September 22, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 9/21/12

  Hey, what do you know, not depressed tonight.  I got a new TV because mine was too old and the company doesn't even exist any more.  My dad didn't have a heart attack and my mom was released from the hospital.  I broke a personal rule tonight and ate spaghetti sauce out of a jar but I have to say that the Prego bacon and provolone sauce may be the best canned sauce I've ever had and I'd be willing to use it again.  Anyway, my life doesn't excite you so here's the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL

  (That means there may be things here that aren't safe for work or for your life.  If you don't like that type of stuff...LEAVE!  NOW!)

  
  Good news, Ted fans.  There will be a sequel.  Now you can revel in jokes recycled from Family Guy.  Universal wants to start production as soon as possible because the first movie grossed over $400million.  There were no other specifics.  I never saw the movie because I figured that I saw the entire thing in previews and gifs on Tumblr.
  
  This is Yunel Escobar.  He plays baseball for the Toronto Blue Jays.  This week he was suspended by Major League Baseball for the writing on his eye black.  In Spanish that translates as "You're a faggot."  I really don't know what people think when they do shit like that.  Did he honestly think that there are white folks that don't speak Spanish?  I should post a link to the story and end with the question, what would you rather see on eye black: gay slurs or Bible verse references?
  
  Do you even know who this is?  He's an Olympian and has won gold medals for the U.S. at the winter Olympics.  He's supposedly one of the most dominant athletes in two sports even though most people don't really consider what he does to be a sport.  It's Shaun White, the Flying Tomato.  He's so dominate in the ESPN created X-Games.  Apparently he was in Nashville and was trying to advance to the medal round in the X Games event called "running down the hallway and pulling fire alarms".  He pulled a Charlie Sheen and started trashing his hotel room.  White was confronted by hotel staff and he took off running down a hall way to make a getaway and on the way he decided to pull a few fire alarms for good measure.  Well since he was drunk he couldn't run that straight and he ended up falling down and splitting his head open on a fence and the shiner was a result.  Police were called and they charged White with public intoxication and vandalism but they didn't take him in because he was taken to the hospital for treatment.  He is a ginger so it was only a matter of time before he revealed himself to be a soulless menace hellbent on destroying everything in his ginger path.  I'm surprised there were people drowned in his bathroom or a giant stash of ACME brand explosives on his bed.  Maybe it's just early in his ginger buffoonery.  Maybe the Olympics and X Games need an event called Douche Beating.  The fence would win the gold every year.
  
  Shakira announced this week that she was expecting her first child.  The Colombian singer has been going steady with Spanish soccer star Gerard Pique since last year.  This announcement comes in wake of a rumor that there is a sex tape involving the two.  Weird.  I've heard of people filming the births of their children but I've never heard of people trying to film the conception.  Maybe now her breasts won't be small and humble.  Interestingly, Pique is expected to miss 2-3 weeks after spraining his foot yesterday in Barcelona's Champions League' match again Spartak Moscow, an injury that is quite obviously the work of the demon fetus in Shakira's perfect body.  How much destruction will the little demon exact upon mankind?  No one knows, my friend, no one knows.  Imagine if the child is a ginger and pairs up with Shaun White.
  
  Selena Gomez was spotted poolside chatting on a phone.  Why yes, she was chatting with me and, yes, things were getting heated.  Out of camera range was Justin Bieber yelling, "Get off the phone!  The Godfather hates me and no he's stealing my girlfriend.  I'm so emasculated.  Also close your legs.  You know how I feel about girl parts."
  
  Because Pattie Mallette hasn't made enough money off her kid, she's writing a book about her life being Justin Bieber's mother.  She was recently on the Today Show and was interviewed by Kathy Lee Gifford and Pattie said that she lost her virginity at 15 and was pregnant at 17.  She said survived a suicide attempt after being sexually abused and wound up in a psychiatric ward.  She was visited by a Christian counselor who convinced her not to abort the baby and now we have Justin Bieber.  So let's get this straight, Pattie gave birth to Justin Bieber and is writing about HER life.  I probably could read that entire book while standing at a Walmart checkout line.  Page 1...hi, my name is Pattie.  Page 2...Justin Bieber was in my belly and came out my vagina.  Page 3...now I'm rich.  Page 4...I can't believe you bought this.  The end.  I hope I didn't spoil anything for all of you Pattie Mallette fans.
  
  Salma Hayek and Oliver Stone were out promoting the movie Savages this week.  Yeah, Oliver, boobs do that to me too.  Oliver must have arthritis and he's trying to relieve his pain by grasping the hooters of holiness.
  
  The website ComingSoon.net released still shots from the Robocop remake.  Joel Kinnaman is playing the Alex Murphy/Robocop role and apparently Robocop had a makeover.  According to ComingSoon, this is the synopsis of the movie: In RoboCop, the year is 2028 and multinational conglomerate OmniCorp is at the center of robot technology. Their drones are winning American wars around the globe and now they want to bring this technology to the home front. Alex Murphy (Kinnaman) is a loving husband, father and good cop doing his best to stem the tide of crime and corruption in Detroit. After he is critically injured in the line of duty, OmniCorp utilizes their remarkable science of robotics to save Alex's life. He returns to the streets of his beloved city with amazing new abilities, but with issues a regular man has never had to face before.  Robocop is one of my favorite movies and I quote it almost daily.  The suit looks a little too much like Batman but the movie also stars Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, and Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Haley, and Michael K. Williams.  I suppose it might be good after all but I would love to see Red from That 70s Show as the villain once again and fall into a vat of toxic waste and get run over by a car.  The movie is scheduled to come out in 2013.
  
  15 years removed from the scandal that rocked America, Monica Lewinsky is set to pen a tell-all book about her relationship with Bill Clinton.  People are worried for Bill's sake that what she'll reveal will kill him because of his weak heart.  Apparently she's going to talk about how daily she begged Bill to leave Hilary because Monica could love him better.  She's 40 now and is single.  I sort of feel bad for her because of it but then I don't know that she's going to cash in.  Also I'm trying to wrap my mind around why old Humidor Crotch has waited so long to write a book about it.  What do you think she'll title the book...A Million Little Cum Stains?  Tuesdays with Whorrie?
  
  Larry Hagman turned 82 this week.  This guy might be one of the most memorable characters in TV history.  J.R. Ewing was such a villain and people loved to hate the guy.  I remember reading once how Hagman got death threats because of the hatred surrounding J.R. Ewing.  I really liked his work in the new Dallas reboot.  Back to his old tricks.  And suddenly I'm having a memory from my childhood.  I have written before about a kid we called Checkerman.  He had a sister that always wore a shirt that said "I Love to Hate J.R. Ewing".  Such a great shirt for church.  I can't remember but I think on the back it said, "I shot J.R."
  
  I know I have a lot of Lady Gaga fans that read this post but we have to face facts.  She's becoming irrelevant day by day and that the "shocking" shit she does no longer shocks and her music isn't that good and it's played out.  So of course she smoked weed on stage at a concert in Amsterdam.  Midshow Gaga admitted to being a member of the "green club" and pulled out a joint and started toking in front of many young fans.  She started praising marijuana for its medicinal purposes and she felt the best place to announce her feelings for the drug was in Amsterdam.  While some fans appreciated her honesty, most were unimpressed by her antics.  Talk about pandering, was that supposed to be shocking to anyone in the audience?  SHE WAS IN AMSTERDAM!  I can't wait for her to eat a taco while performing in Mexico City and claim to be part of the tortilla club.  I can't wait for her and 3 other women to get married to one man when she performs in Salt Lake City.  People will be shocked and minds will be blown.  Here's a video.  Also this week, a new Gaga song titled "Cake Like Lady Gaga" or "Cake/Trap" was leaked.  I have no fucking clue what that title means and I'm not quite sure if this is the worst song in the history of recorded music.  Apparently her rapping style is to take a bunch of Xanax and rhyme designer names and then threaten to shoot a bitch ass trick.  People do claim it's not her but according to a commenter on Sound Cloud it is her: "this most definitely is Gaga. It was posted by gagas current producer DJ Whiteshadow with her vocals pitched down. This is the fixed version. Also, Gagas best friend Tara confirmed via Twitter its her."  Well here's the song.   Sorry.
  
  If you can forget the fact that Khloe Kardashian doesn't look half-black and believe everything the National Enquirer prints then you'll believe their claims that O.J. Simpson is the father of Khloe.  He apparently told his other children that even though he is dirt poor he has a secret account in the Cayman Islands that is where his NFL pension is being sent.  He also admitted that he could be her father because he had an affair with Kris Kardashian(now Jenner) the wife of his friend Robert.  Now O.J. is supposedly feeling upset that he was never in her life and so he's re-writing his will to include Khloe.  Hmmm maybe O.J. is just trying to cash in on the Kardashian family reality shit.  What more could I possibly add to this story?  O.J. is the type of guy that it's shocking he hasn't tied his children to train tracks.  Also does Khloe really need the money?  Of course not, but if O.J. wants her to have it, then it's hers. O.J. must be so frustrated. Since he's in prison where he belongs, he can't handle things the way he's accustomed to. Of course by "handle" I mean murder, and by "things" I mean his sassing children.
  
  A sex tape starring Kanye West performing with an 18 year old girl who looks like Kim Kardashian is being shopped to various websites.  The tape is apparently 20 minutes long and features a lot of dirty talk, petting, and kissing and then Kanye focuses on the girl.  This must be terrible for his new girlfriend Kim.  It's heartbreaking to know your significant other is involved in a sex tape. 
  
  Jimmy Fallon turned 38 this week.  I actually like this guy now.  I hated him on Saturday Night Live but I think that was because at that time I really wanted to be on the show and I was struggling in life.  Anyway, I've grown past my dislike and I actually like his talk show.  It's so much better than Jay Leno but that's not saying a lot.
  
  Jim Carrey was spotted in Malibu scoping out all the ladies in bikinis.  When asked if he'd like to go back to her apartment, Jim was quoted as saying, "ALRIGHT THEN!"  Actually that's his girlfriend.  It must be nice to be rich.
  
  It's hard to believe that Harvey Pekar has been dead for two years.  This guy was a hero of mine.  He wrote the legendary comic book American Splendor.  American Splendor is also the name of a movie about the life of Pekar, a movie which also is one of my favorites.  There will also be quite a bit of posthumous work that will be released.  Pekar was a native of Cleveland, OH and the city will erect a statue of Pekar at the Lee Road branch of the Cleveland Heights-University Heights Public Library, a library that Pekar frequented.  The unveiling will be on October 14th and JT Waldman who worked with Pekar on Not the Israel My Parents Promised Me will be speaking.  I remember there's a statue of Herge the creator of Tintin in France but I can't think of any other comic writer that has a statue dedicated to them.  This is awesome.  Anyway, here's a photo of the statue in it's unfinished form.
  
  From accounts of past boyfriends and husbands, Halle Berry is crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory or a June bug in May.  That being said, she can wear the hell out of a bikini and if there was an equivalent of heroic military leaders it would be General William Sherman or Uncle Billy.  Now all these people south of the Mason Dixon line are talking about seceding if Obama is re-elected.  Don't make me re-animate Uncle Billy and have him march to the sea.  My great-grandfather served under Sherman.
  
  Even though many other celebrities have been busted for marijuana in Texas, Fiona Apple thought it'd be a good idea to have it while in Texas this week.  She was busted in a town called Sierra Blanca.  It's a town in Texas, 20 minutes from the border so it's popular for two things: drug trafficking and celebrity trafficking.  Celebrity trafficking?  Yes, the town is located on I-10, the interstate that runs from Los Angeles to Florida and film crews and music tours travel along that route.  Other celebrities busted in Sierra Blanca include Armie Hammer, Paul Wall, Snoop Dogg, and Willie Nelson.  She was arrested after drug sniffing dogs found her stash of hashish after border agents stopped the bus because of a strong odor of marijuana.  She was booked in the Hudspeth County jail and for some reason she's still sitting in jail.  I always thought Fiona Apple would've been busted for heroin because of the way she looks, some of her early music videos, and her pretentiously long album titles.  And up until tonight, I thought I looked good in purple.  I guess I'm wrong quite a bit and I never want to be called Grimace ever again.  Speaking of McDonald's characters, doesn't she look like she's either wearing a Hamburglar Halloween costume or she is the Hamburglar.  Damn...maybe after smoking weed she gets the munchies and steals hamburgers.  Damn you, marijuana!  You ruin everything!
  
  Moments after this photo was taken, Clint Eastwood started yelling at those empty chairs for supporting President Obama but then he started laughing uproariously because a few of the chairs told him some funny jokes and then he took out his notepad and wrote down some ideas a chair gave him for a future movie production.
  
  This is Casandra Petersen.  She is better known as Elvira.  She turned 61 this week.  I remember watching her show when I was a kid.  I was too young to get the two biggest rating magnets.  I watched a few episodes and then I had nightmares.  My parents forbade me from watching after that.  So sad.  I recently saw her on an episode of Oddities.  They went out and bought a necklace of human teeth for her.  She still looked great and like she could step into that dress.  I still remember the short lived FOX Reality Channel.  They had a show that was to pick the new Elvira.  Plot twist: the winner didn't work out and old Elvira became the new Elvira.
  
  Candice Swanepoel was doing a photoshoot for the new Victoria's Secret catalog and after she was finished she took a trip to the beach.  God bless trips to the beach.  I've been staring at that ass like some people stare at faint images of Jesus on pieces of burnt toast.
  
  Bill Murray turned 62 this week.  I don't really need to write anything more because it's Bill Murray.  I always hear he shows up to random events so I'm officially inviting Bill to the Xanga meet-up on June 1st in Wisconsin Dells.
  
  Arnold Schwarzenegger was spotted driving his brand new, 5 ton, Mercedes-Benz U1300 Unimog.  It's a vehicle that's listed at $250,000 and gets 12 miles per gallon.  Arnold really wanted to take his M1 Abrams tank out to lunch but that thing is a bitch to park and most valets don't know how to drive tank.  Also, sorry about the small penis, Arnold.
  
  At first I thought this was a promotional poster for a new Wuzzles or Oogieloves movie.  This is actually a poster of the new "cast" of American Idol season 472.  From left...Mariah Carey, Keith Urban, Ryan Seacret, Nicki Minaj, and Randy Jackson.  I don't know why but Randy Jackson looks out of place and it's like he just rolled his chair to the desk and pushed his way into the photo because what else is he going to do?  TMZ is reporting that after about 30 seconds of being judges, Mariah Carey hated Nicki Minaj and Nicki Minaj hated Mariah Carey.  Sources are saying that when Nicki tries to be critical during the auditions Mariah Carey talks her down and disagrees on everything.  They end up talking louder and louder trying to talk over each other.  I guess American Idol will be having a costume competition because that's the only thing I could see Nicki Minaj judging on a nationally televised karaoke competition.  It will just be those two catty chicks trying to talk over each other.  I'm not sure why they don't move this show to VH1 or Bravo.
  
  This is Alison Pill.  Oh you don't know Alison Pill?  Neither did I until a few weeks ago drunkenly posted this photo on Twitter.  She's probably best known for her roles in Midnight in Paris, Milk, Scott Pilgrim versus the World, and Newsroom.  A friend said she sent the photo during Fashion Week and it was because she was really drunk and was farting while models walked down the aisle.  How awesome is that?  I would've loved to see a model walk by Alison hear her rip a big fart to break the model's concentration.  So when she posted this photo she only had 13,000 followers on Twitter.  Now she has 31,000 followers.  I guess this means nudity pays or maybe people are huge fans of her work on Newsroom.  I hear it's a pretty good show.  Nudity pays...not for me.  I posted nude pics of myself on Tumblr and didn't get any increase in followers.  Sigh.  I am so ugly and not a female.
  
  This is Alessandra Ambrosio.  She had a baby back in May and she's been working so hard to lose the baby weight.  As you can see from her midsection she has months of work left to do.  I bet she ate a cookie sometime back in August.  Such a shame.  Man...seriously...I wonder if she put on any weight during her pregnancy.  Weight Watchers should've hired her instead of Jessica Simpson.
  
  Adriane Curry recycled her Dark Lily costume for Comikaze this week in L.A.  She also recycled her old Playboy shoot by selling autographed copies to all the people looking at comic books.  Apparently people wearing capes will buy anything.  That pretty much explains Hot Topic.
  
  Back in 2007, when Paris Hilton was more relevant, she made anti-gay slurs and racist comments in a video of her partying at a club.  She referred to herself and her sister Nicki as "like two niggers".  I guess Paris didn't realize that videos provide a permanent record.  She apologized and learned her lesson...for 5 years.  This week a video surfaced on Radar in which Paris makes disparaging comments about homosexuals.  She was in a cab in New York City for Fashion Week.  Paris was with a friend who is openly gay and the driver had his in-car recorder taping.  The gay friend was talking about a phone app called Grindr and he described it as an app for gay guys looking for other guys to screw.  Paris then said, "Ewww. Eww. To get fuckked? Gay guys are the horniest people in the world.  They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS.  I would be so scared if I were a gay guy.  You'll like, die of AIDS."  Considering that the only people who like Paris Hilton anymore this will make things at the clubs quite awkward.  "Hey Sparkle, can you rub your hands with this sanitizer and then pour me a drink? And then rub your hands with this sanitizer again and lead me to the bathroom. Thanks hon. Don't you go dying on me now!"  Paris' publicist tried to spin what she said: "Paris Hilton's comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease. The conversation became heated, after a close gay friend told her in a cab ride, a story about a gay man who has AIDS and is knowingly having unprotected sex. He also discussed a website that encourages random sex by gay men with strangers. As she was being shown the website her comments were in reference to those people promoting themselves on the site. The cab driver who recorded this, only provided a portion of the conversation. It was not her intent to make any derogatory comments about all gays. Paris Hilton is a huge supporter of the gay community and would never purposefully make any negative statements about anyone's sexual orientation."  Okay, so gays aren't disgusting, just horny gays with AIDS are disgusting. This changes EVERYTHING!  Paris did issue an apology and explained pretty much everything the publicist said.  It's a good thing she apologized otherwise Chick-Fil-A would've made her their new spokesperson.  Oh that's too bad, Paris could've had an actual job.  Paris also tried to renew a new feud during Fashion Week.  Lindsay Lohan showed up at Lady Gaga's party and Paris Hilton flipped that she was there.  Paris wanted to leave but people at the party calmed her down and tried to get the two together for a photo but they refused.  You know Paris is desperate for attention when she takes on Lindsay Lohan.  Paris, do you know what Lindsay does to people she doesn't like?  The same thing she does to cocaine and Red Bull...she devours them.  If you fight her, Lindsay will be playing the role of Nazi Germany and you'll be 1939 France.  Speaking of chicken shit, it's ironic that you're named Paris because you're going to get your ass kicked unless you surrender immediately.
  
  You know, Lindsay Lohan doesn't look that bad in these promo shots for the Elizabeth Taylor movie.  I wish she cleaned herself up and looked like this more often but that whole, "I don't drink anymore because I have a problem" thing was bullshit because Lindsay is back to her partying ways.  She got drunk at her mother Dina's 50th birthday party.  And of course, Dina Lohan is in denial: "I'm certainly not making excuses for Lindsay's behavior. But she's a 26-year-old woman. Some people who want to quit drinking do it cold turkey and some do it gradually -- you want to keep a balance. I don't know what's a right way or a wrong way."  Oh yeah, Dina and Lindsay getting sloppy drunk together at a bar isn't something that needs to be reported because it's an every day occurrence.  However the two of them going down on a cab driver so they don't have to pay the cab fare because they don't have any money tickles my funny bone because it has probably happened.  Well Lindsay should give more cranky yankies to cab drivers because she was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident in Manhattan after allegedly clipping a pedestrian.  Lindsay clipped the guy and then went to a hotel and when she came out an hour later she was arrested by police.  Lindsay claims that she had no clue that she hit anyone and she claims it's fishy because the man had no visible injuries.  Oh, of course. It was a setup. That's what happened. The NYPD secretly gave her car artificial intelligence while Lindsay was sleeping, so it could hit pedestrians without her knowledge. It should be obvious to everyone that members of the Nickelodeon Brotherhood have infiltrated the highest levels of the New York government. What is Obama doing about this?  What will Romney do about this when he wins? 
  
  FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!  I was going to post Lindsay's rap sheet and how she got off easy for all her charges but this post is long enough as is.  Amanda Bynes got a DUI, been charged with two-hit-runs, and had her car impounded for driving on a suspended license. Compared to Lindsay, she should be elected Mayor and given a copy of everybody's car keys.Former Nickelodeon star Danny Tamberelli spoke out about Lohan's tweets: "Given her own history with the law, it’s absurd that [Lindsay] would be so quick to judge another young woman under this kind of public scrutiny.  Nickelodeon was nothing short of amazing to work for and they had their watchful eye on us all. They took care of us and tried not to let us go down the wrong path."  Even though Danny no longer has contact with Bynes he wishes her the best and hopes she can find the help she needs.  See, Amanda, you don't need to go to Obama, go to your former co-stars.  It's sort of sad that my Facebook friend, Danny Tamberelli, is the voice of reason here.
  
  Apparently Amanda Bynes thought that having your driver's license suspended meant you can still drive around.  She was pulled over when police ran her license and found that it was suspended.  She was issued a ticket and had her car impounded.  The police noticed her because of her behavior but they wouldn't specify.  She was driving aimlessly back and forth through the valet area of the Burbank airport and then she left the airport.  People think that she uses her car to smoke weed while she drives and this explains why she's turned it into a bumper car.  Well Amanda may not be on drugs but may just be crazy.  People at her gym have numerous stories of her erratic behavior.  One person said they witnessed Amanda making compliments about herself and answering questions she asked herself.  Other people say that while Amanda works on the elliptical machine she begins laughing hysterically for no reason throughout her workout.  Another person has witnessed Amanda having conversations with inanimate objects.  Another incident occurred later this week.  Amanda attended a 50 minute spinning class.  After a few minutes of spinning, Amanda got off her bike, walked around the room aimlessly and switched bikes.  Before she started cycling again, Amanda took off her shirt to reveal that she was wearing just a black strapless bra that wasn't a sports bra.  After 25 minutes, Amanda got off her new bike and pulled out her Louis Vuitton bag and began to reapply her make-up.  After ten minutes of the make-up work, the instructor yelled at her to get out.  In Amanda's defense, she wouldn't have started applying her makeup during class if that bitch instructor didn't keep shapeshifting into Lori Beth Denberg.  In an interview with People, Amanda said this: "I'm doing amazing. I am retired as an actor. I am moving to New York to launch my career. I am going to do a fashion line. I am not talking about being arrested for DUI because I don't drink, and I don't drink and drive. It is all false."  I'm guessing "amazing" is the name for a new drug that is weed cut with bath salts, LSD, and crystal meth.  Later in the week, Amanda was caught attempting shoplifting.  I guess she isn't your average run of the mill fuck up.  She was shopping at a boutique in Hollywood called Kin.  Amanda took some clothes inside a changing room and locked herself inside for nearly two hours.  The clerks then heard a banging sound coming from the dressing room every ten minutes or so and when they'd ask if Amanda needed assistance she'd yell, "I need more time."  Amanda finally came out and bought a pair of stilettos, sunglasses, and a few other items.  As she was leaving, Amanda noticed she was wearing a bikini top that she had not purchased.   She then paid for the top.  Who tries to steal a $40 bikini?  Clearly she's insane.  At least when Lindsay Lohan goes shoplifting, she steals things she can leave to her grandchildren in 40 years. "Gather 'round children so grandma can tell you a story about how I got 24k gold coke mirror out of a party by stashing up my cooch."  And much like a Republican running for Senate in a swing state, Amanda Bynes' entire team has jumped ship leaving the actress/stunt car driver to fend for herself on Crazy Ocean.  In the past couple of weeks, her agent, publicist, and entertainment lawyers have dropped her as a client.  Sources say she was a dream client up until 12 months ago and that they haven't been able to get into contact with her for the past month.  All of them tried to help her but she remained silent and didn't answer or return any calls or make any visits.  When the person you're associated with or the person you work for starts saying and doing insane things on camera then defends those insane things and thinks they don't have a problem, it might be time to cut all ties with that person for the sake of your own career.  Amanda is on a downward spiral of crazy and will soon be putting dead birds in people's mailboxes so they can go to Heaven or whatever batshit crazy people do.  But seriously, is anyone else scared?  OK we need to get Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes to fight at the next Wrestlemania and only one of them can leave the ring alive.

  Have a great weekend

  • 10:16 PM
  • 36 Comments