October 25, 2012

• Motivation

  The best Bible passage is the one where Jesus talks about going to Hell for laughing at my posts.

  One of my biggest fears in life is that I won’t look attractive in my mugshot.

  I thought the only thing different about this debate was Mitt went with the blue tie and Obama went with the red tie.  I sort of was hoping one of them would wear a plaid or polka-dotted tie.  I always wonder what they say during the introductory handshake.  I have to believe that would be a good point for trash talk to throw off the other candidate.  “Why, yes, I did throw a hump into your mother this afternoon and she has me on my A game and how about trying to keep things real out there, my brotha.”  Obama looks so skinny and fragile and Romney looks so confident after demolishing the last moderator that he’s going to put his arm around Candy Crowley and start singing songs by the Osmonds.  These audience members are so nervous and are shaking just like me shaking my head every time these candidates give another boring and uninspiring answer.  The CNN undecided voter meter reminds me of a meter I use when listening to Insane Clown Posse albums.  These debates should have those pop-up bubbles from Pop-Up Videos but they’d have the facts from reliable sources.  It would be hilarious if Romney talked about his respect for women or gender equality by saying, “The President had an influential grandmother in his life, and I looked up to my 57grandmothers and loved each one equally, just like my grandfather did.”  An audience member brought up the dirtiest word among Republicans in the past 6 years, George Bush, and Romney couldn’t run away from that question fast enough and Obama better go tongue kiss her for bringing up the steaming pile of dogshit that Bush left him…once again.  He did a good job contrasting Romney and Bush where he made Bush look REASONABLE.  When the black guy asked why he should vote for Obama would it be controversial if Obama simply said, “Because I’m black?” Rush would probably have a problem with that.  It took two and a half hours of debating before Obama decided that maybe he should try to get himself re-elected.  If I was at one of those debates I would ask the most ridiculous questions of my opponent: “Is it not true that your religion says you have to eat kitten paws every Thursday for lunch?” or “Is it not true that you exercise by slapping babies in the face with an open hand if you can’t get to a gym?”  Imagine them having to deny those accusations, sort of like having to deny the accusations that you weren’t born in this country. It’s pretty wild to think that Romney would be the third-oldest President to ever be inaugurated if he’s elected.  He looks younger than half of the Presidents inaugurated at a younger age than he will be on January 20th.  I want to see a debate between Michelle Obama and Ann Romney over who wore the Pepto Bismal colored dress better.  You know if they really wanted to mix things up instead of having a third pointless debate, they should have the candidates speak at a rally held by the other candidate so Obama would speak at a Romney rally and Romney at an Obama rally and they wouldn’t notify the people ahead of time.  These debates are useless and somewhere there’s a prized pig that always picks the winner correctly by eating food off a certain plate and he’s just waiting for the cameras to come film him eating in his sty.  I kind of get that Obama won the debate because people on Facebook that are diehard conservatives gave up on Romney and were saying that nothing about this election mattered and they should just make voting like American Idol and of course the Obama supporters ignored his stammering and focused primarily on Romney’s errors and binders of women.  There was no winner of this debate.  The only loser was the American people because these are the only two viable choices we have.  It’s Bush Lite vs. Diet Bush.  Oh I forgot, the other winners of this election cycle is Hall & Oates.  They are getting so many royalties for their song “You’re Out of Touch”.

  This December will be the 35 anniversary of 12/27, the day the first death star was destroyed by the terrorist faction known as "the rebel alliance" (who have known connections to Al-Qaeda). Please show your support for all those brave soulslost in defense of the station with a minutes silence at 12.00 pm on 12/27/2012.

  I am always astonished that a Kid Rock song is being used for Mitt Romney’s campaign.  It’s not a bad song but I’d think that they’d get the young people more fired up with “Bawitdaba” and confuse all the old people but then they could go for shock factor with “Balls in Your Mouth”.  That would be the greatest thing to happen to America.

  I think the biggest mark of maturity is when you’re taking the SATs or ACTs and someone farts loudly during the middle of the test and you don’t laugh.

  Whenever I hear mariachi music, I want to: A) scream all the profanities B) eat all the Mexican food C) smash all the music instruments D)dance my fool head off E) buy all the earplugs F) All of the above

  These are supposed to be the best years of my life but I’m sitting on my ass eating Twizzlers and masturbating.

  President Obama has Morgan Freeman doing ads for him.  I think this race is now over unless Mitt Romney can get Tommy Lee Jones to start doing ads for him.

  I have so much on my mind but the one thing that’s taking up the most space and thinking is how come the racist terms “honky” and “cracker”fell out of style yet every other racist term remains?

  People often ask, “What is one part of your body you wish you could change?”  I always answer, “The part of my brain that stresses over and worries that I have physical imperfections.”

  I so wish there could be a Breaking Bad/ Breaking Amish cross-over.  It might happen since so many Amish make meth.

  Recently a very diminutive teacher said he didn’t appreciate all the “short” jokes I make.  I apologized and said that I assumed they all went over his head.

  You want proof that DARE doesn’t work?  Just look at the internet.

  If my birthday wishes come true then within a few weeks Yoko Ono will be dating a member of One Direction and then the band will split up.

  Have you ever found yourself typing something and then you starting thinking of something else and you subconsciously type out boobies cunnilingus boobies?

  I hate haunted houses. I think the worst place in a haunted house is the kitchen.  It gives me the crepes.

  Now that Lance Armstrong’s Livestrong bracelets are connected to using illegal drugs to make your job easier, I think I want to buy one.

  The best way to support your favorite music artist is to illegally download their music.

  I wonder what people did before instagram.  How did they see sunsets?

  I took a break from PS3 to mourn the loss of my friendBlueNinjaGunz69.  He’s failing 5^thgrade math and his parents are being dicks about not letting him play Madden until his grades improve.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I almost passed out in church yesterday when I saw a woman near my age bend over and her thong popped above the waistline of her pants.  I think I’m coming down with a bad case of the hornies.

  I think presidential elections were more fun when MTV would interview the candidates and ask if they preferred boxers or briefs.

  I only plan on voting this year because I’m obsessed with stickers.

  I’m making a Halloween costume out of Subway wrappers.  I’m just making a pair of shorts so I can go as a $5 footlong.

  A kid asked me if I had ever heard of Blink 182.  That’s sort of like asking your grandfather if he ever heard of Hitler.  Interestingly enough, both did songs about having sex with their grandfathers.

  It’s my theory that in movies and real life the orphans that sing the best always get picked first.

  All these years of practicing my autograph and now no one wants it.

  Opinions are like assholes. I’m OK with hearing yours as long as it’s during sex.

  Only in America do we complain about childhood obesity and give children who knock on our doors free candy.

  If you ever see me smiling at work you can assume I’m making animal shapes with my genitals under my desk.  "And now it's time for a giraffe."  "And now it's time for a tiger standing on its hind legs."  "And now it's time for a grizzly bear standing on its hind legs."

  Ladies, here’s the best pick-up line to use on fat guys if you like fat guys: “Hey, want to go to a buffet?”  That would so work on me…just dropping that out there for the dozens of you who have crushes on me.

  I’ve come to the conclusion that bras must be uncomfortable so you should probably ditch it about right now.

  I don’t know why people cry on another person’s shoulders.  Boobs are so much softer.

  They say a woman’s work is never done and that’s because a man will always be either horny or hungry.

  My girlfriend hasn’t spoken to me in a month.  I debated breaking up with her because she doesn’t talk to me but thought against it because girls like that are hard to find.  She told me her favorite sex position was called The Zombie.  She just lies back and lets me eat her.

  Want proof that women have worse taste in picking a partner than men?  Women have dated me and men haven’t.

  Whenever someone asks me if I am ticklish I say, “I have explosive diarrhea.”  I know it’s wrong to lie but at least I don’t squeal like a girl when I get tickled.

  Do you ever have that feeling that you have a lot of work to do but you don’t know where to start? That’s why I’m on Xanga.

  There’s always that one person on Xanga whose friend request you regret accepting but you just can’t delete them from your friendslist.  That person is most likely me.

  I can’t believe some of you think I have a girlfriend or wife.  If I did I wouldn’t be on Xanga this much.  I’d be out having threesomes and going to wine tastings.

  How many followers on Xanga do I need before I can classify myself as a cult?  In any case, you better stab yourselves or I’ll look like a bad cult leader.

  When one of my posts doesn’t get a lot of attention I remind myself that most of Kafka’s works didn’t receive attention until after he died.

  I’ve been debating whether or not to go to a Xanga meet-up.  I want to go because I’d like to meet people but then it might ruin the illusion that I have that a lot of these sites are run by two overweight 13 year old boys wearing Insane Clown Posse shirts.

  Xanga needs a Hall of Fame. We could honor all of those bloggers who used to be here and contribute and then once they are enshrined they can never come back.

  I didn't get this posted yesterday because I was up at 5:30 to get ready for a doctor appointment.  It was pretty much an all day affair.  I spent some time shopping and sitting on a bluff overlooking the Mississippi thinking about life, love, beer, and women's gymnastics.  I got home in the evening and watched Sons of Anarchy and then realized that before I could use my computer I needed to put a desk chair together since I gave mine to my mom because it has back support and her chair at work doesn't and I threw out my old one.  I did have a fun conversation and then went to bed.  Well that's boring so just do whatever you do here.

  • 2:37 AM
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