October 17, 2012

• Motivation

  First Lady Gaga imitated Madonna’s music style.  Now she’s imitating Justin Bieber by throwing up on stage.  Hopefully she imitates Jimmy Hoffa next and disappears.

  How much caffeine do I have to drink before I become an immortal and gain a seat at Kolob?

  If I was a shark, I’d learn how to breathe on land and then go to a concert so I could attack crowd surfers.

  I like hanging out in front of grocery stores with a sign that says “Meat sale, Tube Steak 99 cents”. No one ever takes me up on the sale.

  Pick-up lines sure to fail: “If you like my beard, you’ll love my pubes.”  “If you were a hamburger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous.” “I saw some white dog poop today and it reminded me of your creamy white skin.”  “Where can I audition for the role of your body pillow?”

  If you throw a turtle shell at an Italian person do they get smaller?

  When I was younger I would sit on my hand until it was numb and then I would use it to accept candy from stranger.  This is what I always thought “The Stranger”was referencing.

  When God created the flammable stick it was a match made in heaven.

  Did you guys realize marijuana was illegal?

  Bars usually have 1 happy hour when drinks are cheap and the rest of the time is filled with sad hours when drinks are expensive.

  I sort of hate when girls stick out their tongues when taking pictures but it’s better than the stupid duck face or kissy face or fish face or the anal penetration face or whatever they’re calling it these days.

  I’ve ignored my Farmville for so long that they’re now growing cocaine and marijuana and the female workers are being pimped out.

  It’s so nice that my inner monologue keeps me company.

  I’m pretty sure the word “horny” is one of the worst sounds the vocal chords can produce.

  Today is an OK Computer on repeat all day kind of day.  If you disagree it may turn into a Vulgar Display of Power on repeat all day kind of day.

  Whichever candidate outlaws those E*trade baby commercials will get my vote.

  I was reading that you can’t be part of the CIA if you’ve illegally downloaded music.  This means that in 20 years the CIA will be operating out of the White House basement and will be staffed by four guys and a guinea pig.

  I splashed some clam chowder on my face this weekend.  Now I understand why girls don’t like it.

  My dad is big into psychics and all that nonsense.  He is always trying to book them at the casino.  He always gets that Sylvia Brown even though she’s been discredited and hasn’t been on TV since Montel’s show went off the air.  Anyway I was arguing with him and he claims that one of these psychics once told him that everyone has something called a shoulder guide. It’s something that sits on our shoulders and guides us in our decisions.  I said, “What, like our heads?”

  If you watched the VP debate without the sound on it looked like Paul Ryan was telling some pretty killer jokes…like his plans for America.  Also watching the debate is like watching an NFL game where they interview the second string quarterbacks and all they have to talk about is how they plan on holding the clipboard during the game.

  I think it’s adorable how they’re still holding presidential debates even though Kid Rock has already told us who to vote for.

  I hope Roger Daltry never gets dementia because if he goes around asking people “Who are you” then he’s going to get pretty annoyed when people respond, “Who who who who”.

  My favorite Bible passage is the one that says you have to share every Christian photo on Facebook or forward every single Christian email.  Also sharing every single political photo on Facebook doesn’t make you a pundit, it makes you a dick.

  I have a foolproof way to tell if I love a girl.  If I don’t hear R. Kelly’s “Bump and Grind”or “Ignition Remix” when I look at you then you aren’t the one.

  If you ever see a guy at Burger King whispering to the Coke Freestyle machine in a teary voice that he loves it.  Don’t be afraid to say hi to me.

  Some people call me a space cowboy and I assume they are either old or stoners.

  I want to fall in love with a gorgeous woman so we can settle down, make love under the starlight and have knock-down drag-out fights over which is better, gummi bears or gummi worms.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Also if I get married, I know I’m going to be on Maury somehow.  I don’t really want to have children so it looks like I’m going to have to put my wife in a cage.

  Since the dollar is losing value, I’ve thought about getting back into collecting Beanie Babies.  In related news, I plan on never having sex again.

  Ladies, bigger isn’t always better so stop with those huge sunglasses and thinking my penis isn’t adequate.

  Babies are so cute when they smile, laugh, sleep, and aren’t mine.

  When a woman says “come here” I never pay attention unless she’s pointing to her face or chest.

  I tend to have more manners than most guys.  I introduce myself before I stare at a girl’s boobs.

  Why do people say men suffer from premature ejaculation?  It’s the women who are suffering.

  I got a call from someone asking me to vote for Obama.  I said I would only if I got a cabinet position.  I said I’d like to be the Czarof Porn.  They hung up.

  I was reading the story of the time I got electrocuted trying to unplug a fan from an extension cord. I never did tell you the side effects of that fiasco.  My hair stands on end whenever there’s a thunderstorm and I ejaculate lightning. Wanna come over and see?

  They say history repeats itself so I guess that means the mullet will be popular once again and this means I’ll become Jack the Ripper.  I’ll rip off mullets from stupid heads whenever I see one.

  Drinking alone doesn’t prove you have a drinking problem.  Drinking alone proves you’re an adult responsible enough to live by yourself.

  The scariest part of Halloween is all the people who put way too much time into carving pumpkins. It’s a decorative gourd, motherfuckers!

  I find it strange that NASA executes dozens of difficult space missions a year and nobody cares but when some insane fucker falls out of the sky everyone shits their pants.

  Some women look angry when giving a blowjob.  It could be worse.  You could have a dick in your mouth.  Oh wait.

  The most popular girl in my high school class had the surname “Rimmer” but she wouldn’t get asked out on as many dates as the girl who had the surname “Hooker”.

  I delete typos because I hate mistakes.  I’m glad my parents loved theirs.

  October is great because it turns Xanga into a softcore porn site with the Save the Boobs campaign and Halloween party photos.

  Xanga is a social network, not a social life.  Make friends here and be nice to them just like you would to people in real life. You wouldn’t treat your real friends like how you treat people here, you piece of shit.  Also, get outside and get some air.

  My grandma is a cynical, racist, foul-mouthed woman who hasn’t been laid in 30 years so I thinking she’d be perfect for Xanga.

  Someone thought they were insulting me when they called me a Xangalebrity.  You should’ve seen the size of my erection.

  Do you want more people to follow you on Xanga?  Well do it like I do.  Be sexy as hell.

  I think half of the heart attacks in the world are caused by English teachers logging into Xanga and reading top blogs…yes I’m not well at grammar.

  If Xanga has taught me one thing it’s how to be totally socially inept.

  Thanks to Xanga, some of my friends are people I hope I never meet and pray I never will.  In other news I love my Xanga friends and some of you, well, I love more than friends.  I should just come out and name names but I’m too shy to say I like certain girls and ask them to convert to Mormonism so we can all get married.  Or we could just stay whatever religion you want because the Bible really never expressly forbade plural marriage.

  • 5:54 PM
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