August 29, 2012

• Motivation

  Say goodbye to your ribs because you’re about to be tickled to death.

  The first rule of toddler fight club is there shouldn’t be a toddler fight club.

  I’ve decided to start home brewing energy drinks.  All it takes is some high fructose corn syrup, rat poison, and a shard of meth.

  Worst song to get a lap dance to?  The theme song from Sanford and Son.

  I’m thinking of naming my first child “Hey You” because I’ll never forget its name.

  They always say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.”  I say opinions are like assholes so you better watch what you say when you’re in prison.

  There’s something magical about masturbating while wearing Harry Potter glasses and a wizard’s robe. There’s also something magical about having sex with your boss.  Too bad I’m self-employed.

  I’ve found that the best way to hypnotize women is to do jumping jacks naked.

  I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

  “Ladies, it’s after Labor Day so you have to stop wearing bras.” –godfatherofgreenbay if he was a fashion expert and not just your average run of the mill pervert

  Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering if Satan’s name really isn’t Satan and that there was a typo and it’s actually Stan?

  It’s always amazing to me that when I first started using the internet my parents always told me to be careful of strangers but strangers on the internet seem to care more for me than people I know in real life.

  Does Avril Lavigne think that if she marries Chad Kroeger it will make her music sound incredible?

  Since the London Olympics used so many features of the city in the opening ceremonies do you think that the 2016 Rio games will use the giant statue of Jesus and make him sing and dance?

  A man walks into a baa and the sheep apologizes even though he has no clue how the man had a physical interaction with his speech when it is not a somatic object.

  I may do things that are unspeakable but there is never anything I can do that is unblogable.

  I remember psychology class in high school and when we discussed Oedipus complexes a girl said she thought she had that.  She was later diagnosed as a hypochondriac.

  Every time I see the word “vegan” I think it says “vagina”and I get all anxious only to find out it’s going to be someone berating me because I’m human and partaking of typical human behavior and I don’t value animals over human beings.

  I’m not sure what the difference is between a hotel and a motel but I’m fairly certain it has to do with the price of the hookers standing out front.

  Ladies, the best compliment a guy can give you is a boner.

  There are a lot of things I don’t regret but one of those things isn’t getting “Mary had a Little Lamb” stuck in my head today.

  I hate when people in Wisconsin say that winter is approaching therefore they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to keep warm.  Come on, get a fucking coat like the rest of us single people.

  I was shocked when I heard most circuses beat their elephants.  Here I thought they beat all their animals.  Why do the tigers get off so easily?

  I can’t believe that it’s 2012 and the biggest issue going so far in the election is abortion.  We were promised jet packs and flying cars and hologram and space cities!  What the hell happened?

  I admit it.  I use emoticons but I do it just to make sure my writing isn’t misinterpreted as being sarcastic.  J jk lolz XD

  I feel doubly alone lately. I’m single and I think I’m the only person who owns a Bob Marley album that doesn’t smoke weed.

  Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger got engaged the same week that Katy Perry and John Mayer broke up. This can only mean one thing, expect at least four shitty albums in the forthcoming months.

  I may or may not sing “Call Me Maybe” at karaoke in the style of Snarf from Thundercats.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  The thing I hate most about politics is that if you legitimately care about your country and want to help it but the cutthroat nature of it prevents you from doing jack shit. And this is because of both sides bickering.  The only thing they all agree on is getting pay increases.

  Did you know Mitt Romney hates squirrels and drowns them in his bathtub because they are a threat to Bain? Did you know Barack Obama bathes in the blood of sacrificed blonde hair white Christian girls?  It must be true because I read it on a Xanga post that got 2 recommends.

  Neil Armstrong, the first man to win the Tour de France on the moon, died at the age of 82.  I really will miss his other work on How I Met Your Mother and his song “Wonderful World”.  I bet he died from sadness because they stripped him of his titles.

  I sort of want to be in a reality show.  And by that I mean I’d like to have a show about my life and not be in the cast of one of those Jersey Shore“did you piss in my food” type reality shows.
  

  What if you met a girl on the internet and you fell in love with her and then when you met her in real life you learned that she was really a butterfly who had spent the past few months flying from key to key in order to win your heart and then the butterfly convinced you to reciprocate the love?  Would you crush the butterfly with a flyswatter or with your bare hands?
  

  I watch a lot of commercials and I notice that whenever someone uses hair conditioner they move in slow motion.  I use conditioner all the time but I never move in slow motion.  Maybe it’s because I’m fat and am already slow or maybe I haven’t quite gotten down lather, rinse,and repeat.
  

  I think my only hope at this time to fall in love is to find someone who is deathly afraid of dying alone and propose a contract of marriage and then…BOOM…no longer alone.
  

  99 cents for a bag of Skittles?  You almost caught me, Walmart.  I know there is this thing called sales tax.  Welcome to Obama’s America.

  Why is it called a hamburger if there’s no ham in it?  I could totally be an 80s comedian but I’d need a mullet and shoulder pads in my shirts.

  Whenever I hear someone talk about Bible verses I think they’re saying “versus” so I start thinking of the Bible vs. Mike Tyson.

  When you can’t find a parking space in a parking lot it should be called a parking little.

  A friend of mine got a job writing sheet music for a movie soundtrack.  When he told me I said“Score!”  He laughed uncomfortably.

  People with big Eggos are waffle people.

  The most disgusting thing I’ve seen on Xanga are posts that say, “If you’re friends with ______ or ______ then you can’t be my friend.”  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, FUCKING EIGHT YEARS OLD?!?!?!?!?  I’ve seen kids on playgrounds act more civilized than that. I’ll do you a favor and block you so you don’t have to worry about any of my friends being icky for you.  And besides that, if you are so “open minded” why are you only wanting people to have one belief?

  Xanga is a playground for psychologists.

  “You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.

  New Xanga motto: “Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”
  

  New Xanga motto: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”

  AOL is in talks to purchase Xanga.  They want to merge so all their users can have one place to gather.  This will double the amount of users to 48.

  What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

  If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

  I’m actually really glad I am a Xanga user because there is no greater joy than knowing someone is willing to listen and readily laugh at some of my dumbest thoughts.

  • 5:52 PM
  • 46 Comments