July 25, 2012

• Motivation

  It was either this or a parody of 50 Shades of Grey.  I hope you enjoy my horrible jokes and shitty photos.  Oh well this is still better than the final seasons of Happy Days.

  The Muppets have ended their partnership with Chick-Fil-A.  I guess now we know the real meaning behind “The Rainbow Connection”.

  I figure there are a lot of weird fetishes out there so there has to be one where a girl likes a fat, sarcastic asshole with a blog.

  I wish that guy would call that Carly Ray Jepson so that song will be taken off the radio.  Apparently that guy called her because there is an alleged sex tape floating around the internet.

  Marijuana is legal on every planet but Earth.  Thanks a lot, Obama!  Do you think the Earth ever teases other planets for having “no life”?  Did you know “President Obama” is an anagram of “A Diaper Entombs”?  Oh and they say “every cloud has a silver lining”.  Why aren’t we mining and harvesting clouds in this economy, Obama?

  The Supreme Court may have decided on the ACA a while back but they are still split on whether or not Prometheus was a good or bad movie.

  Why are there never creepy guys in windowless vans around when I want some candy?

  I can’t help but wonder if Lady Gaga gets royalties fort hose Edge of Glory knife sharpeners.

  Tune in to the Olympics to see me compete for the gold in stealth wedgie picking.

  It’s the strangest damn thing but when I was 7 a bear wearing a forest ranger uniform told me that only I could prevent forest fires.  I have no clue why he picked me over all the other people in the world but he did so I am doing my damnedest not to start any forest fires.

  I think the only reason girls love my small penis is because it makes their butts look big.  Girls want to have big butts, right?

  I like steak so much that it makes my heart skip a beat.  Actually it makes it skip two beats.  Maybe I should call that ambulance.

  Justin Bieber got in trouble with the law for speeding.  Next on the agenda, he’s planning on jaywalking and then drinking some wine coolers.

  Jerry Springer and Mardi Gras are proof enough for me that there are women out there who will show me their boobs just to get plastic beads.

  I love Law & Order so much.  I think I’ve seen every episode.  My favorite is the one where Law asks Order to marry him and then they make out.

  Why is it that people are totally OK with shooting animals into space for exploration but can’t handle two dudes holding hands?

  For my next birthday, I’m having an ice cream social and you’re all invited.  I know this isn’t a joke but I just wanted to see if you’re paying attention.  A quiz will be had later on in the year and I imagine a lot of you will say, “But I didn’t get invited”.  But you did!

  So if I read 50 Shades of Grey will it improve my non-existent sex life like what everyone says it does?  Will I have to go out and buy an extra bottle of Udderly Smooth?

  I’m pretty sure they’re going to have to start dragging the homeless off the street to get judges for American Idol.  Maybe everyone is quitting because Randy Jackson smells which would support my homeless theory.

  I sort of wish life had a fast forward button so I could go to the point in life when I’m rich and famous and everyone is kissing my ass but knowing my track record with fast forwarding I would probably go too far and wind up at the point where I’m dead.

  Farmers who love farming more than women tend to go by the motto, “Hoes before hoes.”

  I hate when skinny people say they eat whatever they want.  Usually they don’t want to eat a tube of cookie dough like I do.

  I started a taxi service and I’m going to call it Cash Cab.  When people get in, bells,whistles, and lights will go off and then I’ll turn around and say, “Hi,welcome to Cash Cab, the game where you give me money and I take you places.”

  Everything I needed to know about whether or not police officers are allowed to search in my car, I learned from a Jay-Z song.

  I just found out that people who have “420” in their urls have some ties to CANNABIS!  How did you all not realize this?  Do you think that is funny?  They could go to jail for drug paraphernalia.
  

  From all the errors in my posts, you’d think English was my second language.  Sadly, it’s not, it’s my first and I can’t even speak it good. Even worse, I’m licensed to teach middle school English.

  I have always wondered about the term “bread winner of the family”.  I wonder what sort of freaky,back-alley games a person plays where the prize is bread.

  I have a new drinking game for white people.  Watch a Tyler Perry movie or TV show and take a drink each time they make a bigoted comment against whites or reference something you don’t understand.

  And now, your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I’ve spent some time listening to Gorillaz lately and I’m not entirely convinced they are using actual words in their songs.

  Why is it that it only takes one relationship to end badly and it turns you into a jaded person? Why is it that the death of your fiancé turns you into a sulking, bitter blogger who thinks that love is unattainable?

  I don’t think stores understand the psychological damage they inflict upon the populace when they start advertising “Back to School”sales in July.

  I am tasteless and so is water and we all need water so I guess you all need me.  But if you like water then you like 70% of me.

  You know what I hate worst about this heat…wearing cologne.  You put some on and then you start sweating and then you end up smelling like the air fresheners they put in those portapotties.

  I was making out with this girl and I told her to whisper something sexy in my ear so she said, “Go Packers.”  Needless to say I needed a change of undergarments.

  History tells us a great deal of stories and that is why you should always clear your computer’s history.

  I don’t know which is more shocking, that Fred Willard got caught beating off in a porn theater or that there are still porn theaters.

  The only thing worse than getting the “short end of the stick” is hearing a girl say that while giving you a handjob.

  Do girls like it when you cook for them?

  “May contain nudity”???? Either there’s nudity or there isn’t.  Stop wasting my time.

  I don’t like going to strip clubs anymore because if I want to see a bleached asshole I can do it a lot cheaper by staying at home and watching “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives”.

  The worst part about having my hand get caught in a Pringles can is when I can’t get it out because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

  I hold the world record for having the sex the most amount of times for a guy who knows all the lyrics to Linger by The Cranberries.

  I have to come clean which is why I masturbate in the shower.

  A Xanga Public Service Announcement: Sarcasm doesn’t translate well on the internet because sarcasm doesn’t always translate into text.  Don’t use sarcasm in your posts because someone will always ALWAYS take it seriously.  Don’t act shocked if they do because it is inevitable.  The more you know.

  Have you ever had sex dreams about a Xangan?  Well I have and instead of saying their real name during the act I said their screen name.

  I’m starting a petition to change the definition of“asswipe” from “something you use to wipe your ass” to “someone who creates a Xanga account just to mess with someone and cause drama”.

  Looking for love on Xanga will only lead to one thing, you being fucked, literally or figuratively. Anyone up for a Xanga meet-up?

  Time machines would be great if they had an option where you could go back in time to prevent people from causing Xanga drama by slapping them in the face.
  

  I think my work at Xanga is done.  I’ve tricked the lot of you into thinking that I’m relevant when I’m just a regular Joe Schmo who has a few successful posts.  Actually…I’m an ass but I love the lot of you.  I really enjoy those of you who have differing opinions yet keep your mouths shut and respect my opinions and don’t send hate or block me because I think differently and don’t fall in line.
  

  Half the jokes didn’t make sense this week.  Can you spot which ones?  It may earn you a Xanga mini.

  • 11:59 PM
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