November 10, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 11/9/12

  I got more wine bottles today but I can't bottle the hard lemonade because my corks don't work with the bottles.  Who knew trying to make my own booze could be so frustrating?  I was going to go to Walmart but it's too late and the deer are running and I was told that if I go at night I'll die.  All good reasons to avoid Walmart.  I guess it's time for the round-up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Scarlett Johansson got a tattoo this week and believe it or not she wasn't in prison and didn't trade cigarettes or a blowjob in the shower for it.  Remember when celebrities had a lot of money and they spent it on weird things like dinosaur skulls and Superman comic books?  Why can't they do that again?  Why are they all out getting tattoos?  Here's an up close look at it.  While in Paris over the weekend, she got a horseshoe with the words "Lucky You" around it. "Actually, horseshoes isn't so much about luck as it is about the proper throwing form, which can be developed through practice and repetition," said the guy who totally misses the point.  Maybe she got kicked by a mule and that's imprint it left.
  
  Sally Field turned 66 this week.  I remember seeing her in syndication in episodes of Gidget and The Flying Nun.  She was so adorable.  She still is rather good looking in her current show Brothers and Sisters.  She's also in the new Lincoln biopic which actually came out this weekend.  I should be in the theater but you get to read this so you better leave eprops.
  
  Doris Roberts turned 87 this week.  I think she'll be one of the most popular TV moms in TV history.  I went to look at what other work she's done and she has an impressive resume...All in the Family, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Mary Hartman Mary Hartman, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and Grandma's Boy.
  
  Last week I wrote about how Miley Cyrus wanted porn star Jessie Andrews cast in her new music video.  Well the good people at Sex.com took it upon themselves to offer Miley $1million to star in a girl on girl film with Jessie Andrews.  What they plan on doing is making a remake of her music video but have it star Miley and Jessie and include more sex.  Miley Cyrus already went to a salon recently and asked for "the lesbian", so there's a pretty good chance she'll say yes. But ask yourself, do we really want four more years of Miley Cyrus?Miley has been doing a lot of crazy stuff to make sure her boyfriend/fiance doesn't leave her so I wouldn't put it past her to do this so maybe he'll hint that he'll leave her if she doesn't do it.  When asked about the movie offer, Billy Ray responded, "Smiley gettin' a dang ol' mill-yun bucks for bein' in a cooter eatin' sex movin' pitcher show? Pass me the lube, ma!"  Personally I doubt it would happen since Miley made an estimated $21million last year and is worth an estimated $120million.  That's like a Starbucks barista leaving her $15k/yr job to do a one time porn movie for $800.
  
  Last week, Michael Bay denied a rumor circulating the internet that Mark Wahlberg would be starring in Transformers 4.  This week Michael Bay confirmed that Mark Wahlberg would be starring in Transformers 4.  Bay has come to like Wahlberg while working together on Pain and Gain.  Bay had this to say, "Mark is awesome. We had a blast working on Pain and Gain and I'm so fired up to be back working with him. An actor of his caliber is the perfect guy to re-invigorate the franchise and carry on the Transformers' legacy."  I bet Wahlberg got the job the same way Megan Fox got her role in the Transformers movies, by washing Michael Bay's Ferarri wearing a two piece bikini.  So the worst actor of our generation is going to be in a movie directed by the worst director of our generation.  SWEET!  I can't wait until it's number one at the box office because 'MURIKA!
  
  It's not like we've seen Lindsay Lohan naked a million times before but here is a photo from her new shoot with Bryan Adams for his book Exposed.  You know, whether you're Democrat or Republican or one of those Green Party people, it's nice we can all come together for boobs.  God bless America.  Remember when she rear-end that 18 wheeler on the Pacific Coast Highway and then told police she wasn't driving?  Well she lied, she was driving.  She's being charged with lying to police which is a misdemeanor which is something you don't want to happen when you're on probation.  I bet she's in trouble this time for the 42nd time.  Also, witnesses say there were pills scattered everywhere on the ground and in her truck.  They can't charge her for the pills because she had proper documentation.  What?  From her doctor, Dr. Pepper?  Lindsay is said to be adamant that she wasn't driving and is worried she'll go back to jail especially because Judge Stephanie Sautner made it clear she would violate her probation if she breaks the law again.  She is worried that one accident could ruin everything and that she's been doing a good job following the law since her no contest plea in the jewelery heist case.  Yes, she's been doing good.  She's only had one hit and run.  And only a couple run-ins with the police.  And stealing $15,000 worth of clothes from the Scary Movie 5 set.  And being a suspect in another felony heist.  And that $46,000 hotel bill she walked out on.  Nope, she's been obeying the law to a tee.  Lindsay Lohan?  No, it's more like Mother Theresa.  You may want to sit down for this but she has also shit all over any publicity for her new movie.  Lohan was scheduled to do an interview with Barbara Walters but backed out after finding out which way Walters wanted to take the interview.  Lindsay really doesn't need to promote this movie because it will be the highest-rated Lifetime movie ever made. Mostly because people will want to point to the screen and laugh. Especially when Elizabeth Taylor buys a Winnebago so she can cook her famous meth White Diamonds.
  
  Kate Upton did a photoshoot for Vogue Italy and this is what she wore.  This is so weird but I'm wearing that same exact outfit.
  
  The makers of the Sex in Her Shitty and the JHo love dolls announced that they were releasing a Justin Bieber sex doll.  This holiday season the sounds of the season will be moaning and water sloshing around in rubber rain boots when the Beliebers lose their virginity to this sex doll.  Here's the product description: "Meet Just-In Beaver, the barely legal boy-toy who’s waited 18 long years to stick his lil’ dicky in something sticky! When he’s not busy beating up paparazzi or beating off, he’s up to his high-tops in hot Hollywood tail! But the Beave-ster doesn’t have this effect just on women — he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off! So what are you waiting for, inflate this lil’ pricks’s ego even more and have your very own Beaver bash!"  Just like the real thing, you need a bike pump to inflate it's dick.  I don't know who is going to buy this but if you are you better act quickly because I hear Perez Hilton has ordered 200.
  
  Justin Bieber was a performer at the Victoria's Secret show this week.  I was surprised Selena Gomez let him go.  She's probably at home with the blow-up doll because it probably has the same personality as Justin Bieber as well and she probably gets more satisfaction from the doll.  Looking at this photo you can almost tell the exact moment Bieber goes through puberty.  People are saying that Justin and Selena have broken up because Justin was backstage at the show and was asking various models for their phone numbers. He apparently scored one phone number and that was Barbara Palvin because they were spotted around New York together later in the week. Even if any of the most beautiful women in the world were interested in a skinny, allegedly virginal teenager there is no way they would have gone for it. All of the single ones probably spent the evening hunched over their phones waiting for Leonardo DiCaprio to call because Victoria's Secret catalog is basically his dating service.  Poor, poor Selena Gomez -- she must be absolutely devastated by these allegations. If I was her, I would get revenge on this little asshole in the most embarrassing way possible.  I'd find a celebrity gossip blogger on Xanga and screw him senseless.  That'll teach Justin!

  Last week I wrote about how Joe Simpson, father of Ashlee and and Jessica Simpson, came out of the closet to his family.  The National Enquirer reported it and now Joe is saying that the Enquirer is spreading lies about him.  TMZ has sources that say the gay rumors are true and others that say it's lies.  This is the era we live in, folks.  Evertyhing is spin spin spin.  Paris Hilton is relevant just like Britney Spears is on crocodile tranquilizers and the Kardashians are attention whores.  Joe Simpson isn't gay since most straight men get caught balls deep in young male models. I mean, what middle-aged-man's man hasn't taken a sip out of a trouser snake at some point in his life? I guess we'll never know and just have to believe he's a heterosexual creepy perv that dresses like that and obsesses with his daughter's breasts.
  
  Jermaine Jackson has a PhD in phucked up names since he named one of his kids Jermajesty.  He's at it again and this time he's toying with his own name.  People are saying he's been so upset with how his family turned against him this summer so he wants to change his name.  He has petitioned the court to change his name to Jermaine JackSUN.  Yes, Jermaine Jacksun.  Big change.  A judge has to approve the name change and he has to announce his new last name in a publication and there has to be a public hearing where anyone can object the change.  In other words, Jermaine is being an attention whore.  So going from "son" to "sun", is he trying to form a new singing group or revive the California Raisins?
  
  The curer of autism and literary genius Jenny McCarthy is selling her new autobiography.  She keeps giving away juicy parts of it because the best way to sell a book is to tell everyone what is inside it.  She said that in one part of the book she talks about a time she did Ecstasy.  She was partying with her friends one night and downed so many Ecstasy pills that she took off all her clothes.  Huh?  I didn't know she needed pills to do that.  I thought that was something she just did.  Anyway after taking off her clothes she went and found a tree and started humping it: "The texture felt so good that I decided to rub my head and boobs all over it. It was a tree I was humping."  Give her the Pulitzer now!  So sticking a needle in your kid is wrong and will probably send them to an early grave and anyone who does it should be dragged to the town square and stoned but eating a bunch of Ecstasy and stripping off your clothes and rubbing your cooter on a tree is perfectly fine.  Thanks for clearing that up Jenny McCarthy M.D. (that stands for maniacally dumb)
  
  After Disney announced it bought Lucasfilms and planned on making new Star Wars movies, people began speculating about cameos by the original cast.  Harrison Ford said he wants to reprise his role as Han Solo but only to give him a proper death.  He claims that Solo was supposed to die in Return of the Jedi  but because Solo action figures sold so well, he was kept alive.  I don't know if you could hear it or not, but my nerd boner just threw my desk across the room. With a lot force. Haha, get it?! I said "force". Because the force is what the Jedi use and I can control my penis with my mind so it's like when a Jedi moves things with his mind and my penis is like that and OH NEVERMIND!  If they follow the Star Wars world then Solo dies of old age.  He and Princess Leia get married and have children and one of those kids is named Anakin just like his grandfather Anakin "Darth Vader" Skywalker.  Then Anakin Solo becomes a bad guy like his grandfather and disowns his family so Han and Leia adopt their granddaughter and then old age takes him.  It sounds boring.  Anyway this will probably become a regular feature around here until the movies are released but there is a scuttlebutt around the web concerning who'd write the next movie.  Early rumors say it will be Michael Arndt who wrote Little Miss Sunshine and Toy Story 3 and the next Hunger Games movie Catching Fire.  Hmmm sad movies with loss...maybe Ford would get his wish after all.  There's also a rumor that he wrote a 40 to 50 page treatment of the film even before the sale of Lucasfilms was announced.  There are reports that Disney wants to take the euphoria from the end of Return of the Jedi and fuck it all up. The directors being mentioned are J.J. Abrams, Steven Spielberg, and Brad Bird.  Bird is an interesting name since he's done a lot of work for Disney and he also directed the video for "Do the Bartman".  So prepare yourself for plenty of Star Wars drama here.
  
  This is 23-year-old Victoria's Secret model Erin Heatherton.  She was dumped by Leonardo DiCaprio this week.  I bet she did something wrong to make him dump her.  Nope.  Leo simply got bored.  One of his friends told the Chicago Sun Times, "Leo is a total gentleman, but when it comes to women, he just gets, well, bored. He's a very bright guy and so far, with the exception of maybe Bar and Giselle, he often finds he loses interest pretty quickly. You can only keep interested because of the sexual attraction for so long."  When I grow up I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio.  Hell, I don't have to be like him, I could just be swimming in his wake so I could filter through the leftovers.  This guy has basically dated every Victoria's Secret model and he gets bored and dumps them.  What is wrong with him?   I hope Erin doesn't feel bad because there's no dishonor in being humped and dumped by him.  Leo is John Mayer with talent and he's the measuring stick as to who is a supermodel and who isn't.  If Leo dates and dumps you then you are a supermodel.  I guess he's doing the modeling world a service.  Maybe he's just looking for an intelligent and beautiful woman that can match his intelligence.  Sex with a supermodel may be good but if they only have the brains of a gnat then it gets old fast.
  
  CNN news anchor Don Lemon was in the lobby of a hotel this week when he recognized Jonah Hill.  Don claims he said hi to Jonah and that Jonah ignored him. Then Don took to Twitter and the exchange between him and Jonah makes the internet look like it's high school all over again.  If the internet is high school then Twitter is the area furthest place from the high school that's still on campus where everyone goes to fight when they have disagreements.  If that's Twitter, what's Xanga?  I think Xanga is the pervy phy. ed. teacher whose office is connected to the locker room with a dutch door that is right by the showers and gets occasionally opened while everyone is showering to tell people to hurry up in the showers.  God I had an awful phy ed teacher.  Don then went on to a CNN morning show to complain about it and said he was having a bad day already because he missed his flight because his cab driver delayed him because he asked for his autograph.  So these two are having a catfight, who is holding their purses?  It's a passive aggressive douche bag whose feelings are hurt easily versus a self-important douche bag that thinks the world revolves around him.  Who to side with?  They both seem so wonderful.
  
  Dog the Bounty Hunter and Beth Dog(or is it Hunter) were spotted leaving a tanning salon this week.  They went to a tanning salon because I guess they need to keep their skin looking like its beef jerky smothered in that orange sauce at the Chinese buffet on General Tso's chicken and then it's all deep fried for about a half hour.  Oh well, they obviously have true love...sigh.
  
  How's this for sexy, ladies?  This is David Arquette on the set of his new movie Orion.  I can't seem to find what that movie is about.  At first I thought it was a remake of Sean Connery's movie Zardoz.
  
  Christina Aguilera celebrated the right to vote this week by wearing those jeans.  I wonder if one of those stars is Puerto Rico.  Either way...GOD BLESS AMERICA!
  
  I know a lot of you girls are always on my case about not posting photos of guys.  See I'm not attracted to guys so I don't really know what you want.  Should I post photos of me rubbing nacho cheese all over my beer belly?  I think that would be sexy but I doubt any of you would.  Anyway, People Magazine announced that Channing Tatum was this year's sexiest man alive.  Once again, rubbing nacho cheese all over my beer belly got me nowhere.  I'm sort of shocked that in the announcement with the words "sexiest" and "Channing" that Carol Channing wasn't mentioned.  I never understood this guy's appeal until a girl told me that he's like the guy in high school that ignored you and never talked to you but when you came home from college a couple of years later for Christmas and you run into him at the bar and he's bloated and rough looking and drinking alone so you have sex with him just so you say you did because he was your high school fantasy.  OK, I think I understand now.
  
  This week it was announced that Disney was going to be working on a spin-off of Boy Meets World.  It wasn't clear, or at least I couldn't find, where the show would be aired, Disney Channel or ABC.  It's going to be called Girl Meets World and will follow Cory and Topanga's daughter as she goes through school and interacts with her friends.  I never really watched Boy Meets World but I know a lot of people here love that show.  This is good news for me because it's one step closer to a Kimmy Gibbler spin-off.
  
  Trent Reznor says that there is a possibility of a new Nine Inch Nails album being released in the future.  He retired the "band" after a final tour in 2009.  He is the sole member of the band so I guess it would be easy for him to decide whether or not he'd release new material.  He said this to Rolling Stone: "All signs point to yes... Yeah, there will be new music. There are some things in the works.  Yeah, if it feels right, it's a possibility. I never said that that wasn't going to happen, just that it couldn't go on as it was.  Stay tuned. We'll see what happens here.  Nine Inch Nails is not dead by any means, but all the touring and record writing has been thrown off for a little bit."  Since ending NIN, he's won an academy award and is also working on a music project with his wife called How to Destroy Angels.  OH I am so anxious.  That is one band that I own every major album they've released.  I just wish I could've kept on collecting all the Haloes.
  
  This is Ariel Winter.  She plays the smart daughter on the TV show Modern Family.  She's been taken out of her family's home and is living with her older sister because her mom has been accused of physical and emotional abuse.  A judge determined there was enough for an investigation so he ordered Ariel to be placed with her sister.  Her older sister is Shannelle Workman who was on One Life to Live and she also was taken away from her mother 20 years ago after the mom was accused of beating her.  Crystal Workman, the mother, will appear in court later this month and has been ordered to keep away from Ariel.  A report from Radar said that Ariel tried to emancipate herself from her parents so she could live with her boyfriend and because she couldn't she made up stories of abuse.  That story is false and has been attributed to Crystal.  Jimmy Workman, Shannelle and Ariel's brother, said that there never was abuse and they are making this up for attention.  Jimmy played Pugsley in the Addams Family movies.  Shannelle has also petitioned the court for guardianship and in it they accuse Crystal of hitting, slapping, and pushing Ariel as well as vile name-calling, insulting her weight, attempts to sexualize Ariel, and deprivation of food for a period of time.  also they are filing to have Crystal not allowed access to Ariel's money.  This is so sad and that last sentence is probably what it all boils down to.
  
  Adele is an awesome woman.  She has a new biography coming out written by Chas Newkey-Burden and in an excerpt obtained by USA Today, Adele talks about her weight: "I read a comment [about me] on YouTube that I thought would upset me — ‘Test pilot for pies’ — but I’ve always been a size 14-16 and been fine with it.  “I would only lose weight if it affected my health or sex life, which it doesn’t."  Well there's your problem, you went to Youtube.  I don't really allow for comments on my videos unless I approve them because it seems like the biggest trolls on the internet are on Youtube.  I bet she gets tired about talking about her weight.  I think our society is too focused on weight and outward appearance.  I know it's hard but we need to start looking at inner beauty because there's something beautiful about everyone.
  
  Here's a photo of Christina Hendricks because it's a photo of Christina Hendricks.  I was going to post more photos from the Victoria's Secret show but this photo won out.  It's like awesome boobs versus awesome tits.  It's a civil war of epic proportions and one you don't want to happen because you could never pick a side.  Christina is overflowing just like this post.  The end.

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 5:51 PM
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