September 26, 2012

• Motivation

  I’m pretty certain that the referee from last night’s game was the same guy who told me Prometheus was a good movie.

  So I was teaching the other day and this kid came in the classroom and his hair was all disheveled and he was wearing formal clothes but they were really messy and I swear there was blood on them.  He started speaking to his classmates and his voice was really low and gravelly.  I couldn’t take it any more because I thought this kid was trying to imitate Batman so I asked, “Who died and made you Batman?”  He replied, “My parents…last night.”  That made for an awkward rest of the day.

  I don’t like going to twitter much any more because I look at my Bachelor’s Degree and start to cry as I try to make a fart joke in under140 characters.

  Someone from the GOP said that releasing the video of Romney making that speech about 47% of Americans was character assassination of a good man.  Somewhere Jeremiah Wright did a spit take.  Romney also plans on playing dubstep at future campaign stops to prove he can connect with younger generations.  He also plans on ending his speeches with “Sock it to me, baby.”

  A study out of Yale University has revealed that no matter how many times you answer “OK” your parents will not shut up.

  I’m pretty sure all body spray deodorant smells like teenage sex and drug abuse.

  I was reading a newspaper and there was an article about a Segway owner who killed himself by driving his Segway off a cliff.  I guess the old saying is true; you live by the Segway, you die by the Segway.

  Birds don’t sing. They rap and they usually rap about shitting all over you and your car.

  Is anyone else bothered by the fact that books will become obsolete sometime in our lifetime and that I’m part of the problem?  Does it also bother you that Asian countries are going to surpass us in our lifetime? I mean their pop music is so much better than ours.

  If I was a meal, I’d be a Stouffer’s Microwavable Dinner for One.

  Since Kanye West is dating Kim Kardashian I guess he is officially OK with golddiggers.

  A lot of people don’t think Jesus had a wife.  Well he probably did because who else would’ve been the first to yell “Jesus H. Christ!”  Oh and Bible scholars don’t know about where the “H” came from.  It’s obviously his middle name Herbert.  I’m probably blasphemous but I really do hate that “Jesus Take the Wheel” song but I’m pretty sure after he changed the water into wine, Jesus wouldn’t have been able nor wanted to take the wheel and besides that do you really think Jesus would know how to drive when Jesus in The Passion of the Christ didn’t know how to eat at a regular table.

  If you disregard the strippers, fighting, and overall crudeness, you can get some pretty good relationship advice from Jerry Springer when he gives his final thoughts.

  I need to stop being attracted to women I can’t have like lesbians but then my momma didn’t raise a quitter but then I don’t have to worry since I have the sex appeal of a patch of dead grass.

  I woke up this morning to all these strange sounds outside my house.  I couldn’t figure out if it was construction or a Skrillex concert. It was construction.

  I’m going to be realistic, if iCarly was a real show I’m pretty sure she’d be bullied relentlessly on the show and in real life.

  Sleeping alone is a waste of my sexual talent.

  Two of my biggest hobbies are listening to the same album on repeat for hours and being a bitter asshole but restraining myself from yelling at people.

  I watched Blue Velvet again. Good thing I don’t plan on having sex for the next month or so.

  Apparently Green Day will be waking up at the end of this week.

  Why is it that when no one is around I’m at my funniest?

  I know I talk about how I hate labels but when someone tells me they detest labels and won’t use them, I fill one glass with water and another with hydrochloric acid.  Good luck telling which is which without labels.

  Have you ever watched a movie and about halfway through you didn’t know any of the characters’ names? I’d tell which movie that happened to me last but it wasn’t memorable.

  I’m going to learn the Gangnam style dance so I can be the most popular person at the homecoming dance. I turned on my radio the other day and that song was playing and it reminded me why I don’t listen to the radio anymore.

  Love songs are so depressing to me because I’m a pessimist and I see every love song ending one of three ways: either the person they love will rip their heart out of their chest, they will rip the heart of the object of their affection’s chest, or someone will die in a tragic automobile accident.

  You can ask me to pick up milk and eggs on the way home and I’ll forget but if you ask me to remember lyrics to Warren G’s “Regulators” I can recite the whole song.

  Mitt Romney talked about opening windows on a plane.  The Polish military bought that idea and think this will be a bigger idea than screen doors on submarines.

  And here's your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Have you ever wondered how many men converted to Judaism just so they could cover up their bald spots?

  I wish being popular wasn’t a popularity contest.  I wish it was a hotdog eating contest.

  I don’t understand Life cereal.  It tastes good.  It should taste bittersweet.

  Football on Saturday and Sunday is awesome because it makes drinking at noon look normal.

  I’ve been looking for the perfect girl, well not so much perfect but she has to love me more than I hate myself.  I guess that would mean she would have to be perfect.

  With the rise of the popularity of porno parodies, I’m waiting for the day when an actor or actress falls from grace and ends up playing their role in the porno parody of their movie.

  I’m trying to narrow down my favorite western movie.  It’s either “Once Upon a Time in the West”,“The Magnificent Seven”, or “American Tail: Fievel Goes West”.

  I once blew a fuse because I have a fireworks fetish.

  My parents never made me wash out my mouth for swearing but one time I flipped them off they made me wash my hands.  It was so disgusting.

  I’m not fat; I’m just bloated from being dead on the inside.

  A lot of my friends ooh and ahh over dogs with three legs but they start screaming at me to stop when I try to one off from a four legged dog.

  I’m trying to figure out which SNES game was better: NBA Jam or WNBA Lay Up.

  If I get a tattoo it will be the Chinese symbol for barbed wire.

  The way to a woman’s heart is with a penis that reaches that far and shoots diamonds and cash.

  Politicians are like sperm. One in a million turns out to be an actual human

  I tried dating an astronaut once but she always said she needed her space.

  90% of seniors support medicinal marijuana.  Too bad they are just high school seniors.

  My last girlfriend had multiple personalities.  Does that mean I was involved in an orgy?

  If I had a nickel for every lustful stare I’ve received today then I’d have 88cents.

  A woman called me ugly today.  I started crying because it must be so difficult to live with horrible eyesight.

  I was voted most popular at the Mazomanie Nude Beach this summer.  I usually brought two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts with me to the beach.

  A girl wrote “wash me” on the dust on my dick.
  

  Most of my knowledge of the female orgasm comes from the onetime I saw When Harry Met Sally.
  

  To all the ladies who have propositioned me over the years here on Xanga…yes, I will have sex with all of you.
  

  “You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.
  

  I’m trying to help Xanga start a new marketing campaign and I’m submitting two new slogans.  First:“Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”  Second: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”

  I wish I could ctrl alt delete some Xangans.

  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all,just post that shit on Xanga.

  93% of Xanga users say the biggest regret they have about Xanga usually involves the recommend comment or befriending the guy who recommends every single comment he writes.

  • 8:43 PM
  • 43 Comments