June 9, 2012

• Xanga Bandwagon Lies Exposed

  So I've decided to do one of those truth and lie things that are all the rage right now.  20 are true and 5 are false.  I went above and beyond so get to guessing.

  1.  I attended two high schools because my first high school closed and became a prison. (True: I went to a private Lutheran high school that had its own dorm facilities and the church was strapped on cash so they sold it to the state of Wisconsin and within a few months it was converted into a prison.  They really didn't have to do much work other than put up a fence around the campus and put bars on windows.)

  2.  I took 8 years of piano lessons including one year in high school and during a practice period the checker lady hit me with a cane because I wasn't practicing even though I had a cast on my hand making it impossible to play piano.  (True:  I started playing when I was in 5th grade and took a brief hiatus after my first year of high school only to start again once I was in college.  I broke my hand playing baseball that first year of high school and the checker came in and pointed her can at me and lost balance and she hit me.)

  3.  I started on a football team that won the state championship my school's division.  (False: I started but we didn't win.  We lost the championship game 55-14 to a school who were known as the Ledgers.  I thought they were fighting accountants but it turned out the school was located on the ledge of a hill.  I was carted off the field because of a knee injury, a knee injury that I am currently dealing with all these years later.)

  4.  I am related to an American man who was arrested in Germany for promoting Nazi ideology and I'm also related to a person who was tried at Nuremberg for his role in a Nazi death camp.  (True: I remember visiting my family in Nebraska and going into their son's room and it was decked out with Nazi stuff and then a few years later he was stirring up shit in Denmark and Germany and was arrested for promoting Nazi ideology as well as displaying swastikas.  He currently operates a pro-Nazi blog.  As for the other, yeah, I found that out within the past year.  It's sort of weird knowing you have family that were on both sides of the fence.)

  5.  I do not own any DVDs.  (False:  I think I've discussed this previously but I own something like 1300 dvds)

  6.  I coached high school football and one time after a Saturday morning game I drove from central Minnesota to Milwaukee, WI to see a Radiohead concert.  I drove 6 hours down there and 6 hours back after the concert because I had to be back in Minnesota the next day because it was the day I was ordained as a minister.  (True: I love football and I love Radiohead and I loved the ministry so it was so difficult to pick which ones I should or shouldn't do so I just did them all.  I was so tired and I think slept about 16 hours after that ordination.)

  7.  Oh yeah, I was once an ordained minister.  (True:  hard to believe, right?)

  8.  As a way to make money last summer, I auditioned for a role in a porno and I was cast as Newman in the Seinfeld porn parody.  I was later fired because the producers found out that I was serving a lifetime ban from the adult movie industry because my penis is too big.  (False: what gave it away, having the large penis?)

  9.  I quite smoking cold turkey and it will be 5 years this July. (True: I don't know if I was a heavy smoker.  I'd usually smoke three cigars a day as well as about 4 or 5 cigarettes specifically the filterless Lucky Strikes.  On July 3rd, 2007 I had a cigar that I had bought off an auction site and it was supposedly a brand of cigars manufactured for the Marines in Afghanistan.  It smoked about a quarter of it and it was the worst cigar I had ever smoked and it made me sick.  I didn't smoke the next day because I was still feeling ill and the same for the day after.  By the third day I had no more cravings and now whenever I have a craving for a smoke I think of that cigar and the craving goes away.)

  10.  I once saw Weezer play in Iowa and after the show some friends and I were hanging out backstage and some of the members of Weezer invited us to come into their rooms and we played ping pong and fusball. (True: it was quite awesome except Rivers Cuomo never came out and he was the one I wanted to see.)

  11.  I once met a professional wrestler named Sean Waltman.  I hung out with him one night and then he came back to my tourist town the next year and he remembered me when I bumped into him at the water park where I was working.  After talking with him about stuff and planning on going to a couple of bars later, I left and then a wrestling fan approached him and demanded autographs and for him to do some of his trademark hand-signs.  Sean got angry and punched the guy.  I didn't see it happen so I didn't have to testify. (True: I first met him because a friend of mine who worked at a drive-in movie theater in Wisconsin Dells sold him tickets.  She called me and I sprinted up there on a break and I chatted him up while he was buying concessions.  He asked me where some fun places were to drink and hang out so I told him places where I would hang out {I wasn't 21 at the time} and he said my friend and I should come with.  We partied and people didn't bother asking for an ID because this guy was a pretty popular pro-wrestler.  Then the year later he got in trouble but it was so awesome that he remembered me.)

  12.  During college I was one of the founding members of a BB Gun and Fireworks Club.  (True: one guy had a BB gun and it was winter so we didn't want to go outside to shoot it so we set up empty bottles and cans in the basement of the frat house and had our own firing range.  Then I went out and bought a few other guns and that was that and then we got drunk and started lighting fireworks.  The worst was when we "spilled" 151 rum on the floor and then I decided to shoot a bottlerocket at it and then I decided to take a bunch of bottlerockets and light them off together but I put them in a giant chain store coffee mug filled with water and the force of all the bottlerockets made the mug explode.)

  13.  I have coached football, volleyball, cross-country, track, softball, basketball, baseball, and weight-lifting.  (True: I coached all of those, most of them at the grade school level.)

  14.  I have taught sex ed.  (True: When I was an ordained minister, I taught religion class at a Lutheran high school and part of the sophomore curriculum was sex ed.  It was rather interesting mostly because every class had interesting questions like "Mr. Awesome, are blowjobs and handjobs sex?"  "Mr. Awesome, is S&M sinful?"  "Mr. Awesome, did Jesus get boners?")

  15.  I shared a goal with a former fiance of making love in every town named "Watertown" in America.  We only made it to three.  (True: There are many Watertowns in this country so it was a goal.  Sadly we didn't meet it because of stuff that I don't want to visit at this time.)

  16.  I voted for George Bush. (True: 2000 was my first presidential election and I was so ill-informed.  I didn't want another 4 years of Clinton and I fell into that trap of thinking Bush would be a great guy to have a beer with even though he didn't drink but then I didn't know that and think that was suppressed until after the election.)

  17.  I once had coffee and donuts with Brett Favre.  (True:  Favre bought property from a doctor that worked at the hospital where my mom works and he used the property for hunting.  One summer, before the training camps began, Favre was in the area and he came in to the local gas station/convenience store after setting up deer stands.  I was on my way to work and there he was.  I was buying coffee and donuts for my breakfast and commute and the cashier said not to worry about paying because Favre paid for it so I went over to where he was sitting and thanked him and we talked about the area and how I was large and should be playing line for him.  It was quite awesome.)

  18.  I started my Xanga all those years ago to impress a girl. (True:  It was under the guise of keeping in contact with all my friends and this was before Facebook took off or was made available to non-college people.  Well this one could also be "false" because it was two girls I tried to impress.  Neither are here any more and both are married to someone who isn't me.  It didn't work.)

  19. At one time I was the head writer of a comedy show on MTV2 but the show was canceled because of the writers' strike.  (False:  While living in Minneapolis, I met up with a few writers and they were impressed by some of my material and I was ready to sell off my scripts and ideas but the show was canceled.  Then one of those guys encouraged me to keep up writing and I worked out some stuff for a couple of other shows and as I was about to sell, word came down that the shows were canceled.  I guess the moral of the story is if you want your show to stay on the air don't let anyone contact me for writing.)

  20.  I have a fear of birds.  (True: I hate birds.  That is all.  I hate them.  I think my fear stems from a family vacation to Sault St. Marie and a seagull divebombed me and crapped all over me.  Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots and they'd let those winged rats fly all over the house and they'd swoop at me and it made my visits so tense.  I also hate when birds fly straight at your windshield when you're driving and then you duck because you don't want to get hit by a bird and then they veer off at the last second.  There was one time a bird didn't veer off and get stuck in the grill off my Blazer and was stuck in there for about an hour before I got home to MN.) 

  21.  I have shot and killed a deer and then I ate its fresh heart.  (True: The deer and I became one and I possess its spirit)

  22.  I had chicken pox three times as a child.  (True: I had them while in Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade.  From what I hear this is fairly unusual.  It has also left me having sensitive skin.  I'm allergic to certain soaps and metals.  The slightest contact makes me break out.)

  23.  At one time I had 8 piercings.  (True: I had 5 in my ear, my eyebrow, my navel, and my who-who-dilly and because of my skin sensitivities I could only wear sterling silver jewelery.)

  24.  During college I was in choir for 7 semesters  (True: For some of you that might be hard to believe.  I never really sang in high school.  I was in the freshmen chorus at my first high school because it was mandatory and then my second high school made every sophomore who wasn't in choir sing in a chorus and I did that and that was it for high school.  Then my college demanded choir credits.  I had to audition and I was pretty lame but the choir director said he'd put me at bass and pair me with stronger singers.  It worked and I was in there all those semesters.  I sang in the male choir.  It was a choir that consisted of 100+ guys singing four part harmony.)
  

  These are just a few selections and a couple of those are mass choirs featuring all the choirs at my college.

  25.  I have never had a car accident or a speeding ticket.  (False: I've had 5 car accidents and 4 of those involved deer including the one time where I drove my car off a 30ft cliff.  I have never had a speeding ticket but I have been pulled over twice for speeding.  Once was at a gas station.  I was getting out to get some late night snacks after I had finished studying and this asshole sped up as I was trying to pass him on the main drag in town.  Well I floored it and passed and then went into the parking lot.  The cop saw me and called me stupid even though I was in college.  He yelled that I needed to slow down.  The other was after my identity had been stolen and I was celebrating getting access back to my bank accounts.  I bought some cigars on my debit card and I was having such a great time that I didn't realize I was doing 45 in a 25.  The cop pulled me over and told me what was going on and I explained to him why I was speeding and he then recognized me as a big contributor to the police department.  I basically paid for the next three years worth of DARE materials as well as some other stuff the department needed.  My uncle always told me to be on the cops' good side and he was a man who worked for Al Capone so I figured he knew what he was talking about.)

  Now, here's some other stuff to make you laugh while you're thinking of what is truthful and what is falseful.
  
  I get them every time I eat at a fancy dining establishment.
  
  OY
  
  Best.  Photobomb.  Ever!
  
  I hate being watched when I shower.
  
  I think he flooded it.
  
  In America we have the right to bear arms and we also have the right to exfoliate those arms and keep them moisturized.
  
  The bottled water kabal has been posting this image all over the internet warning us about the dangerous side effects of tap water.
  
  Now that's one cause I can support.
  
  You'd think after 60 years they'd give her some Metamucil.
  

  

  So which were true and which were lies?
  (The answers were 3, 5, 8, 19, 25)  I won't be doing a Celebrity Round Up this week because I am emotionally and physically drained.

  • 6:21 PM
  • 43 Comments