July 26, 2012

• 50 Shades of Gary

  (I found this a while back somewhere on the intertubes.  I can't remember where actually.  It was before my cat got sick.  It was probably from some fan fiction site because for a while their I was into this site on Tumblr that promoted bad fan fiction and I'd go out to some of the sites looking for more.  Either way I found this and I had copied it to a word document so I could fix spelling and grammar because some of it was pretty poor but I guess that was part of my initial appeal because I hear 50 Shades of Grey is awful when it comes to those things.  Anway, this is a parody of 50 Shades of Grey.)

  
  He woke up after another long night of that taunting, repetitive dream. He quickly pushed it out of his mind as he yelled, “I’MMMMMM READY!”. He hopped out of bed and said hello to Gary,to which he replied “meow”. With speed only a cartoon character could imitate,he put on his squared clothing, and grabbed his work hat, all the while sending bubbles flying toward the surface of the room.
  
             Try as he might, he could not forget the journey he took last night to the boating school. Hoping to find his lost pencil, he opened the door to find Mrs.Puff, sprawled across her table, wearing nothing but her black lingerie that she had kept locked up since her husband was turned into a fashionable lamp.She was fed up with teaching Spongebob in her boating class, and was desperate for a way to get him to finally graduate and leave.

             “Well, hello Spongebob. What brings you here on this nautical night?”, she said seductively

             “Mrs. Puff! What are you doing?!”, pure surprise in his voice

             “Now, now Spongebob, we both know how much you really want your license…and I am prepared to give you the deal of a lifetime.”

             “But, Mrs. Puff, that would be cheating! I need to find my pencil!”

             Spongebob gasped as Mrs. Puff, with incredible flexibility, hopped off the table and pushed him into the wall. All he could think was that there was no one around for a mile…

             Mrs. Puff’s fin slid down to his mid-section, and she whispered into his ear,“I think I found your pencil.”
  
  *  *   *

  It was just another dull day at work. As he stared at his magazine subscription, Ballet Seamphony, he could not help but think about the beautiful woman he saw at the Kelp Mart. He was picking up a jar of pickles when the woman in front of him dropped her candied kelp. She bent down to pick them up and Squidward was presented the best view of the most phenomenal ass he had ever seen. His jaw simply dropped and he could not believe that such beauty existed. Thinking quickly, he ran to her cart stealthily and dropped one of the items to the ground.

       “Ma’am I’ll get that”, he said in a snarky voice, picking up the item which was deliberately dropped to the ground.

       She turned around and said “Thank you so much!”

       He held out his hand to introduce himself. She took his hand and he said in a low voice, “My name is Squidward, and you are simply the most exquisite thing I’ve seen in my life aside from my instrument…and my clarinet”

       She let out a low giggle, “My name is Mrs. Puff, and now what do you mean by instrument sir…” She stared at him seductively.

       “I think you have some sort of idea” he cackled, his nose flopping up and down…

       BING, “Order up!” Being taken out of his trance, Squidward automatically felt annoyed, taking the order. He gave Spongebob the familiar bored, judgmental look.
  
  *   *   *

    Mr. Krabs was outside of his house tending to his flowers on this fine day-off.  He had Pearl on his mind and was thinking about how much he wished that he could have given her a mother. But he was a washed up old man and had nothing going for him. No woman would ever see anything in him, and he learned to deal with that fact.

       Suddenly a boat came driving by and started sputtering. It broke down in front of his house and so naturally, he went to see if there was anything that he could do to help the poor lady sitting inside. She got out and took off her sunglasses to reveal the most beautiful eyes that Krabs had ever seen throughout the seven seas. It was Mrs. Puff.

       “Mrs. Puff!”

       “Oh! Krabs!”

       “Why, it has been years since I’ve seen you” he scanned her body and was instantly turned on. She was filling out her tights better than the last time he saw her…and he liked it. “You look great.”

       Embarrassed of how their last relationship went, she replied, “Oh you do too Krabs… Is there anything you can do to help me?” As she said this, she examined him and noticed that he was in better shape than ever before… and she loved the way he was staring at her, it made her feel beautiful.

       Krabs replied, “Of course!” to which Mrs. Puffs giggled. He instantly started to look for the problem.

       Mrs. Puff could not keep her eyes off of him. She fixed her cleavage and walked around to him, and with a brave impulse, grabbed his crotch with her fin.

       “Oh!”, yelped Mr. Krabs, to which Mrs. Puff whispered, “Shhhh… I think you should take me upstairs.

       They both ran to the bedroom where Mr. Krabs stripped her down until she was absolutely naked. She looked fantastic and had the figure of a barrel. They instantly started to fornicate. She moaned and yelled because it was something that she hadn’t felt for years. She forgot about how amazing it was and she screamed for more.

       “Krabs harder!”,  he pushed and pulled out harder and faster. Then suddenly the hammock they were laying on broke and they fell down, through the floor and straight into Pearl’s room.

       Krabs and Puff both looked around and found Pearl and three of her friends lying in her bed. Pearl let out a wail.
  
  *  *   *

  BING,“Order up!” Being taken out of his trance, Squidward automatically felt annoyed, taking the order. He gave Spongebob the familiar bored, judgmental look.

  Squidward gave the customers their meal and looked to the door to find the most awe-inspiring sight. Mrs. Puff and all of her beauty came through the door.Squidward ran to his position ready to take her order. But she didn’t walk to him, she noticed him and gave a wink, but went straight to Mr. Krabs’ office.  Spongebob noticed her coming and told Squidward, “Isn’t she…beautiful”.

  Squidward,bewildered, turned around to Spongebob, “WHAT? You know that woman?”

  “Oh yeah, Squidward, she’s my boating instructor!” He replied happily, “ And…she’s so beautiful”.

  “Well you can’t have her! It’s obvious that she is interested in a man with more talent than you can fill all of the holes on your body with”.

  “But Squidward! She’s my boating instructor! I’ve known her for much longer than you! Stay away from her!”

  They both exchanged one look, and immediately ran to the door to Mr. Krabs’ office.Fighting the whole way, they reached the door and slammed it open to find Mrs.Puff sprawled out on the table with her legs wide open, Krabs centered in between them.

  “Boys get out! OUT!” yelled Mr. Krabs, but Squidward and Spongebob did not listen. They were both so entranced by the urge to go and have their way with Mrs. Puffs that they slammed the door and Mrs. Puffs suddenly found herself to be subject to a gang bang. Spongebob immediately took full control of her mouth and Squidward the luscious ass he witnessed at the Kelp Market. Mr. Krabs was confused at first but decided that as long as he was also having his way with this sex god, it really didn’t matter. Mrs. Puff, full of Spongebob, could only gurgle as she tried to tell them to make it harder. But they understood what she wanted, and they gave it to her. Hard.

  5 Howas Latea

  The restaurant had no idea what was going on. Customers walked in and saw that no one was at the cash register and no one was making the patties. So the restaurant eventually emptied out.

  The love group walked out of Krabs’ office. “That was amazing”, “Something only reserved for gods”, “Incredible”. They all complimented Mrs. Puff on her amazing work.

  She chuckled, “That’s really nice of you all. But you must remember. I’m a poisonous puffer fish.”

  And she cackled maniacally as Spongebob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs realized that they only had until sunset before they would die of the venomous fluids that Mrs. Puff voluntarily exposed each of them to during their love session. Mrs.Puff immediately inflated and an ambulance came with lightning speed and took her away.

  All three of them went to the cliff to watch the sunset together, knowing that they would die together. Squidward stared deeply into Spongebob’s eyes. This was not the first time that he went through something like this with Spongebob. They both cried into each others’ arms as Mr. Krabs, tears streaming down his face,mouthed the countdown that would end with the sun setting.

  “Five…four… three… two… on-“

  BOOM

  The end

  • 8:32 PM
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