August 11, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 8/10/12

  I haven't done one of these since June.  Life has been quite interesting in that span.  I had to get out tonight because there was a tractor pull in town and that brought in so many, how shall I put this delicately, "odd" people.  Then the fumes from the pull were getting to me as were the sounds.  And they do it all over again tomorrow.  I don't get what is so special about these tractor pulls.  Hell, they aren't even tractors.  They're just these big engines with four tires.  I've never seen any of them plowing out in the fields.  OK enough ranting about tractor pulls.  It's time for the round-up.
  
  

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Victoria Silverstedt was so excited that her fellow Swede, Sara Algotsson Ostholt, won a silver medal in equestrian that she's ripping off her bikini.  Who knew that not only was she a junkie for old rich men but also the Olympics?
  
  After finishing his last event, Ryan Lochte got hammered and took home that lovely girl.  He must've really be swimming in the liquor.  Stay golden, my friend.  #Jeah
  
  I was hoping that for the closing ceremonies of the Olympics on Sunday that we'd see Morrissey perform and dance around with the Queen instead of the Spice Girls but that won't happen.  Morrissey took to his website to discuss his hatred for the Olympics even though he doesn't watch the Olympics.  "And, yet! I am unable to watch the Olympics due to the blustering jingoism that drenches the event. Has England ever been quite so foul with patriotism? The "dazzling royals" have, quite naturally, hi-jacked the Olympics for their own empirical needs, and no oppositional voice is allowed in the free press. It is lethal to witness. As London is suddenly promoted as a super-wealth brand, the England outside London shivers beneath cutbacks, tight circumstances and economic disasters. Meanwhile the British media present 24-hour coverage of the "dazzling royals", laughing as they lavishly spend, as if such coverage is certain to make British society feel fully whole. In 2012, the British public is evidently assumed to be undersized pigmies, scarcely able to formulate thought.  As I recently drove through Greece I noticed repeated graffiti seemingly everywhere on every available wall. In large blue letters it said WAKE UP WAKE UP. It could almost have been written with the British public in mind, because although the spirit of 1939 Germany now pervades throughout media-brand Britain, the 2013 grotesque inevitability of Lord and Lady Beckham (with Sir Jamie Horrible close at heel) is, believe me, a fate worse than life. WAKE UP WAKE UP."  You know I love the term jingoism and I think so many people confuse patriotism with it and most people think jingoism is a male medical condition with the ding dong.  Morrissey hating the Olympics is sort of like people saying they don't watch porn.  We all know you have the tab on your computer open to Masterpiece Theater just in case someone walks in.  But "dazzling royals"...if he wasn't going to retire that would make for an awesome album title.  My take is, if you don't like then don't watch and let other people decide for themselves.
  
  And the gold medal for best dressed at the Olympics goes to Germany for their contestant Micaela Schaefer.  What there are no medals for best dressed?  Well it's better than watching fucking horse dancing.  Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit für das deutsche Vaterland! Danach lasst uns alle streben Brüderlich mit Herz und Hand! Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit sind des Glückes Unterpfand; Blüh' im Glanze dieses Glückes, Blühe, deutsches Vaterland!
  
  If not wearing a bra and taking photos of yourself in front of a mirror was an Olympic sport, Miley Cyrus wouldn't medal.  And that is thanks in part to her vegan diet.  She lost her chest.  Everyone, thank the vegans.  Also this week Miley was interviewed about her engagement to Liam Hemsworth.  She said she was surprised by the ring he gave her and that she loved it because it was old and had a story.  It's a hand-cut diamond ring from the late 1800s so the story it's telling is that it is a blood diamond forged in the exploitation of Africa by colonial powers.  Blood diamonds FTW!  I guess I'm missing the point.  At age 19 we should be congratulating Destiny Hope (hey it is her real name) for not having 5 kids with 5 of her family's hired farmhands.  I bet the real story behind the ring is that Miley paid her boyfriend to have it smuggled out of some African country in an orifice of a refugee.  She also probably wears perfume made from the tears of war orphans who have lost limbs because of landmines. 
  
  Miley also tweeted this nude photo of her and her friend Jen Novak.  Miley wrote on Twitter: "our love is our greatest art"  Jen replied, "After today...i have a whole new appreciation for this pic;)"  Miley responded "Cause were breasttttt friends"  Miley thinks she's pushing the limits but this is pretty weak.  I'm going to need to see a leaked sex tape before I think she's edgy and hardcore. 
  
  Every time I see Sofia Vergara I say "Dios mio!"  Apparently when you go to Latin American countries, the custom officials will ask for your passport and then ask you to turn around and stick out your butt before your allowed access to the country but that is only if you have a large enough ass.  Well maybe in my dirty mind and from what Sofia Vergara says.  She says that she won't go to the gym to workout because it will make her 32F breasts and her bubble butt shrink and then she may lose credibility in her home country.  In the new Allure magazine she talks about working out: "My ass gets smaller, and my boobs get smaller. I don't mind when the boobs get smaller. I don't like when the ass gets smaller. In Latin America, if you don't have a big ass, you're nothing.  We're loud. We're passionate. We're colorful. We're voluptuous ... I am not scared of the stereotype of the Latin woman, because I think that's fantastic."  So I guess if you're skinny and suffer from noassatall in Latin America you have no chances of finding your place in life.  Maybe you can hope for a back alley surgeon with a can of Fix-a-Flat.  I think we should trade some of the little-assed Latin Americans for the three large-assed Kardashians.
  
  A rumor is circulating the web saying that Selena Gomez is knocked up because she has a bulging belly when wearing this dress.  OH MY GOD SHE HAS A BELLY!  SHE HAS A BIEBER IN THE OVEN!  Bieber has it all backwards.  First you grow pubes and then you knock up your girlfriend, not vice versa you silly boy.
  
  Sam Elliot turned 68 this week.  I have always enjoyed his work.  I don't think I've seen anything with him in it that I haven't enjoyed.  I know my mom is a huge fan.
  
  When last we left Randy Travis he was living out a country song by getting drunk in his car that was parked in a church parking lot.  Not much has changed as Randy is still a drunk.  This week Randy was arrested for DWI and threatening police officers after he hit several construction barrels in his 1998 Pontiac Trans Am.  He went into the ditch and police showed up on the scene.  Travis got out of his car and started yelling at the cops.  He was completely naked.  That could happen to everybody.  Tonight when I left the house I started walking out the door and realized I wasn't wearing pants.  My boxer briefs are that comfortable.  He refused to take a breathalyzer so he was taken into custody and while in the back of the police car, Randy threatened to kill the police officers.  So he drives drunk and threatens to kill cops and all he gets are two charges and a pair of paper pants?  If that were you or me, we'd be tased right in the naughty bits.  I bet the cops arrested him because they were scared when Randy challenged them to a race with his Trans Am.  Oh well...I'm going to love you forever, forever and ever amen.
  
  Paris Hilton was spotted getting friendly with Chris Brown at a nightclub this week and of course by "spotted" I mean Paris took the photo and posted it on her Twitter and website.  They are perfect for each other.  Chris will get herpes and Paris will get beaten.  Who am I to stand in the way of true love and cheap corrective eye surgery?
  
  So Octomom is still in need of money even after her sextape and her stripping and her business venture OctoLoans.  Now she is starting a music career and her first single is called "Sexy Party".  I haven't heard it but I'm thinking I'll download it once it because available.  The cover art was released on TMZ this week.  I'm thinking that TMZ is solely responsible for keeping her in the news.  I'm getting all sorts of tributes on this cover.  The handbra is a tribute to Janet Jackson and the crucifixes are supposedly a tribute to Madonna's "Like a Prayer".  I want to know how those crucifixes stayed right side up and didn't turn upside down being faced with all that darksidedness.
  
  Hold on to your genitals, someone out there is trying to sell a sextape featuring Minka Kelly.  It may never be seen because there is a chance that she was not of legal age when it was shot.  People at TMZ saw the video and claim that Minka was aware of the camera.  Also there is music playing in the background.  There are two songs playing from Brandy's album "Never Say Never" which was released on June 8, 1998 which was 16 days before Minka turned 18.  Some people are claiming that the music was added to make it appear she was over 18 but that can't be because she sings along to the songs.  I don't know how that would prove she is or isn't legal.  I could make a sextape with Weezer's blue album playing in the background.  That came out a few years before I turned 18 but that doesn't mean I wasn't legal when it was filmed.  Anyway, that being said, all people need to stop filming themselves having sex because if you do and at some point in your life become a little famous that tape will surface.  Still, more thanks go out to Minka for being so stupid; it will be a nice change to have an actual attractive and moderately accomplished person in a sex tape for once instead of the usual desperate for fame glorified urinals.
  
  This is a still shot from Megan Fox's new movie "This is 40".  It's directed by Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann is doing what countless men and women have wanted to do for years.  If that movie doesn't win an Oscar for best movie then Hollywood really is gay.
  
  Maureen McCormick turned 56 this week.  It's hard to believe that Marcia Brady is that old.  I give Marcia a lot of coverage here.  MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA
  
  M. Night Shyamalan turned 40 this week.  PLOT TWIST!  He's actually 42 and his career died with The Last Airbender.
  
  I'm already anticipating writing a story about a crack shortage and rehab stints by Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan in a few months because news came out this week that Lindsay and Charlie will be part of Scary Movie 5. The Warlock and Crackzilla will be united on the screen.  The Rapture is coming!  The Mayans were right!  The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are galloping to get away from their drug fueled jackassery.  The only good that can come out of this is if they run out of the bad shit and turn on each other and fight it out UFC style.  You know how in old cartoons when a character is starving and they look at another character they see them as an item of food?  Well they are going to see each other as a pile of crack and it won't be pretty.  Basically this is what will happen.
  
  Lady Gaga showed off a new tattoo.  Apparently this is the name of her new album.  Hmmm I think she forgot to add the "F" which would perfectly describe her music.
  
  Jessica Simpson has dropped 40lbs...according to an insider.  They claim she gained 60lbs during her pregnancy and she has dropped 40.  Are we still going with the story that she gained all the weight after getting knocked up by that NFL free agent aka unemployed guy.  I wanted to get out my old copy of Guinness World Records and see how long the longest human pregnancy was but I'm lazy and don't give a shit.  Jessica hasn't done anything for my erectile dysfunction or my faith in humanity since 2008.  Jessica needs to start acting like Ashlee.  Who would've thought the least embarrassing thing to happen to a Simpson girl was getting knocked up by Pete Wentz and lip-synching on Saturday Night Live?
  
  Jennifer Tilly is 53 and she's an ageless wonder and defier of gravity.  Did I ever tell you about the time I played poker against her?  I was so in awe of those magnificent chi chis that I totally lost.  Oh wait, I was mesmerized by her chest once again.  I never played poker against her.  Sorry, they are distracting.
  
  When Americans go to the polls in November they should remember the words of former porn star Jenna Jameson when casting their ballot.  Minutes before Jenna bared her vagina at a strip club, she told a news team that she was throwing her support behind Mitt Romney.  Even though she supported Hilary Clinton in the 2008 election, Jenna thinks it's best to support the Republicans.  Why?  Here's what she said, "I’m very looking forward to a Republican being back in office.  When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office."  And she conveniently forgot that Romeny said he wanted to ban all porn in 2008.  Apparently Jenna forgot that her job of cock gobbling and muff munching would be shipped overseas if Mitt becomes president.  I think Obama should just throw in the towel now that Romney has her endorsement. 
  
  George Clooney was spotted in Italy this week and the cameraman asked him how many women he went through that morning and that was George's answer.
  
  Garrison Keillor turned 70 this week.  He had a huge celebration in Lake Woebegone where the Lutherans and Catholics banded together to have the biggest party their town ever saw and Ole Swenson decided to bake the biggest cake but chicken farmer Berthold Schwartzkopf refused to sell Ole any eggs because Ole accidentally spilled hot butter on Berthold at Saint Kazmerick's annual lutefisk feed.  What the hell did I just write?  OK is it me or does he look like he could be Dwight Schrute's father?
  
  Dustin Hoffman turned 75 this week.  I didn't realize he was so old but then I haven't watched many of Hoffman's movies from the last few years so he'll always be young or an idiot savant.
  
  A while back I posted a few pics of Daniel Day Lewis eating a salad off the set of his movie about Abraham Lincoln.  Well here is one of the first promotional photos from Steven Spielberg's "Lincoln".  The movie comes out in November and I will say it here right now, Daniel Day Lewis will win the Oscar for best actor. 
  
  After all these years of obviously trying for a reality show, Courtney Stodden's dreams are coming true.  She's getting her own reality series.  It's not like she's been whoring herself to get a show since she got married.  Courtney and her husband Doug Hutchinson will be on the next season of Couples Therapy because they claim they are having marriage problems due to all their fame and the big age difference.  Hmmm how to solve their problems?  Quit taking handfuls of pills, get away from all the cameras, and drop the dude who looks like a creepy uncle that takes photos of you in your underwear in your grandma's basement.  Maybe they can compromise and Doug will let her stay out past 9 on school nights and Britney will not put Viagra in his prune juice.
  
  Abigail and Britney Hensel are conjoined twins from Minnesota.  They are now going to have their own reality show on TLC.  I actually want to see this.  I actually saw them once at a basketball game.  Their school played the school that was a couple blocks from my house.  I was teaching at a private school in this town and another teacher called me up and said I should come up to the game.  He was sitting a few rows behind them.  I mean it's not something you see every day.  I know I come off as a dick here but how many conjoined twins have you ever seen up close and personal?  I remember people asking them questions and apparently at times most all question sessions devolved into "how many coochies do you have".  I took this off of Wikipedia: 2 heads 2 spines merging at the coccyx and joined at the thorax by sections of ribs. Surgery was employed to correct scoliosis.  2 completely separate spinal cords 2 arms (originally 3, but rudimentary central arm was surgically removed, leaving central shoulder blade in place) 1 broad ribcage with 2 highly fused sternums and traces of bridging ribs. Surgery was employed to expand the pleural cavities.  2 breasts  2 hearts in a shared circulatory system (nutrition, respiration, medicine taken by either affects both) 4 lungs with the medial lungs moderately fused, not involving Brittany's upper right lobe; three pleural cavities 1 diaphragm with well-coordinated involuntary breathing, slight central defect 2 stomachs 2 gallbladders 1 liver, enlarged and elongated right lobe Y-shaped small intestine, which experiences a slightly spastic double peristalsis at the juncture 1 large intestine with one colon 3 kidneys: 2 left, 1 right 1 bladder 1 set of reproductive organs 2 separate half-sacrums, which converge distally 1 slightly broad pelvis  2 legs And the best part?  They'll be on the same channel with Honey Boo Boo.  If any of you are pregnant redneck conjoined twins who are former child beauty contestants and own a bakery that makes cakes only for Amish little people who clip coupons, call TLC and get your own reality show.
  
  Who hasn't passed out drunk with a bottle of vodka in a city park in the middle of the day?  We can now add Brigitte Nielsen to that list.  A couple paparazzi followed her to a park and documented her drinking vodka and smoking a few cigarettes and buying a bottle of wine in a parking lot and drinking said wine and drinking more vodka.  Brigitte has been in out of rehab since 2007.  That includes a stay in Dr. Drew's fake rehab reality show.  She hasn't been the same since she dumped Foofy.  She released a statement saying that she has had a rough summer.  She has had health issues and her mother is extremely ill so Brigitte took a moment to jump off the wagon and get liquored up, then take a nap, and then hop back on the wagon.  Considering that squirrels and alcoholics sleep in the park it's safe to say she fell off the wagon.  Also considering she willingly had sex with Flava Flav this isn't rock bottom.  After that the only thing that could be considered rock bottom is death.  I hope she finds peace with her new commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous.
  
  Asia Carrera turned 39 this week.  She is a form adult entertainer.  She considers herself to be the nerd of porn.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean but she claims the title so I won't argue with her.  She has 400 titles on her resume and was active in the porn industry from 1993 to 2005.  Why do I know so much?  Well I go above and beyond the call of duty for your entertainment on this site and also how often do you get to do research at the Internet Adult Film Database?
  
  Amanda Bynes is trying to capture the crown of Hollywood's worst driver from Lindsay Lohan.  If you see Amanda on the streets you better start praying to whatever deity you follow that she doesn't hit you.   TMZ is reporting that Amanda had another hit and run accident this week when she rear-ended a Toyota owned by a woman named Kisa.  This Kisa said she didn't recognize Amanda at first but described her as a hot mess.  Amanda tried to say that the damage wasn't that bad and they should just forget it.  Kisa asked for insurance information and then Amanda got in her car and said the damage wasn't that bad and drove away.  Then she filed a report with the police for hit and run and here we are.  I remember when I was in grade school we had a bike rodeo and the police gave us these fake bike licenses with our photos on them.  Amanda Bynes doesn't even deserve one of those.  I hope she got President Obama to go down to the police station and clear things up for her.  Not like he has anything else to do.  We need to start harnessing her hit and run power for good.  Can we bottle it and use it as a form of alternate fuel?  Maybe we can send her over to London to rear-end the Chinese Olympic bus so we can win all the medals.  USA!  USA!  USA!  USA!  USA!  USA!
  
  Oh man, this is the best news of the week.  There is going to be a big screen version of ALF.  The guy who brought The Smurfs to the big screen is working with the creators of ALF to make this movie happen.  I don't know if they'll let that happen.  The creator of ALF, Paul Fusco, was pretty crazy with ALF in that he came to think ALF was real.  It got pretty weird.  I hope they don't make it computer animated.  I hope they bring back the puppet because seeing him all cute and furry is what made him likeable and hug-able and why so many people had stuffed ALFs.  I don't think they could get that same feeling through CGI.  Oh and I wonder if they'll bring back the original Willie.  They won't have a difficult time getting him to sign a contract since the last time I heard from him he was sucking dick for crack.
  
  Adrianne Curry turned 30 this week.  I really don't have a punchline here.  I've always admired her work on Twitter.  I'd love to see her come to Xanga.  I'd love to see a lot of people come to Xanga but I don't think that would happen.  But to get Adrianne we just need to turn this place into a huge nerdfest.
  
  And because it's my blog and I do what I want and because I haven't posted anything of her in over a month, here's Coco.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 8:00 PM
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