June 23, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 6/22/12

  So this evening I decided to relax and watch a couple of rented movies.  First up was "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close".  I loved it.  I have been wary of movies that center around 9/11 but this one...this one really tugged at the heart strings and well I am man enough to admit that I had a few tears while watching.  The next movie definitely did not give me any feelings whatsoever.  It was "Chronicle".  I liked the Blair Witch Project but the one thing it unleashed on the film industry was that whole "lost footage" take on movies and it sucks.  I was surprised by the cast.  I only knew one guy and that's only because I was a fan of Friday Night Lights.  Anyway, I wasn't pleased so here I come to mock celebrities...round up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Well here's a shot of Sofia Vergara enjoying an ice cream cone.  Sure eating an ice cream cone is hot and all but I bet once you marry her she stops eating ice cream cones and will only eat ice cream in a dish with a spoon.  I hear that happens in a lot of marriages.
  
  Rihanna showed off a new t-shirt this week.  It's supposed to be a tribute to Tupac Shakur because he had a tattoo around his belly that said "Thug Life" but Rihanna decided she needed to make that a bit more classy.  Yes, that shirt is so classy it's only a matter of time before we see Hilary Clinton and Queen Elizabeth wearing it.
  
  Stacy Keibler took this photo to disprove all the pregnancy rumors out there.  Apparently having a flat stomach means you can't be in the early stages of pregnancy.  I guess I'm not a biology person because I went to Lutheran school and all but that seems a bit stupid.  Besides that I want her to be pregnant so I can call her baby the little Keibler elf.  Also, I always thought George Clooney got his junk snipped because he got tired of whatever his flavor of the month was at the time taking his used condoms and a turkey baster standing on her head trying to impregnate herself in the hopes of being set for life.
  
  I was sort of surprised this week by how many big names in the music industry had birthdays.  First up is Paul McCartney.  He turned 70.  It's hard to believe that he and Ringo are the only remaining Beatles.  I guess I talked quite a bit about Paul this week and describing the hoax of his death.  It does make for some interesting reading even if he didn't die.
  
  Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys turned 70 this week as well.  I absolutely adore The Beach Boys.  Their music is perfect for this time of the year.  Whenever I hear their harmonious strains I can't help but think of the warm weather and the beach.  Speaking of harmony, is there any band that had better harmony than the Beach Boys?  I can't think of any.  Wilson is a musical genius and if you want proof listen to the album Pet Sounds.
  
  Barry Manilow turned 69 this week.  He wrote the songs that made the whole world sing.  Yeah, I do enjoy Manilow.  There's something so comforting about his music.
  
  George S. Clinton of Parliament Funkadelic turned 65 this week.  This guy was one of the innovators of funk music and he's been sampled so many times.  I have to admit that PFunk wasn't that big when I was growing up but I had to grow into his music.  It was mostly after I saw a movie called PCU.  They were in that movie and I loved the music so I checked out a few of their songs.  Then I started getting into Red Hot Chili Peppers and well if you like some of their early to mid 90s material you'd definitely like PFunk.  I also have to say I dig his hair.
  
  Cyndi Lauper turned 59 this week.  I found it funny that she celebrated her birthday by being on a show that sort of gave her a big break.  She was in the WWF back in the early 80s and last Monday night she made her return to the ring.  It was quite awesome to see her back there.  Lauper got a lot of people into wrestling and a lot of wrestling fans got into music.  It was a perfect match and they often called that era of wrestling the Rock and Wrestling Era.
  
  Lionel Richie turned 63 this week.  I think the first song I ever obsessed over as a kid was his song "Dancing on the Ceiling".  I played it over and over and over and again because I kept thinking that maybe just maybe that the more I'd listen to it I'd be able to dance on my ceiling.  I was pretty stupid.
  
  Hahahahahahahaha...big names in the music industry...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  Rebecca Black turned 15 this week.  When was her birthday?  It wasn't on Friday Friday Friday, it was on Thursday Thursday Thursday.  What did she do?  She had fun fun fun fun.  God I have that song in my head now. 
  
  Well hot damn!  Miley Cyrus' briches ain't nearly big enough for her supple hind end.  Am I the only one who isn't surprised that she owns cut-off jean shorts?
  
  Meryl Streep turned 63 this week.  Oh man, oh lordy she still has it.  I'm always shocked that she is that "old".  I think she either found the fountain of youth or she made a pact with Satan.  I don't know which is more believable but I think we better start investigating.
  
  Remember last week when I wrote about how Lindsay Lohan was found unresponsive and friends called 911 because they were worried?  Well she took time out of her busy filming schedule to address the situation on Twitter: "Note to self.. After working 85hours in 4days, and being up all night shooting, be very aware that you might pass out from exhaustion & 7 paramedics MIGHT show up @ your door.... Hopefully theyre cute. Otherwise it would be a real let down."  Notice she didn't say exactly what she was up all night shooting.  I don't think she's worked 85 hours total since Mean Girls was in theaters.  So Lindsay deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor for filming a basic cable movie and becoming exhausted from such a hard work schedule. 
  
  This face of raw emotions and multiple layers of expressions is the face of the highest paid actress in Hollywood.  She now commands $34.5million a movie which is roughly $1 for every time she blinks in the entire Twilight trilogy.  Forbes put a list of the top ten paid actresses: 10. Jennifer Aniston - $12 million  9. Kristen Wiig - $12 million  8. Meryl Streep - $12 million  7. Sarah Jessica Parker - $15 million(not included is all the hay she receives)  6. Julia Roberts - $16 million  5. Charlize Theron - $18 million  4. Angie Jolie - $20 million  3. Sandra Bullock - $25 million  2. Cameron Diaz - $34 million  1. Kristen Stewart - $34.5 million  I actually think this list is depressing because of #1 and #2 making nearly three times as much per movie as Meryl Streep.  If you ripped out one of Meryl's pubic hairs, put a wig and make-up on it, and pushed it in front of a camera it would be a better actress than Cameron Diaz and Kristen Stewart.
  
  Now now now, I know what you're all saying right now..."Godfather, you told us that you were never going to write about She with the Big Ass Who Must Not be Named".  You're right, I said that but a story broke this week that I couldn't pass up the opportunity on writing.  Kris Humphries is spilling all the Kardashian family secrets.  Well he isn't revealing them exactly.  It's his exgirlfriend.  He texted her some of the Kardashian family secrets and now Myla Sinanaj is telling what he told her.  The juiciest bit was that Kim's mom, Kris Jenner, insisted that she make a sextape and when the first product wasn't to her liking she instructed Kim on how to reshoot it.  Representatives for the Kardashians say this is a lie.  Hmmm I don't think there's any lie here because I really do believe Kris Jenner is that disgusting.  There's no way a woman, who would lie to her own daughter about who her father is and uses Chinese slave labor to make a clothing line so she could get every single last cent, would lie about her involvement in her daughter's sextape.  Perpetuating a lie just so her name can be put on a check?  That is just plain nonsense.
  
  Well, girls, I know a lot of you say how much you love Johnny Depp and how much you want to marry his brains out.  Well the good news for you is he is now single.  Johnny broke up with his girlfriend of 14 years Vanessa Paradis.  They aren't saying who split from whom but there have been countless rumors circulating that Johnny has been thrown his junk into several female starlets including Amber Heard and one of the Olsen twins.  I don't know why he'd do that but Johnny is part Native American and as a Native American it is our duty to bang as many white women as possible because that's our reparations.  That and casinos, casino revenue checks, no sin tax, and little to now body hair.  I think I'm missing a few others.
  
  Fans have waited for 17 years for a true sequel to Dumb and Dumber and the loyal fans who've waited don't count that crap called Dumb and Dumberer.  Well the fans who've waited had good news a few months ago that said shooting the sequel, Dumb and Dumber To, was set to begin in September.  Well Jim Carrey dropped out because he didn't think the studio was committing to the project.  So I guess it's back to waiting and quoting lines from Dumb and Dumber.  So you're telling me there's a chance... *YEAH!*  PLEASE!
  
  I hate my life and I hate what America has become.  The cast of Jersey Shore makes $150,000 per episode and this season runs about 12 episodes and that basically totals $1.8million.  Then they get a $400,000 bonus at the beginning of the season and a $200,000 bonus at the end of the season and if there is any reunion show they'll receive another $150,000.  So basically they're making $2.5million this year just for being filmed while being idiotic.  Are you kidding me?  What the fuck is wrong with this country?  We have these shitheads making $2.5million and I know teachers that have to take summer jobs just to make ends meet.  I cannot believe in this country these bozos get paid 6 figures an episode to catch an STD and vomit on camera.  Maybe this is why Obama hasn't closed Guantanamo Bay.  He's going to have to lock them all up to cinch the 2012 election.  Of course the only people who care aren't old enough to vote so lock them up.
  
  Jack Osbourne just celebrated the birth of his first child two weeks ago.  He and his fiancee welcomed a baby girl into the world and named her Pearl Clementine.  Well in all that happiness of wiping up baby drool and diapers Jack lost 60% of his vision and then the doctors dropped shocking news to the 26 year old.  He has multiple sclerosis.  Jack told People magazine this: "I was just angry and frustrated and kept thinking, 'Why now?' I've got a family and that's what's supposed to be the most important thing. Then I got really sad for about two days, and after that I realized: 'Being angry and upset is not going to do anything at this point—if anything it's only going to make it worse.' 'Adapt and overcome' is my new motto."  Jack has been put on several meds and is going to undergo holistic treatments as well.  When I was in high school I lived with the principal's wife right behind the school.  She had MS and one of the ways she combated it was through bee stings.  She received bee stings three times a week and interestingly enough, after every therapy session she walked much better for quite a while.  Later on she also did horseback riding and that helped. Today you'd hardly know she has it.  Anyway, as much as I hated The Osbournes and their reality show, I wish the best for Jack.
  
  Never a dull Father's Day in the Woody Allen and Mia Farrow households.
  
  Oh man, I think I finally found the reason why Coco's always posing in such suggestive poses.  Male attention might be the only currency she knows.  Sort of sad actually but who am I to complain?
  
  This is Chris Hemsworth on vacation in Sydney and ladies, this is for you so eat it up.  I have to say I think Miley picked the wrong brother.  Oh well, we all know Hollywood marriages don't last so she could always end up with him.  I just want to say I have the same muscle definition as Thor there but I'm modest and I hide mine under fat, fat that I use to keep myself warm in winter.
  
  This week ABC aired a show called The Glass House and CBS was trying their hardest to prevent it from airing because they feel it is a blatant knock-off of CBS' hit Big Brother.  CBS went to a judge to stop it and also tried to get a restraining order but it didn't work and ABC aired the show.  I watched about 15 minutes and thought it was worse than Big Brother.  Well CBS put out something funny this week and I think this statement was funnier than anything CBS currently airs.  They announced they are going to air two new shows called Dancing on the Stars and Postermodern Family.  Here's the press release: "Los Angeles, June 21, 2012 – Subsequent to recent developments in the creative and legal community, CBS Television today felt it was appropriate to reveal the upcoming launch of an exciting, ground-breaking and completely original new reality program for the CBS Television Network.  The dazzling new show, DANCING ON THE STARS, will be broadcast live from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and will feature moderately famous and sort of well-known people you almost recognize competing for big prizes by dancing on the graves of some of Hollywood’s most iconic and well-beloved stars of stage and screen.  The cemetery, the first in Hollywood, was founded in 1899 and now houses the remains of Andrew “Fatty” Arbuckle, producer Cecil B. DeMille, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Paul Muni, Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, George Harrison of the Beatles and Dee Dee Ramone of the Ramones, among many other great stars of stage, screen and the music business. The company noted that permission to broadcast from the location is pending, and that if efforts in that regard are unsuccessful, approaches will be made to Westwood Village Memorial Park, where equally scintillating luminaries are interred.  “This very creative enterprise will bring a new sense of energy and fun that’s totally unlike anything anywhere else, honest,” said a CBS spokesperson, who also revealed that the Company has been working with a secret team for several months on the creation of the series, which was completely developed by the people at CBS independent of any other programming on the air. “Given the current creative and legal environment in the reality programming business, we’re sure nobody will have any problem with this title or our upcoming half-hour comedy for primetime, POSTMODERN FAMILY.”  “After all,” the spokesperson added, “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”
  I'm sorry but that is too funny but we already have a Dancing on the Stars and that's every time a young Hollywood starlet(i.e. Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Stodden) dresses up like Marilyn Monroe and thus they tap dance all over her grave.  I can't believe they are fighting over a show that's aired ONE EPISODE but that being said, I'd watch those fake shows.  And also CBS should lighten up because we all know TV shows copy each other.  Glee is a rip-off of Kids Inc.  Finding Bigfoot is a rip-off of Khloe and Lamar.  Auction Hunters is a rip-off of Storage Wars and Storage Hunters is a rip-off of Auction Hunters and Storage Wars.  Swamp People is a rip-off of The World According to Paris Hilton.
  
  Country music star and self-professed Christian, Carrie Underwood voiced her support for gay marriage this week and her fan base was upset.  Here's what she said and this is so SHOCKING: "As a married person myself, I don’t know what it’s like to be told I can’t marry somebody I love, and want to marry.  I can’t imagine how that must feel. I definitely think we should all have the right to love, and love publicly, the people that we want to love.  Above all, God wanted us to love others. It’s not about setting rules, or [saying] ’everyone has to be like me’. No. We’re all different. That’s what makes us special. We have to love each other and get on with each other. It’s not up to me to judge anybody."  Guess what.  Her fan base now thinks she's possessed by the devil.  Apparently it's cool to get pass-out drunk, beat your ex's car with a baseball bat, have children out of wedlock, smoke weed, and hate people with different skin colors.  But it is most definitely not cool to preach love and acceptance.  Here's some of the best tweets Carrie received in response to her statement: "I warned @carrieunderwood fans that their idol was going to get backlash for her support of marriage perversion and I was right! #asusual", "@carrieunderwood Is a disgrace. Being vegan and supporting gay marriage doesn’t seem very country at all", Another day, and a another ’gospel’ artist signed to ’EMI’ comes out supporting gay marriage. @ carrie underwood Unequally signed to the devil", "Using Christianity to defend and promote homosexuality is insulting. Ugh", "Being Saved doesn’t stop you from being dumb", and "Jesus just let go of the wheel".  One thing I've often had troubles with is how being Christian means being Christ-like.  And by saying you hate an entire segment of the population is doing the job wrong.  I wonder if people who claim they are Christians remembers who Jesus spent the majority of his time with while he was on earth.  Oh and people didn't like that so they had him killed.  It boggles my mind how people can be so adamantly against one thing the Bible says but skip over 99% of other sins.  I guess I'm at the point in life where I will let God be God.  1 Corinthians 5:12-13.
  
  It looks like Ashton Kutcher got confused while filming for Two and a Half Men and thought since he was the star they should call the show Where's Walden.
  
  Holy crap, Arnold Schwarzenegger has a muff on his face and for the first time in a long time it doesn't belong to the family maid.
  
  This is a first look at Angelina Jolie as a character named Maleficent.  This is a live action movie that will be about the villain Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty and will focus on the events that hardened her heart to curse the baby Aurora.  The movie is titled Maleficent is set to be released in 2014.  No jokes here, I'm sort of interested in this mostly because Angelina Jolie looks terrifying without make-up.  I'll have nightmares for months if I watch that.
  
  Alec Baldwin may have anger issues.  He was being trailed by the paparazzi all day and as he was leaving the New York Marriage License Bureau he decided to attack one of the photographers.  Why?  Because he's Alec Baldwin and he's an asshole.  Baldwin once called his daughter a little pig so just pushing a cameraman is actually better.  He treats cameramen better than his own children.  Baldwin went to Twitter and claimed that the photographer almost hit him.  In other words, he didn't almost hit Baldwin and a perfectly acceptable response is to assault the cameraman.  Did I mention that Alec Baldwin is an asshole?  A day later, Baldwin was leaving his apartment on his bike and he ran over the foot of a reporter from Inside Edition.  Baldwin took to Twitter and blamed everyone but himself: "I am told I ran over someone's foot on my bike today. I think it was that person who placed their foot under the wheel of my bike."  Yes, the 5'2" female reporter saw Baldwin coming a mile away and hatched a devious plan by sticking her foot out at the last second so he'd run it over.  Or maybe, just maybe, Alec Baldwin is an asshole who decided that he'd just ride through the group of reporters and could care less about what happens.  Which sounds like a more likely scenario?  This guy could rule a Middle Eastern nation with an iron fist.   I think I failed to mention but he is an asshole.
  
  I knew this was going to happen.  Rock of Ages is considered a box office bomb.  It debuted as the third place movie behind Madagascar 3 and Prometheus earning only $15million which is quite dismal considering it had a budget of $75million.  People are saying it's because of Tom Cruise.  He hasn't done much in way of promoting the movie.  He's had a few solo appearances and given a couple half-hearted interviews.  It's like he knew it was going to flop so he wanted to get away from it.  I think it also might have had something to do with Alec Baldwin being in the movie.  Did I ever mention that Alec Baldwin is an asshole?
  
  People are saying that ever since Britney Spears landed the judging gig on The X-Factor it's changed her life and she has finally kicked all her personal demons and she's ready to take a new step in her career.  To the people that say that I suggest they take a look at this recent photo and tell me they believe she's kicked all her demons to the curb.  Heck, it looks like she's hiding a box cutter behind her back and she's ready to plunge it in my neck.  I bet the next words out of her mouth are, "it puts the lotion in the basket."

  I hope you have a great weekend, boners.

  • 4:08 PM
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