June 20, 2012

• Motivation

  You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it understand what Prometheus is about.

  Speaking of movies have you seen the new one called“Constipated”?  Oh wait, never mind, it hasn’t come out yet.

  I’ve been using Google Earth to search which yards have milkshakes in them.

  I never cry.  I just have allergic reactions to feelings.

  I’m not sure if I want a relationship right now.  I know I talk about wanting someone but I think what I want most is someone who’ll let me touch their boobs without it getting weird.

  I love how when I watch Maury Povich that the majority of commercials are for loans and stay at home colleges.  It’s like they know the people watching are smart and want to get a degree in psychology and a payday advance to feed their crack habit.  Also, did you know Father’s Day is Maury’s favorite day of the year?

  I once made the mistake of telling a Cirque de Soleil acrobat to go fuck himself.  There are just some things in life that can’t be unseen.

  I’m so excited for The Dark Knight Rises.  I can’t figure out which of my three Batman capes I should wear to the theater.

  One of the reasons why I hate Olive Garden is that they just seemingly lump together Italian words to make it sound like something you should eat.  “Try the new Cassonetto Stupro.  You’ll love it.”  Cassonetto Sturpo means “dumpster rape”.

  Pick-up line destined not to work: “Is your name Google because you’re everything I’m searching for.”

  Do vegans get mad at animals for eating other animals and then preach to them about how much better they are because they’re vegan?

  They should do sexual myths on Mythbusters like the correlation between shoe size and penis size and lip color and nipple color.

  I’ve talked to people and a lot of times they say, “BRB shower time”.  I figure that means one of two things.  The first is “I’m not actually taking a shower but I just don’t want to talk to your boring ass”.  The other is an open invitation to imagine that person caressing their soapy and naked body in hopes that you get turned on by that thought.

  I don’t think I’m going to teach my kids the alphabet because the alphabet is a work of Satan. The more letters you know then the more words you know and if you know a lot of words then you can create dirty, evil sentences.  My children will be God fearing mutes.

  The movie “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” pretty much sums up my life right now except for the part about “for the End of the World”.

  I only use Irish Spring soap because it makes my genitals smell like a field of happy leprechauns searching for a pot of gold.  Now if I could find my pot of gold.

  I was reading that Matchbox 20 was recording their first new album in 10 years.  Since when did America start negotiating with terrorists?

  Pulling out before you’re finished also doesn’t work if you’re making cupcakes.

  Have you ever been watching porn and you’re getting into it and all of a sudden you hear, “Hey you, yeah, you!” and you get terrified,close out the internet, shut down the monitor, and pull up your pants in a matter of seconds only to realize it was one of those banner ads?

  I was going to write a blog about Rodney King’s death but the police beat me to it.  And if you think that’s bad you clearly don’t remember Rodney King.

  A recent medical study found that it is more difficult for women to stop smoking than men.  They have now put smoking in the same category as nagging and shopping.

  Have you ever found yourself asking what type of wine goes best with Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos?

  I am always shocked to open Twitter and read the tweets made by journalists…so many spelling errors. But then they are sports reporters and I don’t think their audience cares if they can spell correctly.

  This afternoon the Jerry Sandusky’s defense team asked the judge if he would throw out the jury so they could get the jury from the Roger Clemens trial.  Even though they acquitted Clemens they didn’t find him not guilty of being an asshole.

  My cellphone always changes “killed” to “kilt”.  Well plaid, cellphone, well plaid.

  It’s so hot even my taint is sweating profusely.

  Daniel Day Lewis is such a good actor that I assume every person I meet is Daniel Day Lewis.  I celebrated Father’s Day by watching him in “There Will be Blood” because there is no better father figure in Hollywood history than his character in that movie.

  I like to wear a lot of black clothing so I can show off the cat hair.

  And now here's your weekly dose of motivation:

  

  

  

  

  

  
  

  
  
  

  
  
  

   
  
  

  

  

  I always get confused when I see the letters “TMI”.  I know it’s supposed to stand for “Too Much Information” but I also think it stands for “Tell More Information” which is why I mentioned about how my taint is sweating profusely and to tell more information I hate hot weather because I sit on my sac way too often.

  Do you think Smokey the Bear will be cremated when he dies?

  Whoever said, “rock and roll will never die” never saw “Rock of Ages”.  I’m pretty sure rock and roll just had a massive heart attack and stroke. If I wanted to see Tom Cruise scantily clad with bad hair and singing 80s music, I’d rent Risky Business and probably be gay.

  Do you think they’ll ever reboot the Schindler’s List series with Will Smith in the lead?

  The preferred method of killing spiders in my house is to find the spider and then run to my room screaming like an idiot and then locking myself in my room for three days.

  This week is the 200^th anniversary of the War of1812 AKA the war where America got curbstomped.

  I want to clear the air here.  My last relationship didn’t end because I cheated.  It ended because I didn’t go to Jared.

  I created a Facebook fan page called “Undecided Whether I Should Like this Page”.  I click “like”and then I unclick it.  I'm not even sure if I should keep it listed.

  You should really get off your high horse because riding a horse that’s been smoking marijuana could be dangerous.

  I went to the lumber yard to buy some bamboo to make some fishing poles but when I got home I found out they gave me oak instead.  I’ve been bamboozled.

  When I was in peewee football the coach told us that to eat healthy we shouldn’t eat anything that has ingredients we can read.  The joke was on him because when I was in grade school I was reading a college level.

  You know I think there are so many games one could play with Instagram…homeless or hipster…bong or vase. Well just two actually.  Also I find it funny that phones have had such advanced cameras put in them with greater and greater pixels but you go on Instagram and you make the photos all blurry.  Also if you wanted to find out what it’s like to look at everything in real life like it was on Instagram you just urinate in some goggles and then wear them all day.

  In Wisconsin there’s a good way to tell if your girlfriend is the one.  You watch how she milks a cow.

  I like to think my cellphone holder is the same kind Fonzie would’ve used.

  Have you ever wondered if they named Magnum condoms after Magnum P.I.?  And if that is the case,it’s pretty cruel that they have Magnum condoms for guys with extra large penises but have no Higgins condoms for guys with the opposite problem.

  I went to the bar Sunday night and saw two guys wearing shirts that said “#1 Dad”.  I said that it was impossible to have two #1 dads so I made them fight for the title.  It was not a disappointing fight and I made a bunch of money off the betting.

  How to get people to follow you on Xanga: blog about quirky things that only you could like such as dinosaurs (and don’t forget the RAWR)and starbucks, blatantly display your sexuality, make sure you constantly mass message people to tell them you updated and to recommend your new post, and blog about Xanga drama even if it doesn’t involve you.

  It’s becoming apparent that I started this Xanga account with no clear exit strategy.

  I think it’s time someone developed a sarcasm font for Xanga.  It would certainly lead to less drama.
  

  I think the people who buy into Xanga drama and thrive off it are the same people who think professional wrestling is real.
  

  Sometimes life sucks but then I remember how many mentally ill people there are on Xanga and I start feeling better about my life.
  

  Wish me luck, I’m competing in the U.S. Olympics Comedy Team competition this weekend.
  

  Recommend this post if you enjoy breathing.

  • 8:23 PM
  • 66 Comments