever had the feeling that Dog the Bounty Hunter is what it would look like if Guy Fieri was cast in a remake of Mad Max?

  Whenever I see someone with a cellphone clipped on their belt, I approach them, extend my hand, and congratulate them on owning a cellphone.

  If life handed me a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey instead of lemons, life and I would be good friends.
  

  I need to invent time travel quickly because I just came up with some great ALF jokes.  I could’ve extended that series by another 5 years.

  My girlfriend wanted to play doctor so I diagnosed her as having a coma and then I went to the strip club.

  7-11 has announced that they are serving kosher Slurpees.  I guess I know where I’ll be going when it gets hot and I want to pick up some Hasidic hotties.

  I think I’m going to start lying on my resume because I’m pretty sure they won’t ask to measure my penis during an interview.
  

  I’ve lost a few friends on Xanga over the past few days but that’s OK because I’ve haven’t lost the most important friend…you.

  Women of Xanga, thanks for ruining real women for me.  You’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful and you’re willing to bare your boobs to cure cancer.  I love you so much.

  The first rule of Xanga is if you can’t think of anything smart or funny to post about then make fun of those who have.

  Here’s a tip on how to use Xanga.  Do what you want to do and not what other people want you to do.  Also post photos of boobs to gain followers and talk about sex and kiss lots of ass and if all of that fails make multiple accounts pretending to be your family and have these accounts recommend everything you write.

  Just remember, some of you may be jealous that you appear on Top Blogs and have thousands of followers while those people could be jealous of you because you have a real life.

  Xanga is just like a playground.  There’s going to be bullies to kick sand in your face and ruin your fun.  Just block them and try to stay away from the creep who is masturbating in the bushes.

  Considering yourself to be the most popular person on Xanga is like thinking you’re the sexiest person at the Laundromat.

  Don’t take insults on Xanga seriously.  More than likely you’re fighting with a 13year old kid on a Mountain Dew high and just because someone acts “immature”towards you doesn’t give you license to act that way to them.

  I regret to inform you that this will be my last post until my next post.

  • 9:47 PM
  • 35 Comments