May 30, 2012

• Motivation

  In Arizona,the grass is always rockier on the other side of the fence.

  Where are all those death panel jobs that Sarah Palin promised us?  Why isn’t Obama lowering unemployment with more death panel jobs and deaths from his healthcare mandate?

  Did you know that circuses are the number one form of entertainment in Japan?  Why else would they choose to make their flag a close-up of a clown’s face?

  I dream of a world where you can order a Bud Light and you get a low calorie strain of marijuana and not a glass of water.

  I’d like to see an episode of Maury where Luke Skywalker comes on wanting to find out who his father is and when Maury says Chewbacca isn’t the father then Chewbacca would do a wicked cabbage patch dance.

  I don’t know what to feel about watching a “Feed the Children” infomercial and seeing that if you send money they will send you at-shirt that is available in XXXL.

  Is TLC still “The Learning Channel” or because of all the shows about little people is it now “The Little Channel”?  But I think it is time to accept facts and realize that midgets will never be called little people no matter how many shows are on TLC.

  Have you ever noticed that in some zombie movies there arezombies that are stitched up?  Who is giving them medical attention?  Are their zombie doctors?  Do zombies fall under the scope of veterinary medicine?

  I’ve always wanted to be surveyed for Family Feud so thatwhen a question is “When is your bedtime,” you’ll be able to tell meanswer.  It’s always going to be “Giant floppy donkey dicks”.

  Overheard at school: “Did you know Elton John wrote a songcalled “Candle in the Wind” and it’s about Marilyn Manson?”

  Sometimes I feel like a foreskin.  Cut off, forgotten, unwanted, and thrown away.

  My life seems to be a bigger mistake than giving Scot Baio his own reality show.

  People say I’m quirky. I guess that makes me just like Zooey Deschanel except I’m filled with hate and curse way too much and am quite ugly and fat.

  I was in Walgreens the other day and saw that they had condoms in a section called “Family Planning”. It should be labeled “Family Preventing”.

  Sunny D has announced that they are changing their drink recipe so it will no longer taste like urine.

  If you didn’t grill some sort of dead animal on Memorial Day then you’re an unpatriotic asshole.  Go to Canada, hippy!  I also hope Soulja Boy isn’t areal soldier because I don’t want to remember him on Memorial Day or any day.

  The NBA is considering lowering the hoop from 10ft. to 9ft.so that there can be more non-black players and the league will be diverse.

  The best part of waking up is that moment when you realize you cried yourself to sleep because the only person that seems interested inyou is mentally handicapped and once threatened to stab you with a knife at achurch function.

  I think that carving Mount Rushmore was impossible.  I bet that guy just discovered it and told people he carved it because come on.

  A friend of mine announced that his sister gave birth to a baby boy and they gave him the middle name “Danger”.  That kid is now cooler than me, you, and everyone on Xanga combined.

  Do you ever think hipsters will become racist and say they are just displaying moments of retro hate?

  The Miami Heat could be playing a game against the Taliban and I’d cheer for the Taliban.

  When I die, I hope Xanga creates a scholarship in my name.

  They say a good potty training tool for boys is a big plastic ring that floats in the toilet. It doesn’t work.  I still piss wherever I want when I’m drunk and that is probably why I can never grow any flowers.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  The best thing about hot weather is that attractive people wear less clothing but the worst thing about hot weather is so does everybody.  It seriously is amazing how little clothing some people wear to Walmart. I was there for a while when it was 95 this weekend and I saw more boobs in that hour than I have in all of 2012. Also I saw a girl changing clothes in the parking lot of a Kwik Trip.  I never realized how pathetic my life has become until I was aroused at a girl changing her clothes in her BMW.

  A gay guy, a black guy, and a Jew walk into a bar and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you gentleman” because that bartender isn’t some sort of dick that would deny service to people based on orientation, race,or religion.

  I was thankful I finished everything on my “To Do” list today.  It was just a doodle of a bottle of beer and a set of breasts.  My “To Do”list for tomorrow seems tougher.  I have to tell my second-best friend that he’s really my third-best friend.

  I heard a girl say “chivalry is dead” this weekend.  She’s right. It pretty much died when girls started dating assholes.

  I was upset that the last time I visited Detroit no one challenged me to a rapbattle.  Sure, I was shot at but no rap battles.  I had some mad rhymes about fettucini alfredo that I was going to spit out.

  I should really clean out the Cheetos that are behind my bed not because I want to be clean but because I don’t want to eat them in a fit of depression.

  I’m pretty sure people who listen to Jimmy Buffett listen to him because they are too lazy to listen to anything else.

  I love my reciprocating saw because it loves me back.

  I like to stab straws into boxes of wine because it makes me feel like a kid again and reminds me of drinking juice pouches.

  Something misogynistic.

  I think the best way to turn on a girl with a sext is to send her a photo of your credit card.

  I hate when girls complain about me having an ugly face.  You’re just going to sit on it so why do you need to look at it?

  The last girl I dated liked to have sex while we listened to the stereo.  She left me when I played my autobiography on tape.

  One man's trash is another man's place to hide out for awhile until the police helicopter is done hovering over the block.

  My secret to losing weight this summer?  Driving around in my car for an hour without the air conditioning on and the windows rolled up.

  The first time you ever say “music is crap these days” you have become your parents.

  I sometimes feel that some people on Friends Lock who come to my site yet aren’t my friends are the same type of people that go to a BYOB barbecue with two beers and then drink everybody’s beer and then crap in the pool.

  Does anyone else smell vodka, gonorrhea, and desperation when they open my Xanga page?

  If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Xanga it’s rape abortion Christianity racism circumcision feminism.

  In the beginning, you use Xanga as therapy.  At the end, you’re addicted to Xanga.  Somewhere in the middle you see a bunch of Xangan boobs.

  If you’re offended by something on Xanga there’s really no reason to announce it.  From what I’ve noticed is that if you’re offended by something and announce it then that person will go out of their way to offend you all the time.  It’s just Xanga.  It’s the thing we use all day, every day which ironically holds no monetary value to us.

  No animals were harmed in the creation of this post.

  • 9:11 PM
  • 36 Comments