May 26, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 5/25/12

  What a day...I went out to my cousin's farm and helped chop trees that were downed in the storm and then I came home to plant some tomatoes and then I went to a greenhouse to get some more plants and then I had to help my parents go out to all the cemeteries to decorate family member's gravestones and then I had graduation this evening and an afterparty.  I'm pretty much exhausted but not exhausted enough to forgo this.  I love you, my reader, and no I'm not going to get all sappy and start writing about my love for different ethnicities.  Boobs.  Time for the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  I hate Tim Tebow and this story reassured my of my hatred for him.  Timmy went to a Broadway product of Rock of Ages and after the show he went backstage and had his photograph taken with some of the actresses who played strippers.  Well the photo showed up on the internet and Tebow threatened the people who posted it with legal threats because he thought the photo ruined his reputation of being the Christian boy with the crewcut.  So Tim freaked out because he had his photo taken with pretend strippers.  I guess it's fitting since he's a pretend quarterback.  Maybe I'm just harsh because of the media beast that is ESPN seemingly has their proverbial lips applied to his figurative taint.
  
  This may be the most exciting story for me this week.  There is a site named Vulture reporting that Zach Galifianakis is being offered the role in a potential adaptation of A Confederacy of Dunces.  The film is still in the planning stages but the person who is behind this adaptation is the co-creator of The Flight of the Conchords, James Bobin.  I love that book and many have considered it to be unadaptable.  There have been some alleged curses behind other adaptations.  It's interesting reading through some of the people who were pegged to play Ignatius...John Belushi, John Candy, and Chris Farley.  One of the last rumored adaptations was written by Steven Soderbergh and was supposed to star Will Ferrell as Ignatius.  Well it never made it to filming but they performed a live reading at a film fest.  Some other reasons it hasn't been made are the devestating effects of Hurricane Katrina on New Orleans, disinterest from movie studios, and the murder of a Louisiana film commissioner.  I hope this can finally be made.
  
  Sofia Vergara has been posting photos of her vacation on Twitter.  Apparently she's on vacation in Anguilla.  According to wikipedia, Anguilla is a one of the many British overseas territories in the Caribbean (British Virgin Islands, Cayman Islands, Montserrat, and the Turks and Caicos Islands being the others), and is the most northerly of the Leeward Island in the Lesser Antilles. Having no direct taxation on either individuals or corporations, the island has become a popular tax haven. As throughout the Caribbean, holidays are a cultural fixture on the island. Anguilla's most important holidays are of historic as much as cultural importance - particularly the anniversary of the emancipation (previously August Monday in the Park), celebrated as the Summer Festival. British festivities, such as the Queen's birthday, are also celebrated.  And if you didn't read that...BOOBS!
  
  I guess it's out of the bag now and Snooki will have a baby boy.  I am now taking bets on what his name will be.  My bets are Guido Shore or Pickleino Valtrex.  In the magazine, Snooki talks about how most pregnant women have an overactive desire for sex but not her.  She said of her boyfriend, "Our sex life is hardly there! I just feel too icky and gross.  I’m so not in the mood to do stuff."  Wow, her boyfriend Jioni hit the jackpot.  He'll have to interact with her for the next 18 years and he doesn't get sex at the drop of a pickle any more.  But the thing Snooki and I finally agree on are that she's icky and gross.
  
  After a two year battle with colon and liver cancer, Robin Gibb passed away at the age of 62 this week.  Things were looking up for him.  He was recently released from the hospital after coming out of a coma caused by a severe case of pneumonia.  Man, the disco ball is almost finished spinning now that Robin Gibb and Donna Summer have died.  I can't really say anything bad about this guy because no matter who you are or how old you are, you have probably heard or even sung a Beegees song.  Robin will be greatly missed.
  
  Paris Hilton was at a party at the Cannes Film Fest this week and she was sporting a dress that she bragged cost her $12,000.  So slave away at your job, live on the street, collect cans, forage for food in dumpsters, and save every cent you can afford and then maybe you can have a dress like Paris Hilton, a dress she'll probably only wear once.  THE AMERICAN DREAM!
  
  Mr. T turned 59 this week.  I always thought he was older.  Maybe it just feels that way because the A-Team was so long ago and it's been remade into a movie.  Mr. T also should've invested his money better because if he could've kept his gold just imagine how much he'd be worth today with the high gold prices.  He wouldn't have to sell products on late night infomercials.  Oh and I think Mr. T is awesomer than Chuck Norris because Mr. T facts are better.  There is no such thing as gravity.  Mr. T just pities everything and it stays on the ground.  Birds and planes are exempt because they are shaped like Ts.
  
  Morrissey turned 53 this week.  If you've been reading this blog for the past couple of years you would know of my interest in Morrissey's bitchy behavior.  And one of the greatest examples of what a douchebag he is is last year after the tragic shootings in Norway, Morrissey said this: "We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown, with 97 dead [sic].  Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried shit every day."  I hope he had a happy birthday because if I don't wish him a happy birthday he'd probably compare me to Goering and the Holocaust.
  
  Lee Daniels is directing a movie called The Butler.  It's about a butler in the White House who served under 8 presidents from 1952 to 1986.  The butler will be played by Forest Whitaker.  This week it was announced that Minka Kelly and Matthew McConaughey will be playing Jackie and John Kennedy.  The movie will also feature Cuba Gooding Jr., Oprah, Lenny Kravitz, Alan Rickman as Ronnie Reagan, Jane Fonda as Nancy Reagan, and John Cusack as Nixon.  I think that casting McConaughey as JFK is the biggest shit move in movies.  They have a guy with a thick stoner southern drawl playing JFK with his Bostonian accent.  Terrible accents aside they're going to spend a lot of money on make-up to make these people look like who they're supposed to be.  To save money, Daniels should've rented out Disney's Hall of Presidents.
  
  Miley Cyrus dressed in the uniform of her future career at the Billboard awards this week.  She's going to be a nurse in a porn movie or a time traveler who travels back to the 70s to be a cougar at a swingers key party.  Chrissy Teigen tweeted this about Miley: "Miley looks bangin. Her boobies brought me back."  I can't disagree and we'll look at more of Chrissy's tweets later but damn, I have to admit she is looking the best she's ever looked but she's only 19.  And Miley also had another stop on her "Garsh, Look at Me and My Dang Ole Boobies, I've Dun Growed Up" Tour.  She was on a show called The Conversation.  Miley got pontificating about sex.  She said, "I was talking about this at dinner last night.  The girls that really base how much they’re worth on the sexual favors they can do for somebody, that makes me really sad. Because sex is actually really beautiful. It’s the only way we create, and it’s the only way the world keeps going.  It’s ignorant not to talk to your kids about it or not make it seem as magical or cool as it actually is.  Kids have a TV, so they know what sex is. So educate them and let them know … it’s a beautiful thing, and it is magic, and it’s when you connect with somebody.  And it isn’t how much you’re worth. Your worth isn’t based on that, your worth is based on how you feel about yourself.”  First she's talking about science when she tweeted: "The amazing thing is that every atom in your body came from a star that exploded" which was directly followed by "God I LOVE Kid Rock. Bawitdaba."  Now she's advocating sex and sex education.   Is she trying to make the Bible Belt explode?  I bet everyone believed that the Cyrus family were good Christians who pounded on their Bibles and loved being on TV.  And did she just say she was magical in the sack.  Geez, Miley better stay out of Mississippi otherwise they may burn her at the stake.  Bawitdaba.
  
  Michelle Rodriguez was spotted frolicking at Cannes.  You know when I first saw this photo, you probably don't want to know what I thought but then I thought, "wow, a real life Barbie doll...no genitals."
  
  Michael McKean is currently working on a Broadway production titled The Best Men.  He was walking in Manhattan before a production and he was struck by a car.  He was rushed to the hospital and at first the hospital had him listed as critical but later they upgraded his condition to stable.  He suffered a broken leg.  His publicist said that he was hurt but would be OK.  It was also the first time McKean ever missed a curtain call.  If it happened in Manhattan, they better get Law & Order to investigate.  I bet it was the understudy who hit him.  I want Detective Stabler to crush some skulls only to learn that the real criminals were Laverne and Shirley and Squiggy.
  
  I don't really watch So You Think You Can Dance because what they call dancing I see as being involuntary out of control spasms.  But from what I've seen, Mary Murphy is one wild person who I can't tell if she's really hyper or she's snorted a pound of coke.  Well it may be the coke because she's being sued by her former manager for breach of contract when she fired him in 2010.   In the lawsuit, Michael Sanchez states that he became her manager in 2006 and stayed with her even though she was a nightmare.  Sanchez makes it sound like Mary Murphy is the reality TV version of Lindsay Lohan.  He claims that Mary is a desperate, cocaine-fueled nymphomaniac.  Why can't I meet those women?  She regularly had sex with male contestants on SYTYCD.  Security at her home had to break in because she was unconscious after doing too much cocaine.  During a trip to Australia, Michael claims he found Mary in bed with a producer from SYTYCD with a pile of cocaine on the nightstand.  She violates game show and FOX rules by coaching her favorite dancers.  Michael also claims that Mary stole Paula Abdul's move of filling her glass on the judge's desk with alcohol and Mary was routinely drunk during filming.  So basically, Michael Sanchez is accusing Mary Murphy of being a dick-crazy, coked-up, hiding booze nymphomaniac.  And here's all the proof I need.  Will these rumors make me watch So You Think You Can Dance?  No.
  
  Mark Zuckerberg got married last weekend.  He married his girlfriend of 9 years, Priscilla Chan.  Mark wore a regular suit, Priscilla wore a prom dress, he gave her a simple ruby ring, and Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day performed at the reception.  If I was a new billionaire and I got married, my wedding would've been at Culver's and they would've had every flavor of the day for my guests especially the Cherie Amor Amaretto.  Coco would've performed the ceremony and then I'd have Van Halen sing "Ice Cream Man" at the wedding right after we are declared husband and wife and then The Pixies would play the reception and our first song would be "Gigantic".  And all guests would be given baskets of puppies and kittens.  Well...I'm not getting married ever because who would want me but a guy can dream.  I sort of wish I could've crashed that wedding because I would've loved to hear Mark tell me that it was a private event.  "Oh you mean private, not like Facebook?"
  
  Leonardo DiCaprio is renting out his beach house for the summer.  In case any of you are interested here's some photos of the house.  The only downside is that the price is $45,000 a month.  For that price I better get Leonardo as a butler and all his women as my concubines.
  
  Parental groups and conservative groups have their panties in a wad over Kristen Stewart's new movie On the Road which is a film adaptation of Jack Kerouac's opus.  Parents are upset because they took their children to see Kristen in Twilight and apparently Kristen is some sort of role model but in On the Road, her character engages in a threesome and masturbates two male characters.  The head of the Culture and Media Institute, Dan Gainor said this: "In the film On The Road, Kristen Stewart engages in a threesome and masturbates two male characters according to reports. How will parents who took their daughters to see the Twilight movies explain this? It is irresponsible of Stewart and manipulative of Hollywood bosses to deliberately try to destroy any sense of decency these actresses might have taught young people.”  the guy went on to talk about six other young women who went on to be very naughty on screen.  Do conservative parents really think that when you let your child see a film starring an actress, you must then let them watch every single film that actress makes?  If that's the case I can offer a simple solution. 
  
  Josh Hutcherson of The Hunger Games is getting on the nerves of his Hunger Games co-star Jennifer Lawrence.  He's constantly begging her to go out to supper with him and he's getting really annoyed when she turns him down.  But isn't that sort of like the actual storyline of The Hunger Games?  Anyway, Josh, you're trying too hard.  Pull back the reigns, sweetie, there's plenty of girls swooning over you because of this whole Hunger Games movie that are willing to let you take advantage of them.  There's a fine line between being aggressive and being a stalker.  trust me, I'm an expert.  The Hunger Games is a pussy magnet for you so back off Jennifer Lawrence, she's a co-worker and that could be construed as sexual harassment and once again there's a fine line between being aggressive and sexual harassment.  Trust me, I'm an expert.  I thought I'd leave you with a quote from the Dali Lama.  He gave this advice to me when he was visiting Madison.  I'll never forget it so heed this words: "Don't shit where you eat, asshole.  Now get your fat fucking feet off my fucking robe, you damn rube."  Such wisdom!
  
  I know a lot of you like The Big Bang Theory.  My mom and dad do and they sit down and watch it every Saturday night on TBS for like 5 hours.  My dad can't remember the name of it so he calls it "The Science Show".  My mom can't remember the name either and she calls it "How I Met Your Mother part 2" or "That show with the weirdos who act queer".  My mom is from the generation when "queer" meant "strange".  Well it turns out that Jim Parsons is queer in a different meaning.  well this week he quietly came out of the closet even though it was sort of obvious in some of his acceptance speeches for awards he's won.  A biography for his role in the Broadway play Harvey said he's gay and has been in a relationship for ten years and he's 40.  OK, I am not shocked about the gay part but 40?????!?!?!?!  Wow, I need to know what science shit he's done to make himself look like he's in his early 20s.
  
  Gregg Allman of the Allman Brothers Band was on Pierce Morgan this evening to announce that he has married for the seventh time.  One of those marriages was to Cher and that marriage was pretty much summed up on Family Guy when Allman said that to relieve stress he did drugs and married Cher and he would advocate neither.  At age 64, Greg has said he has finally found true love with his 24 year old wife Shannon Williams.  I was thinking of inducting Shannon into the Gold Diggers Hall of Fame but this marriage makes financial sense.  In one year, Gregg can order off the senior citizen's menu and his child bride can order off the kiddie menu.  Gregg had this to say about Shannon: "That's not what she's becoming. She's becoming wife number one. I don't have a wife. Haven't had one for years."  You hear that noise that
  
  And speaking of Cher, she turned 66 this week.  Now for my yearly Cher joke...when Cher blew out the candles on her birthday cake all she wished for was if she could turn back time.
  
  Chrissy Teigen was at the Billboard Awards this week and she spent a lot of time on Twitter.  During Chris Brown's performance she tweeted, "Why sing when you can dance?"  Nailed it but since fans of a mentally unstable lunatic and emotionally stunted child with rage issues are batshit insane as well as their idol, Chrissy received a lot of hate on Twitter.  Hate is a light word.  She received death and rape threats.  Team Breezy tweeted gems like: "all you do is talk s**t, you need to be raped and murdered.","killyoself bitch ur nothing but tall thats why you model. your nothing.", "ditzy dumb ass tramp your mother should've aborted you.", "i hope you are the next 'celebrity' to die", "you have the brain capacity of a turtle, just die.", "I wish George Zimmerman woulve shot ur annoying ass instead of poor Trayvon Martin", "Casey anthony shouldve buried u in her backyard instead. Sad that Caylee had to go and ur still here being a dumb bitch."  Well Chrissy took to Twitter and said this after all the threats: "Reallllly makes me sad that 99% of the most disturbing comments come from young girls. I'll end it there but it make me sad. I have some screen caps. And I will do everything I can to make sure people know, internet or not, you CAN'T say this s**t."  Then the bitch, Chris Brown, weighed in: "Love y'all!  Team Breezy! Lets stop sending death threats! I know y'all bout that life but it's the wrong message! Ur turning haters into victims!"  Do I really need to run down the reasons why Chris Brown is a sociopath in a denim jacket?  If you're openly threatening to kill a woman so you can defend a sniveling little bitch like Chris Brown who almost beat a woman to death while he gladly sits back and gloats over his fans sending death threats, you really need to ask yourself why you're a Chris Brown fan.  You may want to take a deep breath, step away from the computer, and go visit a battered women's shelter.
  
  Bob Dylan turned 71 this week.  I don't think I need to say anything about his legacy.  I'd just like him to finally tell me how it feels to be a rolling stone.
  
  Bill Clinton was in Monte Carlo this week and had his photograph taken with some porn stars.  The old pimp still has it.  The girl around his right arm is Tasha Reign who is best known for her work in "Farm Girls Gone Wild" and the girl on his left arm is Brooklyn Lee who is best known for her work in "Mission Asspossible".  This guy will not have the legacy of overseeing one of the biggest growths of the United States economy but he will be forever known as getting a beej from an intern in the Oval Office.  And you know what, he's not going to do a thing to change that because if he did, he wouldn't be able to surround himself with porn stars.  Nobel Prizes be damned, this is how you conduct yourself once you leave office.
  
  Adrianne Curry has boobs and access to a free and exponentially growing social media website that allows people to post photos.  God bless Twitter!
  
  The new Zac Efron and Nicole Kidman movie, The Paperboy, made its debut at the Cannes Film Festival this week.  Many critics have declared that it is a massive piece of crap.  Wait...change that to...a warm hot stream of piss.  The movie is about two guys, Efron and Matthew McConaughey, investigating the case of a deathrow inmate, John Cusack, and a sex-crazed woman, Nicole Kidman, obsessed with Cusack's character.  Well at one point Efron and Kidman go for a romantic swim in the ocean and Efron is stung by a jellyfish.  They come out of the water and Kidman pushes Efron down and then urinates on him and they show the stream and it was 100% real.  The only film critics that have enjoyed this movie are Chuck Berry and Kim Kardashian.  And I can't wait for Nicole Kidman's Oscar clip of her urinating on Zac Efron.
  
  The X-Factor started filming this week in Austin, TX and the "drama" has already started.  Apparently, Britney walked out of an audition and claimed she was going to quit because a contestant dared to sing a Britney Spears song and make it sound worse.  Really?  How could anything sound worse than something Britney sang?  So they went to commercial break and acted like it was a huge deal and the show was hanging by a thread and would not be able to go one without Britney.  The show did go on and a few contestants auditioned while Britney was "quitting".  It turns out she was just using the bathroom but Simon Cowell and the producers on the show have wanted her to be the dramatic force behind the show and she'll be doing things like that throughout the filming of the audition stages and even more staged moments will happen once they go live.  But when they go live, I'm expecting Britney to rip some wicked farts and that will embarrass the hell out of her so she'll have to run backstage.  That makes sense since her demands for food in her dressing room is as follows: 34 Herve Leger bandage dresses, 12 Snickers bars, 6 cases of Diet Coke, 10 bags of Doritos, 12 vases of magnolias, 10 pieces of fried chicken, 4 pints of potato salad, 1 manicurist, 1 facialist, and 1 massage therapist.  Why would she need a manicurist?  Oh yeah, to file away all the Dorito dust off her fingers.  I was thinking of offering my services as a facialist until I realized that a facialist probably has to wipe her mouth of all the tater salad and fried chicken.  That actually seems sort of tame but to be safe they better just move in a 7/11 into her dressing room.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  If this isn't too offensive please comment and rec.  If this is too offensive please comment and rec.  Time to go drink some drug cigarettes and drink some cups of alcohol beer.

  • 1:57 AM
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