November 1, 2012

• Motivation

  Only in America do we complain about childhood obesity and give children who knock on our doors free candy.

  November 1^st is the day that the most photos are uploaded to the internet of the year. Who wants to see photos of my penis?

  It’s so gratifying trick-or-treating in Wisconsin. You spend all that time picking out a costume and working out only to have it so cold that you have to wear a coat over the costume.

  A poll revealed that candy corn is the least favorite of all Halloween candy handed out to trick-or-treaters.  The second least favorite was a tie between whatever R Kelly and Roman Polanski hand out.

  No trick-or-treaters came to my house because of Baptists protesting Halloween.  They didn’t accomplish anything other than helping me arrange a party at my house tomorrow.  Please come to my house for a diabetes party.  Oops...this was from last year.  I guess you caught on that I'm recycling jokes again.

  Does “No Shave November” include my pubes?

  November is Tongue Awareness Month.  It’s supposed to mean you are aware that your tongue is in your mouth and uncomfortable but in actuality it means that I have a tongue and it’s looking for work.  I’m looking for a lady who can provide benefits.

  My dick is like a ninja. Even when you can’t see it, you know it’s there.  He’s probably just hiding in my fat.

  If I ever became a porn star I’d take the name Rammington Steel.

  I was talking to someone today and he asked me if I liked The Big Bang Theory and I said that I didn’t. He then said, “Well it’s probably because there are a lot of smart jokes in there and only nerds understand that humor.” So is he saying I’m cool?

  I ate at Burger King on Tuesday.  I ate at a different Burger King yesterday and I’m pretty sure I’m going to eat at one tomorrow.  This is good because after the fourth visit I get a free stroke.

  You know why the other movies after Star Wars still had Star Wars in the name?  Because Star Peace is for pussies.

  Ted Nugent was upset by Apple releasing a smaller iPad so he is releasing a 20 by 14 inch tablet because he says Apple users are pussies.  He plans on calling his tablet the Wang Dang Sweet Poontang Screen Scratch Fever.

  I feel weird playing war video games like Medal of Honor because I know people who went through that shit in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Fake war games aren’t fun but then sometimes it is nice to try war simulators but “war simulator” sounds like a segment on FOX News.

  If you do a search on youtube for “middle school” everything to shows up in the search result is inadvertent comedy gold.

  It’s always rude to interrupt someone who is telling a story unless they start the story with “I always save my toenail and fingernail clippings because…”

  I don’t think I got that job because when the interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word I said “Bootylicious”.

  A recent Gallup poll revealed that people believe horses run really fast.

  I saw that President Obama voted early.  I wonder if he voted for himself or was convinced by a Romney ad to vote for Romney.

  The race for the Senate in Wisconsin is heating up.  I live near where Tommy Thompson comes from.  He used to buy his shoes from my family.  He was also a lawyer in this area.  I was driving past his old law practice and former home and saw Tammy Baldwin signs in the yards.  I thought that was pretty funny.

  I’ve been toying with the idea of death and what I want done with my body.  I want to be cremated for sure but I either want to be put in an etch-a-sketch or have the crematorium dump some nuts and bolts in the ashes to make people think I was a robot.

  Pick-up lines sure to fail: “My hands are cold.  May I warm them in your pants?”  “I’ve been feeling down lately so can I feel you up?”

  I’ve been asked by a family member that’s doing a scrapbook to find a photo of myself as young as possible. I gave her a photo of a sperm.

  I can’t wait until the X-Factor starts sucking and they make Demi Lovato and Britney Spears threaten each other with violence and murder just to improve ratings.

  Was Hitler really that bad of a guy?  He did kill Hitler after all.

  I wonder how far we are from having hurricanes named after products.  Like corporations would buy naming rights to hurricanes.  “And now our reporters are out braving the wrath of Hurricane Velveeta.”

  They are saying that the wind speeds in Manhattan are increasing hourly.  Here I just thought Donald Trump was outside giving a press conference.

  Hurricane Sandy drinking game: take a drink every time someone goes on a social media outlet and says they lost power.

  I hear that New Jersey has been spared from the path of Hurricane Sandy because the hurricane couldn’t break through the massive clouds of Axe body spray on the Jersey shore even though the shore is in the Emergency Situation because they are reporting that Hurricane Sandy is DTF.

  If they named the hurricane, Hurricane Tony Romo, there wouldn’t have been a touch down and the other weather patterns would’ve intercepted it.

  Mayor Bloomberg announced that people won’t have to evacuate New York City but if they are caught drinking a pop then they will be shot on the spot.

  Hurricane Sandy is set to hit New York by 6and will have a podcast by 8.

  Here’s a helpful tip to beat the hurricane, most flashlights and radios run on the same batteries that operate vibrators so if you can stop pleasuring yourself for five minutes then you can use them to navigate your house when the power goes out and keep abreast of any emergencies.  CNN reports that more batteries are sold for vibrators than flashlights.  You east coast ladies are all right.

  If this is a legitimate hurricane, don’t we have ways of shutting it down?

  Hurricane Sandy is what we get for not stopping Kony.

  9 months from now there will be a baby boom and there will be plenty of boys and girls with the name Sandy.

  It’s times like this time of tragedy when people focus on what’s truly important and that’s turning the disaster to favor their presidential candidate.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Women often talk about how it’s not fair that men get better looking as they age and women do the opposite. Well I don’t think it’s fair that women become cougars and men become creepy substitute gym teachers.

  I’m going to show up to houses drunk and naked this Halloween and tell everyone that I’m Randy Travis.  They don’t have to know I’m just up to business as usual.

  Nothing cheers me up more than knowing it could be worse like I could be Nick Nolte or one of the guys from Perfect Strangers.

  The best part of Halloween is being able to eat candy corn naked and not having anyone second guessing you.

  Women complain that all men want them for is sex.  That’s bullshit because we also want blowjobs and food.

  Answering the phone with “Obama campaign headquarters”really does cut down on calls.

  I hate how store employees say they are here to help but they always refuse to help me by looking at this weird growth underneath my ball sac.  It’s like I have a fourth one descending.

  Archeologists have found evidence that ancient Greek homes doubled as bars and brothels so this explains why fraternities and sororities have Greek names.

  If a girl ever asked me to go buy her tampons, I’d go to the store dressed up in a suit and tie just to show how classy I am.

  Speaking of stores, I don’t understand why I get strange looks when I walk around Walmart with a box of condoms, an axe handle, some lube, and a six pack of wine coolers in my cart.  Can someone please explain this to me?

  I was in Walmart this weekend and I had so many people asking for my help.  I sort of wondered why they were asking me.  Then I was sitting out near the entrance waiting for my parents and it hit me as people kept saying “hi” and “goodbye” to me.  I was wearing a blue hoodie so people were assuming that I worked at Walmart.  One woman came up to me and showed me her bag and asked for a sticker. I said I don’t give stickers and she was disappointed.  Then another person said hi to me and I didn’t respond.  They said I was the unfriendliest Walmart greeter ever.  I think I have anew title to put on my business cards.

  Whenever I hear someone say they are going to do something “Texas style” I imagine that means they are going to execute something mentally handicapped.

  Do girls still find it attractive when a guy sings “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” in a crowded bar?

  I blame people’s problems with not being able to distinguish between “were” and “where” on Twilight and the growing popularity of wherewolves.

  I was going to make a joke about how marijuana causes memory loss but I couldn’t remember it.

  There are few Xangans that I won’t name by name but I’m sure you know who I dislike by this point that are what it would look like if urinal cakes took on a human form.

  The difference between Xanga and Tumblr is the same difference as calling a girl cute or pretty.

  New Xanga motto contest…Xanga: Bring the Drama of the Outside World to Your Home Computer.

  Apparently there are new levels of dating: 1^stdate=kiss, 2^nd date=blowjob, 3^rd date=sex, 4^thdate=anal sex, 5^th date=tell your lover about your Xanga account and if they aren’t revolted then you’ve found true love.

  People often say that Xanga is like high school.  If I went to high school with as many horrible people there are on Xanga I would’ve burnt that place to the ground.

  Sometimes a typo in a post is the universe’s way of telling you that you suck and that your post is meaningles.

  Dance like no one is watching and post on Xanga like you need to be on a prescription for antipsychotic medicine.

  I just want all the people who have blocked me to know that blocking me won’t erase your repressed childhood memories or change your sexual lust for me.

  I think I probably should've avoided all the hurricane jokes but we need laughter in our healing.

  • 7:17 PM
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