September 29, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 9/28/12

  Ugh

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Kat Dennings was at the Emmys and I'm not clear if she won anything but given that dress the real winners are us.  I don't know if she has any Emmys but I do know she has some Golden Globes.  Groan all you want, you knew I was going to make that joke.
  
  Christina Hendricks was at the Emmys and in what some people are calling a shocker, Mad Men didn't win any awards but of course we have to remember that the Emmys have nothing to do with talent which would explain why Jon Cryer won an Emmy this year for best male lead in a comedy.
  
  I often talk about what magnificent chichis(hmmm Magnificent Chichis...that could be a good porno parody) Sofia Vergara has but right before the Emmys she posted this photo on Twitter and her website.  Her nalgas couldn't be contained by that dress.  She split her dress because her ass is so jealous of all the attention her chest gets.  Every guy in a two mile radius stared and that's every guy, both gay and straight.  Her ass is so nice it crosses sexual orientation boundaries.  Not to turn this into a political post, but we really need to take a look at immigration reform. Specifically, any chick who has ever appeared on Univision should be granted full citizenship.  And I suppose we can't avoid talk of her chest.  She was on Katie Couric's show this week and revealed that she is a 32F.  Her publicist has advised her to have breast reduction surgery so she can land more roles.  Hey, she's doing just fine on Modern Family and The Three Stooges movies.  Sofia had this to say, "I'm very proud of my body and the way I look. I would be ungrateful to be saying, 'Oh, I'm so mad because people just look at me and see my pretty face. I thank God for what he has given me and I take advantage of it.  (My mom said), 'God is going to punish you, you can't chop your boobs out. It's crazy. All the women are risking their life to get boobs.' So I didn't do it."  Sofia's rack is why we have peace on earth.  For the past decade and a half, millions of men and women all over the world have learned Spanish or found Univision on their cable all so they could stare at Sofia's chest.  If North, Central, and South America can put aside all our differences by staring at her chest for a few minutes a day, imagine what we could do in the Middle East?  Now that is change I can believe in.
  
  Olivia Munn showed up at the Emmys and an HBO after party.  She was originally wearing a huge spotlight with sirens and an arrow pointing at her.  Gosh I like her but alas it will not be because at the HBO party she was spotted canoodling with Alexander Skarsgard.  They were seen whispering to each other and were inseparable.  I could go on and on about Skarsgard but I won't because he's not banging your average Hollywood skank here.  Olivia Munn is one of godfatherofgreenbay's favorites.  That is some USDA choice beef he's fileting.  I guess that means he's trying to upgrade his profile.  Now if he nails Minka Kelly, Octomom, or certain Xangans then we all know he's been reading my diary.  I guess it's time I start using the lock on it.
  
  Tina Fey was channeling her inner Audrey Hepburn for the cover of Entertainment Weekly.  I thought of posting this for Caturday but I'm writing this on caturday because I had somewhat of an emotional breakdown.  You know it's awesome when you think about someone you once loved and they are no longer here and you picture them so full of life and loving you and it feels like a knife through your heart.  Anyway...Tina talked about this being the last season of 30 Rock.  I think they have monkeys programming NBC because they are saying goodbye to two of their best shows this year, 30 Rock and The Office.  She said this, "I think it will be hard. I would love to get another TV show on the air someday."  Tina also talked about her movie Date Night because I guess that hasn't gotten enough publicity: "I liked the opportunity to play a person who was married as opposed to a rapidly decaying woman going on dates."  Sigh.  No joke...next.
  
  There's this site called MyEx.com that combines celebrity gossip with stories about people's exes.  There's also a few nude pics and what not but you know I'm an awful pervert by now.  Anyway, Snooki's ex, Jeff Miranda, found that site and he had some interesting things to say about Snooki: "Well where to begin. Here is a start, my ex gf the snookster doesnt believe in showers and likes to wear the same cloth for days. While we were together during the filming of jersey shore season 3, she barely changed her underwear. And left the same tampon in for days!!!! Gross i Know. Even on episode 6 of season 3 you see her tampon string hanging out between her legs, talk about class right!!! I also remember walking down the seaside boardwalk with her to get on the sky ride while we had hundreds of fans flock us, and this poor little girl who was sick, her mom said that all she wanted was for snooki to say hi to her, guess what my POS ex gf did, nothing, what she did do, was turn away and look at me and say " ughh, i cant stand these people!! " What a total bitch, isnt even grateful for the people who made her what she is today!!! She isnt the little sweetheart everyone thinks she is!!! I am calling you out snooki!!! Just because your all famous now doesnt mean shit!!! Im on a reality show as well and know how to respect and show love to all my fans. you should learn the same!!! Shame on fucking you!!!"  Keep in mind she named her baby Lorenzo.  It's just a shame that the citizens of New Jersey will have to wait about 20 years for the Toxic Shock Avenger to protect them.
  
  Serena Williams turned 31 this week.  She is such a great tenniser.  I really like when she passes the tennis ball to the other player and scores a hole in one to break par and roll a 300 perfect game.  I know nothing of tennis other than love, like in real life, is bad.  I just like her because at times she defies gravity.
  
  You know, I have conflicts when posting photos of Selena Gomez.  In some she looks so great and in others, like this one, she looks like an overdeveloped 14 year old even though she's 20.  I guess it's fitting she's dating Justin Bieber.  They both look like they need to be put down for a nap because they threw a temper tantrum after being put in time-out for coloring on the walls with markers.
  
  Reese Witherspoon is a fan of Arrested Development...not the TV show.  She gave birth to a baby boy this week.  This is Reese's first child with her new husband Jim Toth.  She had two children from her previous marriage with Ryan Phillippe.  Those kids are named Ava and Deacon.  Well Reese didn't want to stick with the plan of giving all her children names that make them sound like the biggest tattle-tales in class.  She named her new son Tennessee James Toth.  So I bet the kid was conceived listening to the song Tennessee by Arrested Development.  It's either that or she named him after her two favorite alcoholic beverages, Tennessee = where they make Jack Daniels whiskey and James as in Bartles & James winecoolers.  All I know is that kid is going to have an awesome future as a relic hunter...Tennessee James. 
  
  Paris Hilton is taking a vacation from whatever the hell it is she does with her 168 hours of free time each week.  She is currently vacationing in Maui and this is a shot of her ziplining with her new boyfriend.  Why can't a huge eagle or even better a rabid pterodactyl swoop in and end out nation's misery.  Of course the eagle or pterodactyl would die an excruciating death from ingesting all those diseases. 
  
  Nicki Minaj debuted her new fragrance this week.  If you want to smell like Nicki Minaj you obviously need to rethink your life decisions.  I think I'm going to throw up now because all those clashing bright colors are nauseating.
  
  Miley Cyrus was at the iHeartRadio music festival in Las Vegas this week and she ran into Flava Flav.  It wasn't that special about their meeting but it is what happened after.  Flava tells the camera that he was happy to meet Gwen Stefani.  He mistook Miley for Gwen Stefani.  I don't know.  I would've probably said Pink first.  Maybe Flav just thinks all white women with short platinum blonde hair look alike.  But if that was the case then he'd mistake her for Brigitte Nielsen.  My question now is, is this a compliment to Gwen Stefani that he thinks she looks half her age or a insult to Miley because she looks twice her age?
  
  And while I'm on Miley Cyrus and I know I make fun of her I would like to be on her, that tongue...holy crap. 
  
  I guess Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are still dating.  This week they added a new layer of slime to their relationship.  And no, it's not the matching outfits although I think couples who wear matching outfits are totally insufferable and deserve to be put in stocks, it's the Bears shirts.  God, could it get any worse than the Chicago Bears with the New York in front.  I suppose it could be worse.  They could somehow have the Cubs on the shirt.
  
  I tend to avoid this cunt but I couldn't resist this story.  I guess since she's good at spreading her legs for rich and famous men and she got a reality show because her daughter's a porn star, Kris Jenner felt that she was priviliged and didn't need to wait in line for the new iPhone 5 this week.  A week before they hit the stores, Kris called a store at a mall in California and told the clerk to set aside 5 iPhones and she would send an assistant in to pick them up when they were released.  The clerk told her that Kris would have to come in and stand in line like everyone else.  Kris demanded to speak to a manager but all the managers refused to speak with her because setting aside iPhones wasn't a negotiating issue.  They wouldn't do it for anyone.  Well the day they released, her assistant marched into the store and said, "I'm here to pick up 5 iPhones for Kris Jenner."  A security guard told the assistant, "See that line?  Go wait in it and you will be helped."  If you're keeping up with ways the Kardashian's are miserable human beings, feel free to add this to your list. This bitch is so entitled, she'd probably try to cut in line at Auschwitz.  And if the Kardashians are using iPhones then I don't want to have any part of an iPhone.
  
  Kathy Griffin was spotted scaring all the children in her neighborhood this week.  I don't think I'll ever sleep again.  It's like she's trying to steal my soul.  It's either that or she's showing off her Halloween costume...Carrot Top with AIDS.
  
  Katherine McPhee showed off a very clever use for the iPad.  It hides the camel toe.  And just look, the next iPad will have a Camel Toe Shield.  Her using it as a camel toe shield is probably the only thing Apple products are good for.  Oh and I bet the Kardashians will be clamoring for that new iPad but they'd need two or three iPads to cover their camel toes since they are so massive from sleeping their way to get a reality show.
  
  I remember a few years ago when Xanga went crazy over the topic of spanking after Kate Gosselin was photographed by paparazzi spanking one of her children in their driveway.  A reporter named Robert Hoffman says that Kate got more hardcore with her punishments.  Her children won't have to worry about writing their memoirs about being spanked because Kate kept vivid diaries of all the times she had to spank her children.  In Robert Hoffman's new book Kate Gosselin: How She Fooled the World, he uses the diaries she kept.  Somehow he got a hold of these diaries and wrote about all her punishment methods.  In one entry Kate claims to have caught one of her children eating M&Ms and she pulled him by the hair and spanked him.  She also brags about using a wooden spoon on her children and she gave said spoon the name The Spanker.  She also writes about how she was worried she may hurt the kids.  Hoffman also alleges that in one entry Kate claims to have punished her son Collin by grabbing him by the hair and throwing him hard into his crib.  Sigh...I empathize with those kids.  I know all too well about hair pulling.  At least they never had to fear a leather belt or having a college class ring being turned around so you are struck upside the head with the stone.  Damn.  I just hope that wooden spoon isn't the same one she uses to mix cake batter.  That would be unhygienic.
  
  Last week I mentioned how there was a Kanye West sex tape being shopped.  Well this week there is ANOTHER tape being shopped and this one is supposedly twice as long.  Rumor has it that the first tape is 20 minutes long and his co-star is Kim Kardashian lookalike Mony Monn.  The co-star in the second tape is a different girl and they apparently go at it for 40 minutes.  He is now claiming that someone stole the tapes from his computer.  Do you get the idea that Kris Jenner is behind this since she was the brains behind Kim's sex tape with Ray J and then later tried to buy it when Kim wanted to be a married woman?  I bet the real reason this tape is 40 minutes long is because Kanye didn't have a mirror in the room so he could admire his face.
  
  So I was talking to my mom the other day and she knows I like Sons of Anarchy and she was telling me that either CNN or HLN ran a story about a cast member of Sons of Anarchy that beat up two guys with a 2X4, dismembered a cat, and killed his landlady and then killed himself.  I hit the web and found that it was Johnny Lewis, age 28.  This guy was only on Sons of Anarchy for two seasons or so before his drug habits got in the way and he wanted his character to have a larger role.  Witnesses said they heard the 81 year old landlady screaming and then two men came to investigate and they were beaten by Lewis and then he climbed on top of the landlady's house and fell off.  Witnesses also said that Lewis seemed to possess superhuman strength when attacking the woman and two men.  Police say he was using PCP or meth.  Meth gives you superhuman strength?  I guess I need some so I can go as Superman for Halloween and make it authentic.  It's weird but this guy dated Katy Perry in 2005 before she shot to fame.  It's also sketchy as to what happened but police suspect that the landlady caught Lewis stealing her jewelery or she confronted him about the dead cat.  I also found out that this guy's dad is one of the higher ups in the Church of Scientology but that's either attained by spending a night with John Travolta or beating Tom Cruise in a creepy contest.  Johnny was also said to be involved with the "church" and after the story broke all photos of Johnny Lewis were removed from their website.  Apparently this guy had some bad thetans.  A church blog had Lewis in a category called "Celebrities who use Scientology and Dianetics to help them live happy and successful live".  So extreme Muslims fly planes into buildings and hate women, extreme Christians bomb abortion clinics and hate women, and extreme Scientologists are mostly just closet cases who like to file lawsuits and feed their sick kids niacin. I think L. Ron Hubbard would be proud that Johnny Miller didn't go see a psychiatrist. It's obvious that someone who tortures a cat doesn't have any psychological issues. None at all.
  
  Heidi Klum is pissed and is suing a French magazine for posting topless photos of her even though she goes topless all the time.  I know her boobs better than those of the young woman who moved in across the street and hasn't purchased curtains yet.  Thank the lord for binoculars.  She is claiming her privacy was violated just like Kate Middleton.  The photos have surfaced on several websites showing Heidi on vacation in the south of France with her bodyguard boyfriend sans bikini top. There's just one problem it's unclear which French magazine published the original pics.  Her camp is trying to discover the original source because they claim she was on a private, secluded beach when the photos were taken.  This has to be a publicity stunt and it probably is because Project Runway isn't as popular as what it once was. 
  
  Guy Fieri is in Florence, Italy and some tourists snapped their photo with Guy.  If you are in the birthplace of the Renaissance and the highlight of your visit was getting your photo taken with that douchebag then you are an asshole.
  
  If you can name 8 out of 10 people in this photo then you had an awesome childhood.  If you don't know, the two old guys are the creators of Full House and then there's DJ, Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, Stephanie, Uncle Joey, Kimmy Gibbler, Danny Tanner, and DJ's boyfriend Steve.  They reunited this week for shiggles.  The Olsen twins were there but you can't see them because they are so skinny.  They're hiding behind one of the leaves on that plant.  So they didn't show up, that means more coke for everyone!
  
  These days aren't so happy for former actress on Happy Days, Erin Moran(left).  Erin played Joanie Cunningham and in this picture she's with her TV mom Marion Ross.  Currently, Erin is down and out in Indiana after being kicked out of a trailer park with her husband Steve Fleischmann.  They are currently motel hopping and draining money faster than whatever's left of Scott Baio's sanity.  Erin's path of woe started a few years ago when she was evicted from her home in California.  To save money, Erin and Steve moved into Steve's mom's trailer park.  They didn't last long in the trailer park because the other residents couldn't stand Erin and Steve's party habits so Steve's mom kicked them out.  The National Enquirer talked about how Erin got a cash settlement from CBS for merchandising rights but she has nearly drank up all that money.  They were living in a Holiday Inn for a while but the staff couldn't stand their partying so they were asked to leave.  I guess it could be worse.  I mean she could've actually married Scott Baio.  I think it's time Howard and Marion send out Richie and the Fonz to find Joanie and bring her home otherwise she may end up like Chuck. 
  
  Dita Von Teese turned 40 this week.  Gosh that's swell...just like something on my body...my ankle you pervert.  It always swells when there is a weather change.  I should've posted this one on Caturday too.
  
  Bruce Springsteen turned 63 this week.  I really enjoy this guy's music.  Yeah, I know, I'm probably losing music credibility with some of you but Springsteen is awesome.  I like to sing some of his songs for karaoke, especially his older stuff when it sounds like he was drunk and slurring everything.  Just listen to Born to Run.  I had an awesome Springsteen impression.  Also, the best bumpersticker I've ever seen involves him.  It said, "Your boss may be a Jewish carpenter but my Boss is a guitarist from New Jersey"
  
  Speaking of New Jersey, Aida Turturro turned 50 this week.  Aida is best known for her role on The Sopranos and for being from the Turturro family of actors (her cousins are John and Nicholas Turturro). I loved her character on The Sopranos.  She was the true villain of that series. 
  
  This is Margaret Pellegrini.  She turned 89 this week.  She is one of the last surviving Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz.  She had an interesting tale of how she was discovered according to wikipedia.  It's hard to imagine that there are still people alive who were in The Wizard of Oz.  I looked it up and there are only 3 remaining Munchkins and Margaret is the youngest.  The other two are Ruth Duccini (94) and Jerry Maren (92).
  
  Kevin Sorbo turned 54 this week.  I figured I'd throw this photo in for the ladies and the Lutherans.  Kevin Sorbo may be one of the most popular WELS actors out there.
  
  Donald Glover turned 29 this week.  Glover is one of the hottest rising stars in Hollywood.  He's a comedian, a rapper who goes by Childish Gambino, a writer for 30 Rock, and is best known for his role on Community.  He has a bright future ahead of him.
  
  Speaking of bright futures, remember this lady?  It's Nia Vardalos.  She turned 50 this week.  She is probably best known for the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  Then she just sort of faded away.  Hopefully her landing on the round-up will get her some exposure.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
  
  Remember Green Day?  Well they were at the iHeartRadio Festival in Las Vegas this past weekend and frontman Billy Joe Armstrong lost his shit.  They were playing a song called "Basket Case" when the timer on the wall flashed that they only had 1 minute left on their performance because Usher went 25 minutes over his allotted time.  Here's the video.  Now since he claims "I'm not fucking Justin Bieber" and it's a reference to Usher, I wonder if he's using "fucking" as a verb or an adjective.  Usually throwing hate at Justin Bieber is a sign of sanity but not for Billy Joe.  He is going to rehab.  Green Day also issued an apology to the festival and fans.  It comes as no surprise that he's going to rehab and they apologized.  Clear Channel hosts the iHeartRadio Festival and Clear Channel basically owns 850 radio stations in the U.S. and Green Day has a new album coming out so they figured if they didn't comply they wouldn't get any radio play.  I thought that was awful but then I realized nothing says punk rock like a middle-aged white dude getting his feelings hurt and saying "fuck" a lot after he already cashed his check from Clear Channel.  If you're singing the same shit you did in the 90's and you had your own Broadway show, save the righteous indignation for the your coke mirror. Because, I hate to break this to you, nobody gives a shit. I know I'm speculating that he is going to rehab for coke but more than likely he's going to rehab to break his addiction to eyeliner.
  
  Legendary singer Andy Williams passed away this week at the age of 84.  Williams had 18 gold albums and 3 platinum albums and he also hosted a television variety show for 9 years.  Andy Williams will be remembered best for his song "Moon River".  I think my favorite Andy Williams reference was on The Simpsons.  Who knew the resident bully, Nelson Muntz, could be a huge Andy Williams fan?  But...boom...second encore.  Andy Williams will be missed.
  
  Lindsay Lohan was sent to the emergency room last weekend because of an apparent asthma attack.  Sources are also saying that Lohan has not been showing up for a paying job because she claims she has walking pneumonia.  I bet she went on WebMD and looked for things that would prevent her from working when she would rather be partying.  She is also claiming that the stress from being arrested for hitting a pedestrian is weakening her lungs.  This isn't a case of walking pneumonia but it's stumbling dullard pneumonia.  You know what else might convince her body that it has a lung infection? The 12 packs of Parliaments she smokes a day.  We'll all find out I'm just making baseless claims when Dina Lohan releases a statement saying that Lindsay was a naval dockyard worker and came into contact with asbestos.  You know they watch TV too and see all those commercials of law firms looking to help people with medical problems.  Time for the Lohans to cash in.

  Have a great weekend.

  • 9:19 PM
  • 23 Comments