September 5, 2012

• Motivation

  My mom said she got new luggage.  I started crying.  She asked me why I was crying.  I said, Oh I’m just case sensitive.”

  I was talking about my old fashioned phones and my little cousin asked if a rotisserie phone was had to use.  I said, “Oh yeah, a phone covered in sauces and spices roasting over a heat source, it was extremely difficult to place calls, shithead.”

  Changing your facebook middle name to “Danger” is a shining example of originality.  But on a serious note, I do know a kid whose middle name is “Danger”.

  I think my kindness is about as convincing as Homer Simpson’s combover.

  I miss the days when a guy had to ask a girl’s parents if he could take her out, where a girl could be beautiful wearing a skirt below the knees, when the bubonic plague decimated villages throughout Europe and left a third of the population dead. Recommend this post if you agree.

  I have said that people who don’t like macaroni and cheese should burn in the fiery pits of hell but when I tell girls that I don’t like the bun hairstyle that suddenly makes me an oppressor of women whose penis should be cut off.

  I think the most useless comment a person could make is “It looks like it’s going to rain.”  If there’s a big black cloud in the sky what else do you think it’s going to do, molest your pets?  Steal all the food from your cupboards?  Finish your math homework?  Program your VCR?  It’s going to produce precipitation of some sort and it’s nothing noteworthy.

  America is the only country in the world where pizza is considered a vegetable and women are considered pregnant 2 weeks before conception.

  Rush Limbaugh blaming Barack Obama for the weather is about as stupid as Rush Limbaugh.

  Everyone talks about how they have near-death experiences they see a light and go to Heaven.  I had that once but I went to Hell.  It was pretty interesting.  You get to watch TV in Hell but the only channel is PBS and there’s an image of Madonna’s boob, Michael Jackson’s penis, Sarah Jessica Parker’s hands, and Terry Bradshaw’s ass burned into every corner of the screen.

  Do you remember Rebecca Black?  The punchline here is you now have “Friday”stuck in your head.

  I was listening to a Skrillex CD for about an hour and thought it was awfully repetitive but then I realized it was skipping on the first track.

  Jersey Shore was canceled which was clearly an act of God.  Ball’s in your court now, atheists.

  Is it normal for one of your testicles to be larger than the other two?

  I always got so hungry when I was in Earth Science class because the teacher always made the Earth sound like a dessert when he talked about the earth having a solid center with hot layers and a thin crust.

  I had my MP3 player on shuffle and it went from a Tori Amos song to a Macho Man Randy Savage song.  I think this is telling me that my spirit animal is a sheep that likes to do flying elbows off the top rope.

  Have you ever noticed that when you get older you enjoy things you hated as a kid such as naps and being spanked?

  Why do people brag about not reading?  That goes to show that you just have asillinggolinagollingbeenman…just to see if anyone is reading.  But seriously do you want people thinking you’re a dullard because you think it’s cool not to read?

  Have you ever had to tell someone “shut up” and then they replied “make me” and you were tempted to shove your dick down their throat?

  “I love Big Macs and I will eat them all the time.  I don’t give a McFuck.”  -The guy from Wisconsin that’s averaged eating two BigMacs a day since 1972.  The first day he had a Big Mac he enjoyed it so much he ate 8 others.  Don Gorske is a legend.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I think it’s funny how much credit the Republicans give President Obama.  They make it seem like he has invisibility and he controls the weather.  Maybe there is a reason why he’s appeared in a couple of comic books.  I’m not even going to comment on Clint Eastwood because that was just so weird but then maybe he’s auditioning for a remake of Harvey.  Oh wait I will comment, he used a line from one of his movies.  That’s so cool and is so original just like how Arnold Schwarzenegger did it in every single one of his speeches for eight years.  When Mitt Romney came out to make his speech I’m surprised his entrance music wasn’t “Bitch Betta Have My Money”.  If that happened he would’ve won my vote.  I sometimes question Mitt Romney based on his hair.  Someone who has had that much supposed responsibility should have more grey hair. Hell, I have more grey hair than he does and basically all my responsibilities are making sure I wipe my ass every morning and cleaning out the cats’ litter box.  Have you ever noticed that his eyebrows never match his emotions?  It’s like he’s a broken Muppet.  Seriously they need to synch up his eyebrows with the rest of his software.  I’m also trying to figure out why American politicians still show concern for Fidel Castro and his “tyranny”.  He’s outlasted every U.S. president since Eisenhower.  I think he won.  If we are open to diplomacy with the Taliban I’m pretty sure we can be open to diplomacy with the Cubans and an 86 year old man who isn’t in power.  Maybe next he should start talking about how evil that Gaddafhi guy is and how he’s a mad dog and then end it with “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall.”  I don’t get why he’s hitting Obama’s foreign policy on Cuba.  He should attack Obama for sitting on his hands with Syria, Egypt, Tunisia,and Libya.  Did you notice that every single speech at the RNC has an underlying message of  “Hey it’s cool we elected a black guy as president but now that the novelty has worn off…”.  If you don’t believe me go back and watch the speeches and find where they talk about the excitement of electing Obama and replace it with gimmick or experiment. Why is the crowd chanting “USA USA USA”? Is Romney squaring off against The Iron Shiek and Nicolai Volkoff?  Stop chanting “USA USA USA”.  The people on the other side are also Americans.  I keep wondering why Romney skips over Mormonism when in the last election everyone made such a big deal about Obama’s belief system.  Romney listed all these influential Republican women and he didn’t mention Sarah Palin.  My my my, how the mediocre have fallen.  Romney says he has a 5 step plan to create 12million jobs.  I have a one step plan to create 12 million jobs; execute 12 million working Americans.  I’m looking at you Texas. Romney says how he plans to honor the institution of marriage and then the camera cut to Newt Gingrich.  No way that could have been intentional.  Is he going to uphold the institution of marriage based on what Americans have made it or what the Bible made it?  If he’s going the Biblical route I will vote for him so I can have 70 wives.  I know I’ve watched too much wrestling when I hope Mitt Romney pulls out a steel chair and hits Paul Ryan upside the head and then tears off his shirt to reveal he’s wearing an Obama shirt underneath and then starts screaming, “Yay abortions! Yay for gay people!”  Then Jim Ross announces, “Good gawd!  Mitt Romney’s causing a slobberknocker and he’s turned his back on the people!”  OK I really shouldn't have open this document when I’m watching the RNC.

  You can be religious and still be a shitty person.  You can be an atheist and still be a shitty person.  It doesn’t matter what religion you do or don’t follow, if you are a shitty person that shittiness will shine through everything.  Or maybe that should be “brown through everything”.  So basically a Christian and an atheist walk into a bar and enjoy a drink and each other's company because they are not pretentious assholes.

  Why aren’t pro-lifers trying to ban vasectomies?  That makes more sense than all the bans on birth control because it's basically the ultimate form of birth control.

  Some day I hope the good people at Trojan Condoms buy the naming rights to a baseball or football stadium.  Couldn’t you hear the announcers, “Welcome to the safe and snug confines of Trojan Condom field, a field where the home team isn’t guaranteed to let the other team score.”

  Pick-up line guaranteed for failure:  Hey, baby, are you a scientist?  I want to do you on a table periodically.

  I think you should send me some nude pics so I can tell you how disappointed your parents will be.

  I have genuinely felt that the more you read the better you write unless you’re reading Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey and The Hunger Games and basically most “literature” geared toward teens.

  Given how politically correct we are becoming, it’s only a matter of time that making fun of someone for being stupid will be called intelligence shaming.

  I was thinking of making a new Xanga account but SwedishMadePenisLengtheningPumps is not a valid username.

  I’m pretty sure Xanga has made me a more open-minded person and at the same time a more judgmental person.

  I’m not always sure what we accomplish on Xanga except angering others or making me feel stupid.

  Some of the filthiest Xangans are also some of the nicest.  That’s a plug for you to think I’m nice and not your average run of the mill asshole.

  You don’t have to like me here at Xanga.  I’m on your computer screen and not in your life unless you consider Xanga to be your life. If that’s the case, you have major problems.

  I was planning on putting random songs in here but Xanga audio rarely works anymore so you have to imagine songs playing.

  • 9:52 PM
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