August 18, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 8/17/12

  Hey I started this post at 11:11.  I wish that it will be on the front page...hahaha...*spits with disgust* tarnations!  Sorry I've been watching Hatfields and McCoys.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Tim Tebow turned 25 this week.  I hate this guy.  There I said it.  I can't stand all the coverage he gets on ESPN.  He shouldn't have gotten all the credit for the Broncos run last year.  Their defense kept them in those games.  I feel like I'm wasting keystrokes on this second string quarterback but I know some of my female readers find him attractive and I love my female readers.
  
  Sir Mix-a-Lot turned 49 this week.  There was no word on whether or not his birthday was celebrated by the queen with booty shaking.  Why would the queen booty shake?  Because Sir Mix-a-Lot is a knight.  You can't just give yourself the title of "sir" and he likes big butts therefore he is unable to lie.
  
  Ron Palillo, best known for his role as Arnold Horshack on Welcome Back Kotter, died this week at the age of 63.  His friend found him at a home they shared in Florida.  He died of an apparent heart attack.  Ron was a heavy smoker and was scheduled to visit the doctor later in the week because of a horrible cough that he couldn't shake.  Besides being on the entire run of Welcome Back Kotter, Ron was also on a few episodes of Ellen and he did voice work on the cartoon Darkwing Duck.  I think the thing I remember him most for was punching Screech in the face on Celebrity Boxing.  Rest in peace, Arnold Dingfelder Horshack.  You were always my favorite sweathog.
  
  In an interview for Keanu Reeves new documentary Side by Side, director David Fincher claims that Robert Downey Jr. urinated in jars and left them laying all over the set of Zodiac to protest working overtime.  You'd think in this economy, Downey would appreciate the work.  In Fincher's defense, he is known to be a perfectionist who sometimes makes actors do a scene over 200 times just to get it right.  Maybe Downey was pissing out of fear since they never caught the Zodiac killer.  Supposedly the guy they believe did it is no longer with us but I don't want to be out picnicking with a girlfriend and a guy in a KKK/ninja get-up comes to stab me and then sends out coded messages to newspapers.  NO SIREE BOB!  Robert Downey Jr. probably used a jar because he didn't want to go to the bathroom alone.
  
  Robert De Niro turned 69 this week.  He is one of the most amazing actors of our time.  If you doubt me, watch Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Cape Fear, and The Deer Hunter.  Granted you'll probably be messed up after watching all of those in a row but it's worth it to see his brilliance on the screen.
  
  If you live under a rock then you probably didn't know that Miley Cyrus got her hair cut this week.  I don't know why this got such media attention.  Of all the comments I saw about her haircut the top one came from a fake Twitter account and it made me laugh uncontrollably.  It looks like she got a reverse Justin Bieber mullet and she looks like a chipmunk.  She also sort of looks like a South Park character named Butters.  A rapper by the name of Tyler the Creator also took to twitter and said "Your barber is an asshole."  Miley is upset with the cut because she supposedly spent good money for it because the guy who cut her hair was the guy who created Jennifer Anistion's famous "Rachel" cut.  The good news about the haircut is that she donated the hair to a cancer charity that makes wigs for cancer patients.  So I guess whoever gets her wig will also get a contact high. 
  
  Mila Kunis turned 29 this week.  Hot Family Guy Ted That 70s Show hot hot hot.  Yeah I've pretty much said that every time I talk about Mila but something this week has been bothering me.  When does a woman become a cougar?  At what age does this happen?  I've always wondered.
  
  Lindsay Lohan was spotted soaking up the sun at the beach this week.  It's a good thing.  She needed a break from all her work and her new relationship with pornstar James Deen and his monster hog.  How can Lidnsay afford to take a break?  Apparently she's made $2million so far this year, half of which came from her spread for Playboy and the rest coming from her three movies: Liz and Dick, The Canyon, and the next Scary Movie.  Lindsay was also suing rapper Pitbull because he used her name in one of his "songs".  The lyrics went "(Hustlers move aside, so I'm tiptoein', to keep flowin' - I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan".  Well her legal team are trying to abandon the case because Pitbull's legal team has accused them of plagiarism because in written arguments Pitbull's legal team said that Lohan's lawyers lifted items directly from internet gossip sites.  Gee I hope they used my site and I can be flown to L.A. to be a character witness because I am quite the character.  But wait a consarn cotton pickin' minute, does this mean her law team are no good charlatans who distort facts and play the blame game?  That's a surprise since they represent a no good charlatan who distorts the facts, plays the blame game and can snort a pile of cocaine the size of Mount Everest.  OK I made some of that up.  I don't know if Lindsay distorts facts all or some of the time. 
  
  Lindsay was also spotted out shopping this week.  I hope she was shopping for a bra because it looks like she's got a side butt on her torso there.  I think it's time for all of us who fight for truth, justice, and the American way to write off Lindsay Lohan.  She is untouchable.  Did you know that her name is written in the stalls of the FBI and IRS bathrooms and her nickname is "The Teflon Skank" and "Herpes Capone"?  I'm calling off the dogs.  Anyone that can make money while committing crimes is A-OK in my book.  Nope, I'm kidding.  Go play in traffic.
  
  And this is for @aloysius_son Kerri Walsh Jennings, beach volleyball player extraordinaire, turned 34 this week.  There is your beach volleyball.  I hope you're happy now.  I didn't want to post beach volleyball photos because I want to bring credibility to the sport and make people realize that these people are athletes and not just eye candy for Bills fans.  Yeah I went there.  They lost to the Vikings...THE VIKINGS! 
  
  Living in the waterpark capital of the world, you see this quite a bit.  I sometimes just walk around the grounds of Noah's Ark or Mt. Olympus because I know I'm going to see boobs or butts spring free because of waterslides.  God, I'm a pervert...sigh...I am so alone.  Anyway, Katy Perry was at Raging Waters in San Dimas, CA this week and she had a wardrobe malfunction.  She flashed her white ass to everyone and by white I mean WHITE.  The Curiosity on Mars detected that bright ass.  You'd think she'd be mortified that her bare ass was seen by millions.  Well you'd think wrong because in the 21st century there is no shame.  She took to Twitter and made a cheeky comment: "Let's be fair, I really think I deserve a season pass for that ass. Oh, and some flip flops".  A representative from Raging Waters tweeted MTV News this: "FYI-We're sending @katyperry a Season Pass, flip flops, & a new swimsuit."  You know, I like Katy.  She could've painted herself as a victim and had a breakdown just like Scarlet Johansson but she took it in stride.  Katy's ass gave that waterpark more advertising than any Super Bowl ad could've done.  So does she deserve a free pass and flip flops?  Yes and she also deserves a big, veiny free pass from me.
  
  Jennifer Anistion must've made a pact with the devil himself because she is now engaged to Justin Theroux.  She can now take "Single Ladies" off of repeat on her iPod.  Justin proposed to her this week on HIS birthday.  What better birthday present to give yourself than to promise your life away?  Twenty bucks says he tricks her out of signing a pre-nup.  I bet the ring he got her cost exactly $250,001 because the ring Brad Pitt gave Angelina Jolie cost $250,000.  No matter how successful she is he will always be looking in her rearview at Brad and Angelina. 
  
  Hulk Hogan turned 59 this week.  It's hard to believe that he's that old because just yesterday it seems like I remember him bodyslamming Andre the Giant and teaming with Mr. T and beating Iron Sheik for the title and the Megapowers and Dave and Earl Hebner and having his chest caved in by Earthquake and Million Dollar Man and the Ultimate Warrior and Brother Love and The Undertaker.  WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE 24 INCH PYTHONS AND HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD ALL OVER YOU...BROTHER!
  
  A headline caught my eye this week and it was "Co-Founder of Crocs gets DUI, blames Taylor Swift".  Meet George Boedecker, co-founder of the Crocs shoes line.  He should be thrown in jail for that last sentence.  He was arrested in Boulder, CO last weekend for being behind the wheel of his Porsche and on the wrong side of drunk.  When interrogated by police George showed he was a graduate of the Randy Travis school of drunken tomfoolery.  When he was pulled over George tried to tell police that he wasn't driving but his girlfriend Taylor Swift was.  He said that Taylor is batshit crazy and they got into an argument causing her to jump out of the car and running off.  The police asked where Taylor ran to so George pointed at someone's lawn and said "Nashville".  The laughs didn't end there.  The police asked for his address and George replied, "I have 17 fucking homes."  Who knew plastic shoes could be so lucrative?  When asked if he'd take a sobriety test George answered, "I'm not doing your fucking maneuvers!"  The police put him in cuffs and George said he couldn't believe they'd do that after all he's done for the city.  He also declared them enemies for life and would take all their badges.  The real punishment would be if he forced them to do their job in Crocs.  I find it funny that George sort of looks like an orange Croc.  I also like that Taylor Swift this week has been seen going on dates with a member of the Kennedy family which is just a diversion because she's obviously dating George.  I imagine that since Taylor Swift has a track record of writing passive aggressive songs about exboyfriends she'll probably write one about George and it will be called either "Crocs of my Heart" or "Crocodile Crack Rock".
  
  I didn't know Flava Flav worked but he forgot to pay taxes from 2004 to 2006 and owes nearly $1million.  Wait, you have to pay taxes every year?  He made money from The Surreal Life, Strange Love, and Flavor of Love.  I can understand William Jonathon Drayton (AKA Flava Flav) didn't pay taxes.  Can you imagine being this guy's accountant?  "Mr. Flav, I advise you not to buy that diamond encrusted Viking helmet or the platinum clock and necklace."  To which Flava Flav replies, "YEAAAAAAHHHHH BOOOOOYYYEEEEE!"  "OK, Mr. Flav, meeting adjourned."  Yelling that at the top of your lungs will get you your way just about every time except when it's a parole hearing and Flava Flav can attest to that.
  
  Dominique Swain turned 32 this week.  I'm still waiting on an answer from the cougar question.  Maybe Mr. @aloysius_son will have an answer for us as soon as he stops ogling beach volleyball players.  They are legitimate athletes trying to make their way in a perverted world.  I wish people showed them a little more respect as they play volleyball in clothing that barely covers their genitals. 
  
  One of the players on my most hated in the NFL list gave me a new reason to hate him this week and this hatred is for something that to me is unforgivable.  Evelyn Lozada got into an argument with Chad Ochocinco or is it Johnson this week?  It is Johnson this week.  Anyway they got into an argument last weekend and Chad headbutted his wife and that should be assault with a deadly weapon because look at that prominent forehead.  Apparently the argument started when Evelyn found a receipt for condoms in Chad's vehicle.  He then headbutted her, she had lacerations and had to be rushed to the hospital for stitches.  Chad claims it was an accident but he was booked for domestic battery.  He also said that he was driving around the neighborhood looking for her so he could calm her down because he also claims she headbutted him.  And maybe just hours later, Chad was released by the Miami Dolphins.  The funny thing about this is that on the HBO series Hard Knocks, Johnson bragged that he was going to get arrested.  Chad also lost his job with VH1.  They were set to film a reality series surrounding Chad and Evelyn called "Ev and Ocho".  I had a video of Chad being released by the Dolphins but it was taken off youtube.  I bet that person was scared of Chad headbutting him while wearing his helmet.  And Evelyn has beat Kim Kardashian.  She filed for divorce just 6 weeks after marrying Johnson.  To make it really sting she should've filed for divorce 85 days after they were married. 
  
  Amanda Bynes is doing great.  She recently had more car trouble and by car trouble I don't mean she killed anyone with her car or got pulled over for drunk driving once again.  She ran out of gas.  According Flynet, she walked to a nearby gas station, BORROWED money for a gas can, and convinced a clerk to pump gas for her and walk back to her car to fill it up.  Then she left the gas cap open as she sped off.  And I can only presume she sped off to sell her body for cash so she could pay the gas station.  How is that possible?  Didn't she make good money when she was on Nickelodeon?  Oh wait, that was many years ago and many plastic surgeries ago.
  
  Alec Baldwin is still an asshole.  Yes, I know, it's hard to believe that Alec Baldwin is still being an asshole and no I'm not confusing him with that other Alec Baldwin.  Usually when a person goes to church it's for peace, worship, and reflection.  But that isn't the case if Alec Baldwin goes to your church.  Some of the parishioners at Most Holy Trinity parish in East Hampton, NY got so fed up with Baldwin that when he got up to give a reading during a recent service, they stood up and turned their backs to him.  One source inside the church said that Alec likes to be the center of attention...well duh...and routinely stands up to read from the pulpit.  People are sick of Baldwin even though he's given large amounts of money to the church.  They say they want to go to church and not see a movie star in the pulpit.  See there's their problem, they consider him to be a movie star and not a dickhead asshole.  Once they start referring to him as a dickhead asshole he'll probably move along.  It's worked for some people here on Xanga.

  And with that, have a good weekend you awesome people who I hope do not consider me to be a dickhead asshole.

  • 6:00 PM
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