September 12, 2012

• Motivation

  Is it possible to even satisfy a movie critic?  Nothing is good enough for them.  I’d hate being married to one of those critics.  “You’re love making was shallow and pedantic.”  I don’t even know what that means.

  “Don’t Stop Believing” was a great song but then it was covered on Glee.

  The word “phonetically” doesn’t even begin with an “f”.  This is why alien life forms don’t bother with us.

  I called a girl a redhead and she got offended by that.  I guess I should’ve handled the situation more gingerly.

  I’m thinking at this point a woman could seduce me with a slice of pizza and a crumpled up five dollar bill.

  Ann Romney is out on the campaign trail and each stop she wows the crowd by showing how many push-ups her chauffeur can do.

  I applaud internet users because let’s face it, the internet is a dangerous place.  My mom almost died using the internet.

  I love how Julian Castro is on the verge of tears in his speech and then they do a splitscreen with his daughter in the other box and she’s playing with her hair and biting her lips.  Once again proving kids don’t give a rat’s ass about politics.  Just like so many voting aged Americans.  He strikes me as the type of guy that cries uncontrollably when the shower doesn’t warm up fast enough or he colors outside the lines.  Did anyone else find it ironic that two new feminist icons spoke before Bill Clinton at the DNC?  I do love the fact that when Fleetwood Mac plays at a political event you can expect Clinton to appear but I still think he should use Shawn Michaels’ WWF entrance music and you thought I was only going to use the comparison to wrestling in my last convention liveblog.  They showed Chelsea. Damn, it’s hard not to be sexist when she’s so fucking hot.  I used to have dreams of being the boyfriend and being called the first boyfriend and after banging Chelsea they’d ask me if we should bomb countries like France or China.  Clinton has lost a lot of weight.  I sort of miss the Clinton that Phil Hartman played but not as much as I miss Phil Hartman.  When Clinton said, “I’m going to nominate a president and I have one in mind…”  I thought he had three in mind and two of them were named “Clinton”.  I thought I was going to be smartassed with this but I love Bill Clinton.  He has away of talking that makes you feel important and that he’s speaking directly to you.  It’s like he’s family.  He’s so natural and I want a repeal of the 22^ndAmendment.  When Bill Clinton said that line about Obama having the good sense to marry Michelle, he revealed his hand and like many men in America said they want to bang the first lady.  I think Clinton lied when he said he didn’t hate the people on the right.  I bet he hated the shit out of those peoplewho targeted him because he got his willy slicked.  When Clinton started talking about Hillary I was thinking he’d nominate her for a second.  Why didn’t the RNC have either of the Bushes speak?  I look at the crowd and see all the delegates with their stupid hats nodding along and have no cluea s to the impact of what is being said especially when Bill gave props to W.Bush.  They remind me of dullards who listen to music and only hear the beat without realizing there’s lyrics.  I’ve always wondered how Germans could blindly follow Hitler and after hearing Clintons peak, I sort of get how that happened.  I think he’s the only person I could blindly follow.  I’m wondering if he’s actually using a teleprompter or just freestyling it and then he says, “That takes a lot of brass”.  It almost sounded like he stopped himself from saying “balls”.  The crowd is chanting “Four more years, four more years”.  Yeah, but for who, Clinton or Obama?  The 22^nd Amendment was put in place because FDR had such lengthy terms and was so bad for our country.  Repeal it so we can bring back Bill who basically only served a term and a half. It was sort of cool to see John Kerry take time off from being on the$20 to speak at the DNC.  Everyone gives Mitt Romney shit for being rich but conveniently forget that John Kerry makes Mitt Romney look like he’s barely making ends meet.  So help me if John Kerry says he’s “reporting for duty” like he did at the 2004DNC I will vote for Mitt Romney. Remember John Edwards?  That guy turned out to be a bright shining star of the Democrat Party.  Kerry gave a weird speech but not Clint Eastwood weird.  It’s like he showed up in the middle of the speech.  Kerry hasit backwards, your human form isn’t supposed to look like a sculpture on Mount Rushmore and by that I’m saying he’s a fucking rock-headed bore.  He brings up bin Laden,if I was Obama I’d show up to every campaign stop with a photo of bin Laden’s carcass.  Kerry said that the Romney/Ryan ticket has the least foreign policy experience in decades or at least since that goofy Kerry/Edwards ticket.  John Kerry accused Mitt Romney of being a flip-flopper.  Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle “John Kerry”?  Jesus Christ I can’t believe I voted for this guy.  He spoke for 13 minutes without saying a thing.  This has won the biggest waste of my life award.  I bet Joe Biden got in a fight with the person running the music because he wanted them to play “Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix. I bet he also wanted to come out in aviator sunglasses and a Marlboro windbreaker.  You can disagree all you want about the politics and his gaffes but Biden is a legitimately likable guy.  He immediately mentions his wife.  Yep, he knows where his bread is buttered.  Biden has qualities of Clinton in his folksy delivery.  He said he asked his wife to marry him five times.  How can you say no to Joe?  Oh shit, I think I just came up with a potential 2016 campaign slogan.  Biden has to be one of the better vice presidents in our history, maybe #2 right behind Al Gore.  Speaking of Al Gore,where the hell is he?  It’s like Gore,Jimmy Carter, and John Edwards have had their Democrat privileges revoked.  Maybe Al is just too busy getting massages,running his network, or making PowerPoint shows.  Biden asked if Jennifer Granholm was great.  No, she came off as a lunatic and I should throw another shout-out to Al Gore, she’s got a show on his TV network.  I have to give props to Biden for hushing the crowd when they booed Mitt Romney and saying, “He’s not a bad guy.”  Michelle Obama introduces the president as the love of her life and the father of her two children.  If I was a writer for WWF I’d bring out Joe Lieberman instead of the president.  That would create instant heat and then Obama could come out and give Lieberman a tombstone piledriver called the Economic Plunge.  Holy shit, Malia Obama is almost as tall as her parents.  Are they feeding her steroids?  I’m thinking Obama is dying his hair with Just for Men to touch up all the grey hair.  Obama should’ve come out to “Big Pimpin’” by Jay-Z instead of that song by U2 although it’s fitting since O’Bama is Irish.  After watching Bill Clinton and Joe Biden,the president’s speech is nowhere near as good. I still can’t believe that the president has to talk about people who think that climate change is a hoax. People are retarded and I’m not being politically incorrect.  There are a great deal of people that need to wear helmets with flashlights on top that need to be bullied incessantly.  Don’t like, block me and do not ever return to my site.  Even as a Christian I see the earth changing because mankind has to be stewards of this earth that was a gift from good and with all out pollution we are abusing that gift.  Sure it may not be as bad as what people are forecasting but Christians have to admit that the earth has changed and by allowing all this pollution to continue is sinful and not keeping in line with God’s commands of being good stewards with the gifts he’s given us.  Don’t like that I’m religions, block me and never return to my site.  I know Obama has respect for Clint Eastwood but it would be funny for him to set up a chair and then kick it over and say, “What’s up now, Million Dollar Baby?”  “Times have changed and so have I.  I’m no longer just a candidate.  I’m the President.”  If ever a phrase in a speech needed the term“motherfucker” at the end it was right there. How many white folks across the country would’ve shit their pants if he said that?  “I’ve never been more hopeful about America…I’m hopeful because of you.”  He really doesn’t get out that often to meet average Americans, does he?

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Have you ever thought about the future and the future of long distance relationships?  It’ll be like, “Oh man, I met this cool girl on the internet but she’s from Neptune.”

  Are you imaging dildos being thrown at your head?  Well you are now.
  

  It would be nice if a stray dog running into my yard to hump my leg while picking apples wasn’t the only action I get.
  

  If porn stars have blogs and then write risqué things and post pornographic photos, do they label their posts NSFW or would they be actually SFW?
  

  I don’t think vegans are allowed to masturbate because that would be beating and enjoying the meat.
  

  I really would like a milkshake but I don’t think I could handle my backyard being filled with girls this late at night.

  CNN had an article titled, “MTV Explains Why It Canceled Jersey Shore”.  I could give you the answer without reading the article; the monthly Valtrex bill was too damn high.

  I was watching the American Bible Challenge.  I got thinking.  Can anyone be on this show or just Christians?  I’d sort of like to see a group of Christians battling it out over Bible trivia with a group of atheists and a group of Muslims.

  I don’t think that people who claim to be bisexual just to get attention realize they are trivializing an identity.  Nicki Minaj must be stopped.

  I’ve heard people claim they don’t see race, gender, height,or weight when they look at people.  So what do they see, featureless grey blobs?

  On the first day of school I made kids memorize the “born in shadows” speech Bane made in The Dark Knight Rises just in case the power ever went off in school so then they wouldn’t be afraid.

  I think the reason there are so many undecided voters is because they are waiting for Romney and Obama to unveil their awesome sword collections.

  I don’t know why but Mitt Romney always looks like the president that needs to be rescued in an action movie.

  I bought a box of Kashi Go Lean cereal the other week and I just finished it and the prize at the bottom of the box was a pair of cut-off hemp shorts.

  If opinions are like assholes and everyone has an asshole then a lot of opinions are wearing Ed Hardy.

  I think I will vote for whichever candidate outlaws smartphones or makes iPhone users change their ringtone.

  It’s so weird that our country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.

  I’ve been thinking that if I get married will I invite all my Xanga friends to the wedding.  Then if I did I wonder if they will be there on their laptops or smartphones blogging about the whole thing and stirring up drama along the way.  “There’s no way the godfather should be wearing white.”

  • 11:29 PM
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