November 7, 2012

• Motivation

  Vote for me!  I’m full of shit but I admit it!  I have inhaled!  I wear boxer briefs!  Taxes! I’m GodfatherofGreenBay and I approve this message.

  Sit down and give your mind a rest.

  I sometimes get upset when I go to XHamster and see that it still isn’t filled with videos of extreme hamsters skateboarding and skydiving.

  I’m fairly certain that if cats could talk all they’d say are lines from famous movie villains.

  Studies find that when you show young children a photo of Barack Obama, a photo of Mitt Romney, and a photo of Spongebob, most parents will scream, “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CHILD! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?”

  Disney bought Lucasfilms and apparently they are going tore-release Star Wars: A New Hope and it will contain more singing birds and no one will shoot first and everything will be worked out in a song and dance number.  And if I was a betting man, I’d bet Disney would cast Michael Cera or Zac Efron as Luke Skywalker.  Disney could’ve waited until after the hurricane to announce it bought Lucasfilms. We don’t need two tragedies at the same time.

  I’ve been toying with a blog that is nothing but photos of fat guys in baseball hats.  Gratuitous GPOYs to follow.

  My rap career never took off because I lost a rap battle to a Walmart greeter on an oxygen tank.

  Taylor Swift’s publicist said that Taylor won’t be talking about her break-up with Connor Kennedy.  Nope, she’ll just write a bunch of passive aggressive songs about it for her next album.

  Ending classes with a re-enactment of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s “I’m an idiot” speech in Boogie Nights sounds like a good idea, but it’s not.

  I’m pretty sure Romney and Obama are praying that Grumpy Cat with Bad News Brian as his running mate doesn’t enter the race

  I’m working on getting my doctorate just so when I order take out I can have it delivered to Dr. Godfather and when they hand me the pizza I can sniff it and say, “MMMM just what the doctor ordered.”

  It was bad that the New York City marathon was canceled but it was good for three Kenyan runners that were signed by Rex Ryan to be in a super-secret wildcat formation for the New York Jets. It’s so different that they have Tim Tebow playing guard or backfield judge.

  It’s also a shame they canceled the race because now all those who trained to run have to settle for is being alive and healthy.

  You know if CSI was set in 1990 they would’ve had an opening like this: “This kid looks like he fell to death attempting to jump off a brick wall and onto a car.”  “Well, I guess Parkour Luis can lose.”  YEAH!

  I wonder if someone ever gets pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving they can get off by telling the cop that they were driving ironically.

  I wonder how long it will be before Hollywood makes a Hurricane Sandy movie.

  You think No Shave November is easy?  Try No Bathe November.  It harkens back to the Elizabethan Days where everything was so much better.  Sigh…I was born in the wrong century.

  I’m fairly certain that farts are just evil spirits leaving our body because we eat certain foods that they can’t stand.

  I like watching the Dallas Cowboys play because even when sitting at home there’s always a chance I could catch a Tony Romo pass.

  I was having a conversation with my mom about a soup supper at my church and she was trying to tell me that she had to deliver soup to a person.  I asked who and she answered,“Kathy Prees.”  I didn’t know who this person was so I asked where they live and my mom said, “Oh come on you know where Kathy Prees lives.”  I said I didn’t and she said, “you used to make bike ramps in the backyard.”  I made bike ramps everywhere when I was a kid.  “Kathy Prees lives up the block from where we used to live.  You have to know where Kathy Prees lives.”  I finally lost it and yelled, “I don’t know any Kathy Prees so how the hell am I supposed to know where Kathy Prees lives?”  “I wasn’t saying ‘Kathy Prees,’ Matthew, I was saying ‘Catholic priest’.”  Well that makes sense now.  I need to start looking for hearing aids.

  I just accidentally took a daytime cold medicine instead of a nighttime cold medicine.  I’ve had three cups of coffee, it’s 225 miles to Chicago,I’ve got a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark outside and I’m wearing sunglasses.  It’s time to get weird.

  Whenever you talk to someone who is attractive, the chances you do something stupid multiply by 100.

  Papercuts are the last act of vengeance committed by trees.

  Why is it that people want a piece of cake after someone has blown and spit on it?

  A study found that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has an 89% approval rating.  Only two people have higher ratings, Abraham Lincoln with 91% and Jesus with93%.  I wonder if this means that many years from now people will deny that Aaron Rodgers existed.

  I conducted a research study with a group of astrophysicists and we determined that the earth does not revolve around my ex-girlfriend.

  Do you know that look women get right before they have sex?  Yeah, I don’t either.

  I have a huge money making idea.  I’m going to invent a remote control that will find my other lost remote controls. Who am I kidding?  I’d lose that one too.

  I have another big money making opportunity.  I want to make an ice cream sandwich that doesn’t make your fingers look like you’ve been playing with your own feces after you eat it.

  I’m going to write the memoirs of my childhood but I’m going to make it all about bounce houses and hitting homeruns in little league.

  An apple a day keeps the doctor away or in my case three apples a day keep my hemoglobin levels higher than those of a five year old.

  The best part of having hardwood floors is that you can put on socks and pretend you are ice skating. The worst part of having hardwood floors is that I can no longer feel my legs after that last fall.

  I think after Tuesday, Electoral College will take the number one spot in the BCS rankings.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I’m writing in Teddy Roosevelt’s name and when you complain about me not voting for a living candidate I let loose my candidate on you so he can feast on your flesh.

  I find it amazing how much Canadians know about our election.  Cheers to you, Canadians.  I really should find out what Prime Minister Gretzsky and Vice Prime Minister Lemieux are up to these days.

  I’m not Democrat or Republican.  I’m an American and I want the best person for this country and none of this fucking bickering.  You should want the same.  If you keep whining about politics and saying you’re going to move to Canada, THEN MOVE!  They can tolerate whiny assholes better than Americans.  But I'd like to hear you conservatives rationalize their socialized medicine and legalized gay marriage.

  Who do you think will be on Dancing with the Stars first:Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Mitt Romney, or Paul Ryan?

  Obama’s a socialist. He’s very social.  We talked on the phone for hours talking about girls, beer, and homework.

  Honestly, I’m more interested in early drinking than early voting.  I have to get to the bottom of this rumor that liquor can be sold on Election Day while the polls are open.

  It’s not considered drinking alone if you do it sitting in front of a mirror.

  I hate how people think people have foodstamps handed to them on silver platters.  If their poor and on foodstamps they probably can’t afford silver platters.

  When people say they have blind optimism it’s because they can’t see how shitty their life has become.

  I was talking to guy who was a foreign exchange student at my high school back in the day.  He said he’s not like most Germans.  I asked, “Oh so you’re not into poop porn any more?”

  If you commit suicide you’ll live to regret it.

  If vegans and vegetarians love animals so much then why do they keep eating all their food?

  I was at the gas station and the clerk said, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s this dark already.” REALLY?  YOU CAN’T?  It’s not like this phenomena happens every single year at this time.

  The real reason Applebee’s is offering free meals to veterans on Veterans’ Day is because they’re trying to help the veterans that are having a difficult time transitioning from MRE’s to real food.

  Things never end in Ethiopia because there are no singing fat ladies.

  If I looked like Tim Tebow I wouldn’t be a good Christian.

  Everyone is gifted but not everyone opens the package at the same time.

  A friend of mine told me that he likes to pleasure himself while thinking of his wife in the shower. I replied, “Good to know I’m not alone.”

  Being popular on Xanga is like sitting at the popular table in a mental hospital.

  One thing I’ve noticed is that when people on Xanga say they’re posting links to their nudes but they don’t link to actual nude pics.  So here’s a shout-out to all the people that actually link to their nude pics.

  Xanga is pretty much like masturbation.  You are here to please yourself and if others like what you do then that’s even better.

  If you’re new to Xanga then I have some advice for you…LEAVE!

  When I see someone has unfriended me on Xanga, I get pissedo ff and say, “Fuck that loser” but then I read the post where I talked about soaking my girlfriend’s tampons in horse tranquilizers to keep her mellow during her period and then I’m saying, “Yeah, I feel you.  I’d unfriend me too.”

  Get ready Xanga, we are now entering the time of the year when I become irrationally livid with anyone who lives in a tropical or subtropical climate.  It snowed today.

  A recent study revealed that the thing that brings people closest together is the mutual hatred of a third party.  Ladies, email me which Xangans you hate and I’ll see if we match up or you can just do the old-fashioned thing and send me nude photos.

  Now people who are addicted to Xanga can log off from their home computer, walk to their car, log back on to Xanga while they go to work.

  You do realize that in the time it took you to read this that somewhere in the world a teenage boy was caught masturbating by his mom.

  And that is why you never run a race against a Kenyan.

  • 5:42 PM
  • 41 Comments