November 5, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 11/2/12

  I was supposed to do this last night but many factors prevented me from posting.  I had to do some work for my parents because they are old and feeble.  Then I went out to a local diner for supper and then at home I decided to watch Breaking Bad DVDs.  I always forget to watch when it airs on AMC so I wait for DVDs.  I think I watched about 5 episodes last night. I was also having one awesome conversation via the text messaging.  I feel old when I say that.  Well anyway here's the round-up if you care for that sort of thing.

  
  

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Taylor Swift is no longer part of the Kennedy family.  She broke up with her boyfriend Connor Kennedy this week.  When asked why, Taylor's publicist said that Taylor wouldn't talk about the break-up but would only promote her new album.  Of course she's not going to talk about it because she's currently writing passive-aggressive songs for her next album.  Since it involves the Kennedy family maybe one of the songs will be about getting drunk and being plowed by brothers or in other words, a country song.  I could be a classic country song if she incorporated gigantic belt buckles, pick-up trucks and dogs.  I've seen too much of this chick on my TV.  I'm pretty sure she's ready to jump the shark because she's on water skis and the boat is revving its engine.  Also keep in mind that when she started dating Connor, he was only 17.  So not only is she clingy and creepy but she's also a perv.  Maybe she can get a show on Country Music Television and host Are You Hotter than an 11th Grader.  She can't seem to keep a man and like maybe like many others have suggested on Twitter and Tumblr, the problem isn't with the guys she dates but it's her.  Maybe it's because she looks like she's 12 and is about 5'11".  There are now reports that she's on to her next man, a singer named Ed Sheeran.  They worked together on one of her passive aggressive break-up songs on her last album so maybe he wants to be the focal point of a song on her next album as well.
  
  Tim Robbins is going to prison because he has too much free time on his hands.  He will be teaching acting classes to prisoners in Norco, CA.  You know it's funny, they execute prisoners in Texas including the mentally retarded but in California they teach prisoners to cry on cue.  Tim had this to say: "They're asked to do things they've never been asked to do in their life - open up emotionally, and put make-up on and costumes on, and pretend to be people. It's weird stuff. You never are encouraged to express your emotions in prison, and this class says it's okay to feel this kind of emotion, to respond with fear to a threat, to have empathy for someone that is constantly hostile. It's okay to laugh at the absurdity of a situation."  What the hell?  He can't get people to watch his bad movies so now he's teaching bad acting to convictions.  Something tells me that his method classes will be very popular when they get to the unit called, "How to Look Like You're Sorry at Your Parole Hearing".  Maybe when he's done teaching prisoners how to act he can teach Mahmoud Ahmadinejad comedic timing. 
  
  Russell Means recently passed away at age of 72 after a battle with cancer.  Means was an activist for the Native American people and was a member of the American Indian Movement.  He also helped the indigenous peoples of Central and South America.  He also was an actor and was in The Last of the Mohicans, Buffalo Girls, Natural Born Killers among many others.  I think the best contribution Means gave us was his book, Where White Men Fear to Tread.  Russell Means will be greatly missed.
  
  Does this look like the face of someone who had to have their stomach pumped because they ingested too much semen or did cocaine by putting it into suppositories?  Well it is for one of those stories.  Rod was on the hard hitting journalism show that is Katie Couric and finally answered the questions about the rumors.  The story goes that Rod was in San Diego and went into a gay bar that happened to be filled with sailors so he took them all out back and performed oral sex on all of them and he collapsed because he swallowed too much seamen semen and had to be rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.  I think I've heard that rumor for almost every teen male hearthrob.  Well Rod explained it that he had a publicist who was gay and the publicist did something terrible so Rod had to fire him.  Rod said that to exact revenge his former publicist released that rumor to a few agencies.  Now we just have the Richard Gere and gerbils rumor.  In his new book, Rod writes that he was never addicted to drugs but he did do them in creative ways.  Rod claims that his bandmate Ronnie Wood was addicted to coke but didn't want to hurt his nose so he and Rod started shoving the coke up their butts.  They put the coke into a suppository and inserted it.  Lindsay Lohan isn't impressed.  She can suck up coke with her butt from 100 meters away.
  
  Octomom's former nanny has decided to start spilling the beans about the secrets behind the walls of the Octopalace.  Octomom claims that her older children knew a little about how she made her money recently and they understood that she did a porn video.  The nanny, Gina B, claims that she caught Octomom's 11 year old son watching porn on his cellphone and it wasn't any porn, it was his mother's.  He was watching his mom's cat scratch fever video and the nanny claims Octomom didn't block the website but just told him to stay away from porn.  I thought it was bad enough walking in on parents having sex.  Just imagine his emotional scars.  I could imagine him getting pulled over by a cop for doing 150mph in a 25 zone, mowing down a basket of puppies, after robbing a medicinal marijuana dispensary in a stolen car that reeks of beer and playing a Carly Rae Jesperson song on the radio.  All he has to do is say, "I'm Octomom's son and I watched her jill off when I was 11."  The cop would say, "Have a nice night, sir.  Do you need a police escort anywhere?"  Octomom also entered rehab this week because her publicist claims she wanted to get off Xanga...oops I mean Xanax...same thing really.  The nanny claims that she's probably really going to rehab for alcohol addiction because Octomom routinely drinks liters of vodka mixed with cranberry juice every day.  In Octomom's defense, if I had 14 rugrats begging me for attention and food on a daily basis, I'd be fucked on more things besides Xanax and vodka.  You know what it's called when you have 14 kids and are addicted to Xanax?  It's called "Getting through the day."  If I had 14 kids, they'd be lucky to have the litterbox changed once a week.  I think she should get a parenting award for not going crazy or letting the Duggars adopt her kids.
  
  Madonna bought her daughter Lourdes an apartment on New York's Upper East Side for her 16th birthday.  That is so sweet because nothing is more entertaining than an absentee mother trying to buy her daughter's love.  Octomom should take note.  Imagine how many times she'd have to masturbate to pay for 14 apartments in New York City.  So Lourdes got an apartment for her birthday.  That reminds me of my 16th birthday extravaganza.  Just replace "getting an apartment from her mother" to "getting a handjob in a movie theater from my girlfriend during Happy Gilmore".  And like Lourdes, I was really happy with my present.  Madonna buying her daughter an apartment is just the rich person way of kicking her kid out of the house. She must have gotten sick of watching Lourdes bounce around her mansion singing Lady Gaga songs.
  
  Last week Michael Lohan attempted to stage an intervention for Lindsay.  She responded by getting a restraining order against him.  However the truth is it wasn't Michael who wanted to stage the intervention, it was Lindsay's management team.  Her manager, entertainment lawyer, and defense lawyer emailed Michael begging him to do something for her because they are worried for her health and well being.  So Michael Lohan and Lindsay's management are trying to stage an intervention to make her better but her mother Dina and the rest of the Lohan family are urging Meal Ticket Lindsay to get a restraining order.  And when she's not drinking or doing drugs, Lindsay is best known for thievery.  Apparently this week, Lindsay went on to the set of Scary Movie 5 and walked off with over $15,000 worth of clothing.  Maybe she thinks she's entitled to it like free soap at motels.  The producers just wrote it off as business expenses because when you hire Lindsay Lohan stuff turns up missing and that's to be expected. 
  
  Larry Flynt turned 70 this week and threw in his support for President Obama and even better he took out an ad in the Indianapolis Star to offer $1million to U.S. Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock if he is able to prove his ridiculous statement that "even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something that God intended to happen."  Here's some of Flynt's ad: "Please be kind enough to verify your claim for a wondering nation. I will accept for purposes of this reward any verifiable transcript of your personal conversations with God; letters, email, text messages or videos from God, or messages addressed to you from God transmitted by any third party, including the Republican National committee or the Romney/Ryan campaign.I assume that you would not have made this statement unless you had been authorized by God. No one who believes in God would ever use the Almighty’s name in vain. That would be blasphemy."  Yeah, he's a smart one.  God bless him but is there a difference between this and what Donald Trump has done with the president?
  

  
  Back in September, Tina Simpson filed for divorce from her husband of 34 years, Joe.  She cited irreconcilable differences and those differences being penis.  Joe got the family together including Jessica and Ashlee and told them that he is gay and has been seeing a 21 year old guy.  Hmmm...he has frosted tips, is worried about his weight, laughs about his daughter's boobs...I don't know why I didn't see this before.  A family friend said that Jessica is devastated because she thought she had good gaydar because she has a lot of gay friends.  Seriously?  Gaydar?  Ashlee is also heartbroken because she has been asking if he knew he was gay then why did he stay married so long.  That is a fair question.  One of the reasons why Joe decided to come out is that his boyfriend has been going around bragging about his exploits with Joe because he wants to become famous.  I swear, you can't have a secret gay affair anymore without someone trying to take advantage of you.  It's starting to become a Tiger Woods shitstorm because a few male escorts are coming out of the woodworks and telling how they had affairs with Joe as well.  Tina first found out Joe was gay when she found "modeling" photos of men all over their house and she pried out a confession in the lobby of a New York City hotel.  Poor Pastor Joe.  I wonder when the Lifetime Movie will come out starring Lindsay Lohan as the escort.
  
  In 2005, after Daniel Craig was introduced as James Bond, Jamie Foxx announced that James Bond should be black so he could play the character.  Well Bond producers are meeting with Idris Elba in talks that he play the next James Bond when Craig's five film deal is done.  Elba has had so badass roles like Luther, Stringer Bell, and Charles Miner.  I think it also makes sense since Elba is a London native.  First off, if you've never seen "Luther", do so immediately, and second, there really is no second.  A lot of James Bond purists or racists say that James Bond can only be white and that James Bond is British so he can only be played by Brits and Scots.  Just remember Shrek is a 9 foot tall ogre yet was played by a 5'4" Canadian.  I always figured that James Bond wasn't a person but was just the name of the level that agent had attained.  Think about it.  Why has James Bond never seemingly aged but Judi Dench's M has gotten older and don't make me mention Q.  I guess the adding "color" to films is OK but do we want Shaft to be played by Sasha Baron Cohen or Martin Luther King Jr. by James Franco?
  
  George Lucas sold his Lucasfilms to Disney this week for a cool $4billion and Disney announced that in 2015 they would release a new Star Wars movie beginning the final trilogy.  I have mixed emotions with this.  I think it's going to be rotten because Disney will merchandise the shit out of the movies and include singing birds and mice but then I think that was Lucas' intent with Jar Jar Binks.  Then part of me thinks this could be the greatest thing ever because Disney could bring in the best minds to write the movie and direct it.  Lucas also announced that he was planning on donating all the money from the sale to educational charities.  Great, if he donates that to schools you know they'll have to stop teaching American history and replace it with Galactic Empire History and Spanish will be replaced with whatever the hell language Jar Jar Binks speaks.  Me-sa not gunna like-a dis!
  
  As if George Clooney needs another line to use on chicks in order to get laid!  Researchers at Ancestry.com discovered that George is a half cousin to Abraham Lincoln.  Hmmm half-cousin?  In the British royal family that term is interchanged with "marriage material".  Researchers were tracing Lincoln's lineage for the upcoming movie and they noticed correlation between names and places in Lincoln and Clooney's family trees.  They shared a common ancestor in Lucy Hanks, Lincoln's maternal grandmother.  Apparently this makes Clooney his half-cousin 5 times removed.  The researchers also noticed other similarities between Clooney and Lincoln.  Both are excellent writers (if you can call Leatherheads "excellent") and advocates of human rights and both can grow decent beards.  WTF?  All I got from this is that the chances of Clooney running for public office are now greater.  I already imagine that his opponents attack ads will say that he once robbed a casino in Las Vegas with Brad Pitt and he unsuccessfully managed a plastics factory in Landford, IL and was a doctor who didn't play by the rules in Chicago.  Do you really want a thief in Congress?  Wait a second...
  
  Gene Hackman may be 82 years old but he's still a badass and you don't want to mess with him especially not by calling his wife a cunt.  A homeless man approached Gene and his wife Betsy as they left a restaurant in Santa Fe, NM this week.  The homeless guy started yelling at Gene and Gene yelled back.  Then the hobo made the mistake of calling Betsy a cunt.  As soon as the word left his tongue, the streets of Santa Fe cleared like in the old time western movies.  Gene walked up to Gene and slapped him in the face.  The hobo called the police but the police didn't arrest Gene because they said he slapped out of self-defense.  I am now going to tell any girl I am interested in that I will slap the shit out of any homeless guy that calls them a cunt to prove to them that I love them.  But then this just proves Gene is a crazy old man.  He could've bought off the homeless guy with $200 and a happy meal and then flew him to a private island and hunted him for sport because from all the movies I've seen that looks like a blast.
  
  In case you were wondering, Charlie Sheen is still being Charlie Sheen.  He's back to smoking crack and buying new vaginas for prostitutes.  An insider told RadarOnline: "For at least the last eight months or so Charlie has been having a quarter to half an ounce of cocaine delivered to him every single day and was spending nearly $2,000 a day on drugs. Sometimes he'd even get two to three quarters of cocaine in one day."  The insider also described how Charlie is buying hookers and he took a fancy to one girl.  She was having insecurities about her vagina so Charlie bought her vaginal rejuvenation surgery.  Apparently she went from a "O" to an "o".  That poor girl probably did whatever she could to revitalize her stale cookie.  She probably tried hanging one of those pine tree air fresheners over it with the new car smell.  Then she probably put a new coat of paint on it.  Then had it resurfaced.  Then called Extreme Makeover Home Edition but nothing worked.  But good old Charlie Sheen stepped to the plate.  Since cheap ass Oprah stopped giving things away for free Charlie had to fill the vacancy.  You're getting a new pussy.  You're getting a new pussy.  And a free hoo-ha for you!  But this again!  The first time Charlie lost it it was sort of funny to hear him ripping his TV boss and mocking that shitty show and he did bang some hot broads like they were going out of style.  Now it's sad.  Charlie Sheen isn't a rebel without a cause and he isn't a tortured artist walking the fine line between genius and madness.  Charlie is just a crackhead doing whatever crackheads do when they come into money.  But Veteran's Day is coming up so maybe we should remember all Charlie has done for our country in war movies.  Maybe all his actions are because of his emotional scars from all the action he saw in various combat zones.
  
  A while back a woman filed a police report claiming that she went on a date with Cee Lo Green and that he bought her a drink and she blacked out and the next thing she knew was that they were both naked in his bed.  She wasn't from L.A. so she filed a police report with her local police department and they did a bait call.  They record a conversation where Cee Lo admitted to the woman that he gave her MDMA to make sex more enjoyable.  He didn't say they had sex.  The woman claims the assaults began at a restaurant and police have investigated but Cee Lo remains a free man.  Maybe this is why he will no longer be on The Voice after this season.  His lawyers are spinning it to make the woman look like she's only after money and fame.  Cee Lo doesn't need to sexually assault anyone. He could have any woman on earth -- even if he wasn't famous . . . wait, that's Cee Lo?  Oh who am I kidding, he's George Clooney compared to me.
  
  This is Camilla Belle.  She may be dating the most famous virgin in the NFL, Tim Tebow.  She once dated the famous virgin Joe Jonas.  She must have the most impressive vibrator collection on earth.  Tim and Camilla were spotted in a Jacksonville nightclub holding hands and touching each other lovingly.  Touching each other lovingly?  Does that mean dry humping?  Because dry humping isn't sex and dry humping isn't forbidden.
  
  Axl Rose announced that he is currently working on a new album with his current line-up of Guns N Roses.  He claims that everyone in the band is working on songs and pieces for the album.  He also insists that the 15 year delay between "The Spaghetti Incident" and "Chinese Democracy" wasn't his fault but the fault of the music industry.  All this being said, expect the next Guns N Roses album to released in time for Christmas in 2032.
  
  It was announced this week that Anderson Cooper's daytime TV show was going to be canceled at the end of its second year on TV.  I guess that makes sense.  Why would people want to watch him go tanning with Snookie?  He should just stick to giggling while reading the news, right @Peridot21 ?
  
  An article in the magazine In Touch claims that Amanda Bynes was spotted by multiple witnesses walking into a tanning salon lobby completely naked.  God...she IS crazy.  Doesn't she know tanning can cause skin cancer?  The magazine claims Amanda bought a specific tanning package and was all set to go but didn't get goggles so she walked to the lobby in the buff to get a pair of goggles.  Witnesses claimed she seemed out of it and didn't realize there were other people there and was rubbing her fingers all over the walls.  God, I love Amanda Bynes. Her free fall to Crazytown is gonna leave one hell of a crater; an amazing feat because unlike the phony attention whores, Amanda is legitimately losing it. Remember old ladies Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian? Those "leaked" porn tapes were professionally recorded and edited. Sure, Britney Spears had an epic meltdown, but I noticed that the gurney used to cart her to the rubber room was awfully comfortable meaning that whole episode had to be fake.  I bet Lindsay actually has water in those bottles she's always carrying.  So how does Amanda top it?  PUBLIC NUDITY!  I'm surprised none of the people at the tanning salon didn't snap photos of her snapper.  If anyone did, please contact me and if your photo is real I'll send you an autographed photo of myself because some think that my photo is worth more than cash.  Well in the article, In Touch called Amanda "troubled".  Amanda responded to the claims in Us Weekly by saying, "I'm suing In Touch for printing a fake story. I'm not 'troubled.' I don't get naked in public. I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy."  We should all use that line on a daily basis.  No, not that I'm 26 or a multi-millionaire or retired although I do sit around in my underwear and yell at people.  The next time I get a phone call saying I'm late on a bill I'm going to say, "I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, and retired.  Please respect my privacy."  It works on so many levels.  I also believe Amanda when she says she wasn't naked.  No, she was wearing a cloak that she created with her mind because 26 year old retired multi-millionaires have those kinds of powers.

  Halloween Section (plus a little more):
  
  Sandra Bullock and her son Louis went as characters from Toy Story.  Can we get a collective "AWWW"?
  
  Neil Patrick Harris and his family went as the cast of the Wizard of Oz.  Can we get a collective, "AWWW"?  Some people do Halloween right and then some people...
  
  Paris Hilton was out this week and who saw her costume coming but everyone.  She dressed as a slut for Halloween.  When asked what her Halloween costume was supposed to be, Paris answered, "What?  It's Halloween?"
  
  Miley Cyrus went trick or treating with Evan Peters from American Horror Story.  Miley was supposed to be a 90s era hooker or the character Julia Roberts played in Pretty Woman.  It was hard to tell that Miley was in a costume because that's about what she usually wears to go grocery shopping.  Did you know Miley still makes music?  Well she does and a new song she is working on will feature porn star Jessie Andrews in the video.  Miley begged for Jessie to be cast in the video.  And of course all her little fans had to look up who that was.  I can imagine a lot interesting reactions to Jessie's...portfolio...ahem.  I also can imagine confusion on the set when people ask Miley where Jessie is and she says she doesn't know then goes in the bathroom and puts on a wig and comes out and says, "Here I am everybody.  I'm Jessie Andrews."  Hey, it worked for Hannah Montana.  They do look alike...kinda sorta.
  
  Lady Gaga went as weed for Halloween.  Well OK.  Also this week she said this: "I was acutely aware of some photos on the internet – my mum called me and was like, “Did you gain weight?” – everybody was telling me about it, and I didn't really care. But when I heard it was on the news, where they talk about wars, the economy crashing and the election – I just thought, ‘This is f*cking ridiculous.’ I mean, what kind of example is that to a young girl sitting at home? I thought, well I don’t really care if they think I’m fat, because, quite honestly, I did gain about 30 pounds. Adele is bigger than me, how come nobody says anything about it? She’s so wonderful and I think her confidence is something I have to match. She has set the bar very high for a lot of woman. I need to be a confident woman and just say politically active things when I can that are helpful to young people."  So maybe she needs to gain more weight.  I don't know.  She probably also should've said "Adele's talent is bigger than mine."  I bet Gaga forgot the time her Little Monsters took to Twitter to make fat jokes at Adele's expense or the time Gaga's cuntiest fan Karl Lagerfeld said Adele should lose weight.  I guess all that slipped her mind but that's excusable because her head is so far up her ass and that tends to cause memory loss.
  
  Kim Kardashian was dressed as a mermaid The World's Deadliest Snatch for Halloween.
  
  Kris Jenner dressed as Wonder Woman for Halloween but Wonder Woman never pimped out her children to anyone who rubbed money or a check under her nose.  Wonder Woman also didn't have nip slips.  I think this photo perfectly sums up the Kardashian Klan, you get naked on camera and sell stripper clothes at Sears because it's empowering.
  
  Katy Perry went as Jane Lane from the cartoon Daria.  Jane Lane is the BFF of Daria and Katy's real life BFF Shannon Woodward went as Daria.  How cool is that?  OMG!  Totally!  I think they need to bring back Daria since they brought back Beavis and Butthead.
  
  Jessica Simpson was a, well I'm drawing a blank.  She's lost 60lbs in 5 months and looks sexy in whatever it is she's supposed to be.  I'm guessing Sexy German Girl who Lives in the Alps and Yodels to Tell Her Grandfather that Supper is Ready.
  
  Jenny McCarthy's birthday and Halloween are on consecutive days.  She turned 40 this year and she celebrated in Las Vegas and when that happens we get the perfect storm of costume that displays the true power of her rack.  I'm trying to figure out what she is supposed to be.  I'm thinking it's Sexy Autism Scientist.  If she wore this when speaking about autism being a government conspiracy there's a good chance I might say, "Wow, that's neat, tell me more."
  
  One of my favorite parts of Halloween in doing these Celebrity Round Up is the parties Heidi Klum threw.  She would basically change her costume every hour and so many of her costumes were over the top except this kitty.  That's just...rawr.  Heidi canceled her annual Halloween party this year.  I think she figured it would be difficult to throw a party without any electricity in New York City.  I think she probably should of canceled it when she traded her husband Seal's dick for her bodyuard's dick but then I'm old fashioned.  She is toying with the idea of having a haunted Christmas party.  Why not?  It will just pissed all the people who have sticks up their butts about "Happy Holidays". 
  
  Deryck Whibley (left) is a member of a band called Sum 41 but I think he gained more fame because he is the ex-husband of Avril Lavigne.  He went as Avril for Halloween and that is his current girlfriend Ari Cooper dressed as Chad Kroger, Avril's current husband.  Deryck posted this photo on his Twitter and Chad Kroger saw it and responded "Hey Deryck loved the costumes!  We were going to dress up as you guys this year but all the parties had celebrity themes haha! -CK"  This is a fight between a Canadian douche and a Canadian douche who are basically fighting over a Canadian douche and all of them make shitty music.  You can't choose a side because they are all douches.
  
  Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden were spotted celebrating Halloween.  I think Doug is supposed to be some sort of elevated opinion of oneself and Courtney is a sexy unicorn.  You'd be smiling if you were Doug and knew what that unicorn horn would be used for later on that night.
  
  Christina Aguilera is MUY CALIENTE!  I really don't know what her costume was.  I assume she went as herself for Halloween.  I'm more interested in her current piece of manmeat.  I think he's supposed to be Sir Golddigsalot.
  
  Chris Brown had an awesome costume.  He and his friends went as terrorists.  I should've dressed up like a soldier and shot all of them.  I have always thought that to be a singer you had to not be tone deaf or stupid and he's both.  Maybe next year he can go as a hurricane or a dead guy that has washed up after drowning in a hurricane or some other culturally insensitive costume like...
  
  Aubrey O'Day showed why I detest Halloween.  People think it's their right to dress in something like this.  I just absolutely detest people who think that because it's Halloween it's OK to wear anything they want except blackface.  Why is that wrong but this acceptable?
  
  Adrianne Curry went as the girl from The Fifth Element for Halloween and she then posted this photo on Twitter because Adrianne is really good at Twitter.  This is bad.  Adrianne used that costume a few years ago and she's recycling it but then I suppose it's hard to find sexy nerdy costumes for Halloween.  I just hope she finds something new that's a little less prudish.
  
  And we end this week's installment with Coco because...COCO!  Is there nothing her ridiculous body can't do?  Well it probably shouldn't have been attempting to report about Hurricane Sandy this week.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 12:28 AM
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