September 19, 2012

• Motivation

  There’s a huge difference between racism and dinosaurs which is probably why they never get confused for each other…not even on Xanga.

  I was in Dunkin Donuts and ordered a cream filled donut.  The cashier handed it to me and I said, “This donut is going to go straight to my thighs.”  I then took it and smashed it against my side and the cream filling went everywhere. Oh yeah, it’s called a “donut” not a “doughnut” so why don’t you take your fancy-pants middle school education somewhere else because the people here at Dunkin Donuts don’t want your high falluting attitude regarding spelling.

  I sort of get the feeling that Tim Burton would remake one of his own movies.

  I would never cheat in a relationship because that would mean two people would have to find me attractive.

  Rihanna got an underboob tattoo in honor of her grandmother.  It’s just like the one I got to commemorate the cancellation of ALF, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, and Cop Rock.

  I think coming out as Republican is one of the hardest things people face these days.

  So she lied about her sexuality and voting for Romney?  I don’t think this Nicki Miraj can be trusted.

  Sometimes I wonder if Maury is really the father.

  I yell “No Homo” quite a bit ever since I bought a dog and named him “Homo”.  I frequently yell “No Homo!  You pissed on me!”

  Whenever Eminem raps it sounds like when my mom or dad talks to a telemarketer calling from India.

  I think I should stop making forever alone jokes because I figure the more I make the more likely it is that I’ll die alone with my cats and Nutella.  And as much as I worry about dying alone, I’m not going to marry out of fear for being alone.  That’s sort of like amputating your arm because you’re fearful of future mosquito bites.

  I bet Obama and Romney are happy that the new iPhone doesn’t have the rumored Bullshit Detector app.

  I am working with a pharmaceutical company to help with all the rise of arthritis cases in China.  We’re working on a new children’s chewable arthritis pill.

  I’ve heard a rumor that guys still wear earrings

  They often say that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks.  Well people who live in glass houses shouldn’t do a lot of things like walk around naked or live in glass houses because I bet it gets really hot in a glass house.

  I was watching the American Bible Challenge and they had Jeff Foxworthy as the host.  That made a Lot of sense. HAHAHAHA…LOT is a person’s name not an indicator of an amount!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  I often tell children that the proper way to do math is to write out the problems and then cry because you don’t understand it and make sure to show your work.

  I’m pretty sure gay marriage will take a long time to be accepted because there are people still against biracial marriage and to prove it they won’t even eat Ding Dongs or drink chocolate milk.

  My life jacket is so huge, I literally swim in it.

  I’m watching ESPN’s college football coverage and they hav eLou Holtz giving some pep talk to some team he doesn’t coach.  I feel bad for him because he’s elderly and the ESPN producers probably convinced him that he’s coaching again.  I’m surprised ESPN hasn’t come up with an app that translates what Holtz says.  He sounds like what I’d imagine a talking dog with peanut butter stuck on the roof of its mouth sounds like.  Holtz sounds like a drunk dishwasher.

  If they make a movie about Twitter it has to have 140characters or less.

  I was so confused about all this protesting over Muhammad.  Sure, Will Smith’s portrayal of Ali wasn’t the best but it was nowhere near as bad as his character in Wild Wild West.  And if you’re talking about Hitch then you better hand me something to riot with.

  There are two type of people in the world, those who will quote Monty Python with me in the break room and those people who have active sex lives.

  Pick-up line destined to fail: Girl, if your pants were a.rar file I would unzip them.

  Do people commonly use lawn flamingos as beer bongs or are Wisconsinites just that hardcore?

  I’ve been on the internet for quite a while and I see the term “gpoy” thrown around quite a bit.  I have no clue what this stands for and the only thing that comes to mind doesn’t make sense.  Why would a girl post a photo of herself and then write “gpoy” which obviously stands for “girls pee on you”?  Oh wait a second.

  When someone dumps you these days you should do what any respectable person would do and post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

  Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and a local news anchor will pronounce Hispanic names with a fake accent.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  This week Mitt Romney was shocked to learn that people don’t use real money when playing Monopoly. When told by John Kerry, Romney’s monocle fell out into his goblet of wine.

  I’m pretty sure my life is becoming an unfunny version of Groundhog’s Day.

  It scares me that if you Google “Where am I”, Google will tell you your location.  It also scares me that people would have to ask Google where they are located.

  Have you ever been in a group of people that had known each other for such a long time that when you let out a silent fart they knew it was you because they knew each other so well that they knew the scent of each other’s farts?

  I thought it was pretty cool that I found a newspaper that my dad had kept from the day I was born but my joy was short lived because he told me he has just been stuck on the crossword puzzle for all these years.

  Have you ever went to McDonald’s or Chik-Fil-A and used their free wifi to download shemale porn? They aren’t loving it and they will throw Bibles at you.

  It seems like every woman considers her husband to be a moron.  It’s true.  Married men are stupid.  Smart men remain single.

  I don’t know how many college girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I’m pretty sure they’d post photos of them changing the bulb on Facebook.

  They often say that you can tell how good a person will be in bed after ten seconds.  It’s just a shame that all the girls I’ll be with will never get to truly know how good I am at sex because I’m done before 10 seconds is up.

  I’ve found that the best way to get high for free is to tell pot smokers that you’ve never tried pot before.

  Has there ever been a sane person that has been impressed by the amount of bass coming from a car?

  I’ve found a cool alternative to making my own pizza.  I buy one that’s already made.

  I hear people talking about having a bad hair day.  Does that include armpits, legs, and pubes?  Or is it just the head?  Oh it’s just the head.  Not so bad, is it?

  Every time I see someone with keys on a lanyard around their neck or keys on a belt loop I automatically assume they’re a janitor and I ask them to clean up a mess.

  I got a friend a pretty cool birthday present.  I got an empty refrigerator box and wrapped it with paper.  When he opened it and there was nothing inside I screamed, “Oh shit! The ninja got out!”

  I was sort of shocked Hollywood made the Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter movie and they rejected my script titled James K. Polk: Karate Champion.

  I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise.

  I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back:“No matches found.  Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”

  If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.
  

  “I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons
  

  What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?
  

  Hey, want to hear a good Xanga joke?  Too bad, some people would be sure to take it serious and get offended and rate my site EX.
  

  Today is national kiss day. You can kiss my ass by recommending this post.

  • 5:44 PM
  • 24 Comments