August 1, 2012

• Motivation

  I used to be funny.  I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

  One of the biggest plot twists in all of cinema would be if they got an actual teenager to play a teenager.

  After it was revealed that Sally Ride was gay, Mitt Romney retracted his words of admiration due to pressure from Chik-fil-A.  Big Chicken is trying to play a big part in this election but then if you don’t agree with their beliefs don’t eat there.

  I’m suffering from boredom. Thanks a lot, Obama.

  I just saw this commercial that featured Mitt Romney singing.  He is not a good singer and he has no chance at winning American Idol so I have no clue why he’s even running in the first place.

  I think at this point the Brewers ought to look at drafting a teeball stand because I’m sure the teeball stand could pitch better than their bullpen.

  I don’t want a blowjob as much as I want a blowcareer.

  I don’t think society is as fucked up as we think it is.  I think we’re just a bunch of pussies that can’t handle traumatic shit.

  Whenever I see a girl with gauges in her ears I wonder if she has sex with a guy who sticks his penis in that hole.

  I’ve been eating so much Greek yogurt lately that I’ve begun to end all my sentences with “opa,” getting my gold medallion tangled in my chest hair, and putting Windex on everything.

  You don’t know hilarious until you see your mother lecture a cat about puking on the floor.

  I once had the privilege of sitting in on a writing session for “The Big Bang Theory”.  One writer spoke up and said, “Hey, guys, what if instead of saying ‘sex’ we’d have the characters say ‘coitus’?”  The rest of the staff screamed, “BRILLIANT!”

  If Romney wins, I hope I’m not too old so I can join the Romney Youth.  If Obama wins, I hope I’m not too old to be put down by the roaming death panels.

  Why is everyone freaking out about the CEO of Chik-Fil-A being against slave labor while using their Apple products that are produced via slave labor in China?  I also don’t get why vegans are so against milk from cows because cows are supposedly mistreated yet they wear shoes made in Chinese sweatshops.  Also why the fuck are we holding CEOs of fast food restaurants to a higher standard than our politicians?  And yes I realize I’m a hypocrite.

  Do you think homophobes have rethought their enjoyment of Mr. Mom and Mrs. Doubtfire?

  Drugs are pretty cool because they’re about the only thing teaching Americans about the metric system these days.

  Every four years I’m reminded of The Olympics.  Not the sporting event but the band and their song “Western Movies” because that song was playing the first time I saw women playing volleyball in their skimpy and tight and low cut and tight and formfitting and hot uniforms.

  I know when people are having computer issues based on the absence of Facebook game requests.

  I sort of enjoy using the handicapped stall in public bathrooms because it’s sort of a rush because a handicapped person may come in and need it and I have it occupied.  It’s like playing with fire.

  I don’t like hanging out with my friends all that much anymore because I feel like a third wheel but I shouldn’t feel bad because if a tricycle didn’t have a third wheel it would be useless.  Right?

  My mom used to love this game called “talk at a normal level from the other side of the house and get pissed off because I didn’t hear her”.  Now she’s just deaf and yells all the time.

  Sex is sort of like the Olympics.  It occurs every four years, costs a lot of money, and has Mary Poppins fight Voldemort.

  The greatest achievement in my life thus far was being represented as a piece of confetti at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.

  I bet the Chinese Olympic team felt pretty proud as they walked in because they realized that they basically made everything there.

  I don’t know which is worse when watching a movie at a theater, being the only person in the theater to not understand a joke and stare deadpan at the screen or being the only person to get an obscure reference causing you to laugh your ass off.

  Rainy nights are great because they make me want to stay up until 4AM watching movies and eating fried foods.  It’s just weird that I do this even when it isn’t raining.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I once tried social interaction but referencing Silence of the Lambs five times in a conversation backfired.  I guess talking about eating someone’s liver with fava beans and a nice chianti comes off as weird.

  Did you know that your iPads, iPhones, and iPods can be used as scales?  You simply stand on it and if it breaks then you’re too fat.  It also means you’re pretty stupid.

  I wonder why more psychiatrists don’t set up shop in IKEA.

  Breakfast commercials always talk about their product being part of a complete breakfast.  I think the reason my life is so messed up is because I’ve been eating incomplete meals all these years.

  My uncle Joe worked at a Wonder Bread factory until he go this genitals stuck in one of the mixing machines at the factory.  Now he’s the bread wiener of the family.

  Have you ever felt as useless as a poke on Facebook?

  I watched the USA vs. Brazil women’s volleyball match on Monday.  That was the first time I masturbated at noon while watching NBC in quite a longtime.  And by long time…probably two weeks.

  If I ever take a girl out on a date, I usually leave my gas cap open and dangling because that way people will wave and honk at me and my date will think I’m famous.

  I am so sickened by the term “cumming”.  I prefer to use the expression “going number 3”.

  The Olympics are pretty much the only place it’s acceptable to say, “Fuck you, France.”  Oh wait, I say that on a daily basis.

  Elizabeth Berkley, who played Jessie on Saved by the Bell, gave birth to as on.  No word on whether she named him Zack or Slater.

  I was forced off the U.S. Olympic diving team.  No one told me that the judges weren’t looking for killer cannonballs with maximum splashing.

  I think I’ll let my forehead grow out another inch or two.

  I think the only people excited about the Olympics are the Olympic athletes and my little cousin but then he gets excited every time he ties his shoes correctly.

  Continuing on his “Piss Off the World” Tour, Mitt Romney was in Poland today and kept saying, “But I thought the Polish submarines had screen doors.”

  I feel like boycotting Xanga because I can’t post this in72pt font like I can on MS Word.  That’s denying me my freedom of speech.

  I think being on Xanga is great because I’m ugly and I earned all my followers through my charming personality or witty banter and not because I’m hot.  I guess I should feel lucky because I don’t have to worry about wondering if people follow me because they like my material or because I’m hot.

  I honestly like some of you Xangans so much that you could send me death threats written with pig’s blood and I wouldn’t unfriend or block you.  I really appreciate you appearing in my footprints even if you don’t comment and I love seeing you appear in my inbox.  Sorry I’m getting all sentimental and shit but you people have been so good for me.

  I am such a badass that I have Ezekiel 25:17 memorized and say it every time I block someone on Xanga. It’s just too bad Tarantino changed the verse to make it more dramatic for Pulp Fiction.

  New Xanga motto: Xanga, the place where tolerance is required unless you have a differing opinion then fuck you and delete your blog.

  I’m actually sort of embarrassed for all of you adults over how you get so bent out of shape when people have a different opinion than you and you hate them because of it.  So many of you have turned me off of politics.

  Xanga didn’t ruin my life. I was already a loser before I joined this site.

  I just read a post on Xanga that was so confusing that I had no idea what the person who wrote it was trying to say.  I also thought they must be on heavy narcotics.  The fact that it was something I wrote is completely irrelevant.

  • 5:20 PM
  • 44 Comments