October 3, 2012

  • Motivation

    It’s always weird for me to attend weddings because as I’m either standing up front in the wedding party or sitting in a church pew I can’t help but think that in a few hours they married couple will be having sex.

    Life is all about taking risks which is why I masturbate with my doors open.

    I never quite understood the point of flavored condoms.  Do butts and vaginas have taste buds?

    I can tell when people are mocking me for buying As Seen on TV products thanks in part to my Whisper 2000.

    I went to the cape store the other day and wanted to try on a new cape.  The clerk asked if I needed help trying on the cape and I said, “No, thank you.  I’m perfectly capable.”

    I don’t yell at my cats for drinking out of the toilet since I’m not a hypocrite.

    I always wonder if the reason I don’t get good cell phone service is because my cell phone doesn’t wear a shirt or shoes.

    I bet continental breakfasts were pretty awesome before Pangaea broke up.

    I adopted a dog this week. It’s pretty confusing because it has the same name as my girlfriend.  My house is just so awkward with two bitches named Precious on all fours waiting for my approval.  HAHAHAHA…no one could ever love me.

    It’s amazing how songs can take you back to memories from your youth.  Like the other day I heard“Love Shack” by the B52s and that took me back to the time I had sex with my neighbor in her family’s storage shed behind their house.  I also heard “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum and remembered the time her and I had sex in a train car at the old train depot.  Then I heard “Touch Myself” by The Diviynls and remembered how I didn’t have sex with her but masturbated to those thoughts.  Ah…the power of music!

    I’m trying to find a way to get celebrities to notice me that doesn’t involve me being a stalker or having a terminal illness.  I like being friends with the local news anchors but I need something bigger.

    What is the point of blurring out a middle finger on TV?  It’s not like I don’t know what it is.  Could it be a finger or a giraffe?  Or an ice cream cone?  Or Adam West?

    I just want to eat whipped cream off Christina Hendricks' chest.  Is there a way I can get Make a Wish to make this happen?

    Any girl out there want to role play “The Green Mile”?  I’ll be Tom Hanks character and you be John Coffey.  OK, so it’s just an elaborate attempt to get you to touch my junk.

    I guess being ugly isn’t so bad.  Girls will have sex with ugly guys if they have a good personality and guys will screw ugly girls because guys will screw anything.

    Today I head Soundgarden on the classic rock radio station.  I then disappeared just like Yoda did.

    I’m watching episodes of Breaking Bad, The Wire, Sons of Anarchy, Walking Dead, Deadwood, Rome,and The Shield every single night of the week. I feel like I’m the biggest badass in the history of the world.

    I’m pretty sure illegally downloading music is a gateway to meth.

    I feel like I saved humanity ever since I signed an online petition asking NBC to bring back Friday Night Lights.

    I think Mumford and Sons is one of the best bands out there today.  They took one song and turned it into two albums.

    I can’t believe people fly the rebel flag.  You’re displaying that you support the losing side of the wrongest war in history.

    Whenever I hear someone say they are a foodie, I imagine that they enjoy rubbing food all over their genitals.

    Isn’t it weird that sleeping can get in the way of your dreams?

    I look like Ryan Gosling if he ate three Ryan Goslings smothered in cheese.

    If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie it’s not amore because the moon is fucking huge and would probably kill you.

    In this election cycle I can’t believe no one is talking about all the free housing we give birds. Why don’t they have to buy houses or rent like the rest of us schlubs?  The avian welfare stops now!

    My mom said all my pretending would never get me anywhere.  The joke’s on her because I pretend to be an adult and I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

    You know you’re getting old if you look at your porn and naughty time toy collection and wonder if you should just put it all in storage.

    And now for your weekly dose of motivation:


















    I may be delusional but every single person that’s ever met me loves me.

    I just want to be held…against my will…by sex-starved amazons.

    My uncle Dave would’ve been 65 yesterday but he was born on October 1, 1941 so he’s actually 71.

    Birthdays are a good way to find out how many of your Facebook friends you’ve never heard of before. I was pissed because no one wished me a happy birthday yesterday even though it wasn’t my birthday.

    If I ever get married, my wedding ring will have a built in bottle opener.

    No news about Huey Lewis and the News is bad news.

    Do thermometers have to go to college so they can display degrees?

    People think it’s bad that America is the fattest nation in the world.  I’d rather be the fattest nation than having the most donkey shows per capita or most horse meat markets.

    Seth McFarlane is to white people as Tyler Perry is to black people.

    I’m pretty sure that Aaron Rodgers has been hit with so many sacks this year that Rick Santorum’s chin is getting jealous.

    Laying around on Saturday and Sunday is the closest I’ll ever come to playing college and professional football.

    Pick-up line sure to fail: My herpes are in remission.

    I knew my girlfriend was the one after I saw her yawn.

    You really have to hand it to blind hookers.

    An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away unless you forget to wear a condom and then you’ll have to see the doctor repeatedly for 18 years.

    Have you ever had your last beer of the night actually be your first beer of the morning?

    I have never sipped a beer in my life.  I’ve chugged, slammed, drank, and occasional thrown in my face.  BUT NEVER SIPPED!

    I hear McDonald’s is bringing back their Monopoly game.  It looks like I’ll have a 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize or obesity or type 2 diabetes or explosive diarrhea.

    Whenever there’s a gap in my posting on Xanga I’m usually doing something really cool like listening to my wine bubble and pop because it’s still fermenting.

    I hope the hell the doctor doesn’t put me on Viagra for any medical problems.  What the hell am I going to do with a boner?

    I wanted to change my Xanga password to “penis” but they said it was too short.

    #I #don’t #understand #the #purpose #of #hashtags #on #Xanga.  #Do #you #?

    Like sands through the hourglass so Xanga wastes our time.

    A recent study found that there is indeed no cure for stupid.  They spent months observing Xanga

    I’m having a Xanga meet-up on this post because I’m cheap and need eprops.  Rec and comment if you want to join the meet up.

    I never get dirty emails here on Xanga.  This is how I know I’m doing Xanga correctly.

    The secret to losing followers on Xanga is to be yourself.

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