August 25, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 8/24/12

  Blah blah blah it's time for the round up.
  
  

  NSFW and NSFL

  I put that disclaimer there so you don't have to read if you are offended by that sort of stuff so if you are quit reading now.

  
  Vanessa Hudgens was spotted leaving a gym in L.A. this week.  I have faith she could find my beast.  She sort of got addicted to working out because of her upcoming movie called The Frozen Ground.  She is playing a stripper/prostitute.  Now that is artistic integrity.  Vanessa will shake her moneymaker into an Oscar nod and out of her squeaky clean Disney image.  Now the gauntlet has been thrown and it's up to my pocket pool fantasy team to pick it up.  Let's get to work Mila Kunis, Minka Kelly, Sarah Silverman, and Sofia Vergara.  It's time to shed the good girl routine for some plated gold statues.
  
  Tori Amos turned 49 this week.  Hot.  Do yourself a favor and go listen to her music over on the youtube.
  
  Movie director Tony Scott committed suicide this week.  He died at the age of 68.  Some of his work includes Top Gun, The Hunger, Days of Thunder, The Last Boy Scout, True Romance, Crimson Tide, and Man on Fire.  Just two days before his death he was scouting locations with Tom Cruise for a sequel to Top Gun.  He was also working on a remake of the classic western movie The Wild Bunch.  Tony was survived by his wife and twin sons and brother Ridley Scott with whom he produced The Good Wife and Numbers.  Some news sources are reporting that the reason he killed himself was because he had inoperable brain cancer.  Scott will be greatly missed.
  
  This week Greg Daniels, producer of The Office, announced that this season will be the final season for The Office.  He said this: "This year feels like the last chance to really go out together and make an artistic ending for the show that pays off a lot of the stuff that has mattered most to fans with the core characters.  This will be the last season of The Office and we are planning a very big exciting last season. We are going to have a lot of familiar faces coming back."  There's no word if a familiar face will be Steve Carrell but I have a feeling he'll be there.  I've also heard one familiar returning face is Roy.  I'm sort of conflicted with that announcement.  I love the show and wish it could go on forever but I know it has slipped a bit in the past couple of seasons.  I hope they do an ending like the movie Office Space and the company goes up in flame.  It is a paper company after all.  One thing I sort of look forward to with the departure of The Office is the new series The Farm.  How do you think The Office will end?
  
  Sofia Vergara posted this photo of herself done up like Lucille Ball on Twitter this week.  You know that could be an interesting concept.  A remake of I Love Lucy but instead of Ricky having the Latino accent it would be Lucy.  It's sort of like a role reversal situation.  Hmmm I'd watch it.  Do you hear that NBC?  I'd watch that show and since The Office, your highest rated non-reality show, is ending you need something and anything.
  
  Rosie Huntington-Whiteley sounds like a lot of fun.  She's mostly known for her work with Victoria's Secret and was in the last installment of The Transformers movies.  She recently said that she decorates her bedroom with vintage underwear.  Her walls are lined with camisoles and bras, mostly French and from the 30s and 40s.  That's right, she hangs underwear on her walls.  That tent in your pants is real.  She's the reason I watched Transformers 3.  The only bad thing is she's dating Jason Statham.  I'm sure that guy isn't as impressive as the movies make him.  I bet he doesn't even do his own stunts. 
  
  From one Rosie to another, Rosie O'Donnell took to her blog this week to write in some bizarre haiku-like paragraphs that she had a heart attack.  We almost lost Rosie O'Donnell.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  It all started when she was walking in a parking lot and noticed an obese lady who was stuck in her car and needed help getting out.  Rosie's good deed ended up with a stent in her heart.  Here's the blog: "i became nauseous
  my skin was clammy
  i was very very hot
  i threw up

  i did not call 911
  50% of women having heart attacks never call 911
  200,000 women die of heart attacks
  every year in the US

  by some miracle i was not one of them
  the next day i went to a cardiologist
  the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital
  where a stent was put in

  my LAD was 99% blocked
  they call this type of heart attack
  the Widow maker
  i am lucky to be here
  I left them in her form.  It's weird because most of her blog is like that.  Anyway if a heart attack can strike someone with picture perfect health like Rosie O'Donnell it can strike anyone.  We are all screwed.  That gross squishing sound you hear and the slime you feel covering your body is Donald Trump salivating at the thought of Rosie dying.  And the moral of the story is never help anyone in need.
  
  Randy Travis is still up to his drunken no good antics.  Earlier this year he was caught drinking in a church parking lot and then just this month he was arrested for drunk driving while being naked.  Randy got another hit single to his police record.  Police responded to a disturbance at a church parking lot in Plano, TX.  Randy and another guy were fighting over a woman.  The woman is Randy's new girlfriend and she apparently got into an argument with her former husband.  Randy being the gallant gentleman his is got in there to defend his new girlfriend.  Then they started throwing fists at each other.  There were no arrests and Randy wasn't even drunk and police let him go home with only a citation for simple assault.  What is with this guy and church parking lots?  God needs to turn a garden hose on Randy to keep him out of the parking lot.  The only reason people fight in a church parking lot is either because a drug deal has gone bad, a threesome hook-up has gone bad, or people brought the same casserole or Jello salad to a church potluck.  We all laugh at Randy right now but just wait for two years when he wins a Grammy for his hit song, "Drunken Church Parking Lot Brawl".
  
  Phyllis Diller passed away at the age of 95 this week.  Hopefully she's roasting Bea Arthur in Heaven right now.  She had a heart attack in 1999 and had a pacemaker ever since and recently she had fallen and hurt her wrist and hip.  I had thought she'd be immortal.  Everything you really need to know about her is found on the wikipedia page including the rumor that she is Susan Lucci's mother.  Also go to youtube and check out some of her roasts.  Here's one where she roasts an actor named Ronald Reagan.
  
  Paris Hilton is trying her hand at being a DJ and being relevant once again.  She doesn't quite have the right DJ name.  I'm suggesting DJ Crusty Crabs.  What should her DJ name be?  Paris also tweeted this deep comment on twitter this week: "Life becomes so much better when you decide not to care. Just live for the moment and don't let the anyone or anything bring you down."  Paris is right to not care about what the public thinks about her because the public hasn't given a shit about her for a couple years now.  Her nonsense has carried her over here at the Celebrity Round Up but even I've grown weary of the same cockeyed horseshit.  How many times can you stand to see her ugly feet on vacation?  At least Lindsay Lohan keeps lowering the bar of depravity on a consistent basis.
  
  Octomom really needs money.  She's been in her own porno.  She's been stripping.  She's tried Octoloan.  Now she's trying her hand at music.  TMZ got their hands on a snippet from her new song "Sexy Party".  Be careful, you're ears will give birth to bloody screams.  Also, auto-tune really is the work of the devil because it makes any and every ton deaf fame whore think they can "sing". 
  
  Miley Cyrus was spotted in New York City this week and this is what she looked like.  Is it me or does she look like what Dennis the Menace would look like if he grew up in the 90s grunge scene and got addicted to smoking heroin?  I think it's time to start selling my 90s clothing on eBay because Miley and all her fans will blindly buy it up. 
  
  Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were spotted at an L.A. Dodgers baseball game this week.  Boy, do they look bored.  I came up with two reasons they could be bored.  First, it's baseball in August and the players are sort of burned out and it won't get exciting until September or Mila is giving Ashton a handjob.  I'm pretty sure it's because the baseball is boring.
  
  Kelly Ripa announced this week that her new co-host will be former NFL player Michael Strahan.  The show which was once called Live with Regis and Kathie Lee and then Live with Regis and Kelly and then Live with Kelly will be called...get this...drumroll please...Live with Kelly and Michael.  I don't know about this pairing.  She's so tiny and it looks like Strahan could use her as a toothpick for his gap.
  
  See that heart?  Well that heart is around the greatest contestant to ever grace Survivor: Wherever the Hell it is this Season.  That is Lisa Whelchel.  Oh you don't know who Lisa Whelchel is?  Well let me give you a hint...you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and by now you should know that Lisa Whelchel is BLAIR WARNER!  Yes, Blair Warner is going to get down and dirty on Survivor although I doubt she will get too dirty or too down because after Facts of Life ended Lisa got married and quit showbusiness so she could be a wife and mother and recently she's been running a website for Christian homeschooling.  She also has written a book called "Creative Correction".  It's for sale at Barnes & Noble but before you buy it, read the first user review.  I hope Blair starts spanking her fellow contestants and she should spank them extra to make up for all the spankings that Natalie and Tootie deserved and all the spankings I wanted to give Jo.  Another former celebrity on that show is former baseball player Jeff Kent.  You can watch a video of the new contestants here.
  
  Lindsay Lohan may have been involved in another heist.  Lindsay went to a party in the Hollywood Hills last weekend with her brother Cody, an assistant, and two other guys.  Lindsay decided to spend the night at the house.  Usually when I pass out in a puddle of my own rum-infused vomit and runny coke snot on the floor of someone else's kitchen I call it "spending the night".  Lindsay woke up the next morning to hear the home owner freaking out because he had been robbed.  This is like the worst but easiest game of Clue ever.  The home owner locked down the house and refused to let guests leave until they were questioned by police.  A source said that when the police arrived Lindsay asked if she was a suspect the police said no so she blew them off and left.  Yeah I bet she blew them off.  I suppose it's comments like that that have gotten people to rate this site EX.  Please do me a favor and rate it A or B.  I can't believe how passive aggressive some people can be.  Anyway, the Lindsay Lohan I know and love would never steal anything from a party.  I bet the reason she attended was to teach everyone about the dangers of binge drinking.  And that explains why she brought her brother Cody who is only 16 you know just to highlight the dangers of alcohol abuse before it's too late.  Well Lindsay didn't like the accusations so she took to her publicist Twitter and said, "All of this negative press is BS.... Whenever I'm doing great, people fabricate lies. It's such a shame. I'm just sayin' xo"  Come on, when you're known for stealing things and when crap gets stolen when you're around you're immediately going to be the number one suspect.  It's just like when I'm at a party and the hostess runs out of her bedroom screaming that someone has fapped on all her panties everyone turns and looks at me.
  
  I know I said a while back that I would no longer write about she with the huge ass that must not be named.  Well I spit out a drink today when I read a story about how Kim Kardashian was posting photos of her Playboy shoot on Twitter and her website.  They were behind the scenes photos and she said that she was so proud of her photoshoot.  WOW!  One of the last things I wrote about her was how she hated her Playboy shoot and wish she had never done it.  But then what porn star isn't proud of posing in Playboy?  Posing for Playboy is the adult industry equivalent of winning a Pulitzer Prize.  Posing naked is probably the highpoint of Kim's "career".  What else has she done?  Now she can stand shoulder to shoulder with adult film legends Jenna Jameson, Sasha Grey, and Belladonna and discuss the ramifications of double penetration on modern culture. 
  
  John Stamos turned 49 this week.  I always thought he was much older but that might because he's been on TV forever.  I know some ladies out there think he's all that and that has come to the forefront with that Greek yogurt commercial.  He can't be attractive.  He had a mullet.
  
  Jennifer Aniston was spotted wearing this on the set of We're the Millers.  She plays a stripper who is paid to be a pretend wife.  It's weird how real life mimics art because that seems to be how Jennifer got Justin Theroux.
  
  This is Jeff Stryker.  He turned 50.  There you go ladies.  I just saw the name and remembered something about him from a former girlfriend.  I won't go into it but I'll just say he was the first celebrity to have a mold made of an appendage to be commercially sold.  Don't ask.  I'll let you research yourself.
  
  Hayden Panettiere turned 23 this week.  Remember when I was deeply infatuated with her?  Yeah I really liked her.  I think it was because of Heroes.  She has pretty much vanished from the world of acting.  I hope I didn't scare her away.
  
  I'm trying to figure out why Harrison Ford shaved his head.  I remember a kid in grade school who had a really nasty mullet.  I don't think he ever washed his hair because it was always greasy.  Then one day he came to school and he was shaved bald.  He proudly bragged that he had lice.  Then of course the school was alerted and we all had to get inspected.  Anyway I hope Harrison Ford doesn't have lice.  I sort of feel bad for him because it looks like his hair won't fully grow back.  And that is why I will never shave my head but then he is 70.
  
  It's like Coco has become a gorgeous silver flower with a cameltoe that has sprouted from between the cracks of the cobblestone.
  
  I'm not much of a fan of Carson Daly or Christina Aguilera but this story is pretty bizarre.  Carson Daly was set to be interviewed by George Wayne of Vanity Fair.  Now Wayne has been trying to add a shock value to his interviewing style so that would explain the first question he asked Daly.  "Let’s cut to the chase: Do you think Christina Aguilera squirts when she has an orgasm?"  Carson replied, "Are you kidding me? Is that your opener? I have no idea. I can’t imagine the thought. I mean, really."  Wayne responded, "I mean, clearly—just look at the outfits she chooses to wear onstage. Tell that girl to put some clothes on! I believe that is a rational question to ask you. I know it is a bit off-piste."  And then Carson replied, "Yes, it is. I will say she does have a lot of people on her team, a whole entourage to help her, and she knows what she is doing. Oh boy, I love you. You are the best. You are so great—just the best. Despite your asinine question about Christina, it is still a pleasure to be here with you."  So let's get this straight, if you wear clothes that are too tight it means your genitals squirt like a walrus spitting water?  The art of the interview has been lost.  I remember when a Xangan claimed he invented the interview.  That was the biggest laugh I've ever had on this site.  Now, who wants to interview me?
  
  Vince McMahon turned 67 this week.  I think I've mentioned this before but I am a bit of a professional wrestling fan.  I mostly watched it in the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s.  I usually have it on in but mostly for background noise.  Anyway this guy basically made pro-wrestling what it is today.  Without Vince wrestling would probably be relegated to bingo halls and the backrooms of bars.
  
  You know this is getting old.  Another day, another Amanda Bynes car accident.  And this one was definitely her fault.  She was driving around San Fernando Valley when her rental car was rear-ended.  The driver of the other car claims that she made a reckless driving maneuver and caused the accident.  Police ticketed no one.  Let's get this straight, Amanda has had three hit and runs, a DUI, and a near DUI all within the past six months and she was in a rental car.  She convinced someone to hand over the keys to a car that costs her $20 a day.  OK that makes a lot of sense.  Also, the driver didn't really say what she did.  I think now whenever you dent up your car you should just blame it on Amanda Bynes.
  
  People often debate about the existence of God but this story proves the existence of Satan for sure.  Avril Lavigne is engaged to Chad Kroeger of Nickelback.  Apparently they became an item after recording a song together 6 months ago even though Avril was dating Brody Jenner at the time.  At first I was thinking this made little sense but then it hit me, Avril is the Ed Hardy trucker cap of music and Nickelback is the American Eagle hoodie of music.  I bet they will register at Hot Topic.  This is Chad's first marriage and I don't know why he'd want to get married since he likes to brag about his ability to fellate himself.  I bet Satan polished one of his kidney stones and that is what is on her ring.  Hell has a new tourism campaign and this photo is next to a sign that says "Welcome to the Ninth Circle of Hell".  I guess we could make a case of God's existence or at least the existence of the Poser gods.  Avril is the queen of pseudo-punk rock and every time Nickelback comes on the air even Kid Rock thinks it's douchey music.  This is good news for this site and thank you Canada for giving this to the world.  You've given us Pamela Anderson, maple syrup, and poutine.  However you also gave us Celine Dion and Rich Little.  Canada, you are officially on unofficial double secret probation.
  
  Britney Spears posted this photo on Twitter this week along with the comment: "Y'all ready for summer to end? I'm definitely not!"  And people immediately took to the net to say how great Britney looked.  The photo has been softened so much it may as well be a painting.  It's also been cropped to where you can only see her upper torso.  But besides that she looks great.  Maybe next week she'll tweet how much she loves bikini weather and post one of those caricatures you get done at county fairs where the artist draws you with boobs bigger than your head.  I really have no clue why that dude gave me boobs but oh well.  It's a nice conversation starter.
  
  @AmericanAlien the Xanga blogger extraordinaire turned 42 this week.  Xanga really needs @AmericanAlien to come back.  #PleasecomebackAmericanAlien

  I hope everyone has a good weekend.

  • 5:26 PM
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