August 28, 2012
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If I were…
Time to jump on another Xanga bandwagon.
If I were a month, I would be February because I am cold and dead.
If I were a time of the day, 3AM because that’s the time I usually go to sleep every day or 6AM when I wake up most days.
If I were a planet, Venus because it rhymes with penis and I could make awesome limericks like:
There once was a young man from Venus
Who had a very immense penis
He showed the earthling girls his cock
A few fainted and others exclaimed in shock
That was one hell of a dick, by Jesus!If I were a sea animal, I would be an octopus because then I’d have more than two arms to masturbate with
If I were a direction, I would be the French directions when all you can read is English.
If I were a liquid, I would be J&B
If I were a gemstone, I would be coal…coal can be a gemstone
If I were a tree, I would be a cherry tree and so help me if that Washington kid comes near me there will never be a USA
If I were a tool, I would be hammer
If I were a flower, I would be a lupine
If I were a kind of weather, I would be a blizzard
If I were a musical instrument, I would be a keytar .
If I were a color, I would be blue because I am alone
If I were an emotion, I would be repressed rage
If I were a fruit, I would be a pomegranate…ugly on the outside but filled with beautiful and tasty seeds?
If I were a sound, I would be a queef from a porn star after she broke a gangbang record
If I were an element, I would be all the Planeteers powers because once they are combined then I become Captain Planet then I can rule the universe.
If I were a car, I would be one that didn’t have a dead battery like the one sitting in my driveway. WHY THE HELL CAN’T YOU WORK ON A DAY WHERE I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT!?!?!?!
If I were a place, I would be Germany or Granddad’s Bluff
If I were a material, I would be teflon
If I were a scent, I would be gasoline and apple cider
If I were an animal, I would be a wolf
If I were an object, I would be lusted after by women who objectified me
If I were a body part, I would be the mustaches the Beatles grew when they dropped acid
If I were a facial expression, I would be a look that says “What the hell did he just say?”
If I were a pair of shoes, I would be a pair of size 17 EEEE steel toed work boots
If I were a movie genre, I would be porn or comedy or pornedy
If I were a font, I would be Corleone
I so want the title of Wurst Baron
And #1 in horrible NFL teams named the Bears
Don’t know if I should smile or retch
Big Brother finally gettin’ good after all these weeks.
Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I’m Max Fischer.
#Xanga
I know who I’m voting for
This is a deleted scene from The Real Housewives of Oscar Meyer
After living a hard life, Raggedy Ann’s name is no longer cute but all too fitting
After Northern Exposure ended, the moose in the opening credits faded away only to be arrested on drug charges and sent to rehab.
Oh Luther, you Schnickelfritz
You’d have a callus on your foot that big too if it was your job to kick Lindsay Lohan’s ass out of bed in the morning.
This is the beach where Mexican wrestlers girlfriends go to while their boyfriends are busy wrestling.
Damn…that $2 bootleg copy of Mulan was too good to be true.
Hey, I just met you and I am crazy but you play football so won’t you sign my baby?Have a great night.
Comments (50)
haha. gewd ones. love the limerick.
if i was a font i’d be Terminator 2. you can download it here
http://cooltext.com/Download-Font-Terminator+2
i’d be a blizzard too. i used to walk barefoot in snow when i lived in the woods of northern Vermont. maybe it’s due to my Norwegian bloodline that i love cold.
Go Planet!
LOL MULAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LMAO. Loved the limerick.
Apparently those masks that the women are wearing are in China, where they wear the masks to protect their faces from sun damage.
That limerick made me giggle hehe
Wolves are a family-oriented specIes. That’s all.
The keytar eh?
love your limerick. raggedy ann cracked me up.
i like this game more than some of the others.
Wolf!!
Wolves are beautiful.
I’m thinking Chicago’s murder and gang violence has less to do with gun control and more to do with the Cubs sucking.
I am pathetic. I loved Raggedy Ann the best. lol
loved your if’s.
Loved the graphics.
frank
haha, I once saw a meme of that hippie chick whic said “is offended because someone somewhere might be offended” I ould very much identify with that and I see myself in this one as well
. Germany is a good a choice to be 
ha. shut up. @Rob_of_the_Sky -
The only thing better than that last picture is when he throws the baby.
These are O.R Scrubs….
You described yourself perfectly perfect
Pornedy? XD
I think I’d be repressed rage too.
that is one huge potato. too bad it was wasted makin’ french fries.
@TheSutraDude - there is nothing better than walking through a fresh snow in bare feet.
Thanks for the font. I can’t remember where I found all the novelty fonts I have but they are quite fun.
A limerick in the “space” theme?
A girl shoved her hand in my pocket
When she took a firm hold on my cock, it
Got as hard can be
Oh the things she did to me
I shot off like a rocket
No wonder I get EX ratings.
@KnightInCROATIANarmor - I watched that cartoon all the time but I mocked it because it was so insistent on everything. Even back then I realized that recycling was a sham and that all the energy we try to conserve doing it is spent in the process.
@BenelliMan - I’ve never seen it but then I don’t think I’ve watched a Disney cartoon in entirety since I got pubes
@Cestovatelka - Hmmm should I get dirtier with the limericks? I shared one above. Maybe I’ll do some protected posts of dirty limericks.
Yeah I saw that story but the Mexican wrestling girlfriends was my first thought.
@xdeelynnx - I’ve been thinking of writing some more but every time I start writing they get very dirty…sigh…it sucks being alone.
@nov_way - hmmm that is interesting that I picked that one then, maybe my subconscious is telling me something
@Thatslifekid - oh yeah, I totally rock the keytar. All the cool bands of the 80s had one. They should make a video game called Keytar Hero and then it would be filled with 80s music.
@promisesunshine - I keep wanting to write more limericks but they always turn dirty but I think that’s because the only limericks I hear are dirty.
Glad you enjoyed
@crazy2love - yeah I am sort of upset there are places considering to have wolf hunts
@Rob_of_the_Sky - and don’t forget the White Sox, Blackhawks, and Bulls…even though the Bulls had a good regular season they seemingly fall apart in the playoffs.
@ANVRSADDAY - glad you loved this post
@under_the_carpet - hahaha…that’s great, I have so many of those hippie chick ones but I’m always afraid to post them because I know they would piss off a majority of Xanga.
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas - maybe if the Cubs won a world series Chicago would turn into a peaceful utopia
@emily_shannon - I don’t know if it could be better than kicking the dog in Anchorman
@HereLiesNelsontheGreat - O.R. they?
@RestlessButterfly - well I’m glad you thought so, I thought this one was pretty difficult
@godfatherofgreenbay - I say it would be.
@PhoenixResilience - I actually used to do porn parody posts. I can’t believe there are so many parody movies out there. There’s even a Seinfeld one. I think that classifies as pornedy.
@StrawberrySunrises - but fries are good, depending on where they are from.
@emily_shannon - DRAMA! TROLL! How can you top Jack Black as a biker kicking a dog off a bridge and then screaming “THAT’S HOW I ROLL?” That’s how I roll.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Yeah, I know what you mean.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Simply because he’d be throwing a baby.
dirty limericks are entertaining.
@godfatherofgreenbay - Theres a blowing and fingering joke there, but I haven’t gotten around to it.
@godfatherofgreenbay - haha another good limerick.
it is refreshing to walk barefoot in the snow.
@godfatherofgreenbay - oh you went for it…
That was incredibly entertaining. I especially like the pomegranate bit. Terrible really, but still I laughed my ass off. LMAO I think I may jump on that bandwagon too. The pics were funny to, but I like the more personal part. God bless! <3 Suz
@promisesunshine - duly noted
@Thatslifekid - Yeah, it’s too hard
@HereLiesNelsontheGreat - my favorite…”Oh, Mr. Fischer, I hear you’re a neurosurgeon.” “No, I’m a barber but a lot of people make that mistake.”
@VioletMoonDancer7 - I’m glad you enjoyed but it wasn’t until after I posted it that I realized that I came off as quite gross with the pomegranate one. I didn’t originally intend for it but I left it because it made me laugh upon re-reading.
@godfatherofgreenbay - haha…I like when he asks Bill Murray for millions of dollars and he gives him a grand…