Ugh

Kat Dennings was at the Emmys and I'm not clear if she won anything but given that dress the real winners are us.  I don't know if she has any Emmys but I do know she has some Golden Globes.  Groan all you want, you knew I was going to make that joke.

Christina Hendricks was at the Emmys and in what some people are calling a shocker, Mad Men didn't win any awards but of course we have to remember that the Emmys have nothing to do with talent which would explain why Jon Cryer won an Emmy this year for best male lead in a comedy.

I often talk about what magnificent chichis(hmmm Magnificent Chichis...that could be a good porno parody) Sofia Vergara has but right before the Emmys she posted this photo on Twitter and her website.  Her nalgas couldn't be contained by that dress.  She split her dress because her ass is so jealous of all the attention her chest gets.  Every guy in a two mile radius stared and that's every guy, both gay and straight.  Her ass is so nice it crosses sexual orientation boundaries.  Not to turn this into a political post, but we really need to take a look at immigration reform. Specifically, any chick who has ever appeared on Univision should be granted full citizenship.  And I suppose we can't avoid talk of her chest.  She was on Katie Couric's show this week and revealed that she is a 32F.  Her publicist has advised her to have breast reduction surgery so she can land more roles.  Hey, she's doing just fine on Modern Family and The Three Stooges movies.  Sofia had this to say, "I'm very proud of my body and the way I look. I would be ungrateful to be saying, 'Oh, I'm so mad because people just look at me and see my pretty face. I thank God for what he has given me and I take advantage of it.  (My mom said), 'God is going to punish you, you can't chop your boobs out. It's crazy. All the women are risking their life to get boobs.' So I didn't do it."  Sofia's rack is why we have peace on earth.  For the past decade and a half, millions of men and women all over the world have learned Spanish or found Univision on their cable all so they could stare at Sofia's chest.  If North, Central, and South America can put aside all our differences by staring at her chest for a few minutes a day, imagine what we could do in the Middle East?  Now that is change I can believe in.

Olivia Munn showed up at the Emmys and an HBO after party.  She was originally wearing a huge spotlight with sirens and an arrow pointing at her.  Gosh I like her but alas it will not be because at the HBO party she was spotted canoodling with Alexander Skarsgard.  They were seen whispering to each other and were inseparable.  I could go on and on about Skarsgard but I won't because he's not banging your average Hollywood skank here.  Olivia Munn is one of godfatherofgreenbay's favorites.  That is some USDA choice beef he's fileting.  I guess that means he's trying to upgrade his profile.  Now if he nails Minka Kelly, Octomom, or certain Xangans then we all know he's been reading my diary.  I guess it's time I start using the lock on it.

Tina Fey was channeling her inner Audrey Hepburn for the cover of Entertainment Weekly.  I thought of posting this for Caturday but I'm writing this on caturday because I had somewhat of an emotional breakdown.  You know it's awesome when you think about someone you once loved and they are no longer here and you picture them so full of life and loving you and it feels like a knife through your heart.  Anyway...Tina talked about this being the last season of 30 Rock.  I think they have monkeys programming NBC because they are saying goodbye to two of their best shows this year, 30 Rock and The Office.  She said this, "I think it will be hard. I would love to get another TV show on the air someday."  Tina also talked about her movie Date Night because I guess that hasn't gotten enough publicity: "I liked the opportunity to play a person who was married as opposed to a rapidly decaying woman going on dates."  Sigh.  No joke...next.

There's this site called MyEx.com that combines celebrity gossip with stories about people's exes.  There's also a few nude pics and what not but you know I'm an awful pervert by now.  Anyway, Snooki's ex, Jeff Miranda, found that site and he had some interesting things to say about Snooki: "Well where to begin. Here is a start, my ex gf the snookster doesnt believe in showers and likes to wear the same cloth for days. While we were together during the filming of jersey shore season 3, she barely changed her underwear. And left the same tampon in for days!!!! Gross i Know. Even on episode 6 of season 3 you see her tampon string hanging out between her legs, talk about class right!!! I also remember walking down the seaside boardwalk with her to get on the sky ride while we had hundreds of fans flock us, and this poor little girl who was sick, her mom said that all she wanted was for snooki to say hi to her, guess what my POS ex gf did, nothing, what she did do, was turn away and look at me and say " ughh, i cant stand these people!! " What a total bitch, isnt even grateful for the people who made her what she is today!!! She isnt the little sweetheart everyone thinks she is!!! I am calling you out snooki!!! Just because your all famous now doesnt mean shit!!! Im on a reality show as well and know how to respect and show love to all my fans. you should learn the same!!! Shame on fucking you!!!"  Keep in mind she named her baby Lorenzo.  It's just a shame that the citizens of New Jersey will have to wait about 20 years for the Toxic Shock Avenger to protect them.

Serena Williams turned 31 this week.  She is such a great tenniser.  I really like when she passes the tennis ball to the other player and scores a hole in one to break par and roll a 300 perfect game.  I know nothing of tennis other than love, like in real life, is bad.  I just like her because at times she defies gravity.

You know, I have conflicts when posting photos of Selena Gomez.  In some she looks so great and in others, like this one, she looks like an overdeveloped 14 year old even though she's 20.  I guess it's fitting she's dating Justin Bieber.  They both look like they need to be put down for a nap because they threw a temper tantrum after being put in time-out for coloring on the walls with markers.

Reese Witherspoon is a fan of Arrested Development...not the TV show.  She gave birth to a baby boy this week.  This is Reese's first child with her new husband Jim Toth.  She had two children from her previous marriage with Ryan Phillippe.  Those kids are named Ava and Deacon.  Well Reese didn't want to stick with the plan of giving all her children names that make them sound like the biggest tattle-tales in class.  She named her new son Tennessee James Toth.  So I bet the kid was conceived listening to the song Tennessee by Arrested Development.  It's either that or she named him after her two favorite alcoholic beverages, Tennessee = where they make Jack Daniels whiskey and James as in Bartles & James winecoolers.  All I know is that kid is going to have an awesome future as a relic hunter...Tennessee James. 

Paris Hilton is taking a vacation from whatever the hell it is she does with her 168 hours of free time each week.  She is currently vacationing in Maui and this is a shot of her ziplining with her new boyfriend.  Why can't a huge eagle or even better a rabid pterodactyl swoop in and end out nation's misery.  Of course the eagle or pterodactyl would die an excruciating death from ingesting all those diseases. 

Nicki Minaj debuted her new fragrance this week.  If you want to smell like Nicki Minaj you obviously need to rethink your life decisions.  I think I'm going to throw up now because all those clashing bright colors are nauseating.

Miley Cyrus was at the iHeartRadio music festival in Las Vegas this week and she ran into Flava Flav.  It wasn't that special about their meeting but it is what happened after.  Flava tells the camera that he was happy to meet Gwen Stefani.  He mistook Miley for Gwen Stefani.  I don't know.  I would've probably said Pink first.  Maybe Flav just thinks all white women with short platinum blonde hair look alike.  But if that was the case then he'd mistake her for Brigitte Nielsen.  My question now is, is this a compliment to Gwen Stefani that he thinks she looks half her age or a insult to Miley because she looks twice her age?

And while I'm on Miley Cyrus and I know I make fun of her I would like to be on her, that tongue...holy crap. 

I guess Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are still dating.  This week they added a new layer of slime to their relationship.  And no, it's not the matching outfits although I think couples who wear matching outfits are totally insufferable and deserve to be put in stocks, it's the Bears shirts.  God, could it get any worse than the Chicago Bears with the New York in front.  I suppose it could be worse.  They could somehow have the Cubs on the shirt.

I tend to avoid this cunt but I couldn't resist this story.  I guess since she's good at spreading her legs for rich and famous men and she got a reality show because her daughter's a porn star, Kris Jenner felt that she was priviliged and didn't need to wait in line for the new iPhone 5 this week.  A week before they hit the stores, Kris called a store at a mall in California and told the clerk to set aside 5 iPhones and she would send an assistant in to pick them up when they were released.  The clerk told her that Kris would have to come in and stand in line like everyone else.  Kris demanded to speak to a manager but all the managers refused to speak with her because setting aside iPhones wasn't a negotiating issue.  They wouldn't do it for anyone.  Well the day they released, her assistant marched into the store and said, "I'm here to pick up 5 iPhones for Kris Jenner."  A security guard told the assistant, "See that line?  Go wait in it and you will be helped."  If you're keeping up with ways the Kardashian's are miserable human beings, feel free to add this to your list. This bitch is so entitled, she'd probably try to cut in line at Auschwitz.  And if the Kardashians are using iPhones then I don't want to have any part of an iPhone.

Kathy Griffin was spotted scaring all the children in her neighborhood this week.  I don't think I'll ever sleep again.  It's like she's trying to steal my soul.  It's either that or she's showing off her Halloween costume...Carrot Top with AIDS.

Katherine McPhee showed off a very clever use for the iPad.  It hides the camel toe.  And just look, the next iPad will have a Camel Toe Shield.  Her using it as a camel toe shield is probably the only thing Apple products are good for.  Oh and I bet the Kardashians will be clamoring for that new iPad but they'd need two or three iPads to cover their camel toes since they are so massive from sleeping their way to get a reality show.

I remember a few years ago when Xanga went crazy over the topic of spanking after Kate Gosselin was photographed by paparazzi spanking one of her children in their driveway.  A reporter named Robert Hoffman says that Kate got more hardcore with her punishments.  Her children won't have to worry about writing their memoirs about being spanked because Kate kept vivid diaries of all the times she had to spank her children.  In Robert Hoffman's new book Kate Gosselin: How She Fooled the World, he uses the diaries she kept.  Somehow he got a hold of these diaries and wrote about all her punishment methods.  In one entry Kate claims to have caught one of her children eating M&Ms and she pulled him by the hair and spanked him.  She also brags about using a wooden spoon on her children and she gave said spoon the name The Spanker.  She also writes about how she was worried she may hurt the kids.  Hoffman also alleges that in one entry Kate claims to have punished her son Collin by grabbing him by the hair and throwing him hard into his crib.  Sigh...I empathize with those kids.  I know all too well about hair pulling.  At least they never had to fear a leather belt or having a college class ring being turned around so you are struck upside the head with the stone.  Damn.  I just hope that wooden spoon isn't the same one she uses to mix cake batter.  That would be unhygienic.

Last week I mentioned how there was a Kanye West sex tape being shopped.  Well this week there is ANOTHER tape being shopped and this one is supposedly twice as long.  Rumor has it that the first tape is 20 minutes long and his co-star is Kim Kardashian lookalike Mony Monn.  The co-star in the second tape is a different girl and they apparently go at it for 40 minutes.  He is now claiming that someone stole the tapes from his computer.  Do you get the idea that Kris Jenner is behind this since she was the brains behind Kim's sex tape with Ray J and then later tried to buy it when Kim wanted to be a married woman?  I bet the real reason this tape is 40 minutes long is because Kanye didn't have a mirror in the room so he could admire his face.

So I was talking to my mom the other day and she knows I like Sons of Anarchy and she was telling me that either CNN or HLN ran a story about a cast member of Sons of Anarchy that beat up two guys with a 2X4, dismembered a cat, and killed his landlady and then killed himself.  I hit the web and found that it was Johnny Lewis, age 28.  This guy was only on Sons of Anarchy for two seasons or so before his drug habits got in the way and he wanted his character to have a larger role.  Witnesses said they heard the 81 year old landlady screaming and then two men came to investigate and they were beaten by Lewis and then he climbed on top of the landlady's house and fell off.  Witnesses also said that Lewis seemed to possess superhuman strength when attacking the woman and two men.  Police say he was using PCP or meth.  Meth gives you superhuman strength?  I guess I need some so I can go as Superman for Halloween and make it authentic.  It's weird but this guy dated Katy Perry in 2005 before she shot to fame.  It's also sketchy as to what happened but police suspect that the landlady caught Lewis stealing her jewelery or she confronted him about the dead cat.  I also found out that this guy's dad is one of the higher ups in the Church of Scientology but that's either attained by spending a night with John Travolta or beating Tom Cruise in a creepy contest.  Johnny was also said to be involved with the "church" and after the story broke all photos of Johnny Lewis were removed from their website.  Apparently this guy had some bad thetans.  A church blog had Lewis in a category called "Celebrities who use Scientology and Dianetics to help them live happy and successful live".  So extreme Muslims fly planes into buildings and hate women, extreme Christians bomb abortion clinics and hate women, and extreme Scientologists are mostly just closet cases who like to file lawsuits and feed their sick kids niacin. I think L. Ron Hubbard would be proud that Johnny Miller didn't go see a psychiatrist. It's obvious that someone who tortures a cat doesn't have any psychological issues. None at all.

Heidi Klum is pissed and is suing a French magazine for posting topless photos of her even though she goes topless all the time.  I know her boobs better than those of the young woman who moved in across the street and hasn't purchased curtains yet.  Thank the lord for binoculars.  She is claiming her privacy was violated just like Kate Middleton.  The photos have surfaced on several websites showing Heidi on vacation in the south of France with her bodyguard boyfriend sans bikini top. There's just one problem it's unclear which French magazine published the original pics.  Her camp is trying to discover the original source because they claim she was on a private, secluded beach when the photos were taken.  This has to be a publicity stunt and it probably is because Project Runway isn't as popular as what it once was. 

Guy Fieri is in Florence, Italy and some tourists snapped their photo with Guy.  If you are in the birthplace of the Renaissance and the highlight of your visit was getting your photo taken with that douchebag then you are an asshole.

If you can name 8 out of 10 people in this photo then you had an awesome childhood.  If you don't know, the two old guys are the creators of Full House and then there's DJ, Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, Stephanie, Uncle Joey, Kimmy Gibbler, Danny Tanner, and DJ's boyfriend Steve.  They reunited this week for shiggles.  The Olsen twins were there but you can't see them because they are so skinny.  They're hiding behind one of the leaves on that plant.  So they didn't show up, that means more coke for everyone!

These days aren't so happy for former actress on Happy Days, Erin Moran(left).  Erin played Joanie Cunningham and in this picture she's with her TV mom Marion Ross.  Currently, Erin is down and out in Indiana after being kicked out of a trailer park with her husband Steve Fleischmann.  They are currently motel hopping and draining money faster than whatever's left of Scott Baio's sanity.  Erin's path of woe started a few years ago when she was evicted from her home in California.  To save money, Erin and Steve moved into Steve's mom's trailer park.  They didn't last long in the trailer park because the other residents couldn't stand Erin and Steve's party habits so Steve's mom kicked them out.  The National Enquirer talked about how Erin got a cash settlement from CBS for merchandising rights but she has nearly drank up all that money.  They were living in a Holiday Inn for a while but the staff couldn't stand their partying so they were asked to leave.  I guess it could be worse.  I mean she could've actually married Scott Baio.  I think it's time Howard and Marion send out Richie and the Fonz to find Joanie and bring her home otherwise she may end up like Chuck. 

Dita Von Teese turned 40 this week.  Gosh that's swell...just like something on my body...my ankle you pervert.  It always swells when there is a weather change.  I should've posted this one on Caturday too.

Bruce Springsteen turned 63 this week.  I really enjoy this guy's music.  Yeah, I know, I'm probably losing music credibility with some of you but Springsteen is awesome.  I like to sing some of his songs for karaoke, especially his older stuff when it sounds like he was drunk and slurring everything.  Just listen to Born to Run.  I had an awesome Springsteen impression.  Also, the best bumpersticker I've ever seen involves him.  It said, "Your boss may be a Jewish carpenter but my Boss is a guitarist from New Jersey"

Speaking of New Jersey, Aida Turturro turned 50 this week.  Aida is best known for her role on The Sopranos and for being from the Turturro family of actors (her cousins are John and Nicholas Turturro). I loved her character on The Sopranos.  She was the true villain of that series. 

This is Margaret Pellegrini.  She turned 89 this week.  She is one of the last surviving Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz.  She had an interesting tale of how she was discovered according to wikipedia.  It's hard to imagine that there are still people alive who were in The Wizard of Oz.  I looked it up and there are only 3 remaining Munchkins and Margaret is the youngest.  The other two are Ruth Duccini (94) and Jerry Maren (92).

Kevin Sorbo turned 54 this week.  I figured I'd throw this photo in for the ladies and the Lutherans.  Kevin Sorbo may be one of the most popular WELS actors out there.

Donald Glover turned 29 this week.  Glover is one of the hottest rising stars in Hollywood.  He's a comedian, a rapper who goes by Childish Gambino, a writer for 30 Rock, and is best known for his role on Community.  He has a bright future ahead of him.

Speaking of bright futures, remember this lady?  It's Nia Vardalos.  She turned 50 this week.  She is probably best known for the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  Then she just sort of faded away.  Hopefully her landing on the round-up will get her some exposure.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Remember Green Day?  Well they were at the iHeartRadio Festival in Las Vegas this past weekend and frontman Billy Joe Armstrong lost his shit.  They were playing a song called "Basket Case" when the timer on the wall flashed that they only had 1 minute left on their performance because Usher went 25 minutes over his allotted time.  Here's the video.  Now since he claims "I'm not fucking Justin Bieber" and it's a reference to Usher, I wonder if he's using "fucking" as a verb or an adjective.  Usually throwing hate at Justin Bieber is a sign of sanity but not for Billy Joe.  He is going to rehab.  Green Day also issued an apology to the festival and fans.  It comes as no surprise that he's going to rehab and they apologized.  Clear Channel hosts the iHeartRadio Festival and Clear Channel basically owns 850 radio stations in the U.S. and Green Day has a new album coming out so they figured if they didn't comply they wouldn't get any radio play.  I thought that was awful but then I realized nothing says punk rock like a middle-aged white dude getting his feelings hurt and saying "fuck" a lot after he already cashed his check from Clear Channel.  If you're singing the same shit you did in the 90's and you had your own Broadway show, save the righteous indignation for the your coke mirror. Because, I hate to break this to you, nobody gives a shit. I know I'm speculating that he is going to rehab for coke but more than likely he's going to rehab to break his addiction to eyeliner.

Legendary singer Andy Williams passed away this week at the age of 84.  Williams had 18 gold albums and 3 platinum albums and he also hosted a television variety show for 9 years.  Andy Williams will be remembered best for his song "Moon River".  I think my favorite Andy Williams reference was on The Simpsons.  Who knew the resident bully, Nelson Muntz, could be a huge Andy Williams fan?  But...boom...second encore.  Andy Williams will be missed.

Lindsay Lohan was sent to the emergency room last weekend because of an apparent asthma attack.  Sources are also saying that Lohan has not been showing up for a paying job because she claims she has walking pneumonia.  I bet she went on WebMD and looked for things that would prevent her from working when she would rather be partying.  She is also claiming that the stress from being arrested for hitting a pedestrian is weakening her lungs.  This isn't a case of walking pneumonia but it's stumbling dullard pneumonia.  You know what else might convince her body that it has a lung infection? The 12 packs of Parliaments she smokes a day.  We'll all find out I'm just making baseless claims when Dina Lohan releases a statement saying that Lindsay was a naval dockyard worker and came into contact with asbestos.  You know they watch TV too and see all those commercials of law firms looking to help people with medical problems.  Time for the Lohans to cash in.

Have a great weekend.

Well it's that time of the week again.  I keep thinking it's going to be fall and then the temperatures rise.  Today it was in the 70s but once the sun goes down it is nearly freezing and I am sitting here shivering because I need to get my furnace serviced before I start running it.  I know what will warm me up...some hotlinks.

12.  Sometimes the people in our history books did more things than what they tell us.  Here are 5 people who also brought us sexual innovations.

8.  Sesame Street kicked off it's 43rd season this week.  Here are 43 Sesame Street facts.

6.  It's amazing how people can look so much alike.  Even more, it's really amazing when celebrities look like other celebrities.  Here's a collection of musicians and their celebrity doppelgangers.

5.  I have recently gotten into Breaking Bad through the DVDs.  I'm really bad about watching shows when they actually air so it's just easier for me to watch the DVDs.  Anyway, here's a Tumblr site featuring Breaking Bad fan art.

2.  I remember when Joe Biden came to Milwaukee in 2008 for a campaign stop at Kopp's frozen custard.  Biden asked about the ice cream and a worker corrected him by saying "It's not ice cream, it's frozen custard."  Biden told the worker to quit being a smartass.  Well Joe Biden loves his ice cream and frozen custard.  Here's a Tumblr site devoted to Joe Biden eating ice cream.

7.  Here's a Tumblr site I've come to enjoy called Lucille and Mitt.  It combines Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development with actual Mitt Romney quotes.  Like the site says...rich people say the darnedest things.

4.  I don't know what to say other than here's a list of the 9 most famous prostitutes in history.

9.  There's a high school in Minneapolis called Southwest.  They have one of the most interesting afterschool clubs in all the schools in the Twin Cities.  Doesn't take a lot to amuse those students.

3.  Well the baseball regular season is coming to an end and the playoffs will soon start so I decided to share this collection of the 50 greatest caps in baseball history.

1.  I stumbled upon this article about a French designer who has rethought the beer bottle.  He made them cubed.  It looks pretty good but I hate Heineken.  That would be so much easier for stacking.

10.  I don't know who has an ereader but I know I've shared Project Gutenberg before so I'll share with you Planet Ebook.  It's a collection of 80 classic titles that are free in ebook form.

11.  And while I'm on the subject of reading, here's a collection of the libraries of 15 famous men.  One day I'll have one of those and maybe I'll be famous...HAHAHAHAHA

This is a quote from Chuck Palahniuk's novel "Fight Club".  You know when I saw this all I could think about was hitting a speed bag.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I probably saw this video way too many times.

This is a tattoo of a book cover from Chuck Palahniuk's "Invisible Monsters".  That's one of his books I'd love to see made into a movie.  Hell, I'd love to see all his books made into films.

I'll pass because I'm pretty sure you've put something else there and I don't want that on my throat.

I'll stay true and I want to give her peace a chance.

This is some band tattoo but I'm not sure exactly because I'm old and unhip however I really like that saying.

I better not say anything negative about this tattoo otherwise I'll get another person to create a Xanga account to send me hate mail.

Well that's lovely.  I wonder if that's her name or how she describes her actions.

Louis Vuitton...someone is a fan.  I wonder if when that guy dies if someone will take his skin off and tan it and turn it into a purse.

This librarian had to get this tattoo to shush her boyfriend during their love making sessions.

Reading really does give you superpowers.

Every time I saw this tattoo in my files I always thought of the Reading Rainbow theme song.  It's the strangest thing.

Hell yeah...BOOKS!  I'm sure my librarian readers appreciate these.  I actually dig them if you cared.

This is Uma Thurman's character from Pulp Fiction after she was saved from overdose.  "Ifyou're all right, say something."  "Something."

Someone loves Photoshop.  I wonder if in a few years they'll photoshop this pic and make it appear as if they have no tattoo.

Where the Wild Things Are...they're on his arm.  That's an easy answer.

Well that's a nice tattoo to have forever.

All you need is love?  False.  The human body requires a constant intake of nutrients, fluids, and oxygen and not love.

A mixer?  I bet someone really likes cooking.  Well at least the reflection on the bowl is pretty cool. 

Of all the Jason Segel characters and Muppets to get tattooed on your body.  I could think of at least a dozen others that are better choices.

With the price of gold these days...no no no that's not good.  I wonder if he ever finds himself subconsciously rubbing his feet together.

Have a great night.

Well it's that time of year again.  Oktoberfest is here again.  All I really know about the festival is that it's a big beer drinking celebration.  I consulted with wikipedia and if you believe that wikipedia is trustworthy it says that Prince Ludwig was married to Therese of Saxe-Hildburghausen on October 12, 1810.  The citizens of Munich were invited to attend festivities honoring the couple held near the city gates.  The next year they decided to make it an annual event and to celebrate the agricultural aspects of Bavaria.  It was then pushed back to September for warmer weather.  Nowadays Oktoberfest is just a celebration of beer.  This weekend is the kick-off of Oktoberfest near me.  The fest here is celebrating its 52nd year and is one of the largest celebrations in America.  I went to high school in that town and my German class was invited for the tapping of the golden keg and we sang "Ein Prosit Ein Prosit Der Gemütlichkeit (hey I remembered the umlaut).  Later that day a couple classmates and I snuck into the beer gardens and we got plastered.  We were warned by people to be careful and avoid strange men giving us beer because that was when the Mississippi Madman or Smiley Face Killer theory was starting to gain popularity for all the deaths in La Crosse.  This celebration is a huge deal.  The local news station interrupts broadcast to air the transport of the tap to the beer gardens for the tapping of the golden keg.  The procession is much like how they do the Olympic torch except they have people running through the streets carrying a beer tap.  Open intoxicant laws are thrown out the window and the police get drunk right along with the festgoers.  The last time I was in that town during Oktoberfest I was at a redlight and I was offered a beerbong.  Oh and this year they had to hire police officers from London because they are expecting record numbers of people.  Nothing like a recession to bring record numbers of people wanting to get drunk.  No wonder it's often referred to as Notsoberfest.

Also you get to see sights like this:

Ok so the last two weren't from Oktoberfest but they were from a pretty kick-ass wedding reception that I couldn't partake of because I was bit by a spider and couldn't mix alcohol with my medicines because I wanted to keep my leg from being amputated.

More than likely, I'll go to the grocery store and grab a case of beer, some bratwurst, and sauerkraut.  Then I'll have my own Oktoberfest in my backyard and by Saturday afternoon I'll be passed out underneath my apple tree and neighborhood children will throw apples at my lifeless body.  Also I am alone so I don't have a designated driver.

Ich würde nie Alkohol im Strassenverkehr verzeihen. Ich unterstreiche gerade, dass ich jetzt verantwortlicher als an den Tagen meiner Jugend bin.

I’m pretty certain that the referee from last night’s game was the same guy who told me Prometheus was a good movie.

So I was teaching the other day and this kid came in the classroom and his hair was all disheveled and he was wearing formal clothes but they were really messy and I swear there was blood on them.  He started speaking to his classmates and his voice was really low and gravelly.  I couldn’t take it any more because I thought this kid was trying to imitate Batman so I asked, “Who died and made you Batman?”  He replied, “My parents…last night.”  That made for an awkward rest of the day.

I don’t like going to twitter much any more because I look at my Bachelor’s Degree and start to cry as I try to make a fart joke in under140 characters.

Someone from the GOP said that releasing the video of Romney making that speech about 47% of Americans was character assassination of a good man.  Somewhere Jeremiah Wright did a spit take.  Romney also plans on playing dubstep at future campaign stops to prove he can connect with younger generations.  He also plans on ending his speeches with “Sock it to me, baby.”

A study out of Yale University has revealed that no matter how many times you answer “OK” your parents will not shut up.

I’m pretty sure all body spray deodorant smells like teenage sex and drug abuse.

I was reading a newspaper and there was an article about a Segway owner who killed himself by driving his Segway off a cliff.  I guess the old saying is true; you live by the Segway, you die by the Segway.

Birds don’t sing. They rap and they usually rap about shitting all over you and your car.

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that books will become obsolete sometime in our lifetime and that I’m part of the problem?  Does it also bother you that Asian countries are going to surpass us in our lifetime? I mean their pop music is so much better than ours.

If I was a meal, I’d be a Stouffer’s Microwavable Dinner for One.

Since Kanye West is dating Kim Kardashian I guess he is officially OK with golddiggers.

A lot of people don’t think Jesus had a wife.  Well he probably did because who else would’ve been the first to yell “Jesus H. Christ!”  Oh and Bible scholars don’t know about where the “H” came from.  It’s obviously his middle name Herbert.  I’m probably blasphemous but I really do hate that “Jesus Take the Wheel” song but I’m pretty sure after he changed the water into wine, Jesus wouldn’t have been able nor wanted to take the wheel and besides that do you really think Jesus would know how to drive when Jesus in The Passion of the Christ didn’t know how to eat at a regular table.

If you disregard the strippers, fighting, and overall crudeness, you can get some pretty good relationship advice from Jerry Springer when he gives his final thoughts.

I need to stop being attracted to women I can’t have like lesbians but then my momma didn’t raise a quitter but then I don’t have to worry since I have the sex appeal of a patch of dead grass.

I woke up this morning to all these strange sounds outside my house.  I couldn’t figure out if it was construction or a Skrillex concert. It was construction.

I’m going to be realistic, if iCarly was a real show I’m pretty sure she’d be bullied relentlessly on the show and in real life.

Sleeping alone is a waste of my sexual talent.

Two of my biggest hobbies are listening to the same album on repeat for hours and being a bitter asshole but restraining myself from yelling at people.

I watched Blue Velvet again. Good thing I don’t plan on having sex for the next month or so.

Apparently Green Day will be waking up at the end of this week.

Why is it that when no one is around I’m at my funniest?

I know I talk about how I hate labels but when someone tells me they detest labels and won’t use them, I fill one glass with water and another with hydrochloric acid.  Good luck telling which is which without labels.

Have you ever watched a movie and about halfway through you didn’t know any of the characters’ names? I’d tell which movie that happened to me last but it wasn’t memorable.

I’m going to learn the Gangnam style dance so I can be the most popular person at the homecoming dance. I turned on my radio the other day and that song was playing and it reminded me why I don’t listen to the radio anymore.

Love songs are so depressing to me because I’m a pessimist and I see every love song ending one of three ways: either the person they love will rip their heart out of their chest, they will rip the heart of the object of their affection’s chest, or someone will die in a tragic automobile accident.

You can ask me to pick up milk and eggs on the way home and I’ll forget but if you ask me to remember lyrics to Warren G’s “Regulators” I can recite the whole song.

Mitt Romney talked about opening windows on a plane.  The Polish military bought that idea and think this will be a bigger idea than screen doors on submarines.

And here's your weekly dose of motivation:

Have you ever wondered how many men converted to Judaism just so they could cover up their bald spots?

I wish being popular wasn’t a popularity contest.  I wish it was a hotdog eating contest.

I don’t understand Life cereal.  It tastes good.  It should taste bittersweet.

Football on Saturday and Sunday is awesome because it makes drinking at noon look normal.

I’ve been looking for the perfect girl, well not so much perfect but she has to love me more than I hate myself.  I guess that would mean she would have to be perfect.

With the rise of the popularity of porno parodies, I’m waiting for the day when an actor or actress falls from grace and ends up playing their role in the porno parody of their movie.

I’m trying to narrow down my favorite western movie.  It’s either “Once Upon a Time in the West”,“The Magnificent Seven”, or “American Tail: Fievel Goes West”.

I once blew a fuse because I have a fireworks fetish.

My parents never made me wash out my mouth for swearing but one time I flipped them off they made me wash my hands.  It was so disgusting.

I’m not fat; I’m just bloated from being dead on the inside.

A lot of my friends ooh and ahh over dogs with three legs but they start screaming at me to stop when I try to one off from a four legged dog.

I’m trying to figure out which SNES game was better: NBA Jam or WNBA Lay Up.

If I get a tattoo it will be the Chinese symbol for barbed wire.

The way to a woman’s heart is with a penis that reaches that far and shoots diamonds and cash.

Politicians are like sperm. One in a million turns out to be an actual human

I tried dating an astronaut once but she always said she needed her space.

90% of seniors support medicinal marijuana.  Too bad they are just high school seniors.

My last girlfriend had multiple personalities.  Does that mean I was involved in an orgy?

If I had a nickel for every lustful stare I’ve received today then I’d have 88cents.

A woman called me ugly today.  I started crying because it must be so difficult to live with horrible eyesight.

I was voted most popular at the Mazomanie Nude Beach this summer.  I usually brought two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts with me to the beach.

A girl wrote “wash me” on the dust on my dick.

Most of my knowledge of the female orgasm comes from the onetime I saw When Harry Met Sally.

To all the ladies who have propositioned me over the years here on Xanga…yes, I will have sex with all of you.

“You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.

I’m trying to help Xanga start a new marketing campaign and I’m submitting two new slogans.  First:“Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”  Second: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”

I wish I could ctrl alt delete some Xangans.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all,just post that shit on Xanga.

93% of Xanga users say the biggest regret they have about Xanga usually involves the recommend comment or befriending the guy who recommends every single comment he writes.

OK, class, I graded and answered your last assignment.  Now some of you were a bit rusty but I'm going to chalk that up to summer brain entropy.  Make sure you answer the all the questions fully and concisely.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
   

B.
   

C. 
 
Is this a good song to play at a funeral?  Why or why not?

Make sure you do two of the questions and make sure for question C you answer the questions underneath the photo.

Now get to work.

My answers:
A.  I'd probably end up in Germany so I could live in one of the Reformation castles or churches.  I also think Germany would be just like home.  I guess that is why so many Germans settled in this state because it reminded them of home.

B.  I'd go with the Full House cast.  I was right around the same age as DJ and Stephanie.  I think DJ was supposed to be a couple years older and Stephanie was a couple years younger so I would've loved that dynamic plus you had the awesome rocker Uncle Jesse and the comedian Uncle Joey.  Then Danny would clean everything for you even when you drove the car through the kitchen.  Plus I'd get to hear "cut it out" quite often.  I might also like to live with The Foremans on That 70s Show, Lenny and Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley, and The Cunninghams from Happy Days.

C.  Nothingman by Pearl Jam...I don't know how that would work for a funeral song but I think it would be good for me since it may be my favorite song.

A while back I talked dropped some knowledge on all of you and I think it went unnoticed by everyone except one and it blew her mind.  I proposed that a woman's natural lip color is the same color as her nipples.  I won't tell you the specifics of my study because I'm sure most of you are taken back by this bold theory.  So what I'm looking to do is collect photos of women's breasts and lips.  You can send me your photos at my email iwannaseeyourboobies2012@yahoo.com  This is for science, ladies!  Oh and I also got thinking that since women are sending photos of breasts around for breast cancer why aren't men being hit up to send photos of their junk since prostate cancer kills more men than breast cancer kills women?  Or maybe men would submit photos of the old brown eye.  Who knows?  I just feel that the ladies of Xanga should be jumping on that and jumping on me.  Speaking of jumping on me, is it normal to have nothing but Xanga sex dreams.  Gosh.  I bet all women are saying, "Please don't be me, please don't be me, please don't be me!"  Well I'll have you know it was you and you had the greatest 15 seconds of your life.  Seriously, ladies, if a guy is done in under a minute, you should take it as a compliment because that means you are a sex goddess.  I wonder how many people are going to try sending email to that address.

Another night of Xanga sex dreams and postulating ridiculous scientific theories about nipples.

OK, I'll stop believing after I call my insurance agent because of this car accident because I thought it was a "Don't Stop" sign.

Best.  Prank.  EVER!

You're American!  Eat the regular kind, sissy.  We didn't dump sissy drink in Boston Harbor and kick them limey bastards out of our country so you could eat reduced sodium microwavable crap.

The perfect conservative candidate

He needs a third tablet that says, "Acquire guns".

Robert Johnson is the man

Gandhi was such a badass

50 Shades of Neigh or maybe NAY

The Fonz would approve

I am currently working on a petition for the Wisconsin legislature to make this our new state song.

Yeah, most definitely have to be careful about what you wear on picture day.

"You got syphilis on my herpes!"  "No, you got herpes on my syphilis!"
Coming soon to KMart: The Sandra Lee Collection.

Before the Hamburger Helper hand was helpful, he was a bored, unhelpful, lazy teenager.

This is not the kiwi that Gotham deserves but the one it needs right now.

I bet that kid is a racist

I was going to but this on a leather cut and sell it at some comicon but I forgot that people who'd wear that would only want it on capes.

Don Gorske is the man

I'm an award winning human

but I forgot it.  Anyway it's #caturday  enjoy

Maybe I'll have more to say tomorrow.

Hey, what do you know, not depressed tonight.  I got a new TV because mine was too old and the company doesn't even exist any more.  My dad didn't have a heart attack and my mom was released from the hospital.  I broke a personal rule tonight and ate spaghetti sauce out of a jar but I have to say that the Prego bacon and provolone sauce may be the best canned sauce I've ever had and I'd be willing to use it again.  Anyway, my life doesn't excite you so here's the round up.

Good news, Ted fans.  There will be a sequel.  Now you can revel in jokes recycled from Family Guy.  Universal wants to start production as soon as possible because the first movie grossed over $400million.  There were no other specifics.  I never saw the movie because I figured that I saw the entire thing in previews and gifs on Tumblr.

This is Yunel Escobar.  He plays baseball for the Toronto Blue Jays.  This week he was suspended by Major League Baseball for the writing on his eye black.  In Spanish that translates as "You're a faggot."  I really don't know what people think when they do shit like that.  Did he honestly think that there are white folks that don't speak Spanish?  I should post a link to the story and end with the question, what would you rather see on eye black: gay slurs or Bible verse references?

Do you even know who this is?  He's an Olympian and has won gold medals for the U.S. at the winter Olympics.  He's supposedly one of the most dominant athletes in two sports even though most people don't really consider what he does to be a sport.  It's Shaun White, the Flying Tomato.  He's so dominate in the ESPN created X-Games.  Apparently he was in Nashville and was trying to advance to the medal round in the X Games event called "running down the hallway and pulling fire alarms".  He pulled a Charlie Sheen and started trashing his hotel room.  White was confronted by hotel staff and he took off running down a hall way to make a getaway and on the way he decided to pull a few fire alarms for good measure.  Well since he was drunk he couldn't run that straight and he ended up falling down and splitting his head open on a fence and the shiner was a result.  Police were called and they charged White with public intoxication and vandalism but they didn't take him in because he was taken to the hospital for treatment.  He is a ginger so it was only a matter of time before he revealed himself to be a soulless menace hellbent on destroying everything in his ginger path.  I'm surprised there were people drowned in his bathroom or a giant stash of ACME brand explosives on his bed.  Maybe it's just early in his ginger buffoonery.  Maybe the Olympics and X Games need an event called Douche Beating.  The fence would win the gold every year.

Shakira announced this week that she was expecting her first child.  The Colombian singer has been going steady with Spanish soccer star Gerard Pique since last year.  This announcement comes in wake of a rumor that there is a sex tape involving the two.  Weird.  I've heard of people filming the births of their children but I've never heard of people trying to film the conception.  Maybe now her breasts won't be small and humble.  Interestingly, Pique is expected to miss 2-3 weeks after spraining his foot yesterday in Barcelona's Champions League' match again Spartak Moscow, an injury that is quite obviously the work of the demon fetus in Shakira's perfect body.  How much destruction will the little demon exact upon mankind?  No one knows, my friend, no one knows.  Imagine if the child is a ginger and pairs up with Shaun White.

Selena Gomez was spotted poolside chatting on a phone.  Why yes, she was chatting with me and, yes, things were getting heated.  Out of camera range was Justin Bieber yelling, "Get off the phone!  The Godfather hates me and no he's stealing my girlfriend.  I'm so emasculated.  Also close your legs.  You know how I feel about girl parts."

Because Pattie Mallette hasn't made enough money off her kid, she's writing a book about her life being Justin Bieber's mother.  She was recently on the Today Show and was interviewed by Kathy Lee Gifford and Pattie said that she lost her virginity at 15 and was pregnant at 17.  She said survived a suicide attempt after being sexually abused and wound up in a psychiatric ward.  She was visited by a Christian counselor who convinced her not to abort the baby and now we have Justin Bieber.  So let's get this straight, Pattie gave birth to Justin Bieber and is writing about HER life.  I probably could read that entire book while standing at a Walmart checkout line.  Page 1...hi, my name is Pattie.  Page 2...Justin Bieber was in my belly and came out my vagina.  Page 3...now I'm rich.  Page 4...I can't believe you bought this.  The end.  I hope I didn't spoil anything for all of you Pattie Mallette fans.

Salma Hayek and Oliver Stone were out promoting the movie Savages this week.  Yeah, Oliver, boobs do that to me too.  Oliver must have arthritis and he's trying to relieve his pain by grasping the hooters of holiness.

The website ComingSoon.net released still shots from the Robocop remake.  Joel Kinnaman is playing the Alex Murphy/Robocop role and apparently Robocop had a makeover.  According to ComingSoon, this is the synopsis of the movie: In RoboCop, the year is 2028 and multinational conglomerate OmniCorp is at the center of robot technology. Their drones are winning American wars around the globe and now they want to bring this technology to the home front. Alex Murphy (Kinnaman) is a loving husband, father and good cop doing his best to stem the tide of crime and corruption in Detroit. After he is critically injured in the line of duty, OmniCorp utilizes their remarkable science of robotics to save Alex's life. He returns to the streets of his beloved city with amazing new abilities, but with issues a regular man has never had to face before.  Robocop is one of my favorite movies and I quote it almost daily.  The suit looks a little too much like Batman but the movie also stars Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, and Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Haley, and Michael K. Williams.  I suppose it might be good after all but I would love to see Red from That 70s Show as the villain once again and fall into a vat of toxic waste and get run over by a car.  The movie is scheduled to come out in 2013.

15 years removed from the scandal that rocked America, Monica Lewinsky is set to pen a tell-all book about her relationship with Bill Clinton.  People are worried for Bill's sake that what she'll reveal will kill him because of his weak heart.  Apparently she's going to talk about how daily she begged Bill to leave Hilary because Monica could love him better.  She's 40 now and is single.  I sort of feel bad for her because of it but then I don't know that she's going to cash in.  Also I'm trying to wrap my mind around why old Humidor Crotch has waited so long to write a book about it.  What do you think she'll title the book...A Million Little Cum Stains?  Tuesdays with Whorrie?

Larry Hagman turned 82 this week.  This guy might be one of the most memorable characters in TV history.  J.R. Ewing was such a villain and people loved to hate the guy.  I remember reading once how Hagman got death threats because of the hatred surrounding J.R. Ewing.  I really liked his work in the new Dallas reboot.  Back to his old tricks.  And suddenly I'm having a memory from my childhood.  I have written before about a kid we called Checkerman.  He had a sister that always wore a shirt that said "I Love to Hate J.R. Ewing".  Such a great shirt for church.  I can't remember but I think on the back it said, "I shot J.R."

I know I have a lot of Lady Gaga fans that read this post but we have to face facts.  She's becoming irrelevant day by day and that the "shocking" shit she does no longer shocks and her music isn't that good and it's played out.  So of course she smoked weed on stage at a concert in Amsterdam.  Midshow Gaga admitted to being a member of the "green club" and pulled out a joint and started toking in front of many young fans.  She started praising marijuana for its medicinal purposes and she felt the best place to announce her feelings for the drug was in Amsterdam.  While some fans appreciated her honesty, most were unimpressed by her antics.  Talk about pandering, was that supposed to be shocking to anyone in the audience?  SHE WAS IN AMSTERDAM!  I can't wait for her to eat a taco while performing in Mexico City and claim to be part of the tortilla club.  I can't wait for her and 3 other women to get married to one man when she performs in Salt Lake City.  People will be shocked and minds will be blown.  Here's a video.  Also this week, a new Gaga song titled "Cake Like Lady Gaga" or "Cake/Trap" was leaked.  I have no fucking clue what that title means and I'm not quite sure if this is the worst song in the history of recorded music.  Apparently her rapping style is to take a bunch of Xanax and rhyme designer names and then threaten to shoot a bitch ass trick.  People do claim it's not her but according to a commenter on Sound Cloud it is her: "this most definitely is Gaga. It was posted by gagas current producer DJ Whiteshadow with her vocals pitched down. This is the fixed version. Also, Gagas best friend Tara confirmed via Twitter its her."  Well here's the song.   Sorry.

If you can forget the fact that Khloe Kardashian doesn't look half-black and believe everything the National Enquirer prints then you'll believe their claims that O.J. Simpson is the father of Khloe.  He apparently told his other children that even though he is dirt poor he has a secret account in the Cayman Islands that is where his NFL pension is being sent.  He also admitted that he could be her father because he had an affair with Kris Kardashian(now Jenner) the wife of his friend Robert.  Now O.J. is supposedly feeling upset that he was never in her life and so he's re-writing his will to include Khloe.  Hmmm maybe O.J. is just trying to cash in on the Kardashian family reality shit.  What more could I possibly add to this story?  O.J. is the type of guy that it's shocking he hasn't tied his children to train tracks.  Also does Khloe really need the money?  Of course not, but if O.J. wants her to have it, then it's hers. O.J. must be so frustrated. Since he's in prison where he belongs, he can't handle things the way he's accustomed to. Of course by "handle" I mean murder, and by "things" I mean his sassing children.

A sex tape starring Kanye West performing with an 18 year old girl who looks like Kim Kardashian is being shopped to various websites.  The tape is apparently 20 minutes long and features a lot of dirty talk, petting, and kissing and then Kanye focuses on the girl.  This must be terrible for his new girlfriend Kim.  It's heartbreaking to know your significant other is involved in a sex tape. 

Jimmy Fallon turned 38 this week.  I actually like this guy now.  I hated him on Saturday Night Live but I think that was because at that time I really wanted to be on the show and I was struggling in life.  Anyway, I've grown past my dislike and I actually like his talk show.  It's so much better than Jay Leno but that's not saying a lot.

Jim Carrey was spotted in Malibu scoping out all the ladies in bikinis.  When asked if he'd like to go back to her apartment, Jim was quoted as saying, "ALRIGHT THEN!"  Actually that's his girlfriend.  It must be nice to be rich.

It's hard to believe that Harvey Pekar has been dead for two years.  This guy was a hero of mine.  He wrote the legendary comic book American Splendor.  American Splendor is also the name of a movie about the life of Pekar, a movie which also is one of my favorites.  There will also be quite a bit of posthumous work that will be released.  Pekar was a native of Cleveland, OH and the city will erect a statue of Pekar at the Lee Road branch of the Cleveland Heights-University Heights Public Library, a library that Pekar frequented.  The unveiling will be on October 14th and JT Waldman who worked with Pekar on Not the Israel My Parents Promised Me will be speaking.  I remember there's a statue of Herge the creator of Tintin in France but I can't think of any other comic writer that has a statue dedicated to them.  This is awesome.  Anyway, here's a photo of the statue in it's unfinished form.

From accounts of past boyfriends and husbands, Halle Berry is crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory or a June bug in May.  That being said, she can wear the hell out of a bikini and if there was an equivalent of heroic military leaders it would be General William Sherman or Uncle Billy.  Now all these people south of the Mason Dixon line are talking about seceding if Obama is re-elected.  Don't make me re-animate Uncle Billy and have him march to the sea.  My great-grandfather served under Sherman.

Even though many other celebrities have been busted for marijuana in Texas, Fiona Apple thought it'd be a good idea to have it while in Texas this week.  She was busted in a town called Sierra Blanca.  It's a town in Texas, 20 minutes from the border so it's popular for two things: drug trafficking and celebrity trafficking.  Celebrity trafficking?  Yes, the town is located on I-10, the interstate that runs from Los Angeles to Florida and film crews and music tours travel along that route.  Other celebrities busted in Sierra Blanca include Armie Hammer, Paul Wall, Snoop Dogg, and Willie Nelson.  She was arrested after drug sniffing dogs found her stash of hashish after border agents stopped the bus because of a strong odor of marijuana.  She was booked in the Hudspeth County jail and for some reason she's still sitting in jail.  I always thought Fiona Apple would've been busted for heroin because of the way she looks, some of her early music videos, and her pretentiously long album titles.  And up until tonight, I thought I looked good in purple.  I guess I'm wrong quite a bit and I never want to be called Grimace ever again.  Speaking of McDonald's characters, doesn't she look like she's either wearing a Hamburglar Halloween costume or she is the Hamburglar.  Damn...maybe after smoking weed she gets the munchies and steals hamburgers.  Damn you, marijuana!  You ruin everything!

Moments after this photo was taken, Clint Eastwood started yelling at those empty chairs for supporting President Obama but then he started laughing uproariously because a few of the chairs told him some funny jokes and then he took out his notepad and wrote down some ideas a chair gave him for a future movie production.

This is Casandra Petersen.  She is better known as Elvira.  She turned 61 this week.  I remember watching her show when I was a kid.  I was too young to get the two biggest rating magnets.  I watched a few episodes and then I had nightmares.  My parents forbade me from watching after that.  So sad.  I recently saw her on an episode of Oddities.  They went out and bought a necklace of human teeth for her.  She still looked great and like she could step into that dress.  I still remember the short lived FOX Reality Channel.  They had a show that was to pick the new Elvira.  Plot twist: the winner didn't work out and old Elvira became the new Elvira.

Candice Swanepoel was doing a photoshoot for the new Victoria's Secret catalog and after she was finished she took a trip to the beach.  God bless trips to the beach.  I've been staring at that ass like some people stare at faint images of Jesus on pieces of burnt toast.

Bill Murray turned 62 this week.  I don't really need to write anything more because it's Bill Murray.  I always hear he shows up to random events so I'm officially inviting Bill to the Xanga meet-up on June 1st in Wisconsin Dells.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was spotted driving his brand new, 5 ton, Mercedes-Benz U1300 Unimog.  It's a vehicle that's listed at $250,000 and gets 12 miles per gallon.  Arnold really wanted to take his M1 Abrams tank out to lunch but that thing is a bitch to park and most valets don't know how to drive tank.  Also, sorry about the small penis, Arnold.

At first I thought this was a promotional poster for a new Wuzzles or Oogieloves movie.  This is actually a poster of the new "cast" of American Idol season 472.  From left...Mariah Carey, Keith Urban, Ryan Seacret, Nicki Minaj, and Randy Jackson.  I don't know why but Randy Jackson looks out of place and it's like he just rolled his chair to the desk and pushed his way into the photo because what else is he going to do?  TMZ is reporting that after about 30 seconds of being judges, Mariah Carey hated Nicki Minaj and Nicki Minaj hated Mariah Carey.  Sources are saying that when Nicki tries to be critical during the auditions Mariah Carey talks her down and disagrees on everything.  They end up talking louder and louder trying to talk over each other.  I guess American Idol will be having a costume competition because that's the only thing I could see Nicki Minaj judging on a nationally televised karaoke competition.  It will just be those two catty chicks trying to talk over each other.  I'm not sure why they don't move this show to VH1 or Bravo.

This is Alison Pill.  Oh you don't know Alison Pill?  Neither did I until a few weeks ago drunkenly posted this photo on Twitter.  She's probably best known for her roles in Midnight in Paris, Milk, Scott Pilgrim versus the World, and Newsroom.  A friend said she sent the photo during Fashion Week and it was because she was really drunk and was farting while models walked down the aisle.  How awesome is that?  I would've loved to see a model walk by Alison hear her rip a big fart to break the model's concentration.  So when she posted this photo she only had 13,000 followers on Twitter.  Now she has 31,000 followers.  I guess this means nudity pays or maybe people are huge fans of her work on Newsroom.  I hear it's a pretty good show.  Nudity pays...not for me.  I posted nude pics of myself on Tumblr and didn't get any increase in followers.  Sigh.  I am so ugly and not a female.

This is Alessandra Ambrosio.  She had a baby back in May and she's been working so hard to lose the baby weight.  As you can see from her midsection she has months of work left to do.  I bet she ate a cookie sometime back in August.  Such a shame.  Man...seriously...I wonder if she put on any weight during her pregnancy.  Weight Watchers should've hired her instead of Jessica Simpson.

Adriane Curry recycled her Dark Lily costume for Comikaze this week in L.A.  She also recycled her old Playboy shoot by selling autographed copies to all the people looking at comic books.  Apparently people wearing capes will buy anything.  That pretty much explains Hot Topic.

Back in 2007, when Paris Hilton was more relevant, she made anti-gay slurs and racist comments in a video of her partying at a club.  She referred to herself and her sister Nicki as "like two niggers".  I guess Paris didn't realize that videos provide a permanent record.  She apologized and learned her lesson...for 5 years.  This week a video surfaced on Radar in which Paris makes disparaging comments about homosexuals.  She was in a cab in New York City for Fashion Week.  Paris was with a friend who is openly gay and the driver had his in-car recorder taping.  The gay friend was talking about a phone app called Grindr and he described it as an app for gay guys looking for other guys to screw.  Paris then said, "Ewww. Eww. To get fuckked? Gay guys are the horniest people in the world.  They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS.  I would be so scared if I were a gay guy.  You'll like, die of AIDS."  Considering that the only people who like Paris Hilton anymore this will make things at the clubs quite awkward.  "Hey Sparkle, can you rub your hands with this sanitizer and then pour me a drink? And then rub your hands with this sanitizer again and lead me to the bathroom. Thanks hon. Don't you go dying on me now!"  Paris' publicist tried to spin what she said: "Paris Hilton's comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease. The conversation became heated, after a close gay friend told her in a cab ride, a story about a gay man who has AIDS and is knowingly having unprotected sex. He also discussed a website that encourages random sex by gay men with strangers. As she was being shown the website her comments were in reference to those people promoting themselves on the site. The cab driver who recorded this, only provided a portion of the conversation. It was not her intent to make any derogatory comments about all gays. Paris Hilton is a huge supporter of the gay community and would never purposefully make any negative statements about anyone's sexual orientation."  Okay, so gays aren't disgusting, just horny gays with AIDS are disgusting. This changes EVERYTHING!  Paris did issue an apology and explained pretty much everything the publicist said.  It's a good thing she apologized otherwise Chick-Fil-A would've made her their new spokesperson.  Oh that's too bad, Paris could've had an actual job.  Paris also tried to renew a new feud during Fashion Week.  Lindsay Lohan showed up at Lady Gaga's party and Paris Hilton flipped that she was there.  Paris wanted to leave but people at the party calmed her down and tried to get the two together for a photo but they refused.  You know Paris is desperate for attention when she takes on Lindsay Lohan.  Paris, do you know what Lindsay does to people she doesn't like?  The same thing she does to cocaine and Red Bull...she devours them.  If you fight her, Lindsay will be playing the role of Nazi Germany and you'll be 1939 France.  Speaking of chicken shit, it's ironic that you're named Paris because you're going to get your ass kicked unless you surrender immediately.

You know, Lindsay Lohan doesn't look that bad in these promo shots for the Elizabeth Taylor movie.  I wish she cleaned herself up and looked like this more often but that whole, "I don't drink anymore because I have a problem" thing was bullshit because Lindsay is back to her partying ways.  She got drunk at her mother Dina's 50th birthday party.  And of course, Dina Lohan is in denial: "I'm certainly not making excuses for Lindsay's behavior. But she's a 26-year-old woman. Some people who want to quit drinking do it cold turkey and some do it gradually -- you want to keep a balance. I don't know what's a right way or a wrong way."  Oh yeah, Dina and Lindsay getting sloppy drunk together at a bar isn't something that needs to be reported because it's an every day occurrence.  However the two of them going down on a cab driver so they don't have to pay the cab fare because they don't have any money tickles my funny bone because it has probably happened.  Well Lindsay should give more cranky yankies to cab drivers because she was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident in Manhattan after allegedly clipping a pedestrian.  Lindsay clipped the guy and then went to a hotel and when she came out an hour later she was arrested by police.  Lindsay claims that she had no clue that she hit anyone and she claims it's fishy because the man had no visible injuries.  Oh, of course. It was a setup. That's what happened. The NYPD secretly gave her car artificial intelligence while Lindsay was sleeping, so it could hit pedestrians without her knowledge. It should be obvious to everyone that members of the Nickelodeon Brotherhood have infiltrated the highest levels of the New York government. What is Obama doing about this?  What will Romney do about this when he wins? 

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!  I was going to post Lindsay's rap sheet and how she got off easy for all her charges but this post is long enough as is.  Amanda Bynes got a DUI, been charged with two-hit-runs, and had her car impounded for driving on a suspended license. Compared to Lindsay, she should be elected Mayor and given a copy of everybody's car keys.Former Nickelodeon star Danny Tamberelli spoke out about Lohan's tweets: "Given her own history with the law, it’s absurd that [Lindsay] would be so quick to judge another young woman under this kind of public scrutiny.  Nickelodeon was nothing short of amazing to work for and they had their watchful eye on us all. They took care of us and tried not to let us go down the wrong path."  Even though Danny no longer has contact with Bynes he wishes her the best and hopes she can find the help she needs.  See, Amanda, you don't need to go to Obama, go to your former co-stars.  It's sort of sad that my Facebook friend, Danny Tamberelli, is the voice of reason here.

Apparently Amanda Bynes thought that having your driver's license suspended meant you can still drive around.  She was pulled over when police ran her license and found that it was suspended.  She was issued a ticket and had her car impounded.  The police noticed her because of her behavior but they wouldn't specify.  She was driving aimlessly back and forth through the valet area of the Burbank airport and then she left the airport.  People think that she uses her car to smoke weed while she drives and this explains why she's turned it into a bumper car.  Well Amanda may not be on drugs but may just be crazy.  People at her gym have numerous stories of her erratic behavior.  One person said they witnessed Amanda making compliments about herself and answering questions she asked herself.  Other people say that while Amanda works on the elliptical machine she begins laughing hysterically for no reason throughout her workout.  Another person has witnessed Amanda having conversations with inanimate objects.  Another incident occurred later this week.  Amanda attended a 50 minute spinning class.  After a few minutes of spinning, Amanda got off her bike, walked around the room aimlessly and switched bikes.  Before she started cycling again, Amanda took off her shirt to reveal that she was wearing just a black strapless bra that wasn't a sports bra.  After 25 minutes, Amanda got off her new bike and pulled out her Louis Vuitton bag and began to reapply her make-up.  After ten minutes of the make-up work, the instructor yelled at her to get out.  In Amanda's defense, she wouldn't have started applying her makeup during class if that bitch instructor didn't keep shapeshifting into Lori Beth Denberg.  In an interview with People, Amanda said this: "I'm doing amazing. I am retired as an actor. I am moving to New York to launch my career. I am going to do a fashion line. I am not talking about being arrested for DUI because I don't drink, and I don't drink and drive. It is all false."  I'm guessing "amazing" is the name for a new drug that is weed cut with bath salts, LSD, and crystal meth.  Later in the week, Amanda was caught attempting shoplifting.  I guess she isn't your average run of the mill fuck up.  She was shopping at a boutique in Hollywood called Kin.  Amanda took some clothes inside a changing room and locked herself inside for nearly two hours.  The clerks then heard a banging sound coming from the dressing room every ten minutes or so and when they'd ask if Amanda needed assistance she'd yell, "I need more time."  Amanda finally came out and bought a pair of stilettos, sunglasses, and a few other items.  As she was leaving, Amanda noticed she was wearing a bikini top that she had not purchased.   She then paid for the top.  Who tries to steal a $40 bikini?  Clearly she's insane.  At least when Lindsay Lohan goes shoplifting, she steals things she can leave to her grandchildren in 40 years. "Gather 'round children so grandma can tell you a story about how I got 24k gold coke mirror out of a party by stashing up my cooch."  And much like a Republican running for Senate in a swing state, Amanda Bynes' entire team has jumped ship leaving the actress/stunt car driver to fend for herself on Crazy Ocean.  In the past couple of weeks, her agent, publicist, and entertainment lawyers have dropped her as a client.  Sources say she was a dream client up until 12 months ago and that they haven't been able to get into contact with her for the past month.  All of them tried to help her but she remained silent and didn't answer or return any calls or make any visits.  When the person you're associated with or the person you work for starts saying and doing insane things on camera then defends those insane things and thinks they don't have a problem, it might be time to cut all ties with that person for the sake of your own career.  Amanda is on a downward spiral of crazy and will soon be putting dead birds in people's mailboxes so they can go to Heaven or whatever batshit crazy people do.  But seriously, is anyone else scared?  OK we need to get Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes to fight at the next Wrestlemania and only one of them can leave the ring alive.

Have a great weekend

I figure I just do these posts together so everyone is happy or whatever.  I made more wine tonight.  I'm manic.  I've got it down to an art form.  I think this batch took me about 15 minutes to make.  I hope it tastes better.  I already have the name picked out for my products.  It's a play on my name.  I think I'm dying or I just have really bad arthritis.  I watched part of Groundhog Day on AMC with the Story Mode thing.  My cousin was an extra in the movie because it was filmed a few blocks from where she lived at the time.  Anyway, for those of you who like the links, they're first and for the rest of you the tattoos are at the bottom.

5.  If you know me and I think a few of you do, you may know I enjoy the comics.  I know a couple of you appreciated the comic book post I did a while back.  Anyway here are some comic book superhero storylines that are left out of the movies.  You know, I wonder what the reaction would be if they did the Spiderman story.

11.  Have you ever found yourself talking to a cowboy and had no clue what they were saying?  Well here's a handy cowboy dictionary, partners.

8.  This site is interesting.  It's called Make Love Not Porn and it's trying to discuss the misconceptions that people have about sex due to watching porn.  Hmmm that reminds me of a post I once did that maybe I should dig up.

12.  Some of you may think all Tumblr is is people sharing photos of cats, Obama, and porn.  Well it's not.  There is also some good historical content.  This is one of my favorite sites called the LBJ Time Machine.  It features a lot of things from his presidency.

1.  Here's another history site on Tumblr called Our Presidents and usually features content related to the particular day in history.

3.  A while back I shared a site where you could upload your photo to make an old timey mugshot.  Well someone on Tumblr took that site and used it to make a lot of celebrity mugshots in the style of 1920s mugshots.  The site is called Mugshot Doppelganger.  The first one is so creepy.

4.  A while back I shared a link about a business in a town in Minnesota that let you drive around in a military tank and fire a machine gun.  Well I've found another business in Minnesota that allows you to fulfill a military dream.  It recreates Operation Geronimo, the Navy SEAL mission that took out Bin Laden.  For $325 a person you can find out what it would've been like to kill Osama.

6.  A while back a famous director, Tony Scott, killed himself.  It was a pretty shocking suicide.  Hollywood has been filled with quite a few shocking suicides.  Here's a list of 12.

2.  I heard about this restaurant called Conflict Kitchen.  It has somewhat of an interesting theme.  They serve the food of the people the United States is currently in conflict.   With all these political ads demonizing the Chinese, I wonder how much longer it will be before they start serving egg rolls.

10.  The N.Y. Times put a game on their website to simulate how well people can multitask behind the wheel.  It's pretty difficult.  I can no longer make phone calls while driving.  I have to pull off the road and put my car in park to place a call.  Maybe I'm getting older.  Anyway...try Gauging Your Distraction.

9.  I found this fun list on MSN featuring the best TV spin-offs.

7.  I love this list from Mental Floss of regional words that should be used all over America.  That list is a whoopensocker.  I'm thinking of having wapatuli at my wine unveiling party.

This may be the creepiest tattoo but I think it would've been better on a woman's stomach.

He is the monster that hides underneath your bed at night either that or he REALLY LOVES energy drinks.

If you say so.  I guess the Grand Canyon is a natural beauty so yeah.

Well thank you for the application, we aren't currently hiring, but we'll keep it on file and call you if anything opens up.

I wonder if that tattoo raised his cholesterol.

I think I need to perform an exorcism or at least try to appease that demon.

This is a librarian who combined her love of reading, the Dewey Decimal system, and Harry Potter all in one tattoo.  That is the Dewey Decimal number for the Harry Potter books. 

That is a Dewey Decimal tattoo and the number is the Dewey Decimal number for books on operating libraries for children.

These librarians are going wild with their reading tattoos.

I don't want to read if it means having needles stuck in me.

This may be the best Dimebag Darrell tattoo I've ever seen but then it may be the first Dimebag Darrell tattoo I've ever seen.  Still it's an amazing portrait. 

I wonder if Captain America doesn't care about a certain percentage of Americans.  I bet he doesn't because Captain America loves all Americans.

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a leg tattoo can do...yeah it wasn't a good attempt sort of like this.  I thought I was looking at an inkblot test.

Wait, anchors make you sink so I don't think you can refuse it.

This tattoo is full of win...Winsconsin.  We drink a lot here.  There was a guy in my town that got busted for his 12th DWI.

Have a great night!

There’s a huge difference between racism and dinosaurs which is probably why they never get confused for each other…not even on Xanga.

I was in Dunkin Donuts and ordered a cream filled donut.  The cashier handed it to me and I said, “This donut is going to go straight to my thighs.”  I then took it and smashed it against my side and the cream filling went everywhere. Oh yeah, it’s called a “donut” not a “doughnut” so why don’t you take your fancy-pants middle school education somewhere else because the people here at Dunkin Donuts don’t want your high falluting attitude regarding spelling.

I sort of get the feeling that Tim Burton would remake one of his own movies.

I would never cheat in a relationship because that would mean two people would have to find me attractive.

Rihanna got an underboob tattoo in honor of her grandmother.  It’s just like the one I got to commemorate the cancellation of ALF, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, and Cop Rock.

I think coming out as Republican is one of the hardest things people face these days.

So she lied about her sexuality and voting for Romney?  I don’t think this Nicki Miraj can be trusted.

Sometimes I wonder if Maury is really the father.

I yell “No Homo” quite a bit ever since I bought a dog and named him “Homo”.  I frequently yell “No Homo!  You pissed on me!”

Whenever Eminem raps it sounds like when my mom or dad talks to a telemarketer calling from India.

I think I should stop making forever alone jokes because I figure the more I make the more likely it is that I’ll die alone with my cats and Nutella.  And as much as I worry about dying alone, I’m not going to marry out of fear for being alone.  That’s sort of like amputating your arm because you’re fearful of future mosquito bites.

I bet Obama and Romney are happy that the new iPhone doesn’t have the rumored Bullshit Detector app.

I am working with a pharmaceutical company to help with all the rise of arthritis cases in China.  We’re working on a new children’s chewable arthritis pill.

I’ve heard a rumor that guys still wear earrings

They often say that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks.  Well people who live in glass houses shouldn’t do a lot of things like walk around naked or live in glass houses because I bet it gets really hot in a glass house.

I was watching the American Bible Challenge and they had Jeff Foxworthy as the host.  That made a Lot of sense. HAHAHAHA…LOT is a person’s name not an indicator of an amount!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I often tell children that the proper way to do math is to write out the problems and then cry because you don’t understand it and make sure to show your work.

I’m pretty sure gay marriage will take a long time to be accepted because there are people still against biracial marriage and to prove it they won’t even eat Ding Dongs or drink chocolate milk.

My life jacket is so huge, I literally swim in it.

I’m watching ESPN’s college football coverage and they hav eLou Holtz giving some pep talk to some team he doesn’t coach.  I feel bad for him because he’s elderly and the ESPN producers probably convinced him that he’s coaching again.  I’m surprised ESPN hasn’t come up with an app that translates what Holtz says.  He sounds like what I’d imagine a talking dog with peanut butter stuck on the roof of its mouth sounds like.  Holtz sounds like a drunk dishwasher.

If they make a movie about Twitter it has to have 140characters or less.

I was so confused about all this protesting over Muhammad.  Sure, Will Smith’s portrayal of Ali wasn’t the best but it was nowhere near as bad as his character in Wild Wild West.  And if you’re talking about Hitch then you better hand me something to riot with.

There are two type of people in the world, those who will quote Monty Python with me in the break room and those people who have active sex lives.

Pick-up line destined to fail: Girl, if your pants were a.rar file I would unzip them.

Do people commonly use lawn flamingos as beer bongs or are Wisconsinites just that hardcore?

I’ve been on the internet for quite a while and I see the term “gpoy” thrown around quite a bit.  I have no clue what this stands for and the only thing that comes to mind doesn’t make sense.  Why would a girl post a photo of herself and then write “gpoy” which obviously stands for “girls pee on you”?  Oh wait a second.

When someone dumps you these days you should do what any respectable person would do and post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and a local news anchor will pronounce Hispanic names with a fake accent.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

This week Mitt Romney was shocked to learn that people don’t use real money when playing Monopoly. When told by John Kerry, Romney’s monocle fell out into his goblet of wine.

I’m pretty sure my life is becoming an unfunny version of Groundhog’s Day.

It scares me that if you Google “Where am I”, Google will tell you your location.  It also scares me that people would have to ask Google where they are located.

Have you ever been in a group of people that had known each other for such a long time that when you let out a silent fart they knew it was you because they knew each other so well that they knew the scent of each other’s farts?

I thought it was pretty cool that I found a newspaper that my dad had kept from the day I was born but my joy was short lived because he told me he has just been stuck on the crossword puzzle for all these years.

Have you ever went to McDonald’s or Chik-Fil-A and used their free wifi to download shemale porn? They aren’t loving it and they will throw Bibles at you.

It seems like every woman considers her husband to be a moron.  It’s true.  Married men are stupid.  Smart men remain single.

I don’t know how many college girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I’m pretty sure they’d post photos of them changing the bulb on Facebook.

They often say that you can tell how good a person will be in bed after ten seconds.  It’s just a shame that all the girls I’ll be with will never get to truly know how good I am at sex because I’m done before 10 seconds is up.

I’ve found that the best way to get high for free is to tell pot smokers that you’ve never tried pot before.

Has there ever been a sane person that has been impressed by the amount of bass coming from a car?

I’ve found a cool alternative to making my own pizza.  I buy one that’s already made.

I hear people talking about having a bad hair day.  Does that include armpits, legs, and pubes?  Or is it just the head?  Oh it’s just the head.  Not so bad, is it?

Every time I see someone with keys on a lanyard around their neck or keys on a belt loop I automatically assume they’re a janitor and I ask them to clean up a mess.

I got a friend a pretty cool birthday present.  I got an empty refrigerator box and wrapped it with paper.  When he opened it and there was nothing inside I screamed, “Oh shit! The ninja got out!”

I was sort of shocked Hollywood made the Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter movie and they rejected my script titled James K. Polk: Karate Champion.

I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise.

I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back:“No matches found.  Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”

If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

“I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons

What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

Hey, want to hear a good Xanga joke?  Too bad, some people would be sure to take it serious and get offended and rate my site EX.

Today is national kiss day. You can kiss my ass by recommending this post.