June 30, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 6/29/12

  I was supposed to have my interview today but I got a call asking if I could reschedule for next week because the person giving the interview is on sick leave.  Just another week for me to prolong my nervousness.  Also weighing on my mind is the cat.  She acts like she is so much better but she isn't active.  She just goes between three places in my living room and sleeps the day away and is only somewhat active late at night and early in the morning.  I will probably end up taking her back to the vet tomorrow.  This is worrisome.  Well to get my mind off it for a few minutes here's the round up.
  
  

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Businessman and former presidential candidate Ross Perot turned 82 this week.  I am sort of surprised he's that "young" because I remember he seemed pretty old when he ran for president.  I vaguely remember his presidential run.  I remember more that he did run and gathered a lot of support but it didn't translate well for the G.O.P.  I think what I remember most of him was how Dana Carvey did an outstanding imitation of him on Saturday Night Live.  I also seem to remember he bought TV time during the election and had his own half hour show on all the networks.  I guess it's of to wikipedia for some studying.
  
  Nick Offerman turned 42 this week.  I love his character, Ron Swanson, on Parks and Rec.  Thankfully it will be coming back for a fifth season.  Anyway, if you think that this photo of Nick is a little too much then you haven't seen his work on Deadwood.
  
  Mel Brooks turned 86 this week.  This guy is a genius.  Just a few of his films include The Producers, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstien, History of the World pt. 1, and Spaceballs.  He also created the TV series Get Smart and has appeared in many different TV and movie roles.  If you haven't seen any of those movies, do yourself a favor and find one.  You'll enjoy it.
  
  Singer George Michael turned 49 this week.  Here he's on the bottom but I was sure he always classified himself as a top.
  
  TV personality and chef Anthony Bourdain turned 56 this week.  I'm sort of surprised he's that "young" because if you watch his show he seems so much older but that could be from all the world travel and abuse he's inflicted on his body.  Either way, I really dig this guy.  He's one of those modern day examples of what "cool" is. 
  
  Gary Busey turned 68 this week.  Hopefully with the passing of ACA, he can afford some dental work.  Sorry for giving you nightmares.
  
  Film director and writer Nora Ephron passed away this week at the age of 71 from either cancer or a blood disorder.  It's sketchy at this point.  Ephron is best known for her romantic comedies Silkwood, When Harry Met Sally, and Sleepless in Seattle.  She is survived by two sons and her husband Nicholas Pileggi who wrote two of my favorite movies, Goodfellas and Casino.  Ephron will be greatly missed.
  
  Miley Cyrus is getting hitched this weekend....most likely...probably...maybe...what do I know, I picked the Oklahoma City Thunder to beat the Miami Heat.  All I'm going on is one of Miley's recent tweets.  I guess it's fun to debate this because this week has been boring.  Here's the tweet: "Super lazy Sunday! Can’t wait for next week! It’ll be filled with happiness!"  Who knows what this means?  Happiness could mean she's getting married or it could be the name of her drug dealer or it could be what she calls grits or it could be a song she's working on.  I guess we'll find out on Sunday or not.  I just don't know how we'll manage with the suspense.
  
  I think Mel Gibson has discovered bath salts like the Miami Zombie.  All my Jewish friends...beware!  He could bite off your face.  Also we must protect Jon Stewart, he's our most valuable Jew.
  
  
  Lindsay Lohan posed for photographer Terry Richardson this week and this was the product of the photoshoot.  Why must you tease us so, Lindsay? 
  
  Katy Perry performed at Grauman's Chinese Theater at the premier of a documentary about her music.  As you can see Katy wore a dumb outfit which puts the focus on her breasts.  We should start playing a game called "What's Katy Perry wearing on her chest today?"  Also this week she was interviewed and she said that when she was a teenager she feared that her parents were going to strip search her for smuggling in rock music into their house.  She said that her parents only allowed her to listen to Christian music.  Well you know if I had a daughter with Katy's looks and features I'd probably only allow her to listen to gospel music too.  I might also take it a step further and not allow her out of the house.  I'd have to tell her that she needed to stay in the basement because zombies were attacking.  I'm not good at that parenting thing.
  
  RUN KATIE RUN!  Apparently Xenu lost control of Katie Holmes because after 5 years of marriage she is divorcing Tom Cruise.  They haven't been seen together in months so I guess this isn't a big surprise but in a way it is.  I guess her contract wasn't renewed.  Apparently Tom never saw this coming because Katie filed secretly in New York City this week.  She is also trying to get sole custody of Suri because Katie thinks that Tom is an awful parent and treats Suri like she's an adult.  Katie wants Suri to go to school whereas Tom prefers her to be schooled at Scientology centers.  Katie has never been an official member of the church and doesn't want Suri to have anything to do with Scientology and Suri is at the age when kids start learning in Scientology.  Now who will Tom dress in frilly pink dresses to parade in front of cameramen?  Hmmm I guess John Travolta is available.  Some people have noticed something odd about all of Tom's marriages.  When his wife hits 33 years old, they get divorced.  Tom married Mimi Rogers in 1987 at the age of 31.  She was 33 when they filed for divorce and 34 when the divorce was finalized.  Tom married Nicole Kidman in 1990 when she was 23 and she filed for divorce when she was 33 and it was finalized when she was 34.  Katie Holmes married Tom when she was 28 in 2006.  She's 33 now and if the divorce gets finalized after December then she'll be 34.  Is 33 the age limit established by Xenu and L. Ron Hubbard?  Do mind control spells wear off when a woman turns 33?  Also each of his wives is 11 years younger than the previous wife.  So Nicole Kidman is 11 years younger than Mimi Rogers and Katie Holmes is 11 years younger than Katie Holmes.  This means that his next contracted wife will be born in 1989 or 1990.  Hide your 22 year old actresses now!
  
  Kate Upton also posed for Terry Richardson this week.  I sort of get the feeling that this Richardson is like that creepy uncle that invited me down to his basement to take photos of me.  I also get the feeling that Terry Richardson is a lucky bastard.  Anyway this photoset was much better than his work with Lindsay Lohan.  We should all feel sorry for Kate.  It obviously looks like she can't afford to dry her shirts nor can she afford bras and she also can't afford full shirts.
  
  Kaley Cuoco posed for the Australian edition of Maxim magazine this week.  That is all.
  
  Well I guess not all Scientology marriages are on the rock because this is John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston kissing.  Can you believe people claim that Travolta is gay?  Not pictured is an erection or the remote semblance of one.
  
  Jessica Simpson sent out this photo of herself on Twitter this week with the caption "Just taking a walk around the block... Street legal???"  It looks like she has the entire Wisconsin milk industry in that shirt.  I guess that's what happens when you're pregnant for 49 months.  Her boobs are bigger than her head but still only half the size of Kanye West's head.  Her boobs are so big that I am legally prohibited from making fun of her anymore.  You may have won this battle, Jessica, but I will win the war.  OMG I am so "distracted".
  
  Jessica also tweeted a photo of her baby Maxwell.  Is it me or does this look like Jessica look like she's sending out a headshot of Maxwell to get her in the next Aliens or Prometheus movie?
  
  This is the cover of the new Playboy magazine.  Jenny has been using the words "classy" and "elegant" to describe "photoshop".  Here's what she told People magazine: "I'm really proud of it. The pictures are really gorgeous and classy. They could be out of W magazine. They're really elegant. It's probably a lot more sophisticated than a lot of the stuff you'd see of people with their clothes on."  Jenny McCarthy and the words "classy" and "elegant" go together like "Jenny McCarthy" and "sane" and "sound science".  I guess I wouldn't call any photoshoot where you show off your naked body "sophisticated".  Unless you count the photos I took of me in front of a fireplace that I mailed to Kate Upton and Olivia Munn.  Sure, the bear rug that I'm laying on is classy but it's the scepter I hold in my hand that drives home the sophistication.
  
  Jenna Jameson was officially charged with two counts DUI and one count of driving without a valid license this week.  She was arrested following an incident when she crashed her car into a lamppost on May 25th when she failed a field sobriety test and was shown to have blown a .13 on the breathalyzer.  I don't think that will hold up in court because lawyers will use her past blowing experiences to say she probably took the breathalyzer a little too deep.  She could face a year in jail if convicted on all charges.  Do you know how difficult it is to find a photo of her with clothes on and without exposed genitals near her?
  
  Jason Lee and his wife Ceren welcomed a baby boy into the world on June 16th.  They have kept the news private and announced it just this week.  The boy is his third child and they named him Sonny.  That's actually a tame name since his first son's name is Pilot Inspektor and his daughter's name is Casper.
  
  CHICK FIGHT CHICK FIGHT CHICK FIGHT CHICK FIGHT!  This may be the hottest chick fight ever unless Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin decide to square off.  Bar Refaeli(pictured) took to Twitter and made a comment about a soccer match.  She said that soccer player Ronaldo used too much hair gel.  Here's the tweet: "The only thing I can think of when I watch Ronaldo is that hair gel should really be outlawed!"  His girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Irina Shayk, defended him by tweeting back, "Being a hater is not a cute look. Learn to love."  Bar backed down and tweeted, "I love u and I love ur BF. I just don't like hair gel."  Those two need to quit acting like little kids and settle things like adults.  They need to have a sexy pillow fight.  There is no other way they can settle their differences.
  
  Aubrey O'Day obtained medical classification that classifies her dogs as emotional support animals.  This means that she can take them anywhere she wants including flights.  On a recent flight, she had them seated on her and in the seat next to her and she even let them eat off her food tray.  She flew on Virgin Atlantic and according to their website the airline requires the passenger to produce a letter from a licensed mental health professional which substantiates the guest's disability-related need for the animal to accompany them in the aircraft cabin.  I think she's on to something.  I want to fly to Mexico and I heard a news story about police officers being killed during a shootout at an airport.  I can't help but think that I would be a lot calmer if I got my doctor to write me a letter saying I need emotional support hardcore pornography.
  
  Anthony Davis was selected number one by the New Orleans Hornets in the recent NBA draft.  He's going to make a lot of money for dribbling a basketball but apparently he needs more.  He is taking it a little too far and is trademarking the phrases "Fear the Brow" and "Raise the Brow".  Please!  He's not the only person cursed with a unibrow.  I remember a guy a few grades below me in high school that had the most glorious unibrow.  That thing was almost as thick as the hair on his head.  Davis had this to say about the situation: "I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it. Me and my family decided to trademark it because it’s very unique.”  Like I'm going to go out and grow a unibrow because he has one.  I do have to admit that it is glorious and looks like a majestic bird in flight.  But he better recognize that he isn't first to have a unibrow.  He better fear the Frida Kahlo.
  
  Sookie Stackhouse and vampire Bill Compton are expecting twins or at least that's the rumor.  Their True Blood co-star, Sam Trammell, said this: "I’m so excited for them. We sent them a special gift.  It’s so interesting that True Blood has become, like, the ‘twins’ show.  It’s harder, having twins, but it’s all we know. So we’re trying to impart some decent wisdom. I told them to hold on tight!"  Sam has a set of twin boys.  It sure does sound like Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are expecting twins.  I bet vampire Bill is going to be upset with shapeshifter Sam.
  
  Here's Angelina Jolie on the set of Malcifent.  I guess her contract with Satan includes performing magic shows at Hell's birthday parties.
  
  Famous asshole Alec Baldwin is also allegedly getting married this weekend.  He and his fiance have decided that they aren't sending out proper invitations but will text people the day of the wedding so they can show up if they want.  They want to avoid paparazzi interference.  All the paparazzi need to do is follow around some of his brothers so they can feel like they are famous.  The couple will exchange vows and it will be followed by the assholian traditional punching of whoever the fuck is taking my photo.
  
  The Spice Girls reunited this week to announce that there would be a Spice Girls musical.  Look at them all.  They all seem excited about it except Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice.  She looks like she doesn't give a shit.  Well that's wrong because she can't physically give a shit since she probably had her digestive system removed for weight loss purposes.  British tabloids are reporting that she has gotten so skinny and so weak that she cannot even hold her baby.  She knows when she's being watched and she'll hold the baby but once the cameras are away she hands off the baby to bodyguards because she gets dizzy from lifting so much weight.  "You can never be too rich or too thin."  Wallis Simpson said that and I think Victoria is living by that saying.  I guess her doctor told her that the proper female weight is just enough for gravity to take effect.

  Sorry for all the birthdays.  I think the celebrities are on strike from doing weird things.  I hope you all have a great weekend.

  • 5:11 PM
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